Sweeping the Ashes

 “Things change. And friends leave. Life doesn't stop for anybody.”

“I wanted a perfect ending. Now I've learned, the hard way, that some poems don't rhyme, and some stories don't have a clear beginning, middle, and end. Life is about not knowing, having to change, taking the moment and making the best of it, without knowing what's going to happen next." - Gilda Radner

“I'm selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best.” - Marilyn Monroe

“Love never dies a natural death. It dies because we don't know how to replenish its source. It dies of blindness and errors and betrayals. It dies of illness and wounds; it dies of weariness, of witherings, of tarnishings.” - Anaïs Nin

Rather interesting quotes.

In light of current developments they are quite apropos.

I have had some good experiences lately.

Some of them have been great, even amazing. Life can do that when you are actually able to live it.

However I feel it is important to point out that it is a double edged sword. While life can be amazing and spectacular. It can also be trying and miserable.

Life is going to always throw shit at you, how you handle it defines your character.

I should probably get to the point of this post. Simply put, there are going to be times where you can do nothing about something other than be sad.

No, no one has died.

I simply find myself a single girl these days.

For those that have missed it I have been dating for a little over a year and a half. Twenty Months?

Recently I decided to end it.

Why?

It was not working for me.

What makes it most interesting was not how I was generally being treated. The boy had come into my life and charmed me silly. During a period of time in my life that I absolutely did not want to date.

Full time was rather new to me and he appreciated my company so much that he refused to allow me to use my Trans status as a crutch to limit myself. I grew so much as a person and very likely accelerated getting over my Trans hangups.

There were two problems though.

First,

I have commitment issues. I will not deny this and I still have a long way to go to resolving them. My prior relationship had turned toxic, then bottomed out at the end. It left me rather deeply emotionally scarred. I know why some of it happened. I will take the blame for things I did. It just never was a healthy relationship and I often felt like as soon as I entered it I was told what to do and when.

Regardless that is a story I will not delve into out of respect for those involved.

Suffice it to say, I was still left with the aftermath.

Couple that with the emotional trauma of transition and I will freely admit I was not always in the best place mentally.

Which had me in a no dating position when I met him.

He managed to get me to change my mind about that.

Still a year later when he wanted to move in together. I ended up having a complete panic attack{link?}.

It was not him it was me. I was and still am too scared to do it.

I need more time to deal with that.

There was also the issue that I knew what he wanted. I knew not that long into it. He had felt he had met the girl he wanted to spend the rest of his life with. Without a shadow of a doubt. It was so obvious that not only did I know it, others did.

Many of my friend who had met him would go on to tell me later something similar to the follow:

"It is obvious that boy adores you."

This added to the growing pressure I felt in the situation.

There were a few moments that I put my foot down. I had to point out that even though I had grown as a person. I still had old wounds and emotional scars that were not going to be easily healed. I begged for a slow down in some things. Asked him not to mention others. It was an attempt to allow me to adjust while giving me time to deal with my fears.

Still the pressure was always there. His family often already assumed we were engaged and what not.

It had grown to be too much no matter how hard I tried to prevent it.

In addition to all this we lost the ability to communicate effectively. I think some of my fears and outside pressure had me getting defensive again. I often felt I had to be crisp to shut down or cut off certain ideas before they gained traction. It also did not help that he is still very young. He has a wisdom beyond his years but his maturity did not always match up.

All of this lead to more and more arguments or feeling of bitterness from both sides.

It finally reached a break point and I discussed things with him, found I was getting nowhere. Frustrated and hurt I decided I needed to walk away so that I could catch my breath.

Thus I ended it.

I do not think that it would be that hard to figure out that it did not go well.

One would think that with Thirty-nine years of life and wisdom of the past to draw upon, that a situation like this could be handled better.

It was not.

I know I broke his heart. I am not proud of myself for it. I will have to live with the guilt and pain of it for quite sometime.

I also knew that I needed some time, pressure free, to be myself. To relax and enjoy life. I have learned and gained so much, with a lot of help from him. Yet I just need to spend some time living life free of anything but death and taxes as they say.

I do miss him. I cannot say that I do not. It still has been such a relief for me that I know it was the right decision.

I often said he might have been the right person, just at the wrong time.

The reason I am telling you this story is for a number of reasons.

First life can be difficult. Trans or not. As much as I have been happy post transition there is still fallout, hurt and shitty things life throws at you to deal with. It is not all rainbows and puppies.

Sometimes things simply suck and you have to deal with them. It is not always total bliss.

I also know that I have issues still inside to work out. Most of these are the type that take time. I have talked to my therapist about them we have discussed them, but these are deep and will take a lot of work.

I would never go back to who I was, but I am still adjusting to who I am now. It has been wondrous and interesting.

And sometimes it is a bitch.

And Yet Another First

What is it this time you ask?

Could be a lot of things.

How about my first interview post full time!

Yep it happened.

Now I do apologize, this happened much earlier in the year.

March in fact.

As I started to prep this post I discovered that my old company had somehow made the connection that this blog was written by me.

Which did not bother me too much. I certainly became more careful about making sure I did all my site editing from home.

I just was not sure how much they were going to be reviewing it.

Which made me stop with several posts I had been planning and it really impacted my blogging. As a lot of my topics were work related and knowing the above I did not want to risk anything.

I also certainly did not want them to know I was looking for a different job.

Which brings me to now.

As I already announced I already found that job.

Which means the moratorium on job related posts can be lifted.

{Don't worry I will be extra careful about posting from the new place. Not that I have had any issues there yet.}

Now let us get back to the original story.

When I decided to actively start looking for something new or different I did not know what was out there or what I would find.

Really all I did was update my resume and try to see what would happen.

Honestly I was shocked in the first 48 hours I received six calls or emails.

Now some of those were fluff and I was not interested in the job at all but at least I was getting a response.

I also directly applied to a few companies is regions that were really interesting to me.

Interestingly enough not many responded back. I wonder at times if it was simply the fact that there was a girls name at the top of the resume.

I doubt I will ever know but it is an interesting thought. I do work in IT and it is largely a male dominated industry.

Still I was getting enough activity that it was not concerning me too much.

Fairly early on I was mostly exchanging emails and a few phone calls. It was when an IT staffing company called me and wanted to bring me in for a face to face interview, that I took pause.

For two reasons.

First, I had not yet interviewed with any one face to face. This could be daunting and was intimidating. How would I do. Would they accept me for who I am. Would I get read. Would my nerves get the better of me.

Two, I was not too impressed with what they had to offer. There was not really anything catching my eye.

Regardless after a little thought I said what the heck. Why not go. At least I will find out a lot about how I come across. Plus even if it was awful because of nerves. I would at least have gotten that first one out of the way. With the hopes that when a job that I really wanted came along I would not have to suffer those nerves as much.

The first reason did not matter too much since I could always turn down something I would not be interested in.

With that I schedule a meeting with their recruiting supervisor for a time after work one day shortly thereafter. Which would put the meeting around late March.

I told her I was coming from work but I still dressed in a nice sheath dress and jacket. Nothing I had not worn to my old job before but not a pure business suit either. She had no problem with it at all.

I will not kid you. I was nervous and scared.

Especially when I hit that lobby.

I was shaking.

My thoughts totally on the fact that I was going to come across awfully and fake.

Yes, I have my issues at times with being trans.

Still.

It is just the nature of it all.

Pair that with the fact that this was something really important. Even if I did not actually need a job right now the time might come where I was forced to look for one.

This was a big deal.

A really BIG deal.

All of that just really made me freak out.

Regardless I did my best to relax and waited.

The recruiting supervisor came back finally, introductions were made and she led me back to a conference room.

There she started to give me some background about the company and what type of positions they typically fill.

From there she started to ask me questions about my work history and myself.

Once I got started my nerves rapidly started to fade. Everything I had to talk about was about me. My skills and a bit of who I am.

Nothing was false. It was all me. Just with a pronoun change. That was easy to do since I no longer even think of myself as anyone but who I am today.

The conversation got easy and the whole thing went great. We even had a discussion at the end about dealing with life now as divorced women.

Seriously!

After about forty minutes of talking about my work history, what type of opportunities I was looking for, we just fell into general chit-chat about life.

By the time I said my good-byes and was walking out the door, I felt a million times better. I could do this. It was all the same stuff I have talked about before. It was all me with the fact that I was just being me.

It also did not hurt that she complimented my on my attire.

Total added bonus.

It was not just that either. Near the end of the meeting she complimented me on my skill set. How articulate I was. My experience. She finished with:

"And you dress really well too."

"Really?"

"Oh yes. You look great and I love the dress, but you would not believe how some people show up. It gets bad."

"Well thank you."

Even though nothing came of the meeting and the connection with that particular company(I got the feeling they were looking more for software developers). The experience I got from getting that first interview out of the way was worth it's weight in gold.

I used that boost to my self esteem to go on to interview at other places while I got offers from some and not from others. I eventually found the position I am now at.

But those stories are for another post.

The Big News!

The news that you have all been waiting for is this.

I have gotten a new job!

After a few months of looking I found a job at a company that surprised me with their level of IT investment. Yet they are hugely successful in the online ordering space. With quite the complex and dynamic infrastructure.

Not only is the company and the people awesome(I have been here a week now and I love it), it is in an area that I have always wanted to live in. It will be keeping my in Michigan for the foreseeable future.

Yet I am moving away from the Detroit Area.

Well still within a reasonable driving distance, but far enough away that it is possible not to have to visit it at all if I did not want to.

The picture at the end of this post is a clue as to what area I will now be living and working.

Now I am sure you are wondering.

Why did I leave my old company?

Well it is for a number of reasons that I will cover over a few posts.

It will take a few as they were the reason I had to withhold a few posts I wanted to write for all of you.

Seems they someone how put together my few visits to my blog with it being mine. Oh well. I did most of my writing at home with only my editing during lunch. I also saved everything as files and put the final post on the site with a schedule time for it to appear. Often because I had enough material to write more than one thus I often finished them close together.

Well at least I did in the past.

Shush!

I know I have been lax lately in posting. Life has been busy as I have just noted. Job searching is not easy these days.

Bottom line, I felt as if I lost my voice within the team(not completely but in the eyes of a few and that is all that mattered).

I also felt there was a climate change within the department that just was conducive for me to look for something elsewhere with the hopes it would be better.

Along with I really felt I had hit a roadblock with the any opportunity to further my career.

There is a lot to cover regarding all of this and I am busy preparing to move into my new digs.

So I will go over all of this in a few posts. From dealing with recruiters and to my first ever interview as me.

It also was not the first offer I got. I actually turned down two before I took this one.

As always who I work for will remain nameless. Just as the old company will remain so.

Even if they did not feel that way.

It is an exciting time here for me.

This One Time At Camp

I have experienced so many things over the course of the last five and a half years.

From thoughts, to emotions, physical changes, highs and lows.

So much so that, while surprised at times, I just did not think I could feel anything that would overwhelm me anymore.

At least not like things did when I was figuring all this out and struggling with all of it.

I have largely been furiously happy, enjoying life and even the down moments are no where near as bad.

As they say transition can be like a rollercoaster, full of ups and downs.

Yet just like a rollercoaster I thought all the big stuff was mostly done with(GRS being the only large thing left) just the smaller bumps and twists as I settle into life.

I could not have been more wrong.

Since I learned first hand there will still be moments that will be extremely profound.

Several of these happened during the first week of July.

Through a few channels, I discovered last year, the existence of a camp for transgender youth. The idea of it intrigued me greatly. I reached out to the camp organizers last year and was notified they would contact me the following spring once they had their schedule set.

I had actually forgotten about it until I got an email in mid to late April. They needed more counselors and wanted to know if I would be interested in interviewing.

I jumped at the chance and said yes!

And wow did I ever have to interview.

I had several email exchanges, one phone interview and one skype webcam one. I had to provide three references, professional included, along with a health form filled out by my general practitioner.

After all that, I got the green light to go!! Which surprised me a little since I had never been to a sleep over camp personally(only day camps). Never been a counselor at one either. All I really had was two winters as an assistant girls basket ball coach(eight and nine year olds). Other than that it was babysitting my nephews when they were smaller.

All I could hope to do was learn and bring as much energy and passion as I could. Then just hope for the best.

Thus I had to scramble around and find a decent airfare to travel to parts unknown.

Well not entirely unknown, but the location of the camp is never published for obvious reasons. I was just given an airport in California to fly into.

(I am not worried about revealing the California locale since it is such a big state. I could have been anywhere.)

I was able to find something reasonable and proceeded to get all the rest of my info and packing done.

Not to mention I had a crazy two weeks prior to leaving at work since we had a host of servers to exchange out on a lease refresh and they had to be shipped out by the 28th of June.

Still I was able to get ready to go and off to the West Coast I went.

The counselors had to arrive a day early to met and learn about how the camp would operate. Things we were and were not allowed to discuss with the kids.

We did this through early Sunday afternoon when we got a break before the kids arrived later that day.

There are so many moments that I witnessed over the course of the week. Yet seeing these kids come in with their parents, particularly my cabin, was truly something.

I was assigned to ten, eight and nine year old trans girls. I will call them girls because honestly they were. Every single one of them.

It was really amazing to see them just being themselves. More on this later.

What really touched me deeply was watching the support of the parents who were bringing them in. There might have been some trepidation and uncertainty but I truly got a sense that most of these parents were really trying to understand it and be supportive.

Others were just totally on board and just wanted to be the best parent possible.

Case in point was the little girl who was one of the last to come into my cabin(before anyone panics there were three counselors staying in my cabin. This includes myself, we were also fortunate to be sharing our cabin with one of the two nurse volunteers on staff that week) with a low fever.

Now if the fever persisted it was not going to be possible for her to stay. Still her mom had medicated her before they left and I was asked by one of our A-Team counselors(hey it is what they called themselves) to take her to the infirmary and keep an eye on her until dinner. Which included a few more temperature checks.

It was during this that I got to spend a lot of time with her and talk her Mother, Father and little brother. (He was a total cutie and a complete character.)

Her mom just talked with me for quite a bit and kept checking in on her before and after her parent meeting. She was just so focused on making sure she was ok. As she really wanted her daughter to stay and not have to go home.

It was just so cool to see her treating her daughter as a normal child.

However since I did not know how we were going to pass the time just yet. I grabbed a deck of cards and headed to the infirmary with my charge in tow.

First checkup her temp was normal. Without knowing what to do and not being able to let her run around. I asked her and she suggested we head down to the Art & Crafts area.

It was there she taught me to make vinyl lanyards. (I totally need to brush up my friendship bracelet skills for next year. My cousins taught me when I was thirteen. I think the last time I made one was around fifteen).

On the way down however we ran into her Dad who wanted to check in on her.

While talking he noticed the logo on my deck of playing cards.

They had the University of Michigan logo on them. Plus they were bright blue and yellow.

"Really? Michigan cards?" As he wrinkled his nose a bit at them.

"Well yeah, I live there. Let me guess you are an Ohio State fan?"

"No actually Notre Dame(not a fan of them either but at least it was not Ohio St). You live in Michigan now?"

"Yes. I have lived there my whole life."

"And you came all the way out here for this camp?"

"Yes I did."

"Why this camp?"

"Well I think it is a great idea and a worthy cause. Also it is a bit close to my heart being Trans myself."

I got a stunned second expression from him. I could tell that in that moment he had not placed me as trans. Simply one of the female counselors in his daughters cabin.

Nothing changed between us at that point. We still chatted about our college teams and discussed her daughter. I think this was a case with a number of parents, who seemed a little shocked when I told them something similar. Mostly because they would ask me if I was from the local area or state. To which I would reply no, I am from Detroit or Michigan.

{Really if my readers have not been able to figure that out where I live by know, I don't know what to tell you. For reals, I have posted pictures from two Red Wings games. Mentioned that it was the home team and the arena and city were printed on the ice in one of them. Sherlock Holmes would have a few choice words with you about your powers of observation.}

They would be surprised that I had come so far for the camp. I would tell them something like the story above. That the camp is a great idea, I feel these kids deserve a chance, and that because I was trans myself I thought it was really important to me.

I would get a quick second glance. It was again obvious to me that they had no idea until that moment that I was trans.

Nothing ever changed between us, but I think some parents were often wondering what kind of life their kid would have. Meeting someone like me who had her act together. Really just hit home that it was possible for their child to have a normal life. If they so desired. I think that because of a number of counselors are trans a lot of parent could walk away and think, just maybe that this is not so bad.

It adds a level of difficulty but it is not nor should it be as terrible as it is sometimes made out to be.

Now my patient and I bonded during that time. I know I am not supposed to have favorites and I did have so many amazing girls in my cabin. I laughed and cringed with them all. Other then one child who caused a stir doing something that they had never encountered before at camp. Without revealing details or the whole story I will just say she decided she did not want to be there and took matters into her own hands. I know what happened because it was on my watch.

Another had just way to much energy and no filter on her mouth. She would blurt out anything and everything. We constantly had to rein her in.

There was the Red Ant invasion Monday night that caused a lot of sleepless night for us the rest of the week.

Even with those crazy events I had a blast. I greatly enjoyed my time there. My Patient and I did a lot together all week as I was her activity director a number of times for her. We even did our swim test together. (you just have to prove you know how to swim to get an arm band and be allowed in the deep end). I laughed because she thought adults just knew how to swim. I told her not all do, we have to be taught also, but that I had known how to swim since I was little. Yet I still needed to do the test.

Which brings up an interesting side story. I had never been in a bathing suit or swimming since about 2008 maybe 2009 but I cannot recall. I had been having an awful time finding something I liked and felt comfortable in. As much as people tell me I have a bikini body(I do not), I am not remotely comfortable in one. I did manage to find a one piece that worked and I felt ok in.

This was something I was not sure I even going to be able to do. It came up Monday afternoon when I had to track down a counselor who I was helping put together the talent show on Friday. I located her in the pool and she suggested I go get my bathing suit and join in. I mentioned the above story to her and she challenged me again about it. I told her that I would build up to it, as I dangled my feet in the water, and that I was soaking in all the positive vibes watching the kids and other counselors.

She told me that if I needed encouragement later in the week to let her know.

Which I did and she did.

Day of, her and another counselor came down with me during their rest period and totally supported me. While I sat there, have a last minute twinge of doubt, She looked at me and asked what I needed.

"Rebecca, I need you to tell me to get over my shit, get into the pool, do my swim test so that I can enjoy swimming the rest of the week."

With a twinkle in her eye she wonderfully replied with  "Kelli. Get over your shit, get into the pool, do your swim test so that you can have fun the rest of the week."

I laughed but appreciated the humor. As we already know I did get in and enjoy the pool a few times that week. It did not hurt that Patient X walked in right before I got in asking me how I did my swim test. Which I then prompted we do it together.

There are so many things I can tell you about that I have taken away from this experience but I will cover a few that stand out in my mind beyond what I already talked about.

First was the profound thought as I stood and watched these kids being kids. Really that was it to, I watched sixty boys and girls being boys and girls. COMPLETELY forgetting the fact that these kids are trans. It would just click in my head and I would be simply in awe of what I was witnessing. It just so seemed like normal sleep over camp. Yet all these kids were just like me.

Not to mention how supportive these kids were of each other. Yes there were a few personality clashes, some he said/she said/they said drama. Which is typical in any group of kids.

One truly touching thing was the camp pairs up older kids with first time attendees. It was heartfelt and a total tear jerker to watch all these older kids get into it and completely support the younger ones. Not only that but often I would see the older ones stopping to talk to some of my campers all week long. To see a community of kids support each other like that was freaking amazing. The rest of the world could learn a thing or two about supporting each other.

Or the fact that during the talent show one of my campers was signed up to sing a song solo, but during her performance she got stage fright. Thankfully one of the other counselors suggest to the other girls in my cabin to go up and help her(I was on the other side of the lodge helping run the show so there was not a whole lot I could do). Yet not only did five of my other girls go up the whole audience also stood up and sang with her. I think three of us were sniffling in the back it was so sweet and cool to see.

There were also the two older teen girls that I had to help escort back through the airport on the day camp was over. Several kids were placed with counselors who were also flying out that day, as the kids were flying as unaccompanied minors. We got assigned to them to make sure they did not get stuck for any reason and made it safely through to boarding.

Both girls were from the greater NY area and just really had their stuff together since they were 15 and 14 in ages.

We even had a laugh when they both had me holding their stuff animal pillows in the security line as they tried to dig out their IDs. The oldest told me when I asked why she was laughing.

"You are a grown woman standing with two big stuffed animal pillows in the TSA line!"

I laughed back and answered "I can think of worse things to be holding so I will manage with the pillows."

They both gave me a big hug and asked if they would see me at the second camp on the east coast. To which I sadly had to reply no. As I did not have the ability to do both camps. Still I told the oldest I expected to see her back as a counselor since she expressed the desire to be one some day.

The other really cool thing that I took away from the camp was the other counselors. There were thirty of us with about twenty being trans themselves. Not only that but they were trans people of extreme quality. This groups largely had their act together. Most being in their mid twenties, several in undergrad, graduate school, just finished and even one starting Medical School this fall to become a doctor.

For once I felt as if I was surrounded by my peers. There was not a person there I would not want to hang out with outside of the camp setting. In fact I got contact info for quite a few of them and have kept in touch so far through various means. I had so many interesting conversations with them. They also seemed quite surprised when discussing things that I did not seem aware of or was lacking experience.

I told them that back home a community with people of such high caliber was virtually non existent or really hard to find(my hometown area is so scattered and it does not help that our downtown is in such poor shape that there is nothing to pull us in together). So much so that my life was very hetro-normal and that was the world I existed in. That meeting them was just as big a deal to me as meeting the kids.

Truly it was an amazing experience. Even with the red ant invasion, crazy adolescent drama, the one or two problematic kids, it is something I would do again without hesitation. I have already expressed my desire to return numerous times and I think I will be extended an invite in the future. Schedule allowing I would always love to do one of these each year.

Even so it is an experience I will always cherish and never forget.

Is it time for camp yet?

The One I Will Not Tell My Kids

Recently there was another event with the Irish drinking band that one of my older groups of friends follows around. This would include Rogue, Professor and Scholar.

This is the same band and venue were I had to explain to Rogue who I was.

This one was special since it marked the two year wedding anniversary of Rogue and his wife Pixie(she is anything but, though tiny it was the dress that she wore this night that I am using to create her nickname).

The hilarious part of this is the band that we were there to see played at their wedding too.

Even though they do not play weddings.

Ever.

Rogue side stepped them and rented out the entire restaurant for the event, helps know the owner, on a night the band was going to be there.

There was nothing they could do but play their wedding.

In fairness they only asked the band to play their normal set and had a friend who was a part time wedding DJ handle some in between music and some of the wedding things that had to be announced and what not.

Most everyone there wanted to see this band anyway and since the band does not start until nine it allowed for the wedding stuff to largely be taken care off beforehand and left the party goers to fully enjoy the band. Which was all they really wanted.

But that was two years ago and I was sadly not there.

Thus being invited to see them again, this was now my third trip and flying solo that weekend, of course I went.

How did it turn out?

Well I like to sum it up like this.

Pixie, myself and several other ladies ended up doing five shots together before the night was out. I got groped twice at the bar, by the same drunk guy. Got stared at by five women all at the same time all thinking the same thing. "What are you crazy?!" Got hit on by Pixie's widowed Father(who is old enough to by my dad). Left with the lead singers number from the band and did not sleep in my own bed that night.

LOL! Just another quiet night in the life of your hostess.

Also I would like to point out right now that there was NOT a walk of shame the next morning.

Get your minds out of the gutter!!!

Makes you think though doesn't it?  :D

Now I will give you the rest of the story.

Now the five shots should be self explanatory. Granted I don't usually drink much anymore, mostly due to risk of migraines, I still can handle my liquor fairly wll and we were pacing ourselves fairly decently. Plus the bartender was making up what she thought was a kamikaze but we did not care. Whatever they were was mighty tasty.

Pixie had come up to me and asked me if I wanted to do a shot with her. As it was her anniversary and one shot was not really going to bug me. I thought why not.

Famous last words.

While at the bar two rather drunk men decided to try and flirt with us. Needless to say we were not very impressed. After they challenged us to do a more "manly" shot. Our retort was we would do whatever shot they wanted, as long as they were buying.

That ended that conversation rather quickly. Though there were a few sparse comments that we choose to ignore.

We got started and were joined by Mother Hen(I am using that as a misnomer since she was the one largely responsible for the shot count going up) for another shot.

Also joining us was the Keyboardist in the band. He was actually getting a drink but since we had one end of the bar and he new more than a few people in the group he joined us briefly.

As our second shot came we did a little toast and had our drink.

It was about this time that Drunk guy #1 decided to return to the picture and walked past our merry little group and chat up the Keyboardist also.

This put him rather close to me.

We were waiting for two others to join us in what would be a third shot at that time. When Drunk Guy #1 turned away from the bar and pretended to stumble into me. Placing a hand on my butt.

I caught it as it happened and sidestepped it a little but he still made contact.

I kept moving and he wandered away.

Pixie looked at me since she witnessed the whole thing and asked me if I know I just got groped. I confirmed that I did but was just going to ignore it unless it happened again.

We moved back to our chairs briefly when a couple of other girls decided to join us and back to the bar we went for another round.

It was during this conversation that Pixie mentioned to Mother Hen and Smurfette(she had a super cute blue dress so that is what I am going with) about the story of me getting groped during our first trip to the bar.

Smurfette asked "Does this happen a lot?"

I replied "Guys try stuff all the time for some reason."

Pixie interjected "Well you are really pretty Kelli, I mean they are going to be attracted to you."

"Well I know I attract attention but I really don't think I am that pretty."

Now when I said this we had the Bartender(female), the Waitress(she knows the group really well), Mother Hen, Pixie, and Smurfette. I delivered that statement and I swear to you all five of them simultaneously turned to look at me as if I was out of my freaking mind.

They were truly dumbfounded that I had just said that.

"Kelli you are easily the prettiest girl in here." Pixie stated.

"Girl you cannot believe that, you really are." said The Bartender.

Smurfette turned to me "Wow we really are the last to see it aren't we? Kelli you are very pretty!"

I am sure The Waitress and Mother Hen said something too but I could not hear they as they were more in the background. Talk about shocking as these are all women stating this to me. Usually I hear it from men or gay men. Yet these women are all my peers and they are telling me this.

It is rather profound when you think about it.

Also, for the record, Pixie is the only one who knows about my function and still thinks I am an amazing and incredible person. She has already invited me to a girls only wine tasting event she is going to host.

At this point we did our third shot and headed back to our table. Not much else occurred except that Rogue and another gentleman purchased another round of shots for our table.

I played it safe by sticking with water and Coke for the rest of the night in an effort to remain sober and I figured I still had to drive home.

The band starts wrapping up there show and there is a big toast to the crowd with the crowd participating. We stand up holding out drinks(still soda for me) and say the chant along with the band.

It is during this that I see a hand with a glass appear over my shoulder. Since I was at the end of the table away from the band I could not think of another friend this might be.

It is then I feel a hand on my waist.

I twist to glance over my shoulder and whom do I see?

Drunk Guy #1 yet again.

(>_<)

WTF!!! Really?!?!

When he see me turn he backs up.

I am furious but as this happens the toast finishes and I am distracted by the end of the toast. A quick clink of glasses and I set my glass down.

Rogue(who was standing next to me a half step forward) catches the fact that I am really irked and asks me what is wrong. I explain that it is the drunk guy from earlier. (We filled him in on the story).

Now Rogue is the protective sort and we turn together to find him.

Only he is gone.

Now there is a large partition wall that separates the bar from the dinning/show area. We proceed around it.

Nothing.

Dart outside?

Nothing.

He and his friend are gone.

Oh well. Rogue at least was a total gentleman and one was not going to let some drunk fool upset a friend of his and two, and he can back it up.

We decided not to let it bug us but it is nice to know that someone has my back.

After this we girls head back to the part as we promised The Waitress and The Bartender a shot on us for being so good to us all night.

That and The Bartender wanted to sample what she had been making us since she had totally made it up on the spot.

While we were waiting the lead singer came up to talk to the group. Remember he knows quite a few of them rather well and also has Smurfette up on stage to join them for a song.

Once we have had our drink he walks over to me and introduces himself.

O_O

"Hi, my name is Bard I play with the band." (Obviously I am using the nickname of Bard as he is a musician with a great voice.)

"lol! I know I did watch the show."

"I have seen you here before recently, how long have you known this group?"

"Well some of them are new, but people like Rogue and Scholar I have known for a long time."

"Really? How come I have not seen you here before?"

"Oh they have been trying to get me to come for years, but previously I was in a relationship where I was not allow to do much when my ex decided he did not want to attend."

"Well I am glad you came. Actually I noticed you at a prior show and I did not see you at a show in between. I was worried we had scared you off?"

"Oh no! You guys are wonderful but there is simply no way I can make all the shows."

"Great I remember that show and thought "wow we must have been terrible that night" It was not one of our better shows that night."

"LOL!! Good show or bad show I would rather come see you guys than, say, go to work. You are a talented and fun group and you obviously enjoy yourselves doing it."

"Oh well thank you very much!"

"You are welcome!! Do mind if I ask you a questions?"

"Not at all go right ahead."

"At the end when you were giving your closing acknowledgments you mentioned a few former students here, what do you teach?" (He also gave a shout out to Rogue & Pixie for their anniversary.)

"Oh I teach Spanish and French at a local high school."

"Really I am going to Paris in September."

That statement sparked a ten minute conversation that prompted him to offer to share some of his travel info and even some study guides to improve my French. So he gave me his contact info with a promise to get together in the coming days.

Now relax, he is sixty and married but incredibly sweet and a pleasure to talk to. Which should make it interesting. Besides how does one expect to experience life if you do not take chances and meet new people.

Never the less that is how I came to get the lead singers phone number.

With everyone saying their goodbyes for the evening. Rogue comes up to me and asks if I am ok to drive home. I answer that I am but that I am probably pushing it and if I make a mistake I probably register over the limit. Now mind you I do not even have a buzz going. I just know it is still in my system and I cannot change that.

Rogue tells me he would rather I drive home with them and he will bring me back in the morning to get my car. Since it seems he is not driving either and leaving his car there too. Pixie's sister is driving us to his house.

"Besides a number of us are going there and plan on playing Cards Against Humanity."

"Oh I am so in!!"

With that we headed to Rogue and Pixie's house, played Cards Against Humanity until 3:30 am. It was at that point we all felt we had too much frivolity and laughter for the night.  Some  people went home and the rest of us found sleeping locations there at the house.

Now I bet you are wondering what happened to the part about Pixie's Dad.

Well I wasn't really paying too much attention at the dinning room table but I was sitting next to him. Upon waking up at seven AM(damn you internal alarm clock). I lingered in the bedroom I had been assigned until I hear someone moving about upstairs.

It turned out to be Pixie's Dad who was making coffee. He offered to get me a cup of tea and we sat and chatted while we waited for others to wake up so that we could head out for breakfast and retrieve the cars.

Now a little back story. Pixie's Dad was married for forty years, he became a widower last year when his wife sadly died.

I thought he was sweet and nice, but did not really think anything of it. I felt this way because here he was the father of three daughters the eldest of which graduated from the same HS as I did. One year prior to myself.

Think about that. He is old enough to be my father.

O_O

Just not gonna happen. I also did not realize until later that the reason he stayed that night rather than going home with the other daughter was because I was there. He also came to breakfast because I was there. It dawned on me that morning that the man was hitting on me rather than just being flirtatious.

I just did not make that connection because I just thought he was out enjoying spending time with his two daughters. I also did not talk to him much during the show the night before.

What made me realize it, was in direct comment about talking with me again over our morning cups of caffeine and again after breakfast. As I did join Pixie, Rogue  and their brood for noms.

Pixie, slyly apologized to me later in front of him, mentioning that her dad was just looking for company and was not interested in dating yet.

I half wonder if she figured it out around the same time I did.

Oh well, he is nice but I am simply not interested.

I bid my adieu and promised to get in touch with everyone after they returned from Ireland and I from Southern California next month.

That concludes the story of how I ended up not sleeping at home and was hit on by someone who would be old enough to be my father.

Crazy, crazy, crazy!!!

I can hold my head high and say I did not intentional go out and try to have a night like this. I simply wanted to have a good time with friends and the whole story happened really organically.

When my best friend Laura contacted me the following morning I gave her the same summary I gave you at the beginning part of this post. Needless to say it generated a big of shock and some hilarious laugher later. As I was not even at home yet when I responded to her.

It still is pretty surreal that my life his going as well as it is. I would have never foreseen having stories like this. Glad that I can laugh at them later.

Most importantly I am living life to the fullest and I do not think I can express in words how amazing I think that is.

Life has really taken off in the last seven or so months.

No one pinch me I might wake up.

Where's Waldo

Once again I am going to tease the general audience.

 How?

With a picture.

That's how.

Recently I posted how I attended a hockey game for my favorite NHL team.

This is the hometown team I grew up rooting for.

Well they are in the playoffs yet again.

Really it has been twenty-two years straight.

I know another big clue as to where I live but really, I had the name of the major city I live near and the arena printed on the ice in the last picture.

Google would have solved that riddle in a second.

Anyways we had such good seat this last time I managed to find an interesting picture.

Why is this one so interesting?

Other than a great action shot, it is the fact that yours truly is sitting in the stands in plan sight.

We even made the national broadcast.

How cool is that?

It was a lot of fun, a great game, but still I marvel at how normal life has become.

I truly am fortunate to being living my life as me.

P.S. I know once again teasing the audience. What can I say I value my privacy. There are people in the know who will be able to find me. As they have either met me or gotten to see more picture of me via email.

P.P.S. Also do not worry, I am working on the follow up post to my last story. I has a system upgrade and outage recently took up way too much time to resolve. I had to play catch up on other things first and get some much needed rest.

An Interesting Anomaly

I have noticed something rather interesting lately.

I am getting smaller.

For reals!

Before I explain this a little back story.

In early 2008 after I had lost a lot of my extra weight I settled into wearing sized 8/10 and medium/large in women's fashions.

In the following years as I finished losing the rest of my extra weight and started hormones I noticed a few more changes. I even posted some of them for curiosity's sake.

I noticed even more after the second year of hormones, but about all that changed was I settled into size 8 and mediums a little more and not much else. Really I remained there for the next two years.

Which is where I thought I would stay.

Until recently.

Since late last summer I noticed a shift.

A rather significant one at that.

First during the summer I found myself finding mediums or size 8 shirts to be too large. Causing me to try on a size smaller.

Initially this fact did not cause any suspicion to be aroused. I know brands and designers "sizes" differ a little between them. There is always some fluctuation to be found.

What I was clueless about at the time, was the fact that I was doing this more and more frequently. I was rather oblivious about it. Mostly because I wasn't doing a ton of shopping that summer.

It wasn't until I was visiting my best friend Laura for Thanksgiving and we did some serious mall walking that weekend. Hehe true story we even did some midnight Black Friday shopping. Mostly just to view the insanity, but ended up scoring a few things for ourselves once the mob scene quieted down.

The crazy part was I was grabbing mediums find them too big and going to smalls, and in more than few cases an extra small. I bought exactly no mediums. I would say I got 70% smalls and 30% extra smalls.

I also noticed any dresses that were tried on I was favoring a 6 over an 8. Even fitting best into a few 4s.

I was shocked.

As I mentioned I understand designers can fluctuate their sizes between them. Yet this was too big a change to often for me to say it was that.

Once I got home I put it to the test by grabbing some of my old shirts and sweaters that I had in my closet that were not that old.

I was swimming in most of them. Especially if they were supposed to be a bit more figure fitting. Anything that was meant to be over sized and baggy was even more enormous and baggy.

This fact had me pretty astounded since my size and shape had largely gone unchanged in the last three years. Even stranger since my weight has hardly budged in the last five years.

Now I should make you aware that all of this was in relation to my upper body, below the waist I still a 6 or an 8. (I favor a 6 for skirts and 8s for jeans.)

Seriously no change there.

None.

Everything else has.

I know this because all of that was not the most telling signs.

??

It was my feet.

O_O

I kid you not. I had noticed that I had been favoring a size 8 over 8.5(which was my typical size.)

Yet it was not my daily shoes or heels that made me take notice.

It was my ski boots.

A little background for those of you who are not skiers.

Ski boots are all sized the same. The length of your foot is measured in centimeters and that is where they start sizing a shell for you.

See the idea is the shell is designed not to be too much bigger than your foot. So that when it is buckled shut it compresses the softer inner foam liner around your foot. This fills in any gaps that might exist and the whole shebang becomes an extension of your lower leg.

Any gaps will cause you to have less control over your skis and often become uncomfortable as your foot moves around too much under the stresses of skiing.

The only differences between a men and women's boot is mens boots start and end at larger sizes. They are stiffer and a bit wider than a womens.

Meaning there is no difference when it come to sizing, you stand on a universal measurement device. Get your foot measured and they start trying shells on your foot to see how close you are to what they measured(Sometimes they have to go up a half size depending on the length of your foot).

This means a 27cm boot is the same in either gender. I know this because I know a few girls who are accomplished skiers and prefer the stiffness a men's boot has to offer for performance reasons.

The tricky part is if they will fit, because you start test fitting shells until you find what you are looking for then you clamp your foot in with the liner and start moving around walking, leaning, crouching in them to look for any spots that are pinching or causing discomfort.

This tells you if the boot will be comfortable or not as you ski.

[Word of advise for those would be skiers a good fitter will have you try on several pairs if they can find enough close to your foot size and always try getting fitted at more than one retailer.]

Well I had noticed my old boots were feeling off last year. They were about five years old so I was about due for replacing them.

Now this is where the shock comes in. My old boots were a size 27. Yes of course they were mens, but I knew that really didn't make too big a difference. Other than they were now feeling too loose. I ended up at that size because my foot measured somewhere between 26.5 and 27 back then.

Imagine my surprise when I got to one of my favorite ski shop, sat down with their fitter, pulled my boots and socks off, pulled on a pair of winter socks, and measured my foot.

I was just short of 25cm.

Double O_O

My foot had shrunk somewhere between 1.5 and 2 centimeters. Give or take.

I was trying on 25 and 25.5 boots. This was a huge change from my old ones. Had my foot really changed that much?

Maybe....but something else occurred to me.

I can tell you I always had a hard time fitting mens ski boots, I would try on a lot of pairs, and I do mean a lot until I found something that was really snug yet comfortable.

It never occurred to my why this was until now.

I also have a narrow foot.

As mentioned a ski boot is to very closely follow the shape of your foot. Men's boots were difficult for me because my foot never felt like it was ever being fully pressed in on all sides.

Putting a high end girls boot on(I am an accomplished skier, so I do want a full four buckle and rather stiff boot) shocked me as for once I felt it grab and hold my entire foot. Toes to heel, side to side.

It was a world of difference. My foot was no longer able to twist inside the boot. It felt completely snug but not uncomfortably so. Granted I did try on eight pairs total. Fussing with buckle settings and tossing out ones that might have pinched or pressed too hard in one spot. Enough to notice it anyway.

Settling on the ones pictured here.

[Total bonus on the color, as you do not get to pick it. Ever. Really I had a white and blue pair I liked along with a pair of Fischers that were bright yellow. Not to mention I tried on things that were orange, lime green, aqua and so on. Everything I wear has black, white, purple or some combination there off in it. So I totally lucked out on these.]

In the end though I am still in awe of the changes that have occurred. Even more surprised by the continued change. I certainly did not expect this since I started HRT at the age of 34..

Part of me does wonder, seeing that I was never very big to begin with, if I do have a smaller bone structure and it was simply weight and muscle mass making me appear larger. Now that more of it has disappeared or reduced my smaller frame is becoming more apparent.

Who knows really.

I will tell anyone who is trans that changes can and will happen, the younger you are the truer I think this is. Your personal results will vary and they will take time. I have personally experienced more changes in the time after I passed the twenty-four month mark than I did prior to that.

Crazy when I consider where I started and where I am today.

The Cabin In The Woods

It has been a crazy few months and it will take a bit for me to catch you all up on it.

I am going to try though.

The first thing I need to cover is the story of a friend of mine who got in touch with me again.

I'll call him Scholar since he spent over ten years getting his bachelor's degree. (long story)

He is a friend of mine who also knows the Professor.

Which is how he came to learning about me.

Earlier this year, late summer  or early fall, Scholar and the Prof went to lunch. Scholar asked about me and Professor told him that he had not talked to [His Name] in quite some time. Which is true.

So the Professor contacted me to let me know that I was asked about. Since he knew it was my story to tell he left it up to me, but that he did not want to keep avoiding the question.

Fair enough.

I then reached out via text to Scholar and let me know that I wanted to give him a call and talk but that if I did so I would sound a little different.

Before I could call him he attempted to contact me. Unfortunately  I was in a meeting and was unable to answer it. Thus it went to voice mail. Which has a new greeting with a new voice.

Well that removed any chance of not completely shocking him.

I called him back as soon as I was able and when he answered the phone he immediately used the right name and was totally okay with it. In fact it turned out I was the third person he knew that had transitioned(almost 11 years in college remember?). Crazy fact was I was the second MtF and the other was FtM.

We set plans for a dinner in the near future(early sept)  and sat down for a chat that day over a few drinks and a meal.

It was a non event really as he was already familiar with trans individuals and really just wanted to get to know me better.

At the end of the evening he noted a few things.

"Well you still have your sense of humor, you are still a geek, you seem more alive and happy then I have ever seen you. Really you are much the same yet vastly different. Also sitting here talking to you for the last few hours there is no doubt in my mine you are a girl. A pretty cool and amazing one at that."

Closing out this meeting he asked me if I was willing to attend a show by a local Irish drinking band, that the group he hung out with the most, followed around and saw fairly regularly. They had been trying to get me to attend for years but my prior living arrangement would not allow for it. I told him I would love to attend and to let me know when the shows were, that as long as I wasn't tied up elsewhere, that I would make one.

Which promptly came up a few weeks later, alas I was unable to attend that once since it was a bowling night.

All was not lost as the opportunity popped up right after Thanksgiving when Scholar called me again to see how I was doing and to inform me that yet another show was happening the first weekend in December.

The good news was I was totally free that night and mentioned that I would be dragging someone along, as they needed a head count for seating reservations.

As asked Scholar who else would be attending, besides himself, I did not really know anyone else, except for Rogue.

(I'll call him that because it totally fits his history if you know it like I do. Besides it is my blog and I can use any nickname I want too.)

Rogue went to the same HS as myself, Professor and Scholar. Not to mention the four of us did a lot of crazy things together way back when.

However I had not even talked to Rogue in nearly eight years, meaning he was not high on my list of people to have 'the' talk with prior to transition.

I asked Scholar if Rogue had been told anything and he replied that to his knowledge nothing had been said. I also contacted Professor and he stated the same.

So the night of event comes, I go, dragging the BF with me(he is a trouper that one, sometimes he has no idea what he is about to encounter but knows I need the support), Professor even makes a change in his plans and attends for my sake. (I have some amazing friends.)

Upon arriving, I am introduced to everyone there along with Rogue. Now he was a little busy since he was doing the arranging of this event and wanted to make sure there were enough seat for all the people attending.

Thus, beyond a cursory introduction, we did not talk.

Yet interestingly enough we did sit across from each other and though at separate tables. (The group had two long rectangular tables but Rogue and I ended up directly across from each other even if there were two table between us. This is important later.)

Also, once we got settled in the band started fairly soon thereafter so I was forced to wait for a break between the sets.

At which point I tell Scholar and Professor to go grab rogue so I can have a chance to talk to him.

We get him outside and away from the smokers(all bars and restaurants in my home state no longer allow for it inside) to have the following exchange.

"Rogue, I do apologize for doing it this way, but unfortunately I did not have a chance to tell you sooner. While you might not have any idea who I am, you do know me though it has been quite sometime. There has been a great deal of change so unless you have some idea who I am, I will have to explain."

I gave him a moment during which his eye widened and he looked at me and said:

"I have a guess."

"And?"

"Are you [his name]?"

"I was yes, how did you know?"

"Lol, well all night sitting across from you thinking you reminded me of someone. A few of your facial ticks. A smirk or look with your eyes that eventually clicked with me that you reminded me of him. So much so that I was tempted to call him and asked if he had a cousin that I never met who could almost pass for his female twin."

I laughed and said "Well there are some thing you cannot change."

"Honestly, I had no clue until you asked me if I knew who you were, I just thought it was one of those crazy circumstances where you meet someone who reminds you a great deal of someone else. I did not even make the connection until just now. So how are you?"

"Oh, you know same old, same old."

He gave a big laugh "Lol well your sense of humor certainly has not changed."

We chatted for a few minutes and at the end of it I asked if he ad any questions or concerns.

"Just one, Are you happy?"

"Very."

"Good, I might still be a little shocked but I have no issue with it as long as you feel it was right for you."

"It was."

"One last thing."

"Yes?"

"Will we be seeing you around more?"

"I don't see why not."

"Excellent, you have been missed."

It was this point where we needed to head back in as the band was going to start their second set. It was also time for me to leave. I have a busy Sunday morning and already it was late. So I said my goodbyes and headed out the door.

Now you would think that this would be the end of  my store. But nay, it is not. I only told you all that so I could tell you the real story. I mean this post is titled The Cabin in The Woods.

And I don't believe I have actually mentioned a cabin yet.

Well a few weeks after the music event, Scholar called me up and asked what I was doing between the holidays.

[Now before I go any further I feel I should point out Scholar's parents and extended family own two cabins in the norther part of our home state. His parents having the larger of the two properties mostly because they built a larger cabin next to the smaller one and connected the two with a breezeway. What would happened a long ago in a galaxy far, far away, is that between college semesters a bunch of us would head up there to unwind, game, ski, watch movies and generally have some fun before heading back home, and real life. I managed to go for most of the 90's before life took me in a different direction.]

At my current employment we have a full shutdown between the holidays. Mostly because our largest client also shuts down during this time.

I told him I was off and that I was looking to possibly go skiing somewhere.

"Why don't you come up here if you can, we will find room for you, there will be plenty to eat and you know you can go skiing form here. Besides, Scholar, Rogue, and myself already know, anyone else would be new to you. Nothing needs to be said just come up and be you."

I debated with this until the weekend before Xmas. Not sure what I wanted to do, but ultimately deciding I would go Wednesday night, ski Thursday, hang out Friday and if I felt uncomfortable I could head home at any time on Saturday.

Now I had to do a little work Wednesday after Christmas, which I could do from home, handle an appointment, so I needed up getting partially caught in a bad snow storm driving out Wednesday night. Thankfully I was able to drive  north enough to get out of it and the last two thirds of the trip were no issue at all.

It did however turn a three hour trip into five and a half.

Meaning I got there far later than I desired so I was only able to see a couple of people before I needed to get into bed since I was getting up early to leave to go skiing the following morning.

With only an hour, I only got to meet one new couple and spent some additional time with Rogue who helped me to find my sleeping arrangements.

Thursday was great all day on the slopes, for the first time in a long time I had total freedom since I had no one to babysit or teach how to ski. Not that I really mind I love sharing, but this really allowed me to go where I wanted, when I wanted and ski what I wanted.

I had a complete and total blast.

After getting kicked off the slopes in the late afternoon, I headed back to the cabin, stopping only to grab a bit to eat. I was starving and did not want to wait until I got back.

Upon arriving I headed into the main cabin to see if the shower would be free. I knew there were at least ten people currently staying there and I did not want to impede anyone.

What happened was not something I was expecting.

I ran smack into someone I knew...

...and who would know the old me.

Now this was someone who I had not physically seen in nearly fifteen years. He attended college with Scholar, which was how they met, and also how I met him. During those years in the mid nineties I saw and spend time with him a lot, mostly via proxy through Scholar. If you gave him enough information he would remember who version 1.0 of me was. Something else you should know. He has a history of being a player and a skirt chaser. Not deplorably so but once he becomes bored with her he would move on pretty fast.

So there I was just popping in the door which had me in the kitchen and he was right there in front to me. It took me a moment to figure out who he was as he was much older looking but the voice and personality were there. He had arrived that morning after I had already left for the slopes.

"Well hello! Who might you be?" He asked me.

"I'm Kelli."

"Well Kelli I am Jester. When did you get in?" I could see the interest almost immediately. [I'll call him Jester right now for the fact that he has this crazy sense of humor.]

"Last night."

"Then where have you been?"

"I was out skiing today."

"Oh, so your the skier I heard about."

"Yes I am."

"What are you doing now?"

"Well I wanted to see if the shower was free as I would really like to take one."

I managed to break that conversation off rather quickly after that, as I really wanted to take a shower. I should point out that he is not a terribly unattractive man. Being older than me, he is in fairly good shape, though he does smoke. Still had a full head of hair but it had receded back a bit.

He is intelligent, funny, and extremely charismatic but knowing his history I was totally not interested. He might be fun to talk to but it was not going to go any further.

Besides I have a BF I love very much and was certainly not going to jeopardize that. The point here is even if I was single I would keep him at arms length.

Still it was obvious he was very interested in me and once I was done getting cleaned up spent a lot of time where ever I was. He was baffled that I knew Scholar, Professor and Rogue as long as I have(which is much longer than he did) and he had never met me before. He  also could not fathom how an extremely attractive woman,  very intelligent woman, who had a great sense of humor had ended up divorced.

Over the course of Thursday evening to early Saturday morning he asked me out to dinner three separate times. All of which I politely turned down and mentioned that I was dating.

It didn't stop him at all.

But that is the nature of who he is.

However there wasn't any recognition from him that he linked me to the person I was before.

In fact Scholar even told a story that version 1.0 of me played a major role in.  He told it that way not shifting any details of the story at all. Yet he made no mention that the person in the story was also the same person sitting at the other end of the table. Jester even asked about it after the story was wrapped up.

"Hey whatever happened to that guy?

Scholar answered "I lost touch with him several years ago and have not heard from him since."

It was obvious he remember who the old me was but nothing was ever said nor any connection made that I was one in the same.

I can say he might have been persistent but he wasn't obnoxious about it. He was always polite but I always knew what his intentions were and where he wanted to go.

My guess is he finally decided to leave on Saturday because I was constantly rebuffing him and a few more people showed up including a former girlfriend of his.

I was still pretty crazy to receive that kind of attention all weekend long.

And THAT is not even the end of the story yet.

There was one other person there who came in Friday morning. I'll call her Ginger since...well...she is a ginger. Fiery red hair, pale skin and freckles to make a Wesley jealous.

Ginger is someone who I attended high school with along with Professor, Scholar and Rogue.

Again someone who knew the old version of me but was not involved with this version. It had probably been ten years since I last saw her.

She had no idea who I was and just thought I was new to the group. However over the course of Friday and Saturday, small tidbits were revealed to place just how I knew Professor, Scholar and Rogue. We were not making it hidden that I had known them for a long time, just sticking to the story that I was new for the rest of the group and that this was my first time up at the cabin. Up to where she asked me if I attended the same high school with her.

Which I think was the one item that really through her off, how could I possibly have gong to high school with those three and she not know who I was.

Which brought us to Saturday morning we were in the second cabin watching the new Doctor Who seasons(yes they got me hooked and I am just starting the David Tennant seasons) when the boys with us got called outside to rescue a stuck car.

Leaving Ginger and myself alone. I turned to look at her and she faced me, I could see the gears turning in her head(she is a highly intelligent person if a prone to a little flightiness). I asked if there was a question she had, I did so in a way I knew she might recognize. (remember you cannot change or hide facial ticks, which seems to be the only way others who knew me well can make the connection. Ginger knew the old version of me quite well and I know it was starting to each at her why she could not have met me before.

I could see the light bulb go off suddenly.

She said "Your [his name]!"

"I was, yes. How did you know?"

"Omg it was the fact Professor, Rogue, and Scholar knew who you were. I could not figure out how you could know them and I did not know you. Little tidbits of info including the fact that we all went to high school together were just bugging me. What finally did it was the mischievous little smirk you had and still do. You look so completely different and amazing, I would never have put it together otherwise."

She came around the projector and sat next to me on the couch, grabbed both of my hands and asked.

"Are you happy?"

"Extremely."

"Awesome!" She then gave me a big hug. "Don't ever let anyone ever tell you this was wrong. I think it is incredible and I am so happy for you. I am so excited to get to know you again!"

And that is finally the whole story. I had a ton of fun and ended up staying until Sunday morning. I got to ski, game(I HIGHLY recommend Cards Against Humanity if you can handle an adult natured game, you will also find out how deliciously evil your friends are), get caught up on movies and some reading. I even get hooked onto Doctor Who. I met fifteen new people in all. Four other couples and their other single friend Moe. Which I can use as that is the nickname they assigned him, since he has the same first name as Rogue. I had a lot of fun doing some light bonding with the other girls.

Almost to a person they asked if I would be back. Of which I promised that as my schedule allowed I would.

So that is just part of my wild December. There is more to come but this post has already gotten long enough.

I still marvel at it all. How I am able to just be myself how few people see anything different other than the girl that I am. Even Professor, who has spend the most time with me recently both before and after transition said something recently when I was responding to something I did.

"OMG you are such a chick!"

Things like this make it all worth it. The pain, the fear. Much of it is gone and my life feels so clear and promising before me.

That does not mean I don't get a little craziness now and again.

Here is to a brand new year.

One Year Later

It is really hard to believe that a year ago I was about to go full time.

At this point last year my company knew.

My department and co-workers knew.

Things were about to change rather radically.

There was to be no more switching back and forth. I would not have to pretend to be a boy anymore(not like I was succeeding very well trying).

Emotionally I was all over the place wondering if this really was going to go over well.

Or was I just going to fall flat on my face.

It is interesting to sit here one year later and think about all of it.

Reflecting on my nerves those first few weeks

Which were only about the office. Really, outside of work life had already shifted so much and since the general public didn't know any better, life was easy there.

I found it hard to even walk into the office back then. I just did not want to be that person anymore.

That doesn't mean I wasn't scared those first few days. Even with all the due diligence that I did. The soul searching. The personal exploration. I was still scared.

How could I not be?

Yet with all that here I am one year later and things have gone extremely well.

Who knew however that all of what was to come was going to happen. The Good, The Bad, and The Blonde.

I have had some amazing moments over the last year.

I have had some ugly and sad ones.

I have also had a lot of 'duh' moments.

With all of that though I am amazed that here I am one year later. Healthy, extremely happy, and simply truly enjoying being alive for the first time in my life.

I had so much fear and trepidation built up in my head and while some of it did happen. Most did not.

It is rather surreal to think about all of it.

Still here I am one year later.

The importance of that sentence cannot be stated enough.

Read it again if you don't see it the first time.

The thing that amazes me the most though?

Holy Calender Batman!!

It has been one year!!!!!!

All in the Family

While I would say that my transition has proceeded rather well. It has not all been without it's share of problems or issues.

Most notably would be my brother.

Sadly he and I have not talked since last November.

It is not like I have not tried too. In fact I attended his youngest son's graduation this last June. I was invited by not only my nephew but his mother too(my Brothers ex). Even in light of all that changed they absolutely wanted me there. My Ex-sister-in-law even moved to sit with us after she came to the ceremony. Choosing to sit with myself and my parents, than near my brother.

(My nephews and their mom were great never getting my name or nouns wrong and I even was referred to as Aunt Kelli. I did not even ask for that part I would have been happy with just Kelli.)

As for my brother, I am going to say he did not.

He remained on the other side of the auditorium from me. I caught more than a few gestures my way which did not appear flattering.

Worse still was when we all gathered outside after the conclusion of the commencement and I made a point to walk up to him and say 'hello'.

To which all i got in return was not a single word and the cold shoulder.

Which upset my father a great deal, but more on him later.

Another thing was some of my extended family, specifically the ones I mentioned here. Have not all been as accepting as first appeared.

What has tricked down to me was "Well we don't want our kids around you because it would be too confusing for them."

They have even stated one of the kids 'read' something in a certain religious text and stated he found it wrong because of this.

The truly crazy part of it is that his Aunt, my cousin who was telling me this, found it as out of character as I did. This child is so deeply rooted in logic, technology and science in a family that isn't deeply religious, that for this comment to made was incredibly odd.

Contradicting the older adult children in the family, who are more religious, who do not have an issue.

Personally I feel that this story was told as an excuse to avoid having the kids around me. That it wasn't actually said.

This is highly irritating because in all my experiences with kids, most of them(and I am referring to preteens twelve and under) will follow suit with whatever the parents do.

I even supplied this information of how to explain it to them.

"Tell them that [His name] will now be referred to as Kelli and will be a girl from this point forward. If they ask why. Then you tell them because she with the help of a few doctors felt this was medically necessary."

Children often will just say, oh okay and go back to playing. From there on out they will follow along with the parents. Most of the confusion stems from when they get told something like this and the parents fail to follow up themselves. i.e. the parents use the wrong name and the child will ask but I thought they were called [new name] now?"

It really is that simple. There is no need to elaborate on it and in time they will not ever really recall the other persona.

What this situation tells me is two things. They haven't accepted it themselves, be it they are don't want to understand it, are embarrassed, or they are disgusted by it, or feel it is wrong for whatever reason.

They simply are unwilling to talk to their kids for five minutes and go from there. Odds are few if any questions will arise. I even told them if it does come that they can bring the questions to me and I will give them an easy way to answer it if they felt they did not know how too.

Obviously they do not care. See excuses above.

Oh well. I have this odd feeling I'll find out for sure come this Christmas when we have our big family gathering on that side Christmas Eve. Most of these people would be in attendance and I do plan on going.

We shall see.

It ultimately does not matter since I know I am planning on moving out of my home state sometime in the near future. As much as I would like to hang onto family I also know I cannot make anyone like me.

The one other issue that I have been dealing with is my father. He surprised me earlier this year by finally opening up and talking to me. He allowed me to take him out for dinner on his birthday and a few other little things.

I had though that since we attended a few graduations parties and he saw the rest of the family talk to me like a normal person. Welcoming me and taking the time to get to know version 2.0 of me. That the ice started to break up a bit.

Sadly I don't think this is going to hold up since in recent weeks he has finally talked to my mom a bit and the impression I get from her is that he is not taking it well...still.

I don't know yet, her and I have a dinner scheduled soon, to catch up and she was going to discuss more of it with me then.

This is all just a sad reminder that there are some very closed minded people still out in the world. That no matter what I do they will not see past there own personal problems or beliefs. It also bothers me that they might not attend a family function just because of my presence. While they might feel relief from the issue I guarantee that they do not realize how hurtful it is to me.

This is the paradox of being trans. We go to great lengths to be ourselves. Which is hopefully a far better and happier person. Truly allowed to be ourselves. Yet the fear, misunderstandings or misguided beliefs of others will not let them treat a human being as such.

Oh well it is what it is. There is nothing I can to do make them think anything different.

Such is the life of being Trans.

Full Circle

It is always interesting to return to places or people who know you from before.

Which happened to me recently when I had to see my General Practitioner for my annual physical.

I mentioned him way back here when I first had to come out to him and wanted to keep him as my GP.

Each year since he had always asked when I was going full time. During my last visit I told him it was to be the beginning of this year.

Now since I had not seen him since, I haven't had any illness or malady significant enough to warrant a visit, I did not return until my annual physical came around again.

When I called for the appointment I gave my old name, let her know it changed and the clerk was super understanding about it all and told me just to have everything when I arrived.

The day came, I signed in, and stood there with everything. She realized who I was, grabbed all my info and said "Have a seat Kelli, I'll get all your info updated and have you check it."

No issues there. I sat back down after that was done and in about five or ten minutes got called into the back.

I make early appointments for them so I usually have a short wait.

Only I had no idea how short that was to be.

I walked back with the nurse, she took my blood pressure, had me step on the scale(After I removed my boots of course. I had my jeans tucked into them that day), asked me a few standard questions and told me the doctor would be with me shortly.

She said this as I started to put my boots back on. I heard the door click shut as I put my second one on. When I heard it click open again, before I even had finished zipping back up.

Now normally I have about a ten or fifteen minute wait to actually see the doctor when I am at his office. Sometimes longer but not often. This is one reason I like them, they keep things moving and run a pretty efficient operation.

Yet I was stunned to see my doctor already entering the room not thirty seconds after the nurse left.

"Well that was fast!" I noted.

"HAHA well the office was buzzing when you got here and they were telling me you looked amazing. I could not wait to see for myself."

"Really? And?"

"Yeah and wow do you look great! Honestly I had no idea where you were going to end up but you really do look good."

"Thanks Doc!"

With that we got into the standard stuff about how I was feeling. If I had any issues to report. He also asked if I was still seeing my last Endo for HRT. If there was anything else I had done in addition to the surgeries he knew about(which was just the BA and the hair transplants). We talked about my GRS surgery and I gave him a copy of the forms my surgeon had me fill out so she can speak to him if need be. I mean he will be doing my pre-surgery workup and physical when the time comes.

Once we has covered that and got through the basic physical we were wrapping up. He turned to me and asked how I was doing.

"I am really good."

"Are you happy?"

"Very much so, loving life right now."

"Good I am glad. You look happy. I don't ever think I have seen you this comfortable and I don't blame you for being happy. You have every reason to be. Wow I am still shocked at how good you look!"

"Thanks again!"

With that we wrapped up his part of the appointment. All I had to do was wait to have my blood drawn and off I went.

It still boggles my mind that I am here and I am getting the positive reactions I am. Really, transition is such a misunderstood idea. Of which, most have the wrong one. Knowing that really feeds into your fear of what it will be like on the other side.

Just recalling the day I told him and how worried I was and here I am now with his full support and glowing comments.

Live has truly come full circle.

Comfort Zone

Hello?

Is this thing on?

*TAP**TAP*

I do hope someone is out there listening. I know it has been a while since I posted anything.

Life has really gotten in the way.

The worst part there are stories to tell and things to say. Well, at least stories I want to tell and things I want to say.

Sadly I simply haven't had the time. My days are filled with things. So much so that at the end of the day all I really have time for is readying myself for work the following day(I get in early so I try to have breakfast, lunch and clothes prepared for the morning), then getting to bed. Not to mention the weekends....wait...I have free time on the weekends?!?!

Often I want to sit and write but I unable to keep my eyes open.

Crazy when you think about how much I used to post. Mostly because life was keeping me at home and not doing much. I really didn't want to go anywhere or do anything. I think the writing kept me from utterly losing my mind. Now it is the complete opposite. I am currently so busy running to and fro trying to complete all my daily tasks, that by the end of the day there is just no time left to sit down and write.

Which has made me a little sad since I know there are people out there hoping to find some inspiration and perhaps not feel so alone in all this, that they look for Blogs like this in the hope of learning something more about themselves.

I know because I looked for them myself when long before I started my transition. I bonded with those stories and identified with the trials and tribulations they endured. It meant a lot to me yet I was always sad when they stopped posting regularly. Usually because life got so busy that they just didn't have times.

Which is an amazingly good thing but those of use still reading wanted to know more.

I promised myself I would try to post with some frequency after full time. Maybe not daily or weekly but far more than I what I have.

But I did not.

I had become the type of blogger I promised myself I would not be.

*sadface*

The only thing I can do is try to get these stories out. It might not be fast as I like but I do want to post them.

What has kept me so busy?

Well you already know I am dating and loving it. Really the relationship just keeps getting better and better. I am extremely happy with it. I have no intention of taking any big steps right now, but I like the promise it holds.

Only time will tell.

Still he has kept me happily busy. Two road trip weekends with another coming in a few weeks. I have met a large number of his family. With more in the future I am sure. Not to mention I have cooked for many of them.

I have gotten a chance to go shopping with his mom. Girls day out during the summer. Had a blast and she bugs me often to spend more time with me.

Life has been so amazingly...normal. I often have to sit back and take it all in otherwise it seems completely surreal.

I mentioned road trips with the BF. Well one of them was a return to this event.

I was not sure how it would go but when I posted to the forum for the event explaining there was a personal issue that might exclude me and to send me a private message to explain it.

To a person all of them that responded were shocked but at the same time so fully supportive that many of them said that if there was an issue with ANYBODY they would make sure it got handled. They wanted me to come out, cook, have fun and enjoy myself without having to worry about anything.

How did it turn out?

One word amazing. I enjoyed the whole process, everyone was extremely welcoming and happy to see me. I had about half the attendees approach me to tell me how great I looked and how happy I seemed. That and everyone was happy to see me back cooking again. So much so I got a cheesy distinguished person award for the effort I put in so that they can enjoy the food. Plus it was a sign of appreciation of how much I was missed when I wasn't there.

Honestly as big a production it is, I love doing it and seeing everyone happy.

I also finally got to meet the owners of the site who were meeting me for the first time ever. They actually thought my BF was the technology geek, not me. I shocked them when I stated it was me and what I did for a living.

I could see it on their face: "But you are a girl!" Honestly I don't think they were ever told. I know I did not say anything. The coolest part. Those three are from Kansas city and they LOVED my ribs. Different from what they are used to but to quote the site owner. "The prestigious Cup, given to "the most worthy," was fittingly awarded to Kelli, our rib chef. Those ribs are magical, world-class BBQ. I'm going to have to steal the recipe."

:D

Oh and yes I will be returning next year again.

Great day and fun night we got to stay for the fireworks for a change!!! yay!!

Work!!!

Been amazing and wonderful. So many of my teammates are huge supporters. Life at work is pretty normal just crazy busy with projects. The few slips were all earlier this year and really nothing blatant or even to report since. All the women are amazing and a couple of them want to know where I shop since they love how well put together I am.

Our facilities manager (who sits at the front desk with security) often tells me how jealous she is and tells me often, "Girl do not worry I wish I had a body like yours. Seriously you look amazing."

It isn't all about looks, I know, there is so much more to the person than how one looks. Yet I know it does not hurt to have a few advantages in your favor.

B!

Sadly I haven't seen him too much since earlier this year he got switched to afternoons at work which has split us up a little. Not to mention he has had some extremely personal issues that have taken up some of his spare times as he has dealt with them.

Though we have gotten together a few times when the stars have aligned and we were able to be in the same place at the same time. :D He marvels more and more at how comfortable I have gotten with myself. Not to mention meeting his new friend L(cis girl) total hoot who promptly said to B after meeting me. "Holy Shit she is pretty!!! How did you met her again?!"

Yes, she did indeed state that to B as if I was not standing right there. I couldn't help but smile and laugh a little.

And no B has only ever told her I am his friend Kelli, nothing more.

Had a lot of fun with those to out that night and I hope to see them again.

Oh I might have failed to mention the fact that I am on a co-ed bowling league!

For reals!!

The BF got invited because a guy he bowls with during the week wanted to bowl with his girlfriend and my significant other was the only person he knew who bowled and had a girlfriend to boot!

I wanted to but since I had not bowled in years I needed to see if I could even still do it and feel comfortable doing so.

[Background here, I came from a bowling family. Mom, Dad, Brother, we all bowled. I started league bowling after school at age 9 and continued through 16. After that I was just too busy to do it weekly but often went a few times a month with my dad for a long time. Not to mention a short lived summer league after graduation but honestly who wanted to be in a bowling alley when it was 85 and sunny out in June? Not us.]

With that the two of us tried a weekend of practice just to mess around and have fun. The good news was I had no issue adjusting with all the changes. Other than I have to use a lighter ball now. No way I can hurl a sixteen pounder any more(7.25 Kg for you metric types). I also discovered finger tape bowlers use for an smoother release from the ball. Me I use it to protect my fingernails I have to carefully groomed and maintain.

I have been three times already and I am having sooo much fun with everyone especially the other girls I have bowled with. Mostly because we all end up picking on the boys. :D

Especially when we out bowl them.

Everything is just settling. I have had little to no issues with existing in the world. I find myself often reveling and enjoying being myself and the person I always wanted to be. My sense of style is growing and I love that I can actually enjoy that part. I have discovered so many new and fun things.

Was transition easy? No. Was it worth it? For me it was a resounding yes.

To quote the famous motto: