Moving on Up

The last few years have been interesting for a number of reasons. One thing that I have experienced has nothing to with Gender.

It has to do with relocation.

The reason why is I have moved twice in less then two years.

Sixteen months to be exact.

Prior to this I had moved twice in thirty-seven years.

I mean my parents moved into the house I grew up in three months before I was born. We moved out three months shy of my twentieth birthday.

Five years after that I moved out of that house and into where I would live for the next twelve years.

Thus moving was not a common occurrence in my life. Say as some Military brats or more nomadic people might have experienced.

I will say that it has allowed for some unique learning experiences in that time.

First living with my cousin {link?} who happily opened up her spare room to me last year. To the dynamic duo who are renting a part of their house to me here in Ann Arbor.

Bonnie and Clyde, as I will refer to them(Okay they are not THAT notorious but they are a ton of fun.), have been wonderful slum lords (total joke) and fantastic roommates. Often having a lot of fun with me since I am ten and eight years their senior.

Recently I mentioned I was going to be away one weekend since I had to travel to another part of the state for a family holiday gathering, then over to my parents to make cookies with my mom for the holidays.

immediately the comments came flying.

"What? You are going to be gone this weekend? Who gave you approval for this?"

"We need names and phone numbers of where you will be!"

"Have we met their parents?"

"We need to approve of everyone you will be hanging out with!"

"You are not going anywhere until you clean that room!"

All said with a glint in their eye. Which prompted a good laugh in the kitchen.

They have been wonderfully welcoming and extremely nice to me.

My favorite was what happened in early December.

I was sitting at the table in the dinning room writing out my Christmas Cards. When Bonnie walked into the room.

"Hey Kelli."

"Yes?"

"I am having a few of my lady friends over this coming Saturday night. We will have snacks, xmas movies, mulled wine. Would you like to come? I would love to have you if you have no other plans."

My day that Saturday was insanely packed but I knew I ultimately was going to be home around 9pm.

"What time are you starting?"

"Oh we will start around eight but anytime after is fine."

I explained my day to her but told her I should be home by 9pm. As it seems these days everyone is booking things all on the same day.

"Great I will see you then."

So what happened?

Well. I got to meet an incredible group of women you hailed from all corners of the country who all happen to be living in Michigan at this time. We had a southern belle, Minnesotan, two from Maine, One from upstate NY, another from northern Michigan. I forget where everyone else was from.

I had a great time sharing stories and listening to all the interesting things said in the 'knitting' circle. In fact it is not often I laugh that hard with a group of people. They compare with the Cabin crowd in that regards.

The amazing part was telling my stories, sharing things I have done and laughing about the silly things men do. Seriously if you had watch my previous relationship it would make total sense in regards to roles. So flipping the gender at times is all I need to do.

It was an empowering and gratifying experience. I thanked Bonnie the next day when I saw her downstairs. As I had gone to bed the earliest, mostly because I had been on the run all day.

She in turned thanked me for coming. She mentioned that she and Clyde really have enjoyed having me in the house and she was glad I enjoyed myself as much as I did.

It was a different environment than my usual geekier friends. Who are totally un-ashamed to have fun even at their own expense. Not to mention have a deeper interest in some of the same things I do.

Still this was something I had been craving. Just a group of women letting their hair down and being themselves. It reminded me of when I kept trying to do this during my middle and high school years but always felt I was being left out or worse pushed out.

It was carthic, empowering and energizing.

I cannot wait to do it again!

I am so glad I met those two and took the risk to rent their upstairs from them. I am even happier that they were willing to let me do so. No I have not told them I am Trans the need to just has not come up. It is not like I purposely hid it. I just do not feel the need to announce it to EVERYONE!!

I have definitely enjoyed this move.

 

Comfort Zone

Hello?

Is this thing on?

*TAP**TAP*

I do hope someone is out there listening. I know it has been a while since I posted anything.

Life has really gotten in the way.

The worst part there are stories to tell and things to say. Well, at least stories I want to tell and things I want to say.

Sadly I simply haven't had the time. My days are filled with things. So much so that at the end of the day all I really have time for is readying myself for work the following day(I get in early so I try to have breakfast, lunch and clothes prepared for the morning), then getting to bed. Not to mention the weekends....wait...I have free time on the weekends?!?!

Often I want to sit and write but I unable to keep my eyes open.

Crazy when you think about how much I used to post. Mostly because life was keeping me at home and not doing much. I really didn't want to go anywhere or do anything. I think the writing kept me from utterly losing my mind. Now it is the complete opposite. I am currently so busy running to and fro trying to complete all my daily tasks, that by the end of the day there is just no time left to sit down and write.

Which has made me a little sad since I know there are people out there hoping to find some inspiration and perhaps not feel so alone in all this, that they look for Blogs like this in the hope of learning something more about themselves.

I know because I looked for them myself when long before I started my transition. I bonded with those stories and identified with the trials and tribulations they endured. It meant a lot to me yet I was always sad when they stopped posting regularly. Usually because life got so busy that they just didn't have times.

Which is an amazingly good thing but those of use still reading wanted to know more.

I promised myself I would try to post with some frequency after full time. Maybe not daily or weekly but far more than I what I have.

But I did not.

I had become the type of blogger I promised myself I would not be.

*sadface*

The only thing I can do is try to get these stories out. It might not be fast as I like but I do want to post them.

What has kept me so busy?

Well you already know I am dating and loving it. Really the relationship just keeps getting better and better. I am extremely happy with it. I have no intention of taking any big steps right now, but I like the promise it holds.

Only time will tell.

Still he has kept me happily busy. Two road trip weekends with another coming in a few weeks. I have met a large number of his family. With more in the future I am sure. Not to mention I have cooked for many of them.

I have gotten a chance to go shopping with his mom. Girls day out during the summer. Had a blast and she bugs me often to spend more time with me.

Life has been so amazingly...normal. I often have to sit back and take it all in otherwise it seems completely surreal.

I mentioned road trips with the BF. Well one of them was a return to this event.

I was not sure how it would go but when I posted to the forum for the event explaining there was a personal issue that might exclude me and to send me a private message to explain it.

To a person all of them that responded were shocked but at the same time so fully supportive that many of them said that if there was an issue with ANYBODY they would make sure it got handled. They wanted me to come out, cook, have fun and enjoy myself without having to worry about anything.

How did it turn out?

One word amazing. I enjoyed the whole process, everyone was extremely welcoming and happy to see me. I had about half the attendees approach me to tell me how great I looked and how happy I seemed. That and everyone was happy to see me back cooking again. So much so I got a cheesy distinguished person award for the effort I put in so that they can enjoy the food. Plus it was a sign of appreciation of how much I was missed when I wasn't there.

Honestly as big a production it is, I love doing it and seeing everyone happy.

I also finally got to meet the owners of the site who were meeting me for the first time ever. They actually thought my BF was the technology geek, not me. I shocked them when I stated it was me and what I did for a living.

I could see it on their face: "But you are a girl!" Honestly I don't think they were ever told. I know I did not say anything. The coolest part. Those three are from Kansas city and they LOVED my ribs. Different from what they are used to but to quote the site owner. "The prestigious Cup, given to "the most worthy," was fittingly awarded to Kelli, our rib chef. Those ribs are magical, world-class BBQ. I'm going to have to steal the recipe."

:D

Oh and yes I will be returning next year again.

Great day and fun night we got to stay for the fireworks for a change!!! yay!!

Work!!!

Been amazing and wonderful. So many of my teammates are huge supporters. Life at work is pretty normal just crazy busy with projects. The few slips were all earlier this year and really nothing blatant or even to report since. All the women are amazing and a couple of them want to know where I shop since they love how well put together I am.

Our facilities manager (who sits at the front desk with security) often tells me how jealous she is and tells me often, "Girl do not worry I wish I had a body like yours. Seriously you look amazing."

It isn't all about looks, I know, there is so much more to the person than how one looks. Yet I know it does not hurt to have a few advantages in your favor.

B!

Sadly I haven't seen him too much since earlier this year he got switched to afternoons at work which has split us up a little. Not to mention he has had some extremely personal issues that have taken up some of his spare times as he has dealt with them.

Though we have gotten together a few times when the stars have aligned and we were able to be in the same place at the same time. :D He marvels more and more at how comfortable I have gotten with myself. Not to mention meeting his new friend L(cis girl) total hoot who promptly said to B after meeting me. "Holy Shit she is pretty!!! How did you met her again?!"

Yes, she did indeed state that to B as if I was not standing right there. I couldn't help but smile and laugh a little.

And no B has only ever told her I am his friend Kelli, nothing more.

Had a lot of fun with those to out that night and I hope to see them again.

Oh I might have failed to mention the fact that I am on a co-ed bowling league!

For reals!!

The BF got invited because a guy he bowls with during the week wanted to bowl with his girlfriend and my significant other was the only person he knew who bowled and had a girlfriend to boot!

I wanted to but since I had not bowled in years I needed to see if I could even still do it and feel comfortable doing so.

[Background here, I came from a bowling family. Mom, Dad, Brother, we all bowled. I started league bowling after school at age 9 and continued through 16. After that I was just too busy to do it weekly but often went a few times a month with my dad for a long time. Not to mention a short lived summer league after graduation but honestly who wanted to be in a bowling alley when it was 85 and sunny out in June? Not us.]

With that the two of us tried a weekend of practice just to mess around and have fun. The good news was I had no issue adjusting with all the changes. Other than I have to use a lighter ball now. No way I can hurl a sixteen pounder any more(7.25 Kg for you metric types). I also discovered finger tape bowlers use for an smoother release from the ball. Me I use it to protect my fingernails I have to carefully groomed and maintain.

I have been three times already and I am having sooo much fun with everyone especially the other girls I have bowled with. Mostly because we all end up picking on the boys. :D

Especially when we out bowl them.

Everything is just settling. I have had little to no issues with existing in the world. I find myself often reveling and enjoying being myself and the person I always wanted to be. My sense of style is growing and I love that I can actually enjoy that part. I have discovered so many new and fun things.

Was transition easy? No. Was it worth it? For me it was a resounding yes.

To quote the famous motto:

Just Push...Pause?

I need a break.

Badly.

Not that life hasn't been good.

No, no, no!

It has truly been wonderful, fun and amazing.

Yes I still have to deal with some outstanding issues.

Though progress has been made on some counts. Small they might have been.

I actually stood in front of my dad, as me, for all of five minutes and chatted with him.

I wouldn't say we accomplished a lot, he still hardly talks to me but it was something.

My brother is still being a colossal jerk. He didn't even want to tell his sons about me. I guess he was pretending to ignore it. Yet he complains to my mom that I don't call him.

Gee I wonder why?

I also have been breaking rules.

Major rules.

As in I am dating.

Having been single and with all the trans stuff I had to, and will still have to deal with, I had a firm rule of not dating.

Seriously I had turned down ever single attempt to get my number or some other form of contact info.

I simply was not going to do it.

That is until now.

Why you ask?

This situation was different.

I knew of him through mutual friends. He has only ever known me, yet he does know about my past.

After several meetings through that group, we ran into each other in public on our own a couple of times over a year ago.

We never exchanged any contact info and I did not see him again until a few weeks ago. I remembered him, he was unsure about me(facial surgery and a drastic change in hair color could throw anyone off) until I mentioned something that happened once between us. He laughed, apologized for not only the incident I mentioned, but for not remembering me at first.

With that we spent the next few hours catching up and finally exchanging contact info. Which prompted an email exchange and him asking me out on a date.

Initially I was going to automatically respond with a no. As I thought about it though I realized that since I knew him, had a casual history, that it might be fun to go just to go.

No pressure to do anything, or see him again.

Plus knowing him and having spent some time with him before I trusted him.

Still don't think I was stupid. I met him at our first stop, did not let him pick me up. Met at a public place. This girl knows what she is doing.

Obviously you know how it turned out. As we are still seeing each other and so far it has been great. One of the best experiences dating I have ever had.

No I am not getting ahead of myself or planning a future. Thankfully he isn't either we are just enjoying the company and the fun. The amount of understanding between us has amazed me.

I also am moving out of my previous living arrangement into a new one. I am actually taking up the spare room with my cousin Rock Girl. She could use the extra cash and the rent is idea for me right now. Plenty of room for the two of us.

This is a huge reason I haven't been able to post. Well, yeah, dating too, but if I am not working, out with the beau, I am at her place prepping the room and closet. Not to mention moving a number of things as time and space allows.

Life is just exceedingly busy and doesn't show any signs of slowing down anytime soon.

Which is all good. I wouldn't have it any other way. I finally feel like I am living my life.

Loving it and I see nothing to slow me down.

Though a pause would be nice.

Officially Semi-Official

This blog post title is sponsored by the Department of Redundancy Department.

Today was a big step in the process.

As mentioned my name changed got delayed a little because of a paperwork snafu.

Gotta love those!

Well delayed no more.

Today I got my name changed.

That is right I am officially Kelli Marie now!

No more other name.

Though I do now have to run around and change my name everywhere.

But it is a good problem to have.

Why the Semi-Official you might ask?

Well here in my home state we are no longer allowed to change the gender marker prior to having gender surgery.

I have to wait until that takes place change the birth certificate and visit the DMV yet again.

Oh well at least I can change it eventually.

In the mean time...

...WOO-HOO!!!! I am that much close to fully being me!!!!!

Catching Up Part III: Work Disclosure

Sorry for the delay, preparing for fulltime and dealing with the holidays.

Well I don't recommend it.

Can you say busy?

I knew you could.

Thus between Christmas cards, Surgery, baking cookies, getting the final gifts, recovery, still finding things I need for myself, therapy, gift wrapping, electrolysis...ok I'll stop but you get the idea.

There just hasn't been time to write.

(Ok, I got caught up a little during the down time I had stuck at home. Yet not as much as I wanted to as I was tried a lot and resting as much as I could.)

After I got back from my trip down to Florida I had a busy schedule. My revision was on December 2nd. I would be off until the 12th. The team and department were due to find out on the 5th.

That all changed.

Upon my return to the office I got a call from my HR rep.

"We have to tell them on the 1st. We have some big corporation changes and we are going to use that time to add your news to it. Any issues with this?"

I was fine with it really. Though about an hour later my manager emailed me to "suggest" I work from home that day. Everyone knew I didn't want to be present in the room as I didn't want to be a distraction, so they felt it better if I could relax at home and just focus on work I need to do.

They couldn't have been more wrong.

About being relaxed.

Come the morning of the 1st I got up, did the usually shower and get dressed, I simply cannot work in my PJs like some people. I can be just as comfortable in jeans and a sweatshirt but I like to feel clean and presentable or I just feel lazy and useless.

I was doing ok as I sat at my desk working remotely doing just fine until about 10:45.

The reason was my team was due to find out at eleven.

The rest of the department between twelve and one.

To distract myself I started clear some old mail off my desk. Stuff I had been meaning to sort through for a few weeks when I found something important.

I had not rewed my vehicle tags.

Perfect!

With a DMV office not more than a half mile away from my house I can get out of the house for a few, pick up my prescriptions while out also, and hopefully keep myself from freaking out and remain calm.

I quickly sent out an email to the team right before eleven stating I would be away from my PC for about an hour but I would have my cell should anyone need to contact me.

One of my team members sent me an immediate response.

"Umm you do know we have a meeting at eleven right?"

My reply:

"Yes but I already know what it is about."

The response:

"ahhh...ok"

Knowing the person I could her the confusion and bewilderment in his voice through the email. It didn't matter I locked my laptop, my keys and things, and scooted out the door.

Turned out to be a great decision, as I was busy for over and hour with things, got a salad for lunch and was able to keep from completely focusing on it.

I got back to my desk relaxed. Well more relaxed than I was. I still was freaking out a bit on the inside. When about two o'clock I got the first email.

It was all positive as it was a woman in the department who actually was friends with an FTM. She understood it and supported me.

Than another. Followed by another, getting a total of two more that day.

All good, all positive and all repeating one theme. How brave I was and they would be completely supportive of it.

Well as I have made known I am not the brave one others are.

I replied to them all. Since than I have gotten more the following week while I was home recovering. Followed by a few more personal ones once I got back to the office this week.

Now I am not coming to work as me just yet. I did want to give people some time to process the information. With the time I already had off I would only be back for nine days before the holiday break. Then be off again from the 22nd of December until Jan 3rd.

My first day in the office as me.

Right now I am swapped with the things I need to do for the next few weeks. After that I will have to ready myself for the return to the office.

It will be then we see how others will handle it.

At least there hasn't been any negative reactions yet.

I like to think this can happen and go smoothly. I know there will be a period of adjustment for everyone including myself.

We shall see.

Catch Up Part II: The Surgery

I know, I know the work disclosure needs to be posted but this was a quick one I wanted to get out.

Mostly things have gone really well. It was a much easier recovery this time as it wasn't even a full rhinoplasty but two minor corrections.

I am at home recovering and I can tell you 7 days later and I feel really good and I am looking forward to getting the splint off soon.

The interesting part of the story is what happened before surgery. When I say before, I mean right before. As in when I was in pre-op getting changed and what not.

I was sitting there in sweats and old button down shirt and a zippered hoodie. (Really I would not be able to pull anything over my head so I have been keep some of this stuff around as I will need it at least one more time.)

A pre-op nurse was in the process of taking my vitals, heart rate, blood pressure, mini EKG, etc. When I saw one of the OR nurses start to enter the room.

Then stop.

Back up.

Check the name on the wall outside.

Then start back in.

She asked if I was ? I confirmed. She gave me a curious look, introduced herself as Lisa and then started in the pre-op check list. 

That I had not eaten, how had I prepped this morning, asked me what I was having done that morning and started on my medical history.

During this time the pre-op nurse got my wonderful hospital gown, a bag for items, surgical socks laid out on the bed.

While this was going on a second OR nurse came in to the room. Lori. Now I missed her entrance in the room but I did catch an odd exchange with Lisa.

Now I am at the point they need me to change. They arranged the dividers so I would have a little privacy and a changing I went.

As I am changing Lisa and Lori are on the other side of the curtain and we get into the part of my medical history that was covering my daily medications.

Obviously I have to reveal what I am taking and so I do.

Next we get into prior surgeries as I am finishing up and packing the last of my clothes away in the bag.

I explain what I had done before and it all get rather quiet on the other side of the curtain. Only briefly as I then get asked if I am ready.

I indicate that I am and they open the curtain.

(I should note that my mom was not yet in the room with me. She did get to come in a bit while I was waiting but so far I had been on my own.)

So the curtain gets open, they instruct and help me as I get on the bed and situated so I am comfortable and Lori comes around to connect the IV tubes to me and get all that prepped.

At this point Lori looks at me and said:

"Can I ask you a question?"

"...yes?"

"Are you transitioning to a girl?"

(Should I be stunned at this point? Probably not and I don't think I was. Though I might be more realistic in saying that I probably feel a state that would be something along the lines of mild concerns. As I don't know what will happen once I confirm it.)

"Yes I am."

All I see are two big smiles appear and the response of:

"Good for you hun...but we had a hunch once you started telling us our medical history."

Now what I find out is that it was the medical history that made them think this.

No it was, as I discovered during the next few minutes, that my appearance was the first thing. Since it seemed both of them were confused as they entered the room expecting to see something that would reflect him. Only to see a girl sitting in the chair near the wall talking with the pre-op nurse.

That is what caused Lisa to back out of the room cause she thought she had walked into the wrong one.

Apparently Lori did the same but my attention was drawn elsewhere at that time so I missed it.

We then got into the conversation of where I was at in the process. They did and didn't seem surprised that I was on the verge of going full time so soon. That I was in getting the correction on my nose since everything else turned out well from the earlier surgery sans my nose. I told them I was waiting on my name change. HR was in the process of alerting the department and various parts of the company.

They also asked how long it had taken me. I explained to them that I started four years ago by finally having the courage to sit down with a therapist and talk about what was going on with me. Through all that was removing facial hair, losing extra weight, starting hormones once my therapist offered them and I felt I was ready for such a big step. That I had been on them for 2.5 years. All of that.

They both smiled and Lori said this as she was standing next to my arm arranging tubes and starting the drip.

"Hun you look great. This is going to be easy for you really. You look better than a lot of women I know." All said with a big smile.

Lisa followed up with: "You do, you really do look amazing. I would never have any reason not to think otherwise if I ever met you in public. I have known of a few who have done what you are doing, but never one like you. You going to do great!"

With that they both realized they had not asked me what my new name was going to be so I told them. The loved it an thought it fit.

Just before anesthesia came in the door to send me off to sleepy time land. The two of them were wrapping my legs with inflatable compression garments to help leg circulation. Almost at the same time said:

"Just remember you are a pretty girl, no one can take that from you. And don't worry we are going to take very good care of you. We wish you the best of luck!!!"

They left after this to prep the room as my mom came in just before anesthesia.

I explained to my mom that the nurses had figured it out and if she said anything nothing would be a big problem.

I will say the level of professionalism they should me was great. I know they were also curious about me since it was apparent that they don't encounter people like me and I was not meeting their impression of what a trans person was supposed to be. I think they were stuck with the mental image of a over the top drag queen or something like that. I know I thoroughly impressed them and they were genuinely happy for me.

I'll go even further, post-op. All the nursing staff helping me as I woke up and readied to go home all referred to me as her, she, etc. I don't think they ever looked once at the chart they were just doing all they could to get me safely out the door. They even gave me a different under the nose band to help save my skin from tape as what I had was just going to be awful if I wore it for a few day.

My favorite part was the nurse wheeling me out. Telling everyone she was leaving for a bit with me.

"I'll be gone for a bit as I am taking her out to wait for her mom to bring the car around."

:D

I have learned a lot about myself over the last several months. I have learned even more about the world around me. One of the biggest reasons I finally came out to work was the face that I was no longer able to present the general public with a boy. It had become impossible. It was then that I realized I needed to finish this and start the new part of my life.

There will be some ups and downs mostly those will come from those around me who knew him.

Because honestly if I had my name legally changed I don't think those two OR nurses would have suspected anything at all.

Week In Review

I know there are posts that I need to finish, trust me I am working on them but I have been exceedingly busy. When I do finally have time to sit down I have been crashing. Hard.

Most of the time I am either reading for a bit or catching up on a little TV when I finally get some spare time.

(Really I don't even know what spare time is these days. Honestly I am told it exists but like Bigfoot and the Loch ness monster, I am having a hard time believing it does.)

(I DVR Dexter, The Walking Dead, Mythbusters, and Castle. I totally forgot to set a schedule for Once Upon A Time. Told you I have been busy. And yes that is about all I watch regarding TV.)

I do promise to get caught up with my outstanding posts. I know there is a big one everyone wants to read.

There is a friend I owe an email too and I feel bad about it. She probably thinks I have been neglecting her. I haven't but there are times were I have so much other things to focus on that I just don't have enough time in the day.

Who do I have to ask to get the number of hours in a day bummed from 24 to 32.

Better still who do I have to bribe or kill to get 32 hours.

Ran into a little snafu getting my fingerprints taken for my requisite background check so I can legally change my name.

The issue?

My drivers license picture doesn't match me or I don't match it. Which ever works better to your point of view.

The Detective refused since he could no verify I was who I said I was.

I am? Well we know that answer but we still have to prove I was the old person I pretended I was for so long.

Details. Psssh!

Thankfully I had taken the afternoon off so I rushed over to the local DMV office and got my license updated with a new picture. Didn't care too much about what I looked like since it will all get changed again when I change my name.

I will have to wait for the new one to arrive by mail. So I will be back to my local police department next week so I can get printed and checked.

Really if I am not me who is?

Is there someone out there who looks more like me than I do.

This could explain the sudden spikes on my credit cards.

No...wait...that is all me.

Damn.

Crammed in between therapy, electrolysis(can't wait for that to be done). I had to get a flower arrangement sent to the funeral I am not allowed to attend. Return to Nordstroms for a winter coat that I liked.

Not that I decided I wanted it I did but last weekend when I was there with my mom (I know, I know. No need to remind me.) The zipper kept breaking open, it wasn't the size that was an issue just a simple tug on the coat, say putting your hand in your pockets, would cause it. Nordstroms offered to replace the zipper for free. After I had tried on so many coats that day I couldn't say no.

Hence I returned on Saturday to pick it up. Now since I had been running around with other things that day as the boy. I needed to change because Nordstroms had everything registered as Kelli.

The neato part? Well I was rushing right? So quick change of clothing, hair pulled up into a ponytail strung through the hole in the back of a hat. Grabbed my purse and jacket. Out the door I went.

No makeup or anything else whatsoever.

As soon as I walked into the coat department. Ma'am can I help you? No questions. No weird looks.

Really though at least the hard work, pain and effort is showing. A year ago I wouldn't have tried it without a wig, two years ago, without makeup. Yet here I am today using neither and just letting myself be me.

And it worked.

Better still I didn't even think about it or panic.

In addition to having a few sit down talks with my manager again, and my department head. Well things are looking up the both seems to relax a little and were willing to discuss somethings. It is a start regardless.

Just busy, busy, busy.

Oh and in this lack of spare time I need to increase my workout program. I am going to introduce some calisthenics to help with overall fitness and muscle tone. Nothing to build anything up I don't need but I would like to start toning a bit now that my body has been pleasantly adjusted by HRT.

I just want to see if I can trim a little more of the unnecessary deposits off my figure. Plus I have been holding at the higher end of my weight scale so I know I have been carrying more then usual.

I think that is it. I'll have posts coming when I can get some spare time...

...Hahaha, who am I kidding?

Because I haven't Had Time To Stand Still Let Alone Write a Blog Post

I know and if this post stays short enough the title might be longer than the post itself.

Now with that concern taken care of.

Super busy right now as I have mentioned. Spent time with B this last weekend and was even pleasantly surprised by and appearance from C.

And I do mean surprised! As in she jumped out of his apartment when I was half way down the hall, to say boo!

She even told the two of us later that she wished the three of us could hang out more, but seeing as how she lives on the other side of the state, it makes things difficult.

Though the truly touching part was when we somehow got on the subject of family and the holidays. She was shocked to find out my situation with my parents would affect attending some family functions. Though I do have plans simmering to potentially visiting friends out of state she still told me this:

"Well if those don't happen by all means you are more then welcome to come with B to my house for Thanksgiving, since I always host it. You are even welcome to stay the weekend."

Can you be shocked, touched and floored simultaneously?

Because I believe I was.

C didn't have to say that but she did.  I simply love those two. :D

Had the Professor over for dinner this week. With some very interesting conversations during it. All is well and he is still as supportive as ever.

I have another disclosure scheduled for this weekend. An old friend I might have mentioned here. Just someone I need to get around too. No idea how this one will go.

With that I disappear again, hopefully time will be on my side soon and I can write about some of what has been happening. This is a blog, it is kind of the point to talk about daily life and events. Even if they are a bit mundane.

Right?

Interesting Development

So early this week I was showing a picture on my phone to a couple of guys at work.

They commented on what I was showing them and then followed that comment up with this:

"So who is the chick in the photo?"

Well...that chick was me.

I know it was said tongue in cheek, but I cannot help but wonder what they are now thinking.

The last time I had gotten my hair cut short was almost two and a half years ago.

It is starting to reach my shoulders.

Most of my weight loss occurred before I walk in the door here in January 2008.

Granted I didn't start hormones until May of 2009.

Still this is the first time I have heard something like this.

I wasn't upset. Though I did pause before I said anything. I also hope I placed the right expression of irritation on that said how could they think such a thing.

No idea if I succeeded on that last one.

But still the comment was generated because of the way I currently look.

Things should get interesting around here very soon. Scheduling FFS is going to trigger coming out to HR and management.

As I don't think I am going to be able to disappear for a few weeks and come back and expect to walk around here continuing to be a boy.

Life is going to get more and more interesting.

Because I Can't Say It Better

These just seem to fit this morning

I won't Back Down

Well, I won't back down, no, I won't back down
You can stand me up at the gates of hell
But I won't back down
No, I stand my ground, won't be turned around
And I'll keep this world from draggin' me down
Gonna stand my ground and I won't back down


I won't back down - hey baby, there ain't no easy way out
I won't back down - hey, I will stand my ground
And I won't back down


Well, I know what's right, I got just one life
In a world that keeps on pushin' me around
But I'll stand my ground and I won't back down


I won't back down - hey baby, there ain't no easy way out
I won't back down - hey, I will stand my ground
I won't back down - and I won't back down

I won't back down - hey baby, there ain't no easy way out
I won't back down - hey, I won't back down
I won't back down - hey baby, there ain't no easy way out
I won't back down - hey, I will stand my ground
I won't back down - and I won't back down
I won't back down - no, I won't back down


Freed

Iv'e got my heart crammed in a bottle
And all the while I fought so little
What is this fear we hold so deeply
To stand alone alone completely
It's do or die it's now or never
It's cats and dogs it's helter skelter


Till i'm free
Yeah free
Something inside me is begging to be free
We hardly live for fear of dying
Then fall asleep and call it living
I hardly love for fear of losing
I'll hardly loose yet i'm not loving


Till i'm free
Yeah free
Something inside me is begging to be free
Something inside me is begging to be free


Free yeah free

Something inside me is begging to be free
Something inside me is begging to be free

Kelli's To Do List

Wow nothing like filling up the plate again.

Over the next four weeks I have to:

Reschedule telling my parents. Not so easy with Mothers Day coming up not to mention my oldest Nephew's graduation the first week of June. Plus with summer approaching they like to travel a bit more frequently then they do now.

See my HRT doctor again. Along with discuss adding progesterone into the mix. If not I might consider a new doctor. I don't know if it will work but I would like to try adding something to the mix. At least I already got the blood work done.

I fly to Chicago to talk with a surgeon about getting some work done to the face. Again I am trying to be careful here as I don't want to change too much or look over worked. Yet I do want to make some changes.

Finish three posts rolling around in my head.

Did I mention telling my parents?

Get to my seamstress to get a few things altered. Jackets are a tricky thing since I have wider shoulders then the average girl my height and I would like to be able to wear them more often. Plus I have two dresses I need adjusted. I am not perfect.

Decide what I am going to do about my current living situation. I know it cannot last so I best start thinking about it. The time may come sooner rather then later. Might be a good idea to talk to my CU about seeing if they still do pre-approvals and figure out what I can get along with afford without impacting other transition plans.

If the Chicago Doctor doesn't feel like it will work out I am considering a Boston based Doctor. I'll have to get going on that rather quickly.

Contact some attorneys since I feel I am going to need one. This one is not one I am looking forward too.

Attend my Nephew's Graduation, which should prove to be interesting since some parts of his family haven't seen my in almost ten years. Not to mention the fact that my own brother hasn't seen me in three and a half.

I'm not sure I mentioned that I still have to meet with my parents.

Nothing like having to have to do all this in the next month or so.

Just Another Girl

Those words were spoken to me this weekend.

Now before I tell you why let me set up how this came about.

Two of my dear friends S & J told me about a weekend event at a local resort on the other side of the state. Which here is only about a two and a half hour drive.

So I grabbed a Friday off from work and headed out.

Now before I go any further this was a TG event and as you know I have rather different along with strong feelings about these types of things. Those were very firmly reconfirmed this weekend to. However I have known S & J for over a year. I know these two carry themselves well and are not going to make a public spectacle of themselves.

They also are not the type to rely on the crowd to do things, in fact I did a lot with just these two all weekend and had a blast doing so.

Which was just what I was looking for.

Also there was R (whom I wrote about here) and her friend R2. Who seems like a pretty good cookie herself.

The most fun I had was out shopping in the quaint little downtown that was nearby. Just J and myself mostly(we had S early on but she started not feeling well and wanted to take a nap before that evening's festivities. So she headed back.).

Still it was blast and I was continuously amazed how many shop owners J knew. She stopped and chatted with so many of them it was wild. I think she eventually told me she had been going out there in the fall for about eight or nine years now. The spring was a little new from what I gather.

The craziest story I had was in this little boutique near one end of the strip. They had some uber cute clothes, and me and cute get along soooooo well. I was oogling this super hot blue party dress with these beautiful peacock feather patterns on it. The awesome sales girls walks up to us, looks at me, then states:

"Girl you have jeans on and I can tell you have the legs for this. Go try it on."

"Really?!"

"Yes, lets grab your size and put you in a room."

So back into the changing room I went, changing out my jeans, layered tanks and cropped cardigan for this saucy little number. It really was more daring then what I normally wear.

First thoughts?

Wow! Was it short, I started tugging it down when she asked if I was ok and I said yes, she popped open the curtain and quite matter of fact said:

"OMG! Girl you have killer set of legs and a butt! Come out here."

She pulled me out to stand in front of the mirror and chided me that with a butt like mine I needed to pull the skirt up. As I kept pulling it down lower and she kept hiking it up. However even my friend J and a cis girl agreed with the assessment. Not only did I have the body for it I looked great in it.

I had to admit it did. Even though I am still unsure about the length I did get it. Along with this really cute pastel swirl dyed tee shirt.

I have no idea if sales girl knew anything but in watching her interaction with her other cisgendered customers she treated me no different and was actually more complimentary toward me then some of the others. She was super sweet and knew her fashion. Sometimes I think it might be just that I don't present myself over the top. As I mentioned I was simply in jeans, layered tanks, cropped cardigan, with cute little white sneakers on. I love to be stylish but when all else fails I'll default to just cute. Which works fine for me also.

I sometimes wonder if cis women are more accepting when you present yourself in a less over the top manner. J and I noticed a few other girls while we were out and there were times the two of us just rolled our eyes ourselves.

Which brings me to the second part of this story. Shortly thereafter I got a text from R that her and R2 were out getting some lunch downtown. J and I located them to say hi and catch up a bit. Her and I had eaten already so we didn't join them. After a few we said goodbye and promised to meet up with them later that evening.

J and I did a little more shopping before heading out to get S and grab dinner before the evening.

It was later at the party event that evening I learned what happened after I left R and R2 to their lunch. The café they were at was a two story establishment. First this was the first time these to had ever seen me outside of a club or party environment. So the fact that I was dressed casually cute surprised them. They loved it and decided to make me part of an observation experiment.

As I mentioned the location was two stories and they were on the second story which was all windows. Being right next to one with a large view of the street below they decided to watch me as I moved along the street until I was out of sight.

What did they see?

Well they told me that I looked no different then anyone else out there. They marveled at how well I just went out and did my thing, fully confidant in myself and who I was. They also noticed that no one was looking at me oddly, giving me quizzical looks, etc. I simple was 'just another girl' enjoying the brisk spring weather and the fun shops as I moved up and down the street.

For the most part this is true. I don't question who I am anymore. I am quite confidant regarding that. I just have some physical changes I want to make to remove that last remanents of him and fully be able to cast off any lingering limitations they cause.

The biggest thing I have learned is to just by myself. A lot of things get taken care of after that. Not to mention people seem to find that easier to accept.

All in all the weekend was a blast. I had a ton of fun for the most part and I am glad the evening crowds were decided more mixed which I prefer. Not to mention on this trip I got to leave as girl and return as a girl with nothing else in between.

Ten Little Known Facts About Me

1. I can make a whistling sound either blowing air out or pulling air in. While trying to learn when I was young I figured out first how do it while pulling air in.

2. I won awards for some of my artwork while in HS.

3. I also wanted to be a graphic artist when I was growing up (If I really could I would have loooooved to have been a cartoonist). I am simply too much of a perfectionist and terrible with deadlines when it comes to that.

4. I have a tendency to dance with my eyes closed. I have no idea why but I just do. I constantly have to remind myself to open them.

5. I have only one true sports passion, playoff hockey. Granted I only watch my hometown team as long as they are still playing. However, since 1991 they have played in 244 games in the springtime. I have watched 241 of them without fail. Only missing 3.

6. My favorite children's book is Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs. Yes I read this as a small child, it was first published in 1978, so I knew about it long before it ever became a movie. In fact whenever friends for family have their first baby I always get them a copy of it as a gift.

7. Without a doubt my favorite color is Purple. I simply love a nice deep royal version of it. Funny thing is I consciously stopped buying clothes in that color because I thought I had too much. Going through my closet recently I realized I now have too little and wished I had more.

8. My favorite flavor of ice cream is Bluemoon. Though Cookies and Cream, Moosetracks, and Ben & Jerry's Phish Food are all high on the list.

9. I started learning how to cook when I was 8 years old. I still love it today.

10. I have only broken one bone ever in my entire life. The pinky finger of my right hand when I was about six. This is fairly amazing considering some of the extraordinarily reckless things I have done over the years.

There you have it, ten useless trivia items about yours truly. The interesting thing about this list if the right person read it the might be able to figure out who I am.

Shakin' What Your Mama Gave Ya!

In leu of the fact that I am headed out for a few days of fun and frivolity this weekend in which I plan on participating in one of my favorite things.

Dancing!

I love to dance. I spend a lot of my early bar hopping years hanging out with a few girls who would allow me to join them at a few local clubs.

I did have to watch the chick moves a bit but I still had fun. Not to mention got pretty good. Granted I am not amazing or anything but I can hold my own. Though it did take a little practice to learn how to do it in heels. :D

It was there I develop a love of early electronic, industrial and even techno based music. I heard a lot of Ministry, KMFDM, Lords of Acid, Nine Inch Nails. Which lead into Deadmau5, Kaskade, Fatboy Slim, Benny Benassi, and the Crookers.

Along with a lot of the party classics. Though I dance to all types of music as long as it has a good beat.

However there are a few songs that just cause me to stir no matter where I am at. Most of them are on the current club rotation so I hear them fairly frequently.

With that I give you songs to shake your thing too.

Enjoy!

Ain't Technology Great?

Sometimes being a geek has its advantages.

I know it isn't typical a girl thing, but I do like technology. While I don't know if I want to be a systems admin for the rest of my life I do enjoy it to a degree.

It suits me since I am naturally inquisitive. I love to learn things. The world is full of amazing things. Both in nature and in science. I had aspirations of being a paleontologist when I was little. I actually find it a bit sad when I meet people who just don't seem to care about learning or exploring the world around them.

Truly it seems to me they are wasting the short time we get to be here without actually living it.

So right now work will remain technology based. I've though about getting involved in media somehow in the future but I have other things to deal with before I go down that road.

Back on topic. I have been working to get a playlist widget on my blog. I had been working with imeem's code for a few weeks in early December when all of a sudden imeem went the way of the do-do when myspace took them over.

Boo! Hiss!

I've never liked Myspace very much. Not to mention I had to wait almost two months to get them back so I knew what was on them.

The upside to this is I discovered the wonderful GrooveShark. Which I like even better. Granted it still has some rough edges it is still a fantastic service.

Also their widget was super easy to setup and use. All I really had to do was play with the size and colors to get it look good with my blog. After that it was one click to add my playlist and insert the code.

So today if you look down on the left sidebar you will see my grooveshark music widget with my transition playlist. So rather then all you wonder full people having to track this list down you simply need to click play. I am so looking forward to sharing my x-man playlist later this year. I have some interesting choices on that but still fun very christmasy.

I do hope you enjoy the current selection and keep an eye out for others that I am sure will come.

Music for your soul

I happened across an interesting post a few weeks back. Another blogger made a post about music as a soundtrack for transition.

I thought this was a great idea and being the music lover that I am I posted a few of the songs I had at the top of my head.

I also listen to some of those listed in the original post that were new or unfamiliar to me.

Also those songs that have lyrics that specifically touch a nerve I have added a link for them to be read. If not the songs general theme or mood is what I feel is important.

So here is my list in no particular order.

Suddenly I See - KT Tunstall (lyrics)
Naked Eye - Luscious Jackson
Mother Mother - Tracy Bonham (lyrics)
Frantic - Metallica (lyrics)
Feel So Free - Ivy (lyrics)
32 Flavors - Ani Difranco (lyrics)
Just a Girl - No Doubt (lyrics)
That is Not My Name - The Ting Tings
Beautiful - Joydrop (lyrics)
Learning to Fly - Tom Petty & the Heartbreakers (lyrics)
I love Myself Today - Bif Naked
You Don't Know How It Feels - Tom Petty & the Heartbreakers
Right Now - Van Halen (lyrics)
I Don't Need a Man - Pussy Cat Dolls
When I Was A Boy - Dar Williams (lyrics)
Hook Me Up - The Veronicas (lyrics)
Bring Me to Life - Evanescence (lyrics)
Second Chance - Shinedown (lyrics) 
Extraordinary - Liz Phair (lyrics)

Now these songs reflect anything from the difficulty of transitioning. To just feelings of feminine empowerment. Though it seems the latter is hard to find without being to pop or campy. There are some great songs out there by some fantastic female artists, but they seem more slanted toward relationships or love. Sophie B Hawkins - 'Damn I wish I was your lover' or Joss Stone's - 'Fell in love with a Boy' comes to mind.

However there is one more song for that list. Someone asked me if I had a theme song. Something that encompassed all this in general. I thought about this for a while and a song that I used to listen to all the time when I was in high school jumped out at me. I had just recently heard it again. He isn't a favorite artist of mine but I simply loved this song and had forgotten about it. For me it hits home on so many levels.

Freedom 90 - George Michael (lyrics)

Now this list is version 1.0 I am always looking for new music and I even have five unopened CDs sitting on my desk that I haven't even had time to listen too. Not to mention some missing imeem play lists. I'll update this down the road when I have some new material but please feel free to add suggestions.

I do want to thank Rebecca over at The Thang Blog for putting this idea in my head. Her original post can be found here.

Bright Spot

Well I managed to make it through the holiday season without gaining a pound.

I weight the same today as I did November 1st.

No, I don't starve myself and I did enjoy the food at all the parties. I just watched how much and was on the treadmill without fail.

Getting down to a manageable weight just takes dedication and desire.

Whats in a name?

Well...

...as you might know Kelli Bennett is not my actual name.

Shocking I know.

I am not sure how I latched onto the name Kelli but I like it, it has been with me for a long time.

I answer to it.

I recognize it.

It is me.

I will not let go of it.

(Couple this with the fact that I found out my parents were going to name me after my mother had I actually been born a girl. I would still change my name if that was the case. No offense to my mother but that would have drove me nuts. What were they thinking?)

So when the name change happens, which I plan on timing for going full time, I will stick with Kelli.

I like too much now not to use it.

However the big quandary is my last name.

Bennett, isn't mine.

Obviously.

Mine is a rather identifiable ethnic name. Common enough in the native country to be well know, and unique enough here to have people ask me all the time of I know such and such.

(And no I was born here in the US. Third generation at least.)

Other then my parent, brothers, uncle, two nephews and the one cousin who didn't get married.

The answer is no.

However I am rather partial to it.

It has long been an identifying moniker for me. Heck even my nickname, which is the first initial of my last name. Has been that way for 25 years.

I have a rather common first name and there were several of us in my HS including a few in my graduating class. So to seperate us my last name was used.

Which got shortened to just the first letter.

It is me, I like it, I also like my last name. Part of me will miss that.

I could however keep it. Instead of becoming Kelli Bennett. I could instead choose Kelli <current last name>. It does actually fit, has a nice ring to it. The nickname could still be used.

No I won't post what it is here. Again too identifying while I am pre-transition and not fully out.

The problem here is I like both.

I am so not sure what to do with this one.

*sigh*

Bring out your Dead.

I love using movie references for the titles of my posts!

So what is my point with this one?

Well, a few weeks ago I searching the interwebs to find some events to attend in my local area.

Get out of the house so to speak.

While my eyes scanned the list I had found and entry in the theater section jumped out at me.

Evil Dead: The Musical.

Really?

For real?

Noooo.

Someone turned three campy, gory, and very cheese horror movies into a musical?

Now I am NOT a big horror movie fan. I have seen these movies once, quite a long time ago. But I was stunned that someone turned this into a musical.

So I did want any self respecting geek would do. I googled it.

Low and behold it was true.

And there were YouTube clips.

I was astounded, the samples that I saw were outrageous yet incredibly well done.

Curiosity got the better of me and I found it was playing in a local theater this past Saturday.

I got myself tickets and proceeded to go.

O.M.G!

Now this was a rather smallish limited budget production (I'd love to see this done in a larger venue) but is was still an absolute riot. I laughed, I cried, I cringed, and I laughed some more.

It simply was unlike anything I had ever seen and the musical numbers were amazing and totally off the wall wild.

The whole thing was wickedly creative and down right silly, campy, cheesy fun. With a splash of gore.

It is also defiantly not a show for children or the bashful.

But if you are looking for something different to do, can stand a little camp and bad puns, and you can find a production in your area, I highly recommend it.

I promise you, like it or not, you've never seen anything like it.

Oh, and the signs leading into the theater stated quite plainly: "This production uses large amounts of stage blood. There will be splatter. You have been warned."

They are not kidding, if you want to stay clean I suggest that you NOT sit in the first few rows.

It's always nice to see something new and unique.

Not to mention actually be entertaining.

Happy Halloween