Happy New Year!

Bright Spot

Well I managed to make it through the holiday season without gaining a pound.

I weight the same today as I did November 1st.

No, I don't starve myself and I did enjoy the food at all the parties. I just watched how much and was on the treadmill without fail.

Getting down to a manageable weight just takes dedication and desire.

One Headlight

Well as I have mentioned here I have been doing the holidays as him this year. It will be the last year I do so. If I have anything to say about it.

While awkward it had been manageable.

However Christmas Eve I spent with my family. These are the people who bear or have borne my last name.

These are the people I have spent the most time with growing up.

In that group are four first cousins that are all girls.

Three of them and myself are close in age. We all graduated HS in about a six year span. We also worked together at the same summer job for about two years. At least that was the length of time we were all there.

I think you get the point that most of us were close.

Spending time with them growing up allowed me some freedom to be myself.

So I always looked forward to seeing them at Christmas Eve.

That looks like it might have changed.

So this last Eve I did my best him, put on a shirt and tie...god how I hate them...styled my hair and away we went.

Now the evening for the most part was fine.

Though I think everyone did a double take when I walked in trying to figure out who I was.

And one of my cousins made mention after giving me a hug that I seemed a little thin. (Well for a guy I am)

I spent time catching up, chatting, talking with all the little ones. The older ones now in college and the cousins I grew up with.

Things were fine and I wasn't too uncomfortable.

As I mentioned I do like them and I was hoping that of any part of my family they would be my best hope for support when I come out.

Late in the evening I had moved across the room to talk to my Aunt about my trip to Alaska I had taken in August.

Before I got to tell those stories something else came up.

I am not sure what prompted it or cause it. But my eldest cousin starting telling a story about being out at a restaurant or tavern with her daughter and another friend of my cousins'.

She started to relate how they were sitting at a bar, I think, and she heard click-clack across the floor and looking over someone else shoulder she saw 'it'.

She was stunned and horrified that she could not take her eyes off only what could be described as a man in a dress. Burly and lumbering to the bathroom. Then 'it' marched back to where ever 'it' was sitting.

She was horrified, shocked and disgusted by what she saw. She joked about the terrible dress and bad wig. There were comments from her party about how they wanted to know what bathroom 'it' used. Coupled with a fair number of jokes along with some anti-gay ones.

I honestly don't know what exactly was said at this point. I was simply too stunned and sad to even register the exact words.

All I saw was the callous attitude and disgust in her voice along with the chorus of the others around her.

I also watched my hope of support from these people sink like a stone. I was literally kicked in the stomach as this happened.

As I mentioned I had moved across the room to talk to my Aunt. I am thankful I had done this as it placed me on the far side of the room with my back to most everyone else.

Only my Aunt could see my face and I don't think she was paying attention to me. All I can hope is that I held everything in enough, along with keeping my face expressionless enough not to be noticed.

Now understand there is a part of the transgender community that I don't connect with. I don't identify myself as a crossdresser nor do I think I fit in with them. There is an aspect of it that even I find a bit disturbing or even creepy. They think they get me and don't. Along with I don't understand most of them.

There is a time and place for everything, but some people are just too over the top and being out in general public might not be the best idea.

So there might have been some justification in this person's appearance for the criticism. I don't know and I cannot comment.

It is the attitude I saw that worried me because as I don't feel I fit in with the crossdressing community I do worry that others might only see me as such and do their best to remind me of this fact as I transition. This is my biggest fear.

And that isn't just me. I am glad my therapist has told me the same thing along with several others.

I cannot tell you how glad I was that I didn't have to stay much longer then this and I was able to go home and spend the rest of the night on the couch with my stuffed moose trying not to cry to much, but I was miserable.

It is a reason I might have to walk away from the life I now have to get the life I want. Otherwise they might not be able to accept me and be detrimental to my transition. I don't feel it is running away as much as removing the obstacle from my path.

But today I feel as if the road I am traveling just became a little dimmer as I lost a bit more light to see it by.

Holiday Joy

Before I unleash a depressing post about the holidays I wanted to get this one out.

Someone near and very dear to my heart sent me this for Christmas.

Yeah, I am not a bear girl. I am totally into Moose. Don't know why I just am. I just love 'em

Isn't she the cutest?

Merry Christmas!

Whats in a name?

Well...

...as you might know Kelli Bennett is not my actual name.

Shocking I know.

I am not sure how I latched onto the name Kelli but I like it, it has been with me for a long time.

I answer to it.

I recognize it.

It is me.

I will not let go of it.

(Couple this with the fact that I found out my parents were going to name me after my mother had I actually been born a girl. I would still change my name if that was the case. No offense to my mother but that would have drove me nuts. What were they thinking?)

So when the name change happens, which I plan on timing for going full time, I will stick with Kelli.

I like too much now not to use it.

However the big quandary is my last name.

Bennett, isn't mine.

Obviously.

Mine is a rather identifiable ethnic name. Common enough in the native country to be well know, and unique enough here to have people ask me all the time of I know such and such.

(And no I was born here in the US. Third generation at least.)

Other then my parent, brothers, uncle, two nephews and the one cousin who didn't get married.

The answer is no.

However I am rather partial to it.

It has long been an identifying moniker for me. Heck even my nickname, which is the first initial of my last name. Has been that way for 25 years.

I have a rather common first name and there were several of us in my HS including a few in my graduating class. So to seperate us my last name was used.

Which got shortened to just the first letter.

It is me, I like it, I also like my last name. Part of me will miss that.

I could however keep it. Instead of becoming Kelli Bennett. I could instead choose Kelli <current last name>. It does actually fit, has a nice ring to it. The nickname could still be used.

No I won't post what it is here. Again too identifying while I am pre-transition and not fully out.

The problem here is I like both.

I am so not sure what to do with this one.

*sigh*

Kelli 101

Ok, so as we all know I do not yet live full time.

Though the intention to do so is there.

I will tell you that I have been planning my diabolical scheme for quiet sometime.

Granted it will interfere with my desire for global domination.

Really, who wouldn't want to be Queen of the World?

But I am digressing.

I will tell you however that I have been putting certain things into motion.

Along with being in the planning stage for a few others.

I might have mentioned this in bits and pieces in previous posts, but I figured I would gather them all up here and give you an idea of where I intend to go.

First I starting therapy almost two years ago.

I had been fighting my feelings since I was a child, but in the few years before therapy I simply was losing the battle. I felt it was time to talk to someone about them finally.

(I had the chance when I was much younger and I completely chickened out, and I mean chickened out, tail between my legs. It was this moment that had me so ashamed and scared that I made the conscious effort to bury them. I would put myself around 13)

So on the a recommendation I called the therapist I now have.

And that turned out to be a match that could not have gone better. For one she is known as a tough letter. She is not going to form an opinion of you in a session or two and give her stamp of approval. She mentioned this right up front in case I was looking for the fast track. I wasn't, I wanted someone to question me, challenge me, listen, observe, suggest and offer a little guidance.

But I did not want someone to tell me what I should do.

I got all that and then some.

She has let me draw my own conclusions, come to accepting myself for who I am. Yet made sure I was being smart and intelligent about it.

She is rather proud of how thoroughly and carefully I have gone about all this. At this point I think she is just waiting for me to initiate full time. She has mentioned she doesn't see any reason for me to not transition.

Which leads me to the point at which she offered a letter for HRT so that I could start hormones.

It took some time to find a Doctor. But I found one familiar with the process. Has helped a number of girls and I felt comfortable with him.

Let me tell you the local University Trans programs was a huge disappointment.

I have now been on them for seven months and I honestly can say I have never felt better. Except for the fact that the longer I am on them the more I chafe at playing the role of a man.

That is has been covered already.

Moving along I was able to find a quality laser hair removal clinic (for those looking please stay away from IPL, trust me).

After 3 sessions I am seeing fantastic results. I would guess 70% of my facial hair is gone if not more.

I have two more left after that I will probably have to clear anything up with electrolysis.

As for the plan to fully transition and yes I do intend to. I know I have to live full time as a woman.

I will have to make some changes do facilitate this as I don't want to rely on the wigs I have been using and makeup(though that part has gotten much better with the hair removal.)

The goal is to be able to wake up in the morning, brush my hair, wash my face, maybe throw on a little gloss and walk out the door. With John Q. Public not being the wiser.

So I am planning on some facial surgery to help facilitate this. I don't think I need a heavy amount of work, but there are some areas that need to be addressed. I met with a few of the surgeons at SCC this year and I wasn't impressed with most of them. Their approach seemed too aggressive. I did meet one there who I've seen his work both before and after and he does a wonderful job. Plus he didn't tell me what he was going to do, but actually asked what I wanted. Then and only then did he add his opinions. Which were really just some tweaks he felt were needed to tie everything in together.

I am looking into a second doctor located in the Chicago area who doesn't advertise his work in the trans arena. Yet he does quite a few cases and the work I have seen is outstanding. So I am trying to setup a consult with him to get more info. But he liked the sample pictures I sent him along with being in agreement with what I wanted to do. Along with tempering how much to do.

I love that approach.

The rest is trying to plan how to move forward with my life. I have a feeling I am going to have to do most of this on my own. I feel I will have too much resistance from those around me (at least the ones how know me as him) to complete this successfully. I may get some support but I simply have decided that it isn't going to be there and prepared myself for such.

I am good with that. I don't mind starting over and rebooting my life. As long as I am me in the end that is all that matters.

This covers it for now I think. I will post more when I have it.

And the winner is...

I deserve an academy award.

Really I do.

And here is why.

My friends know him...but they don't know me.

At all.

Here is how I know this.

I had the opportunity to go out with a friend of mine. He and I have known each other for almost 20 years now. We crossed paths in HS right around the time I had been dumped by the previous crowd I had been hanging with.

We had a class together, found we liked a lot of the same books, games, some sports, movies, and a very similar sense of humor.

We simply got along.

And if I did do something odd or out of character he always just chalked it up as me being weird, or making an snarky comment about it and moving along.

His circle of friends became mine. We where all a little different. Not quite freak & geeks, but not in the popular or jock crowds either. Just a big mash up of personalities that didn't fully fit anywhere else. But I will say out of all of them I was closest to him.

But he still has now idea who I am.

So I put my best guy on and headed out the door. (I am so thankful that my silly obnoxious sense of humor works for both Kelli and him. I've learned in the past year that if I didn't have this I would have fallen apart years ago and who know what might have happened. I may not have been ready for this like I am now.)

While out being his wingman. (This so cracks me up.) we enjoyed a few frosty adult beverages and talked about many a thing. This was the first time I have gone out with him in a few years, along with not having talked with him much lately at all.

So we caught up.

Really other then my work we talked about everyone else but me. See how that works?

During the course of the night we landed on the topic of another friend of ours (who showed up later, after work, I might add.)

My friend noted to me that out of all of us the third friend was most in touch with is emotions.

Why am I always drinking something when someone says something funny or startling.

I nearly choked on my beverage.

He had no idea.

His comment was based on the fact that our third friend actually showed his emotions more then anyone in the group. Not very often but he does wear them on his sleeve a bit more.

I am far more in touch with my emotions then most of them.

I just never, if ever, showed them.

And there were times I wanted to yell at anyone of them. Calling them an insensitive neanderthals. I have stood in the middle of them wanting to cry like a child but held it in until I could release. Or I let all these repressed emotions out in anger. I have clashed with a few of them now and again.

I have also bailed these people out in sticky situations, driven them home when they were unable to do so. I even recall herding these two along with a third through the streets of Chicago when they could barely stand and I was the only sober one. They don't realize how much of a mother to them I have been.

I was simply a good friend.

(I think I failed to mention I was the one driving this night yet again.)

I remember when I had suffered a devastating lost of a relationship, everyone thought I was handing it really well. I was dying inside the entire time, crying myself to sleep every night for nearly three weeks.

Yet no one ever knew this.

I learned over the years though practice, what I could do or not do in front of these people. I repressed parts of myself and worked within those traits and feelings that wouldn't alert people to my issue. I point you to this post again.

I crafted and lived him almost perfectly.

I just never realized how good I was at it until this night out.

He told me I was a good friend who was easy to get along with. Beyond that I don't think he knows anything about me other than the few likes and dislikes I have shown him.

Never mind I was checking out all the guys as they walked in and he was always commenting on the girls. I just looked to see what they were wearing.

Even when he commented on the bartenders (both pretty women) and I was more into what they were wearing.

I don't know what will happen to these relationships. Some I might keep, some I might not, once I start disclosing who I really am.

Cause due to my talent at being someone else. They don't know me at all.

However it was nice to see him again and talk. It may end up being the last time. But it was worth it.

...and in closing I would like to thank the academy...

Phone Booth

I can only imagine this is how Superman felt. Getting up everyday, knowing who you really are. Yet having to disguise it every single day.

I don't know how he felt about it, but it is totally starting to wear on me.

Seriously, I look in my closet every morning and hate what I see.

Never mind I am refusing to buy any new men's clothes.

I hate them.

They aren't me.

Simply a costume I have to hide me.

But I get up, pick something out, plaster my hair down to attempt to hide the length. (I think I am failing in that regard)

Gather my wits, thoughts, trying to put on my game face, and head out the door for the day.

Can someone stop this bus now?

I would like to get off.

Freedom

I haven't heard this song in quite some time. It popped up on my satellite radio on the way home from work yesterday. Listening to the lyrics I came home and googled them, my goodness this one hit home.

I won't let you down
I will not give you up
Gotta have some faith in the sound
It's the one good thing that I've got
I won't let you down
So please don't give me up
cause I would really, really love to stick around, oh yeah

Heaven knows I was just a young boy
Didn't know what I wanted to be
I was every little hungry schoolgirl's pride and joy
And I guess it was enough for me
To win the race? A prettier face!
Brand new clothes and a big fat place
On your rock and roll TV
But today the way I play the game is not the same
No way
Think I'm gonna get myself happy

I think there's something you should know
I think it's time I told you so
There's something deep inside of me
There's someone else I've got to be
Take back your picture in a frame
Take back your singing in the rain
I just hope you understand
Sometimes the clothes do not make the man

All we have to do now
Is take these lies and make them true somehow
All we have to see
Is that I don't belong to you
And you don't belong to me yea yea
Freedom,
Freedom,
Freedom
You've gotta give for what you take
Freedom,
Freedom,
Freedom
You've gotta give for what you take

Heaven knows we sure had some fun boy
What a kick just a buddy and me
We had every big shot good-time band on the run boy
We were living in a fantasy
We won the race
Got out of the place
I went back home got a brand new face
For the boys on MTV
But today the way I play the game has got to change
Oh yeah
Now I'm gonna get myself happy

I think there's something you should know
I think it's time I stopped the show
There's something deep inside of me
There's someone I forgot to be
Take back your picture in a frame
Don't think that I'll be back again
I just hope you understand
Sometimes the clothes do not make the man

All we have to do now
Is take these lies and make them true somehow
All we have to see
Is that I don't belong to you
And you don't belong to me, yea yea
Freedom,
Freedom,
Freedom
You've gotta give for what you take
Freedom,
Freedom,
Freedom
You've gotta give for what you take

Well it looks like the road to heaven
But it feels like the road to hell
When I knew which side my bread was buttered
I took the knife as well
Posing for another picture
Everybody's got to sell
But when you shake your ass
They notice fast
And some mistakes were built to last

That's what you get,
That's what you get,
That's what you get,
I say that's what you get
That's what you get for changing your mind
That's what you get for changing your mind

That's what you get,
That's what you get,
And after all this time
I just hope you understand
Sometimes the clothes
Do not make the man

All we have to do now is take these lies
And make them true somehow
All we have to see is that i don't belong to you
And you don't belong to me yea yea
Freedom,
Freedom,
Freedom
You've got to give for what you take
Freedom,
Freedom,
Freedom
You've got to give for what you take
Yea you've got to give for what you, give for what you give

May not be what you want from me
Just the way it's got to be
Lose the face now
I've got to live I've got to live

There is a bomb on this bus...

...and if it drops below 50 it'll exploded.

Ever feel like you are a passenger in your own life?

And that the vehicle  you are riding on is running out of control in a dangerous situation?

It is certainly how I am feeling right now.

I think it has been a slow build up to this point but I think I see it clearer then I ever have before. For a number of reasons.

First, and this was noted by my therapist this week, when I stated something like "I can't go forward with life now that I know who I am. This IS me and I know that now. He isn't me at all."

Or something along those lines, I cannot remember exactly what I said because her next statement caught me off guard.

She stopped me right after I said this and told me she was surprised a bit. I, in all the time I have been seeing her, have never sounded so sure, confident and certain of myself. About who I was. The fact that if just came out so forcefully caught her of guard. She noted to that she has been seeing me for who I am for the last several months, but could see me struggling with full and complete acceptance.

And she didn't want to tell it to me, she had been trying to nudge me towards my own acceptance. She feels I won't have the ability to transition if I didn't full accept it myself and drew that conclusion without anyone tell it to me. I had to do it on my own.

Smart woman that one.

So I know I am there. I am ready for this. I know who I am without a shadow of doubt. At this point I understand the urge, the desire, the tidal wave of moving forward. I know who I am and I want to live my life the way I should always have.

Yet...

...there is a massive amount of momentum carrying me the wrong way.

I imagine this is what the it must be like when the unstoppable force meets the immovable object.

His life, isn't mine anymore. I see that so clearly now it isn't even funny.

But due to the choices I have made I cannot start transitioning right now.

Yes I do need some time to settle the finances, I am close but it should have been better. And had I not put myself into the mess I currently am in I could probably could start right now. At the very least I would have more freedom to start arranging my life as I needed in preparation.

I have been doing some things as much as I can. I have had three session of laser hair removal to which I am astounded at the results. I finally was able to setup a session with a speech therapist to work on my voice. I have been on hormones for the last 6 months. Everything is going wonderful with those and I feel great. When I don't have the pressure to be him, the world just feels right to me. For the first time ever in my life.

And this also is causing issue within 'His' life. I am finding more and more my skills at staying hidden are slipping. I am bleeding through like crazy and it is almost better for me to shut my mouth and not say anything at all. Because if I do say something she is there and I am catching it too late.

This was incredibly apparent at a recent family function. I wasn't even thinking some times I was just reacting...then realizing I was doing things I shouldn't or have never done before. Gestures, vocal patterns, etc.

I found it was easier to shut my mouth and not do or say anything. The sad part is that isn't any better because that isn't me either.

Hence the reason I am starting to feel like a passenger in my own life. That someone else is doing the driving and all I can do is pray I avoid disaster.

Matters at home don't help this at all either.

I have long felt like a second class citizen in my own home. In the past I tried to be responsible, supportive, and frankly went above the call of duty on things. It was my goal to make it all work so that wouldn't be issues.

I don't feel that way today. I have been belittled, forgotten, ignored, or just felt plain unimportant. Some of it may seem small and insignificant but it all adds up, and every little bit that has gotten striped away leave less resolve to even bother to try and hang on to it.

Yes, we have done counseling together, I have pointed out the things she has done to me in an effort to amend her ways. To at least show her it hurt, and how it was affecting me.

Add to that the fact that as another woman, her and I don't get along. I am seeing this more and more. I am more outgoing, flirtatious, snarky, personable and down right not afraid to be myself. This rankles her and causes us to clash.

When that happens I get snotty back because I am tired of being controlled or belittled. To me it is just a continuation of what I have already mentioned just different reasons for doing it.

I have been worn down to the point where honestly there isn't anything left. If I could walk away right now I would. I wouldn't look back or regret that. It simply has run it's course and nothing can be done to save it.

(in all fairness I know there are some things that I have done over the years that I can and I will openly take the blame for. But my responses to a lot of things have been the direct result of not being taken seriously by her in the first place. For each action there is an equal and opposite reaction. I'll admit sometimes they were bad, but when you pen up feelings you have in an effort to be someone else the release can be ugly.)

I do feel bad about the impact my decision while have. But honestly I feel like a new toy a child gets on Christmas and mistreats it until it is broken beyond repair. I honestly don't think she will understand what she as done to me.

Yet, still, there I am riding along because I cannot get anyone to stop the bus so that I may get off.

I just hope the bomb doesn't explode.

Things I thought I would never hear

So at the grocery store shopping this weekend.

Again not being full time yet (goodness that cannot come fast enough now) I am in total boy mode.

So I thought.

I'm standing at the deli counter getting some salad goodies for lunch this week. Not realizing I was standing right in front of the ticker dispenser.

A man came up behind me in the attempt to get a number.

I heard "Excuse me Sir. *pause* I am sorry, I mean ma'am"

Really?

I wasn't even trying, I was in hat, ski jacket and baggy jeans.

He did take a second glance, but never said anything. I am not even sure he ever knew what to think.

I'm still giggling and even surprised by it now.

I just never thought I would hear it when dressed like that.

Post cards from the edge

Just so no one is alarmed the last post wasn't anything bad, just a reflection of what I am feeling.

I caught the song on my mp3 player recently and it struck a nerve, but I didn't understand why until just the other day.

I know I am going to transition, it might take me a while to start living full time (early plans are before year's end in 2010) I realized my life as him will come to a close.

I got that, understood it, and don't have any complaints.

However I have noted something rather profound.

I play the part of him so well. That no one, not even my parents knows who I am.

Really I spent 20 years learning how to act like a guy. Studied and learned.

Being naturally inquisitive helped. I know a lot regarding a lot of topics.

I might not follow sports like most, but I understand them. I am not going to be confused when around them.

And some of them I actually like.

It is things like that that I am noticing.

Being at my parents for thanksgiving (and no they don't know about me yet)

My dad started talking football. What can I do, I played along. Again I learned from those around me how the game is played, etc. So I can answer the questions or make comments when I need to.

However I have never been one to sit down and blow a Sunday watching, I never had that obcession with most sports that way.

(I'll make the exception for Ice Hockey, I love it. Granted I only watch the local home team and have no interest in it any other time. But as a child I was taken to a lot of the games and just though it was so cool to see a game played on ice that way. So the playoffs in the spring are my only sporting obsession)

Though I do watch the olympics, and I will watch games when they have some meaning or my favorite team is playing in a big game. I like to cheer for them.

But the rest of the time I don't follow everything that is going on. Nor get angry when they don't win. That is all part of life.

It happens.

But I learned them, I felt I had to, also being an active child didn't hurt, I liked to run and jump so I did participate from time to time with those that suited me. Most didn't.

So while I can and do enjoy them sometimes, they were only ever a large part of my life due to the fact that those around them enjoyed them.

The next thing that struck me was things that came up during a recent car pooling trip with a friend. We live and work reasonably close to one another so in order to save a little we have been trying to drive together a few days a week.

Now this friend falls into the more geekier group that I hung out with. I had a very active imagination. Music, art, theater, reading were big in my childhood, still are. So I kinda gravitated toward that crowd to a degree. Plus it was an accepting group since my oddness I exposed was mostly overlooked.

So we stopped on the way home this week since he is a comic book collector. I know, his age and still reading comic books, but there are some good stories in there if you can find them.

Me? I'll stick to novels, but I did read a few in my younger days. In my history I mentioned reading a lot to escape my reality or as much of it as I could.

Certain things were discussed and I found myself pulling out memories that served their purpose for the discussion but seem to me they were items I pulled off the shelf for reference. Much like I did when I was talking to my father about football.

So I have this all swirling around in my head thinking about how much my life has been moving from one distraction to another, while trying to find some peace within myself.

This is one reason I spent so much time alone when I was younger. It just allowed me to free myself from the struggle to maintain who I was for appearance sake and not think about anything in particular.

Add into that the fact that I am struggling so much at home. I feel so disconnected from who I am living as now.

That is when I heard the song again the one I posted in my last post.

And it hit very hard.

These memories while mine are not me.

My life while mine is not me.

Today they feel dead to me.

Dead Memories

Sitting in the dark, I can't forget.
Even now, I realize the time I'll never get
Another story of the bitter pills of fate
I can't go back again
I can't go back again
But you asked me to love you, and I did.
Traded my emotions for a contract to commit
And when I got away, I only got so far
The other me is dead
I hear his voice inside my head
And we were never alive
And we won't be born again
But I'll never survive

With dead memories in my heart
Dead memories in my heart

You told me to love you, and I did.
Tied my soul into a knot and got me to submit
So when I got away, I only kept my scars
The other me is gone
Now I don't know where I belong
And we were never alive
And we won't be born again
But I'll never survive

With dead memories in my heart

Dead visions in your name
Dead fingers in my veins

Dead memories in my heart

The 411

Ok, since some people might be curious I am going to attempt to give you some information about me.

Now these are topics I usually try to avoid.

Really.

At SCC I get asked these all the time and I usually don't comment or try to avoid it.

I know a lot of girls are not as fortunate as I am. I also am very modest about myself.

So here is a rough idea of what I look like.

Without heels I stand 5'8" and one half.

I weight 140lbs currently (don't get all jealous at one point in my life I was up to 190lbs.)

Prior to starting hormones my measurements were 35-29-39 (bust-waist-hips) I have always had those, granted the waist has fluctuated a bit. See above.

I'll post the update on those when I reach the one year mark (May 2010). As I said I don't obsess over myself so I haven't remeasured yet.

I have small wrists, hands and feet. Yes, I wear an 8.5 woman's shoe, typically.

However I still have shoulders that while not bulky are wider then usual, I have a straighter rib cage.

As for my face I have a little bit of everything, an angled jaw(which I would like to keep. Think Mini Driver, Gwyneth Paltrow) I do have a squarish chin. Which will have to change a bit.

My nose is larger but not huge, again it will need some work.

MY biggest issue is my forehead and hairline. I have moderate brow and a bit of a bony forehead. When you place that up against the fact that I have a naturally high hairline well it just screams man.

I will say that what little hair loss I was starting to see is disappearing, Propecia and Estrogen has worked wonders. I just need to get it longer and alter the front hairline.

As I have mentioned to my therapist most of my issues are from the neck up.

Including what is in my head.

For example I was being self-effacing during a therapy session earlier this year, and my therapist who is female, stopped me and said: "You have no idea how much of an attractive woman you make do you?"

I was a little taken aback by this comment. I told her I was aware of some things that I was thankful for, but I do know there are thing about me that are not. Maybe I hide them well but I know they are there. So the answer was no.

And that is what I think it boils down too. I don't really care how good I look. I know I wasn't born a girl like I should have been. I know even with a transition I am going to have this past that isn't typical. I think maybe even though I can look good, I still see traces of him in the mirror, and that is what worries me, does the rest of the world see it too?

I guess this would be the reason I have still have concern over it and know that I will have to make some changes.

Things that make you go hmmmm.

As I have been out and about presenting myself in the correct but yet opposite gender I get one question repeated to me.

Now this has come from a number of sources.

Unprompted and never requested.

Simply they get to know me. Spend time with me and just seem to ask this question.

"How do you manage to live as a guy?"

This has been quite common recently.

As I mentioned I never ask anyone what they think, or prompt for it. The person in question looks at me at some point asks if they may as me a question.

I acknowledge that they can and I get some variation of what I quoted above.

I am flattered that I get this question and at first I was totally surprised when I started to.

Simply because I don't do anything when I am out as me. I just let myself be natural, take of the restrictions so to speak and just be me.

However most of these questions have come from within the Trans community so I do take them with a grain of salt. But the fact that they have come more and more frequently has still surprised me.

But I have never been as surprised as where it came from this last weekend.

Earlier this summer I was out at a local gay club which is know to be Trans friendly (I go about once a month, or when I have nothing else better. It works in a pinch you could say. It is a comfortable for me and I do have some dear friends that go quite often. I even spend time with them outside of the club so it isn't like I only see them there.). But there I was, that fateful weekend in June, hanging out catching up on things and I meet two guys there. They are good friends with each other and with the friends I mentioned but this was the first time I have met the two of them.

Now these two are gay, but I have no issue with sexuality not to mention they are adorable, sweet, charming witty and fun. I had a fantastic time getting to know them. Since then I have added them to my circle of friends and I simply adore those two.

(I think one of the biggest reasons I like them so much is they are open and honest. There is simply no pretense or posturing. I find that refreshing.)

But...

...I had not seen them much since that time. Chatting with them via phone or text but our paths simply were never crossing.

However this last weekend I went out to the venue in question, with the holidays coming up I didn't have a lot of options but as I said it is fun safe place for me to go.

My friends where there and we were having fun when one of the illustrious two showed up. During the course of the evening we started talking then moved to the lower level where it is a little quieter to talk and hang out. I ended up spending the better part of my evening chatting, checking out boys, being silly, and having a great time with him.

It totally confirmed my first impression of how cool a person he was. I know for sure now that my world will be a better place with him in it.

During the course of the night, the conversation was directed toward me. B (as I'll call him, and R for his partner in crime.) tells me that I am very cool girl, but that He and R were totally surprised, when they first met me, that I wasn't born a girl.

I am surprised by this statement since I feel there are enough flaws to get me read. Maybe not all the time but they can and do. So as of yet I am still wary, better as I get out more but still wary. I know they are there.

So I question him on it as to what he means.

His reply was something like this: "Well we came in, started talking to S & J (the mutual friends) and noticed this really cute blonde standing with them. (I guess that makes me the really cute blonde, lol) But we were really confused."

"You were? Why?"

"Well, there you were, cute and perky, dressed well but not over the top, you don't have broad shoulders, you have a great waist line not to mention a very cute butt and hips. Great hair, you aren't very tall and your facial features weren't even standing out to us. But we knew who you were talking to and where you were. We even noticed as we talked to you that you didn't act like a guy or sound like one. We were just really confused cause you stood out as an actually girl in a gay bar hanging our with Transgendered girls. We totally did not know."

I was really shocked by this statement, I figured they had to know, but as we talked a little more B mentioned a texting conversation I had with R a few weeks later after the first meeting(R had given me his phone number before I left) where R wanted to know if he could ask me a question about something. Which in this case was my gender status. I was honest and told him, but B told me that until I had answered that question they still didn't know for sure.

I was totally blown away by this statement since if anything I figured they would have read me.

So I questioned him on this by asking the very poignant question of "Really?"

He looked at me and said:

"Kelli, I have been sitting here for the last hour or so and all I see is a cute vibrant woman talking to me. If I didn't actually know I wouldn't still have a clue."

I'm still shocked by this statement. It even came again later after we had moved back upstairs do the dance area and a Lady GaGa song came on. B happens to have a thing for her and suddenly grabbed my wrist and drags me out onto the dance floor where we stayed for about five songs. He mentions to me just before we took a break, that I so did not dance like a guy and was quite a good dancer.

Did I mention yet that I adore these two?

I think the real difference is the source of where if came from this time that has me so stunned. I figured the two of them had to know, but just didn't have an issue with it. Nothing like what was revealed to me until this last weekend.

While we were still downstairs he did question me on if I only intended to do this part time or what I was going to do.

I explained to him that I can barely get through the day without feeling like I am tearing myself apart. That now that I know who and what I am, I fully intend to transition.

He thought it was wonderful and while he couldn't ever fathom doing what I was going to do. He was totally supportive.

But again at the end of the day I was totally surprised that these two naturally assumed I was born a woman. Since it isn't my intention to 'fool' anyone. I am just simply being myself.

Still it was very profound to hear it.

Adventures in the wild

So there I was standing in a local bagel store.

Having just taken my puppy dogs for a romp through the park.

So on the drive back home we swung into the store for some noms

Now while there the clerks behind the counter were having an interesting discussion on what a woman would prefer as a gift.

A cool cell phone or a cute purse.

Now the clerks consisted of two women and one guy. I believe the guy had posed the question initially (I wasn't quite there for the beginning of it) and from the course of the conversation I think he was looking for a gift idea for someone significant to him.

But I digress.

So the two women both said purses they can use them to hold things and as fashion accessories.

His was the typical guy response, "But you can do cool things with the phone and stay connected to people! A bag just holds things"

(Now before I go any further I would like to state with the women I know. It is almost a 50/50 toss up. Quite a few of them could not live without their phones, so I know they would go for the phone. While a fair number would still like the purse. It is an interesting question.)

When he came down the counter to hand us our order he promptly asked my associate what she would prefer.

Her answer?

The phone.

At this point he was excited about balancing out the voting so he turned to me and asked what I thought.

Quite pointedly I deflected the question by replying:

"Oh, don't ask me! I am totally staying out of this one."

Why?

Cause in boy mode my answer wouldn't fit.

Cause while I would actually have no issue with either as a gift.

I would prefer the cute purse.

Running Amok

Well since I posted my decision post, my thoughts have been all over the place.

Yesterday's news didn't help much either.

Life has been interesting on top of it.

I have a lot to say right now just not what and how I want to say it just yet.

Don't worry nothing disastrous or really good for that matter.

Just the simple truth of my head wandering all over.

I came up with the analogy that I feel like I am playing wheel of fortune and I never know where it will stop.

Yet I keep spinning it.

Also no one will let me buy a vowel.

There is one thing though. This week will get interesting.

Really interesting.

Significant things take place this week.

I am not sure how I am going to take them.

The first one is today.

I'm not going to tell you what it is. However if you have been reading my blog from the website and not through a RRS feed.

You might notice something on the page has changed.

All I will say is if you have been paying attention you might be able to figure out the clue.

But it is there.

If you think you know what it is, feel free to email me. I will tell you if you right or not.

Right now I have a lot of thinking to do.

Sometimes we are the danger.

In light of everyone telling me during my decision process what they thought of my options.

I want to point out this.

We might not like it. We might not want it. But we have to realize it is there. 

This is why I had to acknowledge Option #4

Sometimes knowing the danger is lying in the road helps us to avoid it.

P.S. My condolences and may he rest in peace.

The Decision

Before I get into the heart of this post. I just want to say none of this was easy.

But then I guess life never is.

There is a lot of things that crossed my mind while I put this particular post together. My current life and how I live it.

How I have lived the past 34 years.

The emotions.

The confusion.

The depression.

The anxiety.

Everything.

It is hard to explain to someone how you can exist this long and yet never feel like yourself.

There was simply an amazing amount of things to ponder while I sat down and thought about all of this.

None of it to be taken lightly.

So where did I end up?

Well let us start with the first to be eliminated from contention.

Option #4.

This one bothers me for a number of reasons.

First I love living. I would miss me. I think others would miss me. Even the me that really isn't me.

If that makes any sense.

While it would solve the discomfort issue, the dysphoria, the anxiety. It would allow people to remember the me they knew. Spare them the pain of watching me transition.

The biggest issue is I have always felt doing this was running away from your problems. I've known a few people over the years to do this exact thing. Rather then facing their issues.

And I have ben critical of this and them.

So the thought of doing myself sickens me.

I might have denied or attempted to ignore my issue, that might be defined as running from my issue. But I at least stood up two years ago and told myself I needed to do something about it. Seek help, talk it out, etc. At least I faced it head on.

However, the fact that #4 has been entering my mind, that I have even considered it...

...well it is rather disturbing.

I don't like it.

And I don't ever want to like it.

So option #4 is out.

Moving along.

Option #2 was right behind it.

Simply put, trying to put on two different hats. Living two independent lives, keeping one side from meeting the other.

Well that isn't living either.

Now I understand some need to explore this during therapy, to engage myself in living the other gender. I get it and understood why I did it and continue doing it.

I simply had no issue with it as it was all part of the process.

However living it full time?

For the rest of my live?

How about no?

It is a poor attempt to balance two parts of myself. The one everyone knows, with the one I really am. While keeping them separate to protect others.

It isn't fun.

It sucks.

It is also a poor attempt at trying to satisfy everyone's needs but in effect doesn't do anything for anyone.

Not to mention I cannot fathom myself living like this the rest of my life. Now that I recognize my issue along with finally accepting it, even embracing it. I feel all I am doing is living a lie to everyone else. While trying to carve out a small space for me to be me.

When you realize what was wrong and why, anaylys it, question it, then accept and embrace it, doing anything else is torture.

I can't do it indefinitely. I'll go insane. Enough to possibly allow option #4 to rear its ugly head again.

I know I don't want that.

So #2 is out.

Which brings me to options #1 and #3.

Lets talk #3 shall we?

This one has some merits.

One, I have to some degree, enjoyed my life. It hasn't been all that bad. I have a good job and income. I have a home over my head among other things.

I have a decent family and some good friends.

I get to have fun every now and again. It could be much, much worse.

The role I have played, I have played well. Even managed to like certain parts of it.

But I have come to realize it isn't me.

It is was all constructed for someone else.

The person I played, a role or part for 34 years. Trying to be someone or something else.

While hiding a large part of myself.

From the world.

Simply was not me.

So the thought of trying to bury my transsexualism completely just to be able to continue on this path.

Well, frankly, it disturbs me.

Greatly.

I have a feeling if I attempt this, push it all back into my head. It is only going to fight harder this time to come out. Simply since now that it is out, I feel it really isn't going to want to go quietly.

If fact it will be kicking and screaming.

And if I go down this path I feel the sheer force of that fight will utterly destroy me.

To the point I won't want to go on.

Thus causing #4 once again to enter into view.

Once again that really scares me.

So what does that leave?

Well Option #1.

Transition.

I've avoided this one since I have always been afraid of it. Not so much for me but for how the rest of the world will view me.

I've done this my entire life.

That and I didn't know that I could change myself enough to alter my refection enough to see myself in the mirror. Instead of what I see now.

So that anything less would torment me, and cause the world to rebel against me simply cause I would be different.

Fear can be a powerful motivator.

But knowing what I know now, who I am. Along with what I can do to accomplish my goals.

It will not be easy.

It will not be simple.

There could be some significant changes to my life in general. I might need to make new friends, I might need to surround myself with better people.

I might even have to look for new employment.

But at least when the dust settles. I can live my life. On my terms.

As me.

And try to live a happy well adjusted life.

That I feel is what is most important. I have done everything for everyone else. To spare their feelings or discomfort. While slowly tearing myself apart with this issue.

I simply cannot do that anymore.

So in an effort to save myself.

Openly and Honestly for a change.

I choose options #1.

It simply has to be.

Anything less at this point would be a failure in my eyes. Dooming me to live a miserable, partial existence. With constant torment and creeping fear that I will not be able to handle it, believing there is only really one way to escape.

Now comes the fun part.

Implementation of said option.

That will be the subject of many a blog post and a long continuing story. That I hope not only you get to read about. But I get to experience.

Stay tuned.

Bring out your Dead.

I love using movie references for the titles of my posts!

So what is my point with this one?

Well, a few weeks ago I searching the interwebs to find some events to attend in my local area.

Get out of the house so to speak.

While my eyes scanned the list I had found and entry in the theater section jumped out at me.

Evil Dead: The Musical.

Really?

For real?

Noooo.

Someone turned three campy, gory, and very cheese horror movies into a musical?

Now I am NOT a big horror movie fan. I have seen these movies once, quite a long time ago. But I was stunned that someone turned this into a musical.

So I did want any self respecting geek would do. I googled it.

Low and behold it was true.

And there were YouTube clips.

I was astounded, the samples that I saw were outrageous yet incredibly well done.

Curiosity got the better of me and I found it was playing in a local theater this past Saturday.

I got myself tickets and proceeded to go.

O.M.G!

Now this was a rather smallish limited budget production (I'd love to see this done in a larger venue) but is was still an absolute riot. I laughed, I cried, I cringed, and I laughed some more.

It simply was unlike anything I had ever seen and the musical numbers were amazing and totally off the wall wild.

The whole thing was wickedly creative and down right silly, campy, cheesy fun. With a splash of gore.

It is also defiantly not a show for children or the bashful.

But if you are looking for something different to do, can stand a little camp and bad puns, and you can find a production in your area, I highly recommend it.

I promise you, like it or not, you've never seen anything like it.

Oh, and the signs leading into the theater stated quite plainly: "This production uses large amounts of stage blood. There will be splatter. You have been warned."

They are not kidding, if you want to stay clean I suggest that you NOT sit in the first few rows.

It's always nice to see something new and unique.

Not to mention actually be entertaining.

Moment of silence

I am going to post my follow up that I owe for the Decision post. I don't have any issues with it. It was just all in my head after last weekend.

However I didn't feel right posting it with the Transgender Day of Remembrance.

While I myself think it is a little morbid, I think it still is a good reminder that we still have some ways to go. We shouldn't have to live in fear and it pays respects to those you have lost their lives while trying to be themselves for no other good reason then hate.

I didn't want to overshadow it with a post about me.

Never Forget

For those that have been needlessly taken from us.

Don't cross the streams!

One person out there is going to find that really funny.

Everyone should get a chuckle out of it.

However it is very fitting.

This last weekend I had four days to myself.

All to myself.

I could do whatever I wanted.

So I thought.

Granted I did have a lot of fun being myself for a change, but thinking I had no limitations on my time was folly at best.

I simply found the two halves of my life clashing.

Getting in the way of each other.

Certain obligations came up that I had to do as him.

I still got time as myself.

Plenty of time.

But I switched back and forth far more then I cared too.

Or wanted.

I was basically crossing the streams.

And if you were a little fuzzy on the whole good/bad thing.

That is bad.

At one point I nearly thought I was going to lose it.

You know, flip out, go off the deep end.

I was straining not to just break down and cry.

This weekend I think cause me to think about how much living Option #2 sucks.

I really, really don't want to do that anymore.

Regardless, I still had a very good time this weekend, spent time with some new friends, saw some old ones, and generally when I could I enjoyed 'myself' immensely.

Then considering the messiness of the weekend, progress moving forward helped a lot too. Monday I resumed hair removal from a few key places. And even though it hurt it felt good to know I was doing something to advance.

Lastly I have the Decision post, done, finished, kaput. It is long and I think covers it the subject quite well. But it light of the things that happened this past weekend I hesitated. I'm not sure why, exactly. I am still trying to figure that one out. I figured I'd give myself a few days to think about it and see what happens. I just want to make sure I wasn't rushing it or if it was just general exasperation at everything that occurred.

Time will tell.

Newsflash

Well nothing major really. I was working on the site. I added a quote widget on the left hand side.

I placed a few of my favorite quotes in there that change every few minutes. Only issue with it is I cannot seem to get them to randomize. Oh well I'll figure it out eventually.

The other thing, while working on it I noticed something.

HOLY CRAP!!! I have 6 followers!?!?!?

It is starting to make me wonder just how many people are reading this. I was shocked with two, six I cannot even fathom and those are the ones I know about.

I am simply floored. I can't wrap my head around the fact that there are people out there are reading it.

And yes the followup is coming, as I warned it is long but I am getting there. Should be done soon.

Absence

I might have mentioned a good friend of mine I have been talking to lately.

Well, we chat just about everyday about anything and everything.

It is a most welcome intrusion to my day.

Today she is off taking care of somethings she needs to take care of.

I wish her the best of luck, I know I am pulling for her.

It's just I didn't realize how much I looked forward to chatting everyday and how much that meant to me.

Until she wasn't there.

I know why and it is for good reason.

Still I miss her.

Hiding from the world

While working on the follow up for the options something popped into my mind and I felt the need to write about it.

Several months ago my mother made the comment that growing up I was a bit of a loner. This thought has been rolling around in my head ever since. I just couldn't put my finger on what it as about this that was striking me as odd.

Then I realized something.

As I was driving home from work.

It was true.

Right now I realize the few times I am relaxed and even happy is when I am alone.

Why?

Because it is during those times I can stop stressing out about how I act, what I say, and who I am.

The weight of how I am living disappears.

When I was driving I was enjoying some music, thinking about outfit ideas, recalling a wonderful conversation I had with a friend via IM earlier in the day.

When I noticed this it dawned on me that this was one of the few moments I was free to be me.

Which cause a rather profound thought to enter my brain.

Was it easier when I was younger because I had so much more alone time?

Yeah I had school, but I could go home and be alone for considerable periods of time, or even just shut myself off from my parents, doing homework or what not. Listen to the radio, read, draw. But I didn't have to worry about being 'on' during those times.

Even with friends I got large breaks from them too.

Not to mention summer vacation. Being an early riser most of my friends were still in bed in the morning. So again time to be alone and not worry or stress.

However since leaving school and being in a relationship. I get very, very little time to even just be alone. By myself with no worries and no need to be 'on'. I almost have to do it 24/7.

Which has me thinking maybe if I had this pressure building sooner would I have done something sooner?

Who knows for sure.

But it is definitely something to ponder.

Intermission

Well I haven't forgotten about the follow up. But it is going to take me a while to get it done. I have a lot to say and cover. Not to mention I am really busy right now.

And I am kinda taking my time on this one.

I will get it posted just as soon as I can.

The Options Recap

So I am going to go over all of them. In general one more time.

Option #1

Transition

Pros:

I get to live as me, no faking, no discomfort, or lying anymore.
Living my live as I want to even if I have to rebuild it.

Cons:

I could potentially impact those around me.
I most likely ruin some of my relationships with family and friends.
My current employment could be impacted along with future.

Option #2

Live in both roles.

Pros:

Maintain some of my current life.
Satisfy some of my transsexualism.
Not upset those that don't know about my transsexualism.

Cons:

Struggle to maintain two separate lives.
Upset those that know about my transsexualism.
Worry that living like this will eventually wear me down.
Worry that all of the above will lead to Option #4.

Option #3

Not Transition

Pros:

Change nothing
Reduce the amount of stress it takes to maintain two separate lives.
Avoid the stress and strain of transitioning.
Avoid disappointing family and friends with the fact you are transsexual.
Keep your current job.
Maintain you current status of living.

Cons:

Suffer in misery the fact that you know now what has been bothering years.
Suffer the fact that you will be doing nothing about what has been bothering you all these years.
Possible making everyone else miserable since you well most likely spent the rest of your life unhappy.
Living a life that is not yours and possible never was.
Worry that doing all of the above will lead to Option #4.

Option #4

Self Terminate

Pros:

No more suffering.
No one else has to suffer dealing with your transsexualism.

Cons:

No longer experiencing life and all it's wonders.
Everyone else who cares about you would suffer no longer having you in their lives.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Well there it is. In a nut shell. Keep an eye out for the big reveal.

I am such a cliffhanger poster. lol!

Happy Halloween

Open During Construction

Pardon the dust and mess.

If you haven't noticed, things around here look a little different.

Same me, new look.

Actually I never really was that enamored with my old layout.

Color was nice but the design always felt constricting.

So I finally did some searching and found this layout.

I LOVE IT!!!!

However I have to update and reset somethings.

So please pardon my dust while I clean the place up.

Option #1

Well...

...what can I say about this one.

Simply put, in nutshell, to sum up.

Transition.

From one gender to the other.

To stop living as a man and become a woman.

Not many people are going to understand this.

Nor agree.

In fact some might down right get pissy at me for it.

But life as it is right now is horrible.

It really is very hard to explain this to the non-transsexual.

Someone once described the issue as going on vacation and constantly thinking you left the iron or stove on.

You might enjoy the vacation, but there is always that nagging feeling that something isn't right.

This has been my life for years.

Every day I get up, get ready and head out the door.

And every day I wonder if I have left the stove on.

It is an insidious nagging feeling that will just not go away.

You are always constantly wondering if you are doing the wrong thing, reacting the wrong way. Saying the wrong thing or sometimes simply trying too hard.

That can be just as obvious as doing something you aren't supposed to do.

But these thoughts sit in the back of your mind. Constantly. Over time it gets worse, you worry about it more and more. About the only thing I can do is distract myself by focusing on something else.

However it is still always there and your anxiety level goes up and up.

Today mine is through the roof.

But how do I know it is linked to Gender?

Well if you have been following along you would know I do a lot of Option #2 right now.

So how do I know this works?

Well when I am in boy mode, I am aware of it. I watch what I do, what I say, I have to react an adjust to things. It's almost like being in a constaint state of alert. You might even say bordering on paranoia.

There is just that intrusive feeling in the back of your mind.

Now when I am in girl mode. It is not there anymore.

Really it's gone. I simply just am. I don't worry about how I act, what I say, etc.

Not to mention when in this mode most people view me as the gender I am presenting them.

It amazes me really, but I guess at this point in the game it shouldn't.

Also it is incredibly rewarding in its own way. Strange as that might sound. But being able to interact with people without worrying about how you are portraying yourself is a fantastic experience. Not to mention a huge reason why this option is even on the table for discussion.

The major issue with this option is the impact this will have on everything and everyone around me.

Work, Family, Friends, etc.

I don't know what will happen, but I know things will happen.

I've learned to adapt in the past and I will do so again.

Some people will view this as the selfish option (not counting #4), but really everything I have done to this point is for the sake of others. To spare them from watching me change.

But maybe it is time for me to do just that, for once, to live my life, on my terms, they way I have always wanted to.

And with a little bit of luck successfully.

That is Option #1

Still Ticking...

Hopefully no one panicked about my last post.

Really I am ok.

As much as I can be.

A lot has happened.

And I am worn out and tired.

If I didn't have a nervous breakdown.

I am walking the line.

However I did have an impromptu therapy session last night.

It was a lot, intense and draining, but in the end I felt better.

Much better.

After explaining the episode on Sunday night. When I lost my way for a bit. Took a break, found it again. Then dealt with the fallout from what happened.

After getting all this out. She looked at me and told me that I was running out of steam. The energy it is taking to retain the status quo is enormous at this point and like a deck of cards I come crashing down when something bad happens.

Hard.

Add in the emotions that are now much stronger then they used to be.

Some people think I am having mood swings.

But really my emotions are pulled so tight and are so raw, and hit me so hard, it looks that way.

When really these are the same emotions I have always had.

Problem is people are now seeing them first hand. I can't hide them. They are going to show.

But working so hard to get by, then getting some free time to get out and enjoy being myself is clashing. Because during those times I am not fighting myself or my nature. I am simply being me.

Then I have to try and put it all away.

On thing she noted to me near the end, was that the whole time I was sitting there talking, telling my story. All she saw was a scared, frustrated, hurt girl, struggling to find her way while dealing with a difficult reality.

(And I must note that since this was impromptu and I was there almost straight from work, I was in total boy mode.)

She told me I have spent years not always understanding this, fighting against it and now that I know that the issue is, understand it, accept it. Continuing along is becoming more and more difficult when you couple that with the fact that me, Kelli, doesn't want that fight anymore.

It is becoming too much.

Something has to change and I feel it is going to be soon.

I don't really know how much longer I can take all this.

The strain is becoming too much.

Falling to Pieces

Because today...I simply don't the the energy to say it better myself.

Back and forth, I sway with the wind
Resolution slips away again
Right through my fingers, back into my heart
Where it's out of reach and it's in the dark
Sometimes I think I'm blind
Or I may be just paralyzed
Because the plot thickens every day
And the pieces of my puzzle keep crumblin' away
But I know, there's a picture beneath
Indecision clouds my vision
No one listens...
Because I'm somewhere in between
My love and my agony
You see, I'm somewhere in between
My life is falling to pieces
Somebody put me together
Layin' face down on the ground
My fingers in my ears to block the sound
My eyes shut tight to avoid the sight
Anticipating the end, losing the will to fight
Droplets of "yes" and "no"
In an ocean of "maybe"
From the bottom, it looks like a steep incline
From the top, another downhill slope of mine
But I know, the equilibrium's there
Indecision clouds my vision
No one listens
Because I'm somewhere in between
My love and my agony
You see, I'm somewhere in between
My life is falling to pieces
Somebody put me together

If misery loves company...

...why do I feel so alone.

Now don't get me wrong.

I have some wonderful friends. Full of life, support, and even be the devil's advocate.

The problem is not one of them lives near me.

Emails and IMs are nice.

But sometimes, and more so resently, I have needed a physical presence to talk to.

A shoulder to cry one.

Someone to just be there.

*sigh*

One of these days I have the life I want, and friends to surround myself with.

I knew it wasn't going to be easy...

...but does it really have to be this ugly and painful a journey to be yourself.

Option #2

Well now this one is the most interesting.

I think it has the most pros and the most cons in one option. (Options #4 is just mostly one big negative.)

I also feel it is one of the most difficult to implement. Not only phsycally but emotionally.

Really it is almost a cross between option #1 and Option #3 (I know I haven't discussed option #1 in detail yet but I think we get the gist of what option #1 is)

It comes down to presenting myself as a man for the most part. Living day to day while throwing in some coping mechanisms to help deal with my Transexualism.

With the feeling that now knowing what the problem is I might be able to scratch out some sort of quality of life.

However I also feel that this will be the most difficult to implement.

Why?

Because I am doing it now.

And it sucks.

I feel not only am I keeping a secret from everyone I also feel that I am only twisting myself up even more.

Because I have to keep denying who I truly am.

And only allow myself to be that person every once in a while.

It becomes more and more difficult to repress parts of my personality. To deny who I am just so others will not suspect.

Though I could let it out but then I feel that would convey the wrong message also.

But what do I do?

This option would allow me to appease others, be the husband, brother, son, friend, as those expect me to be.

They wouldn't have to know the tormoil that I live with on a daily bases.

I would spare them the emarrasment, shame, pain, whatever of having a transsexual in their lives.

I would know I could keep my employment, my current lifestyle. I wouldn't have to give up these things. Or at least the risk would be much less.

But then are they really my things or someone elses?

Even if I could accept that and live with it, while allowing myself to express me, however I choose to do so. When I can do so.

This could involve any number of surgeries to alter my appearance. Within the limitations of how far I think I would be willing to go while still maintaining some sembalance of him.

How well would this really work?

I don't think well at all.

Really I think it is a poor compromsse, which is what I have been doing all my life.

Ignoring who I am just to appease everyone else.

To fit in.

As someone I am not.

And really I see this option as nothing but a downward spiral, since all I would be doing is reminding myself of who I truly am, and how much I am not living as me.

I would only be extending the torment, the disphoryia, increasing anxitety and depression.

And I feel that even though I might try to hang onto the life I have built for myself if I do this I am going to snap at some point and option #4 mostly likely rear it's ugly head.

Is that really worth it?

Someone to lean on

During this journey to find myself. I have searched high and low for someone to talk to.

Someone who felt the same as I did, who understood this unrest and internal disquiet about who you are.

I tried many an avenue.

Online forums, chatrooms, support groups, local CD/Trans watering holes. But I never met someone I connected with who understood.

Or at least I felt would understand me.

Most upon starting a conversation with me would become obvious to me didn't think the same way I did. I don't know how to explain it but it was just there.

Even at a large conference like SCC some of the well establish women who I felt I might connect with intimidated me.

I even tried emailing a few bloggers out there.

Usually nothing came back.

I felt stuck, isolated and alone.

Until one day I did get an answer.

And I had not even sent an email.

I had posted a comment on one of her posts, and she follow it to this blog you are reading now.

And sent me an unsolicited response.

I thanked her for reading my blog and for her wonderful blog, which I connect to a lot of what she had written. (As soon as I read the first entry I ran to the beginning and devoured everything she had posted.)

From there an email exchange began.

And from those email I discovered someone who thought much like I did. Yes we had our differences but I think all of us who walk in these shoes do. But there are still some similarities.

Quite quickly I realized I had found someone who I could mention my thoughts too, what I was feeling, etc and immediately she understood.

This is what I had been craving to find.

We then starting chatting live, beyond the emails. I discovered this wonderful warm and caring person. Not to mention funny and amazingly sweet.

Usually I find it difficult to become someones good friend online only, but yet I surprisingly felt connected to her even though we live so far apart and have yet to meet face to face.

I even didn't mind when she was a little absent during some still major steps in her own transition. I simply appreciated what little time she could give me and was glad to hear she was doing well with everything.

Well with these big steps behind her she has been around a lot more an we have talked at great length. I know we get along very well and I hope she considers me as good a friend as I consider her.

I don't know what I would have done had she not sent me that email so long ago. But I am so glad she did.

Now I know I am at a different point in my journey from her, but she has been so supportive of me that I don't know if I could ever repay her enough. Though I might follow her example of helping others and giving a little time to someone like me once I have my own life's journey completed.

Still I recently discovered she was taking dance lessons. And I think it is great that she is doing this and getting out there and enjoying life.

Though I discovered that her musical knowledge is rather limited (not a fault just a fact) compared to mine.

I took it upon myself to start gathering some material that would suit the style of dance that she is studying.

She might think I am gushing or fawning over her regarding this. But really, for people that mean something to me it is in my nature to do nice things for them. And if I can improve her musical selection and expand her library of tunes I will do so.

It is simply one thing I can do right now to show her how much appreciation I have for the time and supportive words she has given to me, even during some of the busiest times in her life.

(She also might not get just how much fun I am having discovering new music and artists that even I had not heard before. So not only is it something for her I am having a blast doing it. Double bonus!)

So I hope she understand that this is just one way I can say how much her friendship has meant to me.

At least until the day comes that I can finally meet her face to face. Give her a big hug and say two words to her more heartfelt and with greater sincerity than most when they say them.

"Thank you"

Shock the world!

So as I start preparing for how my life is going to change and in getting into practice at tell people about my function.

I am starting to tell people who are important to me about what is coming.

One of them is my General Practitioner.

He has been my primary doctor for about 12 years now.

I like him, he listens well, is very personable and respects what I tell him. He is also excellent at following up.

So as I prepare to move forward this one worried me.

I want to keep him as my doctor as long as I stay local to the area.

But I know some frown on the whole trans things and even refuse to treat people with a background such as myself.

So this week I had my annual physical with him. Kick the tires so to speak.

We chatted for a bit, he asked me how I was feeling, I mentioned the nagging cough I had from a cold I had last week.

He asks about anything else. If I had any other issues or symptoms. I tell him no to everything.

But I mention there is something else I need to talk to him about.

He asked me what it was. The conversation went a little something like this:

"Well I just want to say that I value you as my doctor, and no matter what I am about to tell you, I would like to keep it that way. So I am glad you are sitting down for this."

"Wow, well, now you have me really intrigued what is up?"

"Well since I don't know how to say this, let me ask you this, Have you ever had a Transgendered patient before?"

"No can't say that I have."

"Well you do now"

"REALLY!?"

"yep"

"Really. Wow, You have me reeling a bit, I just would have never expected that from you. Are you sure about all this?"

So then I dug into the fact I had been seeing a therapist for almost 2 years now trying to come to terms with who and what I am. That I have done my homework, it was obvious to him that I was approaching this with a clear mind and a lot of information. Along with some deep soul searching before coming to this conclusion. I also gave him a release form from my therapist in case he wanted to talk to her.

He then surprised me with his full support with anything, coming out, and even remaining my doctor. Anything I needed at all he would be there for and he would not ever refuse seeing me as a patient. He was more concerned about how society would view me and treat me. He is very much of the mindset that I am. Gay, Straight, Trans, whatever why can't we let people just be themselves.

His genuine concern and support was so surprising that I almost lost it in the exam room.

I mean he even volunteer to help keep an eye on my hormone levels even though he would let another doctor administer them. He is basically saving me extra trips to the lab by having them done under his office.

Did I tell you I really like my Doctor.

The I could not have imagined this going better then it did.

I can only hope it this easy to do this in the future.

LOL! As I like to now say one down, six billion to go!

No I am not being pessimistic, in fact I never felt better about all this then I do now.

I just like to crack a joke about the situation to help me remain calm.

Now I told you that story to tell you this one.

As I mentioned above I had a release form my therapist signed just to make sure all the bases were covered, legally. Not that she had an issue talking to my doctor.

But I did have to stop after work to pick it up. Now she mentioned the was going to be in a session about the time I would be getting there. But I knew with traffic around here I stood a good chance of being there just about the time it would be ending.

Even though She was leaving the forms out in the waiting area for me to sign I got there just like I thought I would so I read over everything and signed both copies. Just about the time her session let out. So I walked back to her office and knock on the partially closed door.

She pulled it open, and stared at me.

(Now it should be noted here she has not seen me in full boy mode since some of our earliest sessions. I simply that uncomfortable being myself when dressed as a guy that I always now show up as myself, maybe not 100% complete, but as much as I can right now)

And She stared at me some more.

And blinked.

And continued to stare.

It was a good 10 or 15 seconds and I started to realize that she wasn't putting it together. (My presentation as a woman isn't over the top, I keep my clothing stylish and quite often casual, makeup is usually light, but I don't use my natural hair color while I wait to grow it out so I can have it colored they way I want it.)

So I figured at this point I should let her off the hook, I smiled and started to open my mouth so say something...

...and her eye's popped out of her head.

She exclaimed: "Kelli!"

I replied: "Yes"

She laughed and said until I smiled she couldn't put it together who was standing there. And as we talked she realized even more it was me.

Just in the wrong packaging.

She complimented me on my hair and how nicely it was growing in, albeit to slowly for my taste, but I have time. So I will continue to be patient.

Though she could see why I complain about the location of my hairline and why I would want to alter it. But noted that I still have a very full head of hair even with the slight thinning I have suffered.

We chatted for a few minutes more and then I had to be on my way. But she noted as I left that my personality does clash with my appearance, because all she could see was a boyish looking girl talking to her.

But what I wouldn't have given to have had a camera right at the moment She realized who I was.

The expression on her face was priceless.

And so it begins

No I haven't officially started my transition. As in coming out to work, announcing it to family and friends. I still need time to undo 34 years of living as a boy and some of those changes aren't going to take place overnight.

I am ok with this for now, but I know it will become an issue soon. I can feel the push from inside to just get it all done now.

But that is for a different day and a different post.

Something else is happening though.

As I let things change I have noticed they are starting to affect how people view me.

One that is taking place is that I am growing my hair out.

Now I have mentioned in the past I kept it short.

Really Short.

The Marines would have been proud.

Over the last almost year and a half I have let it grow. Going every 6 weeks or so to just neaten it up and try and keep it presentable.

Granted I still have this wonderful tall square hairline. Which will have to get changed.

But something has been occurring over the last few weeks.

On the weekends, being an early riser, I brush it out in the morning and drop a hat on it until I can get home and wash it or just rinse it out. This hides where the hairline is located but allows the length in the back to stick out. I usually take the dogs for a walk, come home, grab my accomplice and head to breakfast and/or errands.

Well the last few weeks have been interesting. When you add in the length of my hair, the fact that my eyebrows are now a very feminine shape, my somewhat feminine features, and much less facial hair. Then you hide that hairline under the brim and...

...well I am getting Ma'amed. Or hearing "I'll be with you ladies in a second." And the brand new one this weekend when using a membership card at a local bulk warehouse.

"Is he here today?"

I responded: "Why yes I am."

Many of these people take a hard second look at me then apologize.

Not that I am upset about it. Far from it. It tells me things are heading in the direction I not only want them too, but need them too.

But it again shows me that while my appearance is starting to work in my favor. People still can figure out that it is indeed a man standing in front of them.

Work will still need to be done, I don't doubt this. One big issue is the hair. While my hairline isn't thinning anymore, in fact it is showing new growth, the overall shape of it screams man. But it has been like that for the longest time. Even pre-puberty. Tall foreheads run in the family. So when I disguise that fact under a hat, people need to take a second look.

I guess I just wasn't expecting this so soon.

But I am going to enjoy it even if it irritates others.

Because slowly I am seeing myself become me.

And that is what matters.