Monday, December 7, 2009

Things that make you go hmmmm.

As I have been out and about presenting myself in the correct but yet opposite gender I get one question repeated to me.

Now this has come from a number of sources.

Unprompted and never requested.

Simply they get to know me. Spend time with me and just seem to ask this question.

"How do you manage to live as a guy?"

This has been quite common recently.

As I mentioned I never ask anyone what they think, or prompt for it. The person in question looks at me at some point asks if they may as me a question.

I acknowledge that they can and I get some variation of what I quoted above.

I am flattered that I get this question and at first I was totally surprised when I started to.

Simply because I don't do anything when I am out as me. I just let myself be natural, take of the restrictions so to speak and just be me.

However most of these questions have come from within the Trans community so I do take them with a grain of salt. But the fact that they have come more and more frequently has still surprised me.

But I have never been as surprised as where it came from this last weekend.

Earlier this summer I was out at a local gay club which is know to be Trans friendly (I go about once a month, or when I have nothing else better. It works in a pinch you could say. It is a comfortable for me and I do have some dear friends that go quite often. I even spend time with them outside of the club so it isn't like I only see them there.). But there I was, that fateful weekend in June, hanging out catching up on things and I meet two guys there. They are good friends with each other and with the friends I mentioned but this was the first time I have met the two of them.

Now these two are gay, but I have no issue with sexuality not to mention they are adorable, sweet, charming witty and fun. I had a fantastic time getting to know them. Since then I have added them to my circle of friends and I simply adore those two.

(I think one of the biggest reasons I like them so much is they are open and honest. There is simply no pretense or posturing. I find that refreshing.)


...I had not seen them much since that time. Chatting with them via phone or text but our paths simply were never crossing.

However this last weekend I went out to the venue in question, with the holidays coming up I didn't have a lot of options but as I said it is fun safe place for me to go.

My friends where there and we were having fun when one of the illustrious two showed up. During the course of the evening we started talking then moved to the lower level where it is a little quieter to talk and hang out. I ended up spending the better part of my evening chatting, checking out boys, being silly, and having a great time with him.

It totally confirmed my first impression of how cool a person he was. I know for sure now that my world will be a better place with him in it.

During the course of the night, the conversation was directed toward me. B (as I'll call him, and R for his partner in crime.) tells me that I am very cool girl, but that He and R were totally surprised, when they first met me, that I wasn't born a girl.

I am surprised by this statement since I feel there are enough flaws to get me read. Maybe not all the time but they can and do. So as of yet I am still wary, better as I get out more but still wary. I know they are there.

So I question him on it as to what he means.

His reply was something like this: "Well we came in, started talking to S & J (the mutual friends) and noticed this really cute blonde standing with them. (I guess that makes me the really cute blonde, lol) But we were really confused."

"You were? Why?"

"Well, there you were, cute and perky, dressed well but not over the top, you don't have broad shoulders, you have a great waist line not to mention a very cute butt and hips. Great hair, you aren't very tall and your facial features weren't even standing out to us. But we knew who you were talking to and where you were. We even noticed as we talked to you that you didn't act like a guy or sound like one. We were just really confused cause you stood out as an actually girl in a gay bar hanging our with Transgendered girls. We totally did not know."

I was really shocked by this statement, I figured they had to know, but as we talked a little more B mentioned a texting conversation I had with R a few weeks later after the first meeting(R had given me his phone number before I left) where R wanted to know if he could ask me a question about something. Which in this case was my gender status. I was honest and told him, but B told me that until I had answered that question they still didn't know for sure.

I was totally blown away by this statement since if anything I figured they would have read me.

So I questioned him on this by asking the very poignant question of "Really?"

He looked at me and said:

"Kelli, I have been sitting here for the last hour or so and all I see is a cute vibrant woman talking to me. If I didn't actually know I wouldn't still have a clue."

I'm still shocked by this statement. It even came again later after we had moved back upstairs do the dance area and a Lady GaGa song came on. B happens to have a thing for her and suddenly grabbed my wrist and drags me out onto the dance floor where we stayed for about five songs. He mentions to me just before we took a break, that I so did not dance like a guy and was quite a good dancer.

Did I mention yet that I adore these two?

I think the real difference is the source of where if came from this time that has me so stunned. I figured the two of them had to know, but just didn't have an issue with it. Nothing like what was revealed to me until this last weekend.

While we were still downstairs he did question me on if I only intended to do this part time or what I was going to do.

I explained to him that I can barely get through the day without feeling like I am tearing myself apart. That now that I know who and what I am, I fully intend to transition.

He thought it was wonderful and while he couldn't ever fathom doing what I was going to do. He was totally supportive.

But again at the end of the day I was totally surprised that these two naturally assumed I was born a woman. Since it isn't my intention to 'fool' anyone. I am just simply being myself.

Still it was very profound to hear it.


Melissa said...

Apparently you pass very well. That's very good news, and you should be very happy to hear it, because it will be a great aid to you in your transition. The more you are seen as a girl, the more you will be treated like a girl, and that positive feedback will further reinforce your confidence as a girl. So, this is very good news indeed!

Melissa XX

Kelli Bennett said...

Passing is a term that rankles me for some reason. I just want to be me. But yes, I do find it interesting the more I present myself as me that I hear this. I am not one to get an ego over this. I have long said I don't care if people see me as attractive or not, simply I want them to see me as the woman I am.

Melissa said...

All of us hate that term, but it's part of the reality of being trans. To be seen by most non-trans people as the woman you are, you need to pass. Kellie, there are so many girls out there who would give anything to be in your position, because they can't pass, no matter how hard they try, and being able to, means avoiding a lot of pain. When a girl can easily pass, especially when she is just beginning to transition, she needs to realize how fortunate she is.
You are a very lucky girl in that respect.

Melissa XX

Melissa XX

Melissa said...

Oops! Sorry I misspelled your name, sweetie!

Melissa XX