Happy Halloween!!!

This One Time At Camp

I have experienced so many things over the course of the last five and a half years.

From thoughts, to emotions, physical changes, highs and lows.

So much so that, while surprised at times, I just did not think I could feel anything that would overwhelm me anymore.

At least not like things did when I was figuring all this out and struggling with all of it.

I have largely been furiously happy, enjoying life and even the down moments are no where near as bad.

As they say transition can be like a rollercoaster, full of ups and downs.

Yet just like a rollercoaster I thought all the big stuff was mostly done with(GRS being the only large thing left) just the smaller bumps and twists as I settle into life.

I could not have been more wrong.

Since I learned first hand there will still be moments that will be extremely profound.

Several of these happened during the first week of July.

Through a few channels, I discovered last year, the existence of a camp for transgender youth. The idea of it intrigued me greatly. I reached out to the camp organizers last year and was notified they would contact me the following spring once they had their schedule set.

I had actually forgotten about it until I got an email in mid to late April. They needed more counselors and wanted to know if I would be interested in interviewing.

I jumped at the chance and said yes!

And wow did I ever have to interview.

I had several email exchanges, one phone interview and one skype webcam one. I had to provide three references, professional included, along with a health form filled out by my general practitioner.

After all that, I got the green light to go!! Which surprised me a little since I had never been to a sleep over camp personally(only day camps). Never been a counselor at one either. All I really had was two winters as an assistant girls basket ball coach(eight and nine year olds). Other than that it was babysitting my nephews when they were smaller.

All I could hope to do was learn and bring as much energy and passion as I could. Then just hope for the best.

Thus I had to scramble around and find a decent airfare to travel to parts unknown.

Well not entirely unknown, but the location of the camp is never published for obvious reasons. I was just given an airport in California to fly into.

(I am not worried about revealing the California locale since it is such a big state. I could have been anywhere.)

I was able to find something reasonable and proceeded to get all the rest of my info and packing done.

Not to mention I had a crazy two weeks prior to leaving at work since we had a host of servers to exchange out on a lease refresh and they had to be shipped out by the 28th of June.

Still I was able to get ready to go and off to the West Coast I went.

The counselors had to arrive a day early to met and learn about how the camp would operate. Things we were and were not allowed to discuss with the kids.

We did this through early Sunday afternoon when we got a break before the kids arrived later that day.

There are so many moments that I witnessed over the course of the week. Yet seeing these kids come in with their parents, particularly my cabin, was truly something.

I was assigned to ten, eight and nine year old trans girls. I will call them girls because honestly they were. Every single one of them.

It was really amazing to see them just being themselves. More on this later.

What really touched me deeply was watching the support of the parents who were bringing them in. There might have been some trepidation and uncertainty but I truly got a sense that most of these parents were really trying to understand it and be supportive.

Others were just totally on board and just wanted to be the best parent possible.

Case in point was the little girl who was one of the last to come into my cabin(before anyone panics there were three counselors staying in my cabin. This includes myself, we were also fortunate to be sharing our cabin with one of the two nurse volunteers on staff that week) with a low fever.

Now if the fever persisted it was not going to be possible for her to stay. Still her mom had medicated her before they left and I was asked by one of our A-Team counselors(hey it is what they called themselves) to take her to the infirmary and keep an eye on her until dinner. Which included a few more temperature checks.

It was during this that I got to spend a lot of time with her and talk her Mother, Father and little brother. (He was a total cutie and a complete character.)

Her mom just talked with me for quite a bit and kept checking in on her before and after her parent meeting. She was just so focused on making sure she was ok. As she really wanted her daughter to stay and not have to go home.

It was just so cool to see her treating her daughter as a normal child.

However since I did not know how we were going to pass the time just yet. I grabbed a deck of cards and headed to the infirmary with my charge in tow.

First checkup her temp was normal. Without knowing what to do and not being able to let her run around. I asked her and she suggested we head down to the Art & Crafts area.

It was there she taught me to make vinyl lanyards. (I totally need to brush up my friendship bracelet skills for next year. My cousins taught me when I was thirteen. I think the last time I made one was around fifteen).

On the way down however we ran into her Dad who wanted to check in on her.

While talking he noticed the logo on my deck of playing cards.

They had the University of Michigan logo on them. Plus they were bright blue and yellow.

"Really? Michigan cards?" As he wrinkled his nose a bit at them.

"Well yeah, I live there. Let me guess you are an Ohio State fan?"

"No actually Notre Dame(not a fan of them either but at least it was not Ohio St). You live in Michigan now?"

"Yes. I have lived there my whole life."

"And you came all the way out here for this camp?"

"Yes I did."

"Why this camp?"

"Well I think it is a great idea and a worthy cause. Also it is a bit close to my heart being Trans myself."

I got a stunned second expression from him. I could tell that in that moment he had not placed me as trans. Simply one of the female counselors in his daughters cabin.

Nothing changed between us at that point. We still chatted about our college teams and discussed her daughter. I think this was a case with a number of parents, who seemed a little shocked when I told them something similar. Mostly because they would ask me if I was from the local area or state. To which I would reply no, I am from Detroit or Michigan.

{Really if my readers have not been able to figure that out where I live by know, I don't know what to tell you. For reals, I have posted pictures from two Red Wings games. Mentioned that it was the home team and the arena and city were printed on the ice in one of them. Sherlock Holmes would have a few choice words with you about your powers of observation.}

They would be surprised that I had come so far for the camp. I would tell them something like the story above. That the camp is a great idea, I feel these kids deserve a chance, and that because I was trans myself I thought it was really important to me.

I would get a quick second glance. It was again obvious to me that they had no idea until that moment that I was trans.

Nothing ever changed between us, but I think some parents were often wondering what kind of life their kid would have. Meeting someone like me who had her act together. Really just hit home that it was possible for their child to have a normal life. If they so desired. I think that because of a number of counselors are trans a lot of parent could walk away and think, just maybe that this is not so bad.

It adds a level of difficulty but it is not nor should it be as terrible as it is sometimes made out to be.

Now my patient and I bonded during that time. I know I am not supposed to have favorites and I did have so many amazing girls in my cabin. I laughed and cringed with them all. Other then one child who caused a stir doing something that they had never encountered before at camp. Without revealing details or the whole story I will just say she decided she did not want to be there and took matters into her own hands. I know what happened because it was on my watch.

Another had just way to much energy and no filter on her mouth. She would blurt out anything and everything. We constantly had to rein her in.

There was the Red Ant invasion Monday night that caused a lot of sleepless night for us the rest of the week.

Even with those crazy events I had a blast. I greatly enjoyed my time there. My Patient and I did a lot together all week as I was her activity director a number of times for her. We even did our swim test together. (you just have to prove you know how to swim to get an arm band and be allowed in the deep end). I laughed because she thought adults just knew how to swim. I told her not all do, we have to be taught also, but that I had known how to swim since I was little. Yet I still needed to do the test.

Which brings up an interesting side story. I had never been in a bathing suit or swimming since about 2008 maybe 2009 but I cannot recall. I had been having an awful time finding something I liked and felt comfortable in. As much as people tell me I have a bikini body(I do not), I am not remotely comfortable in one. I did manage to find a one piece that worked and I felt ok in.

This was something I was not sure I even going to be able to do. It came up Monday afternoon when I had to track down a counselor who I was helping put together the talent show on Friday. I located her in the pool and she suggested I go get my bathing suit and join in. I mentioned the above story to her and she challenged me again about it. I told her that I would build up to it, as I dangled my feet in the water, and that I was soaking in all the positive vibes watching the kids and other counselors.

She told me that if I needed encouragement later in the week to let her know.

Which I did and she did.

Day of, her and another counselor came down with me during their rest period and totally supported me. While I sat there, have a last minute twinge of doubt, She looked at me and asked what I needed.

"Rebecca, I need you to tell me to get over my shit, get into the pool, do my swim test so that I can enjoy swimming the rest of the week."

With a twinkle in her eye she wonderfully replied with  "Kelli. Get over your shit, get into the pool, do your swim test so that you can have fun the rest of the week."

I laughed but appreciated the humor. As we already know I did get in and enjoy the pool a few times that week. It did not hurt that Patient X walked in right before I got in asking me how I did my swim test. Which I then prompted we do it together.

There are so many things I can tell you about that I have taken away from this experience but I will cover a few that stand out in my mind beyond what I already talked about.

First was the profound thought as I stood and watched these kids being kids. Really that was it to, I watched sixty boys and girls being boys and girls. COMPLETELY forgetting the fact that these kids are trans. It would just click in my head and I would be simply in awe of what I was witnessing. It just so seemed like normal sleep over camp. Yet all these kids were just like me.

Not to mention how supportive these kids were of each other. Yes there were a few personality clashes, some he said/she said/they said drama. Which is typical in any group of kids.

One truly touching thing was the camp pairs up older kids with first time attendees. It was heartfelt and a total tear jerker to watch all these older kids get into it and completely support the younger ones. Not only that but often I would see the older ones stopping to talk to some of my campers all week long. To see a community of kids support each other like that was freaking amazing. The rest of the world could learn a thing or two about supporting each other.

Or the fact that during the talent show one of my campers was signed up to sing a song solo, but during her performance she got stage fright. Thankfully one of the other counselors suggest to the other girls in my cabin to go up and help her(I was on the other side of the lodge helping run the show so there was not a whole lot I could do). Yet not only did five of my other girls go up the whole audience also stood up and sang with her. I think three of us were sniffling in the back it was so sweet and cool to see.

There were also the two older teen girls that I had to help escort back through the airport on the day camp was over. Several kids were placed with counselors who were also flying out that day, as the kids were flying as unaccompanied minors. We got assigned to them to make sure they did not get stuck for any reason and made it safely through to boarding.

Both girls were from the greater NY area and just really had their stuff together since they were 15 and 14 in ages.

We even had a laugh when they both had me holding their stuff animal pillows in the security line as they tried to dig out their IDs. The oldest told me when I asked why she was laughing.

"You are a grown woman standing with two big stuffed animal pillows in the TSA line!"

I laughed back and answered "I can think of worse things to be holding so I will manage with the pillows."

They both gave me a big hug and asked if they would see me at the second camp on the east coast. To which I sadly had to reply no. As I did not have the ability to do both camps. Still I told the oldest I expected to see her back as a counselor since she expressed the desire to be one some day.

The other really cool thing that I took away from the camp was the other counselors. There were thirty of us with about twenty being trans themselves. Not only that but they were trans people of extreme quality. This groups largely had their act together. Most being in their mid twenties, several in undergrad, graduate school, just finished and even one starting Medical School this fall to become a doctor.

For once I felt as if I was surrounded by my peers. There was not a person there I would not want to hang out with outside of the camp setting. In fact I got contact info for quite a few of them and have kept in touch so far through various means. I had so many interesting conversations with them. They also seemed quite surprised when discussing things that I did not seem aware of or was lacking experience.

I told them that back home a community with people of such high caliber was virtually non existent or really hard to find(my hometown area is so scattered and it does not help that our downtown is in such poor shape that there is nothing to pull us in together). So much so that my life was very hetro-normal and that was the world I existed in. That meeting them was just as big a deal to me as meeting the kids.

Truly it was an amazing experience. Even with the red ant invasion, crazy adolescent drama, the one or two problematic kids, it is something I would do again without hesitation. I have already expressed my desire to return numerous times and I think I will be extended an invite in the future. Schedule allowing I would always love to do one of these each year.

Even so it is an experience I will always cherish and never forget.

Is it time for camp yet?

Again For The First Time: The Game

I have recently found myself doing things I never imagined I would ever be doing.

Again...

...but for the first time.

As myself.

I know I posted me out on the ski slopes last year.

Yet recently I found myself attending something in person, in over three years.

There I was sitting in the stands, my BF next to me(it was his idea and treat to take me), jersey on(yes, always when at a live game), when the thought struck me of where I was.

And that I was doing it as me.

So I snapped this picture right before the opening face off.

I had a blast. I love live hockey and seeing my home town team skating again great!

Yes, I know it is a huge clue as to where I live but hey, it isn't like I have posted what I look like these days...

...or my actual name.

...or where I work.

Still is it is a profound moment when you realize how much life has changed. Yet still is the same.

In addition how great it feels to be living your live freely.

The Cabin In The Woods

It has been a crazy few months and it will take a bit for me to catch you all up on it.

I am going to try though.

The first thing I need to cover is the story of a friend of mine who got in touch with me again.

I'll call him Scholar since he spent over ten years getting his bachelor's degree. (long story)

He is a friend of mine who also knows the Professor.

Which is how he came to learning about me.

Earlier this year, late summer  or early fall, Scholar and the Prof went to lunch. Scholar asked about me and Professor told him that he had not talked to [His Name] in quite some time. Which is true.

So the Professor contacted me to let me know that I was asked about. Since he knew it was my story to tell he left it up to me, but that he did not want to keep avoiding the question.

Fair enough.

I then reached out via text to Scholar and let me know that I wanted to give him a call and talk but that if I did so I would sound a little different.

Before I could call him he attempted to contact me. Unfortunately  I was in a meeting and was unable to answer it. Thus it went to voice mail. Which has a new greeting with a new voice.

Well that removed any chance of not completely shocking him.

I called him back as soon as I was able and when he answered the phone he immediately used the right name and was totally okay with it. In fact it turned out I was the third person he knew that had transitioned(almost 11 years in college remember?). Crazy fact was I was the second MtF and the other was FtM.

We set plans for a dinner in the near future(early sept)  and sat down for a chat that day over a few drinks and a meal.

It was a non event really as he was already familiar with trans individuals and really just wanted to get to know me better.

At the end of the evening he noted a few things.

"Well you still have your sense of humor, you are still a geek, you seem more alive and happy then I have ever seen you. Really you are much the same yet vastly different. Also sitting here talking to you for the last few hours there is no doubt in my mine you are a girl. A pretty cool and amazing one at that."

Closing out this meeting he asked me if I was willing to attend a show by a local Irish drinking band, that the group he hung out with the most, followed around and saw fairly regularly. They had been trying to get me to attend for years but my prior living arrangement would not allow for it. I told him I would love to attend and to let me know when the shows were, that as long as I wasn't tied up elsewhere, that I would make one.

Which promptly came up a few weeks later, alas I was unable to attend that once since it was a bowling night.

All was not lost as the opportunity popped up right after Thanksgiving when Scholar called me again to see how I was doing and to inform me that yet another show was happening the first weekend in December.

The good news was I was totally free that night and mentioned that I would be dragging someone along, as they needed a head count for seating reservations.

As asked Scholar who else would be attending, besides himself, I did not really know anyone else, except for Rogue.

(I'll call him that because it totally fits his history if you know it like I do. Besides it is my blog and I can use any nickname I want too.)

Rogue went to the same HS as myself, Professor and Scholar. Not to mention the four of us did a lot of crazy things together way back when.

However I had not even talked to Rogue in nearly eight years, meaning he was not high on my list of people to have 'the' talk with prior to transition.

I asked Scholar if Rogue had been told anything and he replied that to his knowledge nothing had been said. I also contacted Professor and he stated the same.

So the night of event comes, I go, dragging the BF with me(he is a trouper that one, sometimes he has no idea what he is about to encounter but knows I need the support), Professor even makes a change in his plans and attends for my sake. (I have some amazing friends.)

Upon arriving, I am introduced to everyone there along with Rogue. Now he was a little busy since he was doing the arranging of this event and wanted to make sure there were enough seat for all the people attending.

Thus, beyond a cursory introduction, we did not talk.

Yet interestingly enough we did sit across from each other and though at separate tables. (The group had two long rectangular tables but Rogue and I ended up directly across from each other even if there were two table between us. This is important later.)

Also, once we got settled in the band started fairly soon thereafter so I was forced to wait for a break between the sets.

At which point I tell Scholar and Professor to go grab rogue so I can have a chance to talk to him.

We get him outside and away from the smokers(all bars and restaurants in my home state no longer allow for it inside) to have the following exchange.

"Rogue, I do apologize for doing it this way, but unfortunately I did not have a chance to tell you sooner. While you might not have any idea who I am, you do know me though it has been quite sometime. There has been a great deal of change so unless you have some idea who I am, I will have to explain."

I gave him a moment during which his eye widened and he looked at me and said:

"I have a guess."

"And?"

"Are you [his name]?"

"I was yes, how did you know?"

"Lol, well all night sitting across from you thinking you reminded me of someone. A few of your facial ticks. A smirk or look with your eyes that eventually clicked with me that you reminded me of him. So much so that I was tempted to call him and asked if he had a cousin that I never met who could almost pass for his female twin."

I laughed and said "Well there are some thing you cannot change."

"Honestly, I had no clue until you asked me if I knew who you were, I just thought it was one of those crazy circumstances where you meet someone who reminds you a great deal of someone else. I did not even make the connection until just now. So how are you?"

"Oh, you know same old, same old."

He gave a big laugh "Lol well your sense of humor certainly has not changed."

We chatted for a few minutes and at the end of it I asked if he ad any questions or concerns.

"Just one, Are you happy?"

"Very."

"Good, I might still be a little shocked but I have no issue with it as long as you feel it was right for you."

"It was."

"One last thing."

"Yes?"

"Will we be seeing you around more?"

"I don't see why not."

"Excellent, you have been missed."

It was this point where we needed to head back in as the band was going to start their second set. It was also time for me to leave. I have a busy Sunday morning and already it was late. So I said my goodbyes and headed out the door.

Now you would think that this would be the end of  my store. But nay, it is not. I only told you all that so I could tell you the real story. I mean this post is titled The Cabin in The Woods.

And I don't believe I have actually mentioned a cabin yet.

Well a few weeks after the music event, Scholar called me up and asked what I was doing between the holidays.

[Now before I go any further I feel I should point out Scholar's parents and extended family own two cabins in the norther part of our home state. His parents having the larger of the two properties mostly because they built a larger cabin next to the smaller one and connected the two with a breezeway. What would happened a long ago in a galaxy far, far away, is that between college semesters a bunch of us would head up there to unwind, game, ski, watch movies and generally have some fun before heading back home, and real life. I managed to go for most of the 90's before life took me in a different direction.]

At my current employment we have a full shutdown between the holidays. Mostly because our largest client also shuts down during this time.

I told him I was off and that I was looking to possibly go skiing somewhere.

"Why don't you come up here if you can, we will find room for you, there will be plenty to eat and you know you can go skiing form here. Besides, Scholar, Rogue, and myself already know, anyone else would be new to you. Nothing needs to be said just come up and be you."

I debated with this until the weekend before Xmas. Not sure what I wanted to do, but ultimately deciding I would go Wednesday night, ski Thursday, hang out Friday and if I felt uncomfortable I could head home at any time on Saturday.

Now I had to do a little work Wednesday after Christmas, which I could do from home, handle an appointment, so I needed up getting partially caught in a bad snow storm driving out Wednesday night. Thankfully I was able to drive  north enough to get out of it and the last two thirds of the trip were no issue at all.

It did however turn a three hour trip into five and a half.

Meaning I got there far later than I desired so I was only able to see a couple of people before I needed to get into bed since I was getting up early to leave to go skiing the following morning.

With only an hour, I only got to meet one new couple and spent some additional time with Rogue who helped me to find my sleeping arrangements.

Thursday was great all day on the slopes, for the first time in a long time I had total freedom since I had no one to babysit or teach how to ski. Not that I really mind I love sharing, but this really allowed me to go where I wanted, when I wanted and ski what I wanted.

I had a complete and total blast.

After getting kicked off the slopes in the late afternoon, I headed back to the cabin, stopping only to grab a bit to eat. I was starving and did not want to wait until I got back.

Upon arriving I headed into the main cabin to see if the shower would be free. I knew there were at least ten people currently staying there and I did not want to impede anyone.

What happened was not something I was expecting.

I ran smack into someone I knew...

...and who would know the old me.

Now this was someone who I had not physically seen in nearly fifteen years. He attended college with Scholar, which was how they met, and also how I met him. During those years in the mid nineties I saw and spend time with him a lot, mostly via proxy through Scholar. If you gave him enough information he would remember who version 1.0 of me was. Something else you should know. He has a history of being a player and a skirt chaser. Not deplorably so but once he becomes bored with her he would move on pretty fast.

So there I was just popping in the door which had me in the kitchen and he was right there in front to me. It took me a moment to figure out who he was as he was much older looking but the voice and personality were there. He had arrived that morning after I had already left for the slopes.

"Well hello! Who might you be?" He asked me.

"I'm Kelli."

"Well Kelli I am Jester. When did you get in?" I could see the interest almost immediately. [I'll call him Jester right now for the fact that he has this crazy sense of humor.]

"Last night."

"Then where have you been?"

"I was out skiing today."

"Oh, so your the skier I heard about."

"Yes I am."

"What are you doing now?"

"Well I wanted to see if the shower was free as I would really like to take one."

I managed to break that conversation off rather quickly after that, as I really wanted to take a shower. I should point out that he is not a terribly unattractive man. Being older than me, he is in fairly good shape, though he does smoke. Still had a full head of hair but it had receded back a bit.

He is intelligent, funny, and extremely charismatic but knowing his history I was totally not interested. He might be fun to talk to but it was not going to go any further.

Besides I have a BF I love very much and was certainly not going to jeopardize that. The point here is even if I was single I would keep him at arms length.

Still it was obvious he was very interested in me and once I was done getting cleaned up spent a lot of time where ever I was. He was baffled that I knew Scholar, Professor and Rogue as long as I have(which is much longer than he did) and he had never met me before. He  also could not fathom how an extremely attractive woman,  very intelligent woman, who had a great sense of humor had ended up divorced.

Over the course of Thursday evening to early Saturday morning he asked me out to dinner three separate times. All of which I politely turned down and mentioned that I was dating.

It didn't stop him at all.

But that is the nature of who he is.

However there wasn't any recognition from him that he linked me to the person I was before.

In fact Scholar even told a story that version 1.0 of me played a major role in.  He told it that way not shifting any details of the story at all. Yet he made no mention that the person in the story was also the same person sitting at the other end of the table. Jester even asked about it after the story was wrapped up.

"Hey whatever happened to that guy?

Scholar answered "I lost touch with him several years ago and have not heard from him since."

It was obvious he remember who the old me was but nothing was ever said nor any connection made that I was one in the same.

I can say he might have been persistent but he wasn't obnoxious about it. He was always polite but I always knew what his intentions were and where he wanted to go.

My guess is he finally decided to leave on Saturday because I was constantly rebuffing him and a few more people showed up including a former girlfriend of his.

I was still pretty crazy to receive that kind of attention all weekend long.

And THAT is not even the end of the story yet.

There was one other person there who came in Friday morning. I'll call her Ginger since...well...she is a ginger. Fiery red hair, pale skin and freckles to make a Wesley jealous.

Ginger is someone who I attended high school with along with Professor, Scholar and Rogue.

Again someone who knew the old version of me but was not involved with this version. It had probably been ten years since I last saw her.

She had no idea who I was and just thought I was new to the group. However over the course of Friday and Saturday, small tidbits were revealed to place just how I knew Professor, Scholar and Rogue. We were not making it hidden that I had known them for a long time, just sticking to the story that I was new for the rest of the group and that this was my first time up at the cabin. Up to where she asked me if I attended the same high school with her.

Which I think was the one item that really through her off, how could I possibly have gong to high school with those three and she not know who I was.

Which brought us to Saturday morning we were in the second cabin watching the new Doctor Who seasons(yes they got me hooked and I am just starting the David Tennant seasons) when the boys with us got called outside to rescue a stuck car.

Leaving Ginger and myself alone. I turned to look at her and she faced me, I could see the gears turning in her head(she is a highly intelligent person if a prone to a little flightiness). I asked if there was a question she had, I did so in a way I knew she might recognize. (remember you cannot change or hide facial ticks, which seems to be the only way others who knew me well can make the connection. Ginger knew the old version of me quite well and I know it was starting to each at her why she could not have met me before.

I could see the light bulb go off suddenly.

She said "Your [his name]!"

"I was, yes. How did you know?"

"Omg it was the fact Professor, Rogue, and Scholar knew who you were. I could not figure out how you could know them and I did not know you. Little tidbits of info including the fact that we all went to high school together were just bugging me. What finally did it was the mischievous little smirk you had and still do. You look so completely different and amazing, I would never have put it together otherwise."

She came around the projector and sat next to me on the couch, grabbed both of my hands and asked.

"Are you happy?"

"Extremely."

"Awesome!" She then gave me a big hug. "Don't ever let anyone ever tell you this was wrong. I think it is incredible and I am so happy for you. I am so excited to get to know you again!"

And that is finally the whole story. I had a ton of fun and ended up staying until Sunday morning. I got to ski, game(I HIGHLY recommend Cards Against Humanity if you can handle an adult natured game, you will also find out how deliciously evil your friends are), get caught up on movies and some reading. I even get hooked onto Doctor Who. I met fifteen new people in all. Four other couples and their other single friend Moe. Which I can use as that is the nickname they assigned him, since he has the same first name as Rogue. I had a lot of fun doing some light bonding with the other girls.

Almost to a person they asked if I would be back. Of which I promised that as my schedule allowed I would.

So that is just part of my wild December. There is more to come but this post has already gotten long enough.

I still marvel at it all. How I am able to just be myself how few people see anything different other than the girl that I am. Even Professor, who has spend the most time with me recently both before and after transition said something recently when I was responding to something I did.

"OMG you are such a chick!"

Things like this make it all worth it. The pain, the fear. Much of it is gone and my life feels so clear and promising before me.

That does not mean I don't get a little craziness now and again.

Here is to a brand new year.

Be Spooky!

Happy Halloween!!!

Comfort Zone

Hello?

Is this thing on?

*TAP**TAP*

I do hope someone is out there listening. I know it has been a while since I posted anything.

Life has really gotten in the way.

The worst part there are stories to tell and things to say. Well, at least stories I want to tell and things I want to say.

Sadly I simply haven't had the time. My days are filled with things. So much so that at the end of the day all I really have time for is readying myself for work the following day(I get in early so I try to have breakfast, lunch and clothes prepared for the morning), then getting to bed. Not to mention the weekends....wait...I have free time on the weekends?!?!

Often I want to sit and write but I unable to keep my eyes open.

Crazy when you think about how much I used to post. Mostly because life was keeping me at home and not doing much. I really didn't want to go anywhere or do anything. I think the writing kept me from utterly losing my mind. Now it is the complete opposite. I am currently so busy running to and fro trying to complete all my daily tasks, that by the end of the day there is just no time left to sit down and write.

Which has made me a little sad since I know there are people out there hoping to find some inspiration and perhaps not feel so alone in all this, that they look for Blogs like this in the hope of learning something more about themselves.

I know because I looked for them myself when long before I started my transition. I bonded with those stories and identified with the trials and tribulations they endured. It meant a lot to me yet I was always sad when they stopped posting regularly. Usually because life got so busy that they just didn't have times.

Which is an amazingly good thing but those of use still reading wanted to know more.

I promised myself I would try to post with some frequency after full time. Maybe not daily or weekly but far more than I what I have.

But I did not.

I had become the type of blogger I promised myself I would not be.

*sadface*

The only thing I can do is try to get these stories out. It might not be fast as I like but I do want to post them.

What has kept me so busy?

Well you already know I am dating and loving it. Really the relationship just keeps getting better and better. I am extremely happy with it. I have no intention of taking any big steps right now, but I like the promise it holds.

Only time will tell.

Still he has kept me happily busy. Two road trip weekends with another coming in a few weeks. I have met a large number of his family. With more in the future I am sure. Not to mention I have cooked for many of them.

I have gotten a chance to go shopping with his mom. Girls day out during the summer. Had a blast and she bugs me often to spend more time with me.

Life has been so amazingly...normal. I often have to sit back and take it all in otherwise it seems completely surreal.

I mentioned road trips with the BF. Well one of them was a return to this event.

I was not sure how it would go but when I posted to the forum for the event explaining there was a personal issue that might exclude me and to send me a private message to explain it.

To a person all of them that responded were shocked but at the same time so fully supportive that many of them said that if there was an issue with ANYBODY they would make sure it got handled. They wanted me to come out, cook, have fun and enjoy myself without having to worry about anything.

How did it turn out?

One word amazing. I enjoyed the whole process, everyone was extremely welcoming and happy to see me. I had about half the attendees approach me to tell me how great I looked and how happy I seemed. That and everyone was happy to see me back cooking again. So much so I got a cheesy distinguished person award for the effort I put in so that they can enjoy the food. Plus it was a sign of appreciation of how much I was missed when I wasn't there.

Honestly as big a production it is, I love doing it and seeing everyone happy.

I also finally got to meet the owners of the site who were meeting me for the first time ever. They actually thought my BF was the technology geek, not me. I shocked them when I stated it was me and what I did for a living.

I could see it on their face: "But you are a girl!" Honestly I don't think they were ever told. I know I did not say anything. The coolest part. Those three are from Kansas city and they LOVED my ribs. Different from what they are used to but to quote the site owner. "The prestigious Cup, given to "the most worthy," was fittingly awarded to Kelli, our rib chef. Those ribs are magical, world-class BBQ. I'm going to have to steal the recipe."

:D

Oh and yes I will be returning next year again.

Great day and fun night we got to stay for the fireworks for a change!!! yay!!

Work!!!

Been amazing and wonderful. So many of my teammates are huge supporters. Life at work is pretty normal just crazy busy with projects. The few slips were all earlier this year and really nothing blatant or even to report since. All the women are amazing and a couple of them want to know where I shop since they love how well put together I am.

Our facilities manager (who sits at the front desk with security) often tells me how jealous she is and tells me often, "Girl do not worry I wish I had a body like yours. Seriously you look amazing."

It isn't all about looks, I know, there is so much more to the person than how one looks. Yet I know it does not hurt to have a few advantages in your favor.

B!

Sadly I haven't seen him too much since earlier this year he got switched to afternoons at work which has split us up a little. Not to mention he has had some extremely personal issues that have taken up some of his spare times as he has dealt with them.

Though we have gotten together a few times when the stars have aligned and we were able to be in the same place at the same time. :D He marvels more and more at how comfortable I have gotten with myself. Not to mention meeting his new friend L(cis girl) total hoot who promptly said to B after meeting me. "Holy Shit she is pretty!!! How did you met her again?!"

Yes, she did indeed state that to B as if I was not standing right there. I couldn't help but smile and laugh a little.

And no B has only ever told her I am his friend Kelli, nothing more.

Had a lot of fun with those to out that night and I hope to see them again.

Oh I might have failed to mention the fact that I am on a co-ed bowling league!

For reals!!

The BF got invited because a guy he bowls with during the week wanted to bowl with his girlfriend and my significant other was the only person he knew who bowled and had a girlfriend to boot!

I wanted to but since I had not bowled in years I needed to see if I could even still do it and feel comfortable doing so.

[Background here, I came from a bowling family. Mom, Dad, Brother, we all bowled. I started league bowling after school at age 9 and continued through 16. After that I was just too busy to do it weekly but often went a few times a month with my dad for a long time. Not to mention a short lived summer league after graduation but honestly who wanted to be in a bowling alley when it was 85 and sunny out in June? Not us.]

With that the two of us tried a weekend of practice just to mess around and have fun. The good news was I had no issue adjusting with all the changes. Other than I have to use a lighter ball now. No way I can hurl a sixteen pounder any more(7.25 Kg for you metric types). I also discovered finger tape bowlers use for an smoother release from the ball. Me I use it to protect my fingernails I have to carefully groomed and maintain.

I have been three times already and I am having sooo much fun with everyone especially the other girls I have bowled with. Mostly because we all end up picking on the boys. :D

Especially when we out bowl them.

Everything is just settling. I have had little to no issues with existing in the world. I find myself often reveling and enjoying being myself and the person I always wanted to be. My sense of style is growing and I love that I can actually enjoy that part. I have discovered so many new and fun things.

Was transition easy? No. Was it worth it? For me it was a resounding yes.

To quote the famous motto:

Merry Christmas

Viewer's Choice

I told a friend this little story that happened and she felt I should turn it into a post.

Now I am not sure it deserves a post but I'll try.

You might remember the GNO I recently had with C.

Well there was an interesting little tidbit I left out that happened at the end. Probably the reason I didn't include it as part of the night is it wasn't something that happen while it was just the two of us.

See upon B's arrival home he immediately wanted to head out for a drink.

We both looked at each other and said sure. So off the three of us went.

Now for the sake of time (it was nearly midnight) we stopped in the sports bar not far from B's apartment. Seriously it is a hop, a skip and a jump away. Totally within stumble home distance.

We hoped out of the car, started strolling in and C suddenly looks at me and asks if I am ok going in there, since this was a rather John Q Public straight bar.

I shrugged and said it did not matter to me. We would just find out if it mattered to anyone in there. I also commented that considering our adventures earlier in the evening it should be pretty obvious I am not concerned anymore.

She smiled and said 'ok!'.

She wasn't worried I would get read, I think she was just worried about the clientèle.

In we went.

We strolled up to the bar, Myself and C on either side of B (She cleverly calls him a thorn between two roses! Too cute!) and ordered our first round of drinks. I kept my light as I was going to need to drive home soon. (Smartly followed up by a soda after).

We started talking, I glanced around, didn't notice anything to out of the ordinary. When suddenly there is a dude taking the chair right next to me on the other side from B.

I think at this point we had been there a whole five minutes. If that.

Now when I say dude I really do mean dude. This guy was squat and big. I wouldn't have called him unpleasant to look at but I really didn't find him attractive at all. Certainly not my type.

However, dealing with guys is something I need practice with. I have learned a lot but I thought why not. Lets see what is going to happen.

Quite quickly I learned he was mildly drunk, talked a lot about himself, was a poor conversationalist, and was awful at complimenting a girl.

Ok, sooooo time to ditch him.

Just one problem...I couldn't.

I tried once, twice, three times to let him go.

The last comment I made was "I really don't want to be rude, but I would like to spend time with my friends as I don't get to really see them all that often.'

All the attempts failed.

Now I was stuck. I so needed a life line.

I started looking over at C and B trying to make pleading gestures for some assistance during all this. Finally after I said my last line, AGAIN, I was hitting B on the leg under the bar. He finally got my message and helped bail me out. All he really did was backup my last comment by stating that Mr. Creepy was intruding and that we all wanted to talk. Without his constant interruption.

I mean really I turned my back on him. I told him I wasn't interested, nothing worked.

C told me after he was gone we needed to work on signals when I was in trouble. C knows I have dealt with being hit on rather well in the past so she knew I could handle myself. Obviously though there are going to be moments I am going to need a little help while I learn how to deal with new situations.

The thing that irritated me the most though, was the fact that he almost immediately walked up and took the seat next to me. The bar wasn't particularly crowded the three of us had almost one end of it to ourselves. So the question is why did he pick me? I wasn't dressed up. Simply a tee shirt, jeans shorts and sandals. I knew C was in travel mode and it really was just a casual evening of two friends hanging out chatting. So obviously I was not trying to advertise anything.

The only thing I do wonder is perhaps I was read and for some reason I was easy pickings or at least that was the thought. As if I feel the need to validate myself with a man or something as such.

No I don't, and while I want to be sexually active, I am not interested in dating during these stages of transition.

Simply not going to happen.

B and C both said I was crazy for thinking I was read. They just don't see why anyone would think otherwise.

C did tell me that, while I am a sweet girl, I will occasionally need to get in touch with my inner bitch to ward off the foolish ones.

"Put them in his place a times."

Good advice.

Still I am left to wonder what exactly was driving Mr. Creepy. I'll never no for sure.

In the mean time. Guys, really, I give you credit for trying but when a girl says she wants to talk with her friends and turns away from you...she ISN'T interested.

Thanks for playing.

Because You Might Like To Know

Cause I know some of my readers like them. September 20th folks I already have my copy on pre-order.

Ivy - All Hours

Music To My Ears

Because I am always listening to new music and I love to share.

So deal ok!

Besides even thought this might have started out as a transition blog, and it still is, allowing yourself to talk about things that are or have always been a part of you, yet you were afraid too.

Not many of my friends growing up were big into talking about music or they totally listened to different things then I did.

Thus I love the fact I can bore you all to tears with it here.

It's my blog remember? Good, don't cha forget that. Kay. ;)

Lol! Maybe I should get to the point of this blog. There was a point, I think.

The Glitch Mob - Drink The Sea

I actually forget where I first heard The Glitch Mob. I think it was the soundtrack for a youtube video. It was the background song track for something. All I know was after watching it for a moment I was thinking to myself "Self, what is this music we are hearing?" Self was confused as much as I was, thus began the quest to track it down. When I found out it was the Mob I discovered they actually had an album. This record is brilliant. Crazy, unique, diverse yet still a fully electronic record. I don't think they will be for everyone but I love to sit and read to this one. I have a feeling when I finally get a chance to work on some art again it will be heavily in the rotation of that play list.

Dum Dum Girls - I Will Be

Dum Dum Girls - He Gets Me High

I am listing the EP and the full album. Strangely enough I heard the EP first even thought it was released after the album. Really I just select both and let my player go. Again a girl group who will sing about everything and obviously enjoy doing it. I also love the gritty style. There is another album do out later this year. Oh yeah you know I am getting it.

Pendulum - Immersion

What a fantastic trip this one is. It seems like it covers or samples a few genres while never really straying from it's electronic roots. A few of the later tracks have been remixed by some house DJs to varying success. Yet I still love the originals. The coolest part is while electronic they definitely do their own thing. Simply an amazing listen.

Android Lust - The Dividing

Do we have to be happy all the time? I don't know and while I am not a big Goth music person I have recently discovered Android Lust. A casual Nine Inch Nails fan in the past. This album seems to take it one, no two steps further. Emotional, dark, intelligent, dirty, gritty, and dare I say touch evil, all at once. Android Lust is the work of one woman on her own and doing it her way without any apologies. I defiantly plan on digging into more of her work.

Tegan and Sara - So Jealous

I simply cannot say enough about this album. I LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE it!!! Backwards, forwards, sideways, diagonal, upside down, tilted, under water, in the dark with a flashlight, outside, inside, downstairs, under the covers. I think you get the idea. I had heard a few of their songs on various stations now and again. Once I finally went looking for them I found this album. Simply perfect I have been listening to it since the beginning of the year. It has been in my car's CD player all summer(since April I think?). I haven't taken it out yet. I soooooo highly recommend it. Did I mention I love it? This album quite quickly has become one of my absolute favorites. So I suggest you don't walk but run, drive, high speed train whatever down to your local record store(do they still exist?), but get yourself an actual hard copy. It is simply that good.

I never know what people thing of these post but if it introduces you to some new music then it has done it's job and is too cool when you think about it.

Also don't worry I have several posts I need to get out. Life has been adventuresome to say the least and as I said I have been crazy busy to find the time to write.

TTFN!

Happy Fourth!

42

For those that don't know what today is. 

Sorry I have a thing for odd, zany, and ironic humor. 

Feeding My Addiction

If you have been following along and I do hope you have been, otherwise why am I writing this?

I tease. I write for my own reasons but it is nice to know some people are reading it.

But I digress.

If you have indeed been following along my little misadventures you will know I have an obsession with music.

Really I don't watch a lot of TV, I read books and listen to music.

Just thought I would share a few really new things that have been getting some serious play lately.

The XX - XX

I find the arrangements haunting and different. Shelter just makes me want to melt. Love.

Liquid Stranger - Mechanoid Meltdown

Cause I heard the song Bully and had to go find the rest of the album. So different, so dirty, so punchy, so grimy and so cool.

Florence + The Machine - Lungs

Because I simply love Florence's vocals. She isn't afraid to sing about what she wants too and has the voice to pull it off. Pair that with some wonderful song writing and I am in heaven.

The Ravonettes - Chain Gang of Love

Love the retro sound, fun modern themes, just a darn good listen. (Side note the other albums I have sampled so far are just as good.)

DJ Icey - Essential Elements

I forget how I found him recently, but I discovered his satellite radio broadcasts Automatic Static. I download the podcasts as I can find them and catch the show when I can. His set at Ultra Music Festival 2011 is so deliciously good. I since have discovered his personal CD's and this is now in my collection and one of my favorites to groove to at work.

Metric - Fantasies

Somewhere, sometime, something streamed the song Gold Gun Girls into my ears recently. Instantly I was hooked and sought out the rest of the disk to see if there were more songs to like. Better still was a fantastic album from top to bottom and it has been getting lot of play lately.

Beastie Boys - Hot Sauce Committee Part Two

Since I first heard them in 1987 I have been hooked. I love their brand of creative quirkyness. Their no holds bar approach to creating music that they want to and not caring if everyone likes it. I couldn't wait for this one when I heard it was coming and it was so worth the wait. I love that they sound new and old at the same time here.

I cannot add them to the list as they don't have full albums(or I haven't found them) to listen too. Along with what I mentioned above I have also been listening to Avicii (I recommend Swede Dreams and Penguin). Skrillex, crazy, crazy dubsteb mixes. He does a wicked remix of Lady Gaga's Bad Romance and his own Scary Monsters and Nice Sprites  is wonderfully different.  Syndey Blu's - Give It Up For Me, Pink Flamingo's - Contact High, and the Ting Tings - Two Hands(Low Sunday Indie Mix)(This one is a pre-release as the album isn't out yet). I also recommend DJ Liquid Todd. His Boombox Radio set lists have introduced to me some interesting music and I love his diverse mix.

As you can see the my tastes are wide and varied. I'll listen to anything once. The question is do I like enough to listen again.

I just never know, but I love suggestions!

Cause It is True

Heavy Rotation

I listen to a lot of music.

I also listen to a lot of variety in my music. 

Many a people have come to realize not only can I not be defined by what I listen too, I am not influenced by the music. 

I have listen and still listen to things that completely surprise people because I don't live the lifestyle that goes along with said genre of music.

I never have either. To me music is just a form of entertainment and I will almost always listen to something once. 

If I like it I will continue to listen to it. 

Music to me never gets old. Even if it may not be the in thing or it supposedly has pasted it's time, if I still like it I will still listen to it. 

Now while I have been all over the Internet looking for new things to listen to and I can list a bunch of singles, artist and albums that I have played and still play quite a lot. You must consider I have nearly 300 CDs and almost eight thousand songs. Yet lately I find myself coming back to a few albums right now. I do mean the whole album top to bottom. Something about them just seems complete and reaches out to me in different ways.

Maybe it is my mood or something I don't really know but I seem to select one or two of these up at least once a week.

Sleigh Bells - Treats

I caught the single Rill, Rill a few months ago on satellite radio, pulled up the CD online and instantly fell in love with the strangeness and crazy raw sound it had.  I would call it messy noisy ear candy. I now have a copy for myself.

Nirvana - Nevermind

I was never a huge alternative or grunge fan, in fact Nirvana wasn't a favorite band of mine from the era. However I was in my last year of HS when this album was released and witnessed the impact that it and the group had. Never had I seen anything like it and imagine I may not ever again. A virtually unknown band setting the world of music on it's head. Forever changing the musical landscape.

While I pick and choose from the genre I simply love this album and still do. A song popped up while shuffling through my collection not to long ago prompting me to sit down and listen to it again. It still moves me like it did and I didn't realize how much I had missed listening to it. Maybe it is a little nostalgia or maybe it really just is as good as I remember it. Some times I think it is the overall vibe of screw the establishment we are going to do it our way. Who knows, but I have been gravitating toward it now and again.

Yeah, Yeah, Yeahs - Show Your Bones

I don't know why but Karen O's vocals seem to carry me somewhere else. It is almost like they are fun, cheeky, emotional and deep at the same time.

Metallica - Death Magnetic

This is like satisfying my sweet tooth only it is my angry tooth. Plus they have always seemed to do angry and crunchy with such style and well written songs. While not my favorite album of theirs it just seems to match that angst perfectly right now.

The Dollyrots - A Little Messed Up

Cause they are fun and just seem to get better with each release. Plus Kelly just seems to say I am a girl but I can sing about anything. Plus they just have a cool Cali vibe I like.

Deadmau5 - 4x4=12

I listen to a lot of electronic, in fact I have albums that pre-date the likes of Daft Funk and The Chemical Brothers dating back to 1990. For some reason Deadmau5(pronounced 'dead mouse') just does things that can amaze me today, I haven't heard a disk that is bad or doesn't do something new and interesting yet. This new one is fantastic and I have been playing it a lot since I got in December. 

Ecanescence - Fallen

Because Amy Lee just blows me away and the power in her voice is amazing. It is kind of like my female angst disc to listen too.

The Prodigy - The Dirtchamber Sessions Volume One

I love DJ mixes, mashups and similar. The man behind The Prodigy does an amazing performance here, wandering genres, eras, and just seems to be having so much fun doing it. It wanders all over the map for an hour but never seems to lose it's way.

Ivy - Apartment Life

Lastly we come to one of my favorite artist. Everyone talks about Tori Amos and Little Earthquakes(which is an excellent album) but I challenge Tori fans to listen to Ivy. Every disc is very good and they are quite often put on shuffle when I am in the tub soaking. Yet Apartment Life just resonates in my bones right now. Every song just speaks to something in me and to so many different feelings depending on the song. 

Again there are so many good CDs out there some that are just always a favorite listen of mine but right now these have floated to the top for whatever reason. Also these are all CDs I actually own. I still prefer a physical medium to listen on when I can. Mp3 are nice and portable, but I still enjoy listening to a full CD on a decent system. I guess there is something about filling a room with sound that just feels nice.

Merry, Merry

Even in light of my last post things have not been all bad.

The holidays for the most part while uncomfortable passed without much incident. 

I even got to spend Christmas night with B who invited me to an amazing party that night that was invite only. 

He asked me to come with him as he wanted to take someone who would appreciate the surroundings. 

It indeed was a beautifully setting and the food was amazing. 

I even indulged in a slice of cheesecake. 

I know right?!?

He is such an important friend right now I don't know where I would be without him. 

Sadly I did not get to see him for New Years Eve but I did wish him a happy one. 

I know I owe him a phone call too.

As for what I got for Christmas? 

Kind of interesting. 

I finally got one of these:

It feels like a tank and at five and a half quarts roomy enough to make some bigger dishes in without being huge. I have already made a Beer-Braised Chuck Roast that was very yummy and tender. Along with a pork shoulder that was even better.

I love the fact that I can sear in it then add tasty noms to gather flavor put everything back in then cook slowly in the oven. All in the same pot. Food is so yummy that way.

I am dying to make Chicken Cacciatore or White Wine Coq Au Vin recipes that I have. 

I also got one of these:

I have been wanting a good mortar and pestle for quite some time and this one is awesome. Perfect size at two and a half cups and very reasonable too but my goodness could you hurt someone with it. Solid granite is just that SOLID. The Pestle itself could be considered a deadly weapon.

A Sandra Lee cook book (the more I watch her the more I like her).

I also got the perfect jewelry box from a very special friend I have already half filled it. I couldn't find the exact one but it looks like this only a wonderful cherry wood grain.

Lastly I got the cutest little butterfly necklace that I simply love. I have been looking for something light and simple like this. It is very summery too, I know I will be wearing it a lot once the weather is warmer.

That was about it. The Dutch oven was rather pricey and it was a group gift to me as they know my love of cooking. 

So while my life was full of major stressors at least the holidays were somewhat quiet and I got a few things I wanted.

I hope all yours were as well.

Happy New Year!

Happy New Year!

Merry Christmas

Winter Dreams

Just wishing everyone the best for the holidays and may all your Christmas wishes come true!

Christmas Music by Kelli

Finally.

I had to fuss with the widget a bit as Grooveshark made some recent changes to their site which caused a few headaches.

Fear not, as today I present you with something different.

My list of favorite Christmas songs.

Yes they are in fact a little different. I happen to like alternative takes on old classics.

Winter WonderLand - Liz Phair (Brilliant cover!)
God Rest Ye Merry Gentleman - Barenaked Ladies w/ Sarah McLaughlin (Just really fun.)
Sleigh Ride - KT Tunstall (Who doesn't like KT? She is so underrated.)
Let it Snow - Luscious Jackson (This is how this song should be done!)
Dance of the Sugar Plus Fairies[Red Baron Remix] (Love this.)
12 Days of Christmas - Straight No Chaser (SEE THEM LIVE!!! So talented and how they do this is beyond me! Listen ever so carefully.)
Christmas Time is Here - Ivy (I simply cannot get enough of this song! Purely amazing!)

Uniquely new songs.

Mistletoe - Colbie Caillat  (Heard this for the first time last year. Loooove!)
Wizards in Winter - Trans Siberian Orchestra (I've seen them in concert amazing show!)
Christmas All Over Again - Tom Petty & The Heartbreakers (What can I say? Tom Petty can sing just about anything and make it cool.)
Father Christmas - Save Ferris (Always been a fan and though it is very different I just like it. Call me a wee bit rebellious!!)
All My Bells Are Ringing - Lenka (New this year, so cute!!)
Christmas Wrappings - The Waitresses (The Radio sooooo does not play this enough!)
Maybe Next Year - Meiko (Can you make Christmas sound any more naughty?!)

Along with others that just remind me of the lost wonder of youth.

Snoopy's Christmas is one of my absolute favorite songs harking back to my childhood. Christmas in not complete for me until I hear it on the radio.

However it recently was replaced as my favorite Christmas song by Trans Siberian Orchestra's Christmas Canon. They did this version with a children's choir I have never been able to find the name of. As opposed to the rock version they do. This version is just so beautiful I can listen to it any time of the year.

So with that I give you the playlist, Please Enjoy and Merry Christmas!!!

P.S. It'll be in the side bar too.