Sunday, May 30, 2010

Music For The Soul Vol 2

Well I told you I would be back with another list.

Not only have I added some great songs I have rediscovered some things I had not listen to in a while. This one is a little different.

I like that about projects like this.

So without a lot of fan fair I give you the Transition Playlist Volume 2

You've Changed - Bettie Serveert (Lyrics)
Slow Emotion Replay - BrookVille (Lyrics)
My World - Metallica
She's Amazing - Team Dresch (Lyrics)
Bitch - Meredith Brooks (Lyrics)
You Gotta Be - Des'ree (Lyrics)
Fourty Six & Two - Tool (Lyrics)
Runaway Train - Soul Asylum (Lyrics)
Silent All These Years - Tori Amos (Lyrics)
The Most Vicious Crime - Sparta (Lyrics)
Can't Cry Anymore - Sherly Crow (Lyrics)
Be Yourself - Audioslave (Lyrics)
Crucify - Tori Amos (Lyrics)
Freed - Tracy Bonham (Lyrics)
Now I'm That Bitch (Kaskade Extended Mix) - Livvi Franc

And you can listen to them below. I will leave them here for now and in the near future I will add them to the others that I have in my widget and update it. I just felt since these were new I would let them stand on their own for now.


Thursday, May 27, 2010

My How Things Have Changed.

Today marks an important day in my history.

Because one year ago today I did something that changed my life forever.

It was today that I visited a doctor for the first time with my letter for HRT in hand.

It was today that I took the prescription to the pharmacy to have it filled.

It was today took Estrogen into my body for the first time.

Hard to fathom that was one year ago already.

I was so scared about how my body would react. Would it accept what was being put into it? Would I be able to handle the changes not only physically but mentally as well? Would I have an unhealthy reaction to it?

These were mysteries I didn't know. Requiring a leap of faith that not only would they work for me but that I would, not only handle what was to come, but also accept it.

I can honestly say that today I am surprised how it has all progressed. Not to mention how good I feel having been on them.

On a mental level I feel calmer, more relaxed and less at odds with myself. (Granted I still have the issue of not living full time as me, which tweaks my emotions quite a bit). I just feel I am more myself upstairs. Less inner conflict you could say. Though I will note that emotions have been an interesting experience.

Not so much as having them, or feeling out of control.  As I have always had them it was more of an issue I always had to just kept them well hidden. No, it is the intensity, they come easier and with much more punch. I laugh harder, cry longer, get excited more. There is just a lot more ka-pow to them.

They come easily, fast, strong and go just as quickly sometimes unless there is something to sustain them along.

I just haven't experience the roller coaster out of control type that some people talk about. Since when they do come there is a reason for them.

The biggest concern is, I still have to be careful when I display them, work and those that don't know yet aren't ready to see them.

That will come with time.

Physically has been equally amazing. For the first time ever in my life I am starting to feel like my body is mine. I have suffered a lot of angst over the years that is was never mine. It didn't fit. Now slowly that is not the case anymore. I love the changes that have occurred.

My skin is indeed softer. My facial features are also softer. I have had a resurgence of hair growing on my head. Now not everything is back but the hairline is much thicker and fuller today.

I notice it most when I look at older pictures that it is indeed different.

Now one thing I was curious about was the changes my figure would have. Now I normally don't break out the tape measure at all. I certainly wasn't going to check month to month or something absurd like that. However last year I did measure myself to try and see what would happen, if at all.

What I got was 35-29-39 (Chest-Waist-Hips) Yeah, those numbers surprise a lot of people when I do tell them.

Those aren't very normal for a guy. Especially pre-HRT.

But then again, I guess I never really was one.

Where am I at today?

Good question and since I was curious myself I pulled out the tape measure again.

35-28-40 (ok not quite 40 but over 39.5 which is close enough)

So things have change. Now some will note that the first number didn't budge. Yet I have developed a tastefully understated chest. They are obviously there, I can't hide them very well under a single shirt anymore.

Not to mention toplessness at the pool is a thing of the past.

Yet why no change in that particular number?

I have a hunch what it might be.

I have noted several people over the last year are under the impression I have lost yet more weight than I already have.

Which I haven't.

Last year at this time, I hovered around 140lbs. (Which is a weight I have carried for over a year prior to then.) Today I seem to linger at 138lbs.

Which I would think isn't enough to really notice. Yet people kept stating that I needing to stop losing weight. Which had me curious as to why they would think that since over the course of almost three years the scale has hardly moved.

Then it occurred to me why they might think I was loosing weight.


No that is not a typo. Most of these people who have mentioned this have in the last year have hugged me on occasion. Taking into account that these were dear friends or close family that gesture of affection is going to happen.

What they were noticing was that I had a lack of upper body mass that has occurred. I don't notice it as much since I really cannot give myself a hug. But they can.

And when I kept hearing this repeatedly, over the course of several months I could help but wonder why they thought that.

They were noticing there was less of me from the waist up and since there was less of me in their arms as they hugged me.

I have noticed myself some of my snugger fitting coats and jackets now feeling much more roomy when I wear them.

Which leads me back to the first number. If I had been more diligent I would have measured myself under my bust line last year, as I measured the fullest part since I thought that would change the most.

Very likely that will still happen but I think I have less mass around my ribcage or just below them. As of right now it is 34.5. However without that number from this time last year I cannot confirm the change. Still I wouldn't be surprised if I was right.

I do find all this fascinating. I doesn't bother me one way or the other what has happened. I just know that if feels right and I am very happy with how I look figure wise then I ever have before. Though I was always happy with that for the most part even before starting HRT.

Though if I changed a little more physically I wouldn't be upset.

One last item of note. For years I was about five feet eight inches tall. Just a bit under eight and a half.

Since others have noted a height decrees also I did measure this making a mark on the wall. Which I have followed up with this week.

What did I see?

Well a different mark lower then the first one with a final measurement of five feet seven and one half inch. On the button.

Again I am in total astonishment at just how much and what has changed. I highly doubt I will ever sit down and do this again anytime soon. Maybe next year but I doubt it. I was mostly documenting this to see if anything would change at all.

Which it really has.

As I move forward, however, I will mostly rely on how I feel and look as to if I notice any other changes. I may re-think that this time next year, but I doubt it. I have satisfied my curiosity and I would be happy not ever doing it again.

Truth of the matter is I wasn't too concerned with what would or would not change. I was mostly happy with what I looked like I never really was a overly masculine boy, while also not being a super feminine one either. Though I did lean toward that side of the gender spectrum. Mostly I was just curious what if anything would happen.

It is nice though have a sense of my body starting to align with my head. Along with my head no longer having to fight that masculine presence trying to assert itself that constantly gnawed at me and slowly was driving me crazy.

I like it and it is all very welcome.

I just think this journey will always continue to amaze me.

Wednesday, May 26, 2010

Administrative Item #1

My parents.

No I haven't told them yet, but I did talk to my mother late last week and again last night.

Since family obligations have them chained down to the local area for the month of June I got her to think about sitting down and talking one weekend yet again.

I think she knows something is up, but has no idea what.

Last night we tentatively scheduled Sunday June 13th.

Hopefully it sticks this time because I don't know how well I could handle another cancellation.

With that being said, here we go again, and wish me luck.

Sunday, May 23, 2010

Never, Ever Feed It After Midnight

I didn't know if I should use that for the title of this post or 'OM NOM NOM NOM'.

Granted I don't turn into some mischievous and destructive green creature if fed after midnight.

Ok, Mischievous maybe. Destructive and green, no.

However I have had a serious cases of the munchies lately.

I am wondering if this has to do with the Progesterone that was added two weeks ago to my regime?

I am not sure. Still the last time I had cravings similar to this I was right in the middle of my early teen years. Not only was I growing (and growing as a boy mind you), I was training to be an competitive cyclist.

Thus my body was not only craving food to grow it was craving food as energy.

Yes my parents complained a lot, since I would consume food faster then what they could do to keep it in the house. I would guess near four and five thousand calories a day. Little less in the winter as the Midwest weather kept me indoors more. Reducing my training program a bit.

What I am feeling now is no where near the level of cravings I had back then. They still have perked up considerable and most notably in the last few days.


So I have to watch. Since I didn't work so darn hard to loose all that extra weight I was carrying around for three years.

And it took me three years to lose it safely and effectively. Sorry this girl doesn't believe in crash dieting.

Which I have been for the most part, snacking on fruit and other things that are good for me.

Though I did notoriously slip the other day.

If anything I would be wondering if anyone else has noticed this. Once they added Progesterone into the mix.

It is all just food for thought.

Crap I said food didn't I?

I really need to stop now.

By the way, what is for breakfast?

Friday, May 21, 2010

Chicago: The Trip

Now I am going split this into two parts.

First the Doctor.

He was great. I really liked him. My only concern is that by trade he is not a maxillofacial surgeon, so if he will be able the change the few stronger bone structures that I have adequately is on my mind.

Having said that, his nose work is fantastic. The book I looked through was incredibly impressive. It never seemed that he did too much. All of them had just subtle yet natural changes. (The exception would be the really large noses or damaged ones.) I should also note that my nose is going to require the most work. Not so much visually, though he will make those changes but structurally it is a mess.

You know it is a mess when even the doctor notes how much noise you make when trying to breathe through it before examining it.

My septum is almost completely dislodge and extremely bent. I also happens to be missing cartridge in a key spot.

Basically he told me while the size and length were really nice, which I agree, some major work is going to have to be done to correct the innards as they support the outer portion. Plus I would like to breathe through it again.

I was expecting this as I had spoken with an ENT earlier this year. She was going to fix the structure but not do anything cosmetically. Which was fine I just wanted an ENT to verify this so that when I talked to a plastic surgeon I could find out if they could do both.

He really just confirmed what I suspected.

Knowing all that we move on to the next thing. Hair and hairlines.

Now my first impression was the work he does regarding that exceeds what he does with noses. Truly the restorations I saw were phenomenal!  If I use this Doctor for nothing else he will do the altering of my hairline and repair.

Really I saw repaired and moved hairlines from men, women, and trans patients and every single one of them was simply astounding.

He also gave a lot of good marks for having excellent skin (I take darn good care of it). Along with really strong hairline (for what I have) with healthy hair. Moving it should not be an issue nor would it take a lot. Plus with the donor hair in excellent shape it should be really easy.

He hinted that he often has to do much more with far less.

My only concern as I mentioned above was the work on my chin. I have requested a few photos if possible even if they are just chin shots. Plus I need to speak with him about possibly splitting them in to two groups of surgery as I mentioned here.

I discuss this with him once I have a quote in hand for the cost. Which I am supposed to have by weeks end. I would think that I will see it by the end of the day today.

The thing that sits most heavily on your mind about all this, is this the right surgeon(s) to do the work that you want. It is scary to consider what you want to do to yourself, but I am comfortable with doing that if I can feel comfortable with the person doing the work is going to an excellent job. Not to mention be able to adequately make the changes needed.

Big scary step when you thing about it. It does take a considerable leap of faith.

I have a couple of other surgeons I have talked to and there is still a lot to consider. I'll figure it out and I hope to soon.

Part 2

As for the trip to Chicago, I cannot thank my two new friends, Julie and Julie enough(I'll refer to them as Julie #1 and #2 since they even have the same last initial, lol). These two were amazing not to mention extremely gracious. Julie #1 was the one who referred me to this particular doctor. She even had some work done by him so I did get to see some of the possible results first hand.

What has me thanking them so much was the fact that they took time out of their day to not only pick me up at the airport, but to kindly cart me around for lunch, the consult visit, dinner, and back to the airport.

I at least did buy them lunch to thank them for all they did for me. I am sure they got tired of me thanking them so darn much.

I also appreciated the frank discussion we had about being trans, without the whole 'woah is me' attitude that I hear a lot. The impression I get is that they hear that a lot too. I understand this is a difficult life and there were going to be questions from both sides as we go the chance to get to know each other better.

The thing I seemed to notice while they both had tough journeys was that there was no regret about where they are at now.

I do hope that I also gave them the same impression, at least with the nature of my decision. I know I still have a long road to travel, but I didn't want them to think I need someone to hold my hand on this. I know where I am going I know what I have to do to get there, just as of now I need information to help try and make the right plans so that I can proceed forward.

In the end though I promised to come back out and visit them again. Which I really want to do since they really didn't get to fully meet me.

The reason for this, which I haven't told you yet, was that I had traveled in boy mode for this trip. For a few reasons, one I am still nervous flying, two I did want to switch back and forth on what was going to be a really long day. Lastly most importantly I didn't want to cover up anything for the doctor. That makes the Julies part of a very small and exclusive club. As someone who knows Kelli, yet has also met 'him'.

All in all it was a great trip, I learned a lot and I have to wait for some more data before I can make a final decision but he is pretty high on the list now.

I also hope I can grow this new friendship with Julie #1 and #2. They seemed like two people worth knowing and a lot of fun.

Thursday, May 20, 2010


Can I start this day over?


Pretty please?

With extra sugar on top?

Wait, let me retract that last one. No more sugar please!

I have no one to blame but me.

I indulged myself with a donut this morning. Goodness I cannot remember the last time I had one. I think it was last fall.

In my defense cider was involved.

I ate far too much for lunch. As in my entire turkey sub, potato chips, and a chocolate chip cookie.


So while feeling fat and bloated. I managed to overstress myself with work causing me to leave late for my laser session.

Which wasn't too bad until I kept getting stuck in traffic. A 35 minute ride turned into a hour and a half.

Which did make me late.

Then proceeded to have various parts of my body zapped with a laser. Most notably my face.



It hurt something fierce today. Worse then usual.

So now I feel battered, beaten, tender, and raw. To go with fat, bloated and just generally bleh.

At least I only had a salad for dinner.

Yeah, yeah, I know I had a donut and a cookie today. Don't remind me.

What I wanted to know is why the price we pay for trying to be our true selves, wasn't in the handbook?

What you didn't get your handbook?!?!

Now that I think about it, neither did I?

I am so writing a stern letter to management about that.

Oh and I just realized I still have to finish my Chicago write up.

Before I can do that please excuse me while I get my bloated chubby butt on the treadmill.


Is it time for bed yet?

Wednesday, May 19, 2010

Resistance is Futile...

...You will be assimilated.

This morning I received an email that My blog has been added to the T-Central blog list.

I have mixed emotions about this.

First don't get me wrong, I am truly flattered. Obviously the powers that be over there like my blog enough to feel that it should be included.


I started this blog for me and really only me. I am astounded that I have regular readers but that was never my intention. I needed a sounding board, a place to express my thoughts, vent frustration, or simply be a little silly.

I have express this concept in the past.

The fact that others read it simply amazes me.

Another thing I have talked about before is how I will also not have an agenda. least for the time being. Things can always change.

If people want to come and read what I have to say. Great! If they like it, even better. However at the end of the day it is still my blog. I am going to write what I want.

It is my opinion that I am entitled to have.

And my opinion will not always agree with everyone else's.

Yet I am not going to change the direction or tone of this blog just because I have new people reading it or feel that I must do so.

Still I hope you enjoy what I put on here and if you feel the need please contribute.

So for now I will leave the listing on T-central.

With that said I will simply say welcome to anyone new. Feel free to get caught up if you want and I hope you enjoy the stay.

Monday, May 17, 2010

I'm Leaving on a Jet Plane

Today should prove to be an interesting day.

I head to Chicago for a day trip. I am seeing a surgeon about some changes I want to make.

One I have seen a few examples of his work. His results are amazing. His work looks to be excellent with a lot of care taken. Though I would like to see more.

He also specializes in hair (advancement and transplants) along with noses. So this covers two of my largest issues.

My concern is seeing what he can do with my forehead and brow along with my chin and jaw. However I give him credit he wouldn't tell me until he could get me in for an x-ray and see me in person. I like this approach very much.

He may or may not be able to do what I want. Not that it is a lot, but in our email exchange he was very descriptive with what he thought from photos. He covered what I had mentioned in my initial email very well and cautioned against overdoing things.

Either way this should be an interesting trip. I may or may not use him I don't know, but his work with hair is nothing short of spectacular so he probably remain at the top of my list for at least that.

I'll post about what I learned as soon as I can.

Friday, May 14, 2010

"Passing" Perception

This has been a tricky post to write.

Part of it has been the issue that I have with the term 'passing' while at the same time the general idea of it is highly important to me.

Let's address the first part of this. 'Passing'

The main contention I have with the term is that I feels like it means someone is acting like something or someone they are not.

Which is what I am not doing as a girl.

Because I am a girl.

For me it is the opposite. I choose to act like a guy since I was forced to play the role of one. I taught myself to turn off certain things and allow only others out.

The effects mother nature had on me didn't hurt either. Even if they were forcing me into a direction I didn't want to go. It gave me the ability to present the world with the proper presentation as best I could.

For the most part people assumed what was being presented to them reflected who I was. Even if I had a few quirks.

As we know now it wasn't.

Yet they didn't know that.

To them I 'passed' as a boy.

I was simply performing for them to prevent myself from being discovered and shunned, voted off the island, or isolated from the rest of the herd.

Fear was the biggest reason behind that.

With that in mind it was very important to me to see how things worked if I did them as me with no restrictions or anything. Let myself be myself and see what happened.

However I had to work on presenting the world with a physical representation of what I was.

Not so easy when you are in the wrong packaging.

This prompted me to work on putting together the ability to cover him up and present the world with a woman. At least as much as I able and let my natural personality do the rest.

(I didn't always care that I had to do it this way but there isn't really much other choice.)

So far the result have proven extremely positive.

Really when people comment that they are surprised that I am not actually a girl (well I am but you get the point here) or they cannot figure out how I manage to live as a man. I figured who I am works with the presentation.

Consider this too, I am hearing this more and more from the cis community and not just the trans world.

What it boils down to is that my personality and mannerisms when free to be what they are line up with a physical presentation that isn't what mine is naturally.

I am not acting, I am not pretending I am simply me.

So maybe I 'pass' but that still irritates me because it isn't like I am pretending to be something I am not.

To me what it boils down to is perception.

And really this is with regards to my physical manifestation.

Or what the outside world would perceive.

Which is what this is all really about. The idea or 'holy grail' most of us pursue isn't to pretend to be something we are not. But really to have the outside world perceive us as we are on the inside.

Along with accord us the respect that goes along with it. I am nor ever want to be viewed as something I am not. I am a person, a woman. Not some sideshow freak.

Granted this is not always something that is easily overcome. Yet it is what we are looking for. To casually walk down the street and have the world view us as a woman or girl. To simple acknowledge that we are no different from them upon simply observation and even so with a bit more scrutiny.

This is what I desire myself. I don't really care if the world things I am pretty, attractive, cute, sexy, tall, short, curvy, or whatever.

I simply want them to think one thing.


Because that is what I am. Beyond that depends on the person and doesn't really matter to me.

All I really want is for the world at large to have the same perception of me as I have of myself.

Which is why some physical changes will have to take place. As I mentioned above I cannot produce the image of a woman with out a little help(I am fortunate that it isn't much help, but needed none the less). Then consider that I have tried without the extra help, it just doesn't work quite yet. I have gotten closer but I need to bring these to images together and blend them a bit more.

And that is going to take some outside help.

But I'll save those details for another post.

In the mean time this entire issue boils down to simple respect. You don't tell a police officer; "Wow you look just like a police officer, if I didn't know any better I would think you are one."

That is a back handed insult.

I think that is a large reason a lot of girls go stealth, they don't want any stigma attached to them that they are something they are not. When really we aren't, we just took a different path to get there.

It is just the plain fact that I am not act, I am not fooling, I am just being me.

Can we all try to perceive that?

P.S. I apologize if I rambled a bit on this one. It wasn't easy to write.

Thursday, May 13, 2010

Words to Live By

“…We spend our whole lives feeling awful about who we are…feeling a need to apologize to humanity for breaking the most basic social norm. Then when it comes time to empower ourselves and rise above every social teaching that has metastasized from society to our consciousness, we feel a great ache in our solar plexus – guilt. And ironically enough, the people who want to block us realize this better than we do, and they dig in for battle, throwing back at us our greatest fear…”How can you be so selfish???!!!” I say, how can we be so SELF-LESS!! We have spent a whole life trying to ease the sense of comfort in others by sacrificing our entire identity. If you don’t believe you are justified in being yourself, why should anyone else?"

--Dr. Christine McGinn

I am so hanging on to this one.

Wednesday, May 12, 2010

How Do You Do It?

Interesting question this one was.

I probably should provide some sort of context for this one.

This was asked by my partner in crime in reference to how I manage to not collapse completely in the face of everything I am experiencing.

As you know I am keeping an extremely positive frame of mind regarding this.

I did tell her it isn't easy. I still have to come out to a lot of people who are not going to always understand what I am doing or why I feel this way.

While keeping in mind that they then might try to talk me out of it or suggest that I should take other measures to deal with this.

Then there are the physical changes I still want to make to achieve a look that doesn't tell people who or what I was, just convey that I am a girl. I have no issue with my function. I just don't want to be reminded or hassled if I can avoid it.

(Side note I have a post dealing with this in the works but it hasn't been an easy one to write.)

After that I reminded her about the group settings in DC where she knew about my near panic attacks and massive anxiety about attending them.

Which then prompted the explanation from me that the only thing keeping going without a complete meltdown was the fact that I have set some things into motion to go forward.

Even with the thoughts of the inevitable resistance I am going to get from people about transitioning, so be it.

If people feel it is up to them to get into my way and impede what I need to do, then I will either go around them or remove them from my path.

Another situation that I pointed out is how more reclusive I have become as him. I love to go out as me. In fact I have some very public events that I planning on attending in the near future as me with friends.

However as him I don't even want to go beyond the house and work.

It is at a times like this that I am thankful my older brother was so good at instilling the mantra of sometimes you just have to suck it up and deal with it.

Because really that is what I am doing.

I suffer bouts of depression, anger, anxiety, frustration, etc.

Almost daily.

It cannot be helped I know the reality of where I am at, these feelings are going to come.

I just deal with them as best I can by telling myself that things are going to change and for the better. I am working on plans, things have been set into motion. I will get there.

And that is how I do it.

If I knew I was completely stuck with no hope going forward I would have fallen apart a long time ago.

Monday, May 10, 2010

With a Feather

This one surprised me.

It really did.

Yesterday morning at the grocery store.

(Yes I prefer to do my grocery shopping early on Sunday's)

I was waiting in the juice isle for someone to catch up.

No big deal but as I waited a older woman came along and needed to see something on the shelf behind me.

Realizing this I quickly moved my cart back several feet.

She thanked me and I told her it wasn't a problem as I was waiting anyways. Then I went back to reading the organic peanut butter jars.

She then got what she wanted, turned to me and said quite cheerfully:

Thank you again miss, and happy Mother's Day. If there is a reason for it."


Did I fail to mention I was in boy mode? Not even attempting anything but my regular voice when I talked to her. It isn't very deep to begin with.

Yeah that one completely caught me off guard and I had nothing to say in response other then thank you.

You so could have knocked me over...

...with a feather.

Saturday, May 8, 2010

My Doors

In a recent post I might have mentioned closing doors so that I can open others.

While this is a very metaphysical statement it is also true to some degree.

There are certain things I haven't talked about.

With reason.

I doubt I will go into any real detail now about it either. Thought I will try to clear up any confusion that is occurring with my audience.

(Ok that is a shock to the system. I have readers and it appears quite a few of them. I never really thought I would as I was just putting down my thoughts and feelings almost two years ago. Yet here I am with all of you.)

This is what I will tell you. I am in a relationship and have been for quite sometime now.

The word decade comes to mind.

She has know almost since I came out to myself. Which was nearly two and a half years ago.

There have been talks, fights, discussions, etc. Long story short and without revealing personal information she does not want to remain together as two women. I will be forced to close this chapter in my life to open the new one that I want.

Not to mention I want the freedom to find myself. I do not feel that it is fair to her that I place her secondary in my life to rediscover who I am. Really my life as a woman is whole an unknown to me. About the only element I have gotten to do is figure out that I am a girl. I have been able to experience life through eyes different then those I have use thus far.

The difference is I haven't had to monitor everything I did and gotten to see how the outside world responded to it.

With this in mind there is so much to learn about myself and what I want out of life as me. I know something aren't going to change. Items or interests of substance are what they are. Granted I should be able to get the chance to explore other things that I have always wanted to since I won't be avoiding them.

These are all doors that will open up for me.

As for others I have already closed some of them. It doesn't upset me to much as I understand I have outgrown them. It was simply time to move forward.

For the remaining doors they are always up to me if I can keep them open. I may be able to do just that if I can, as some of them I want to keep open if at all possible.

The issue is that it might be others who will close those doors as they will not be able to accept or deal with my function change.

I had a fantastic conversation a few months ago with a woman who had finished her transition quite some time ago. She told me not to expect anything. Those that you think are going to accept it might not. Those that you think won't, will surprise you. There really is no way to tell how it is going to go. Just be yourself since anything can happen.

So here I am with all types of doors in front of me. Some open, some closed.

What happens with them is anybodies guess. Some are going to remain open while others will be closed. Some those that get closed will be by me, for different doors by others.

In certain cases it may be closed by both. Mutually.

This woman also told me that her life was far better now that she had transitioned from what it was before.

All I can hope for is that far more new doors open than close.

Friday, May 7, 2010

Interpreting My Disposition

Something I feel the need to converse about.

This blog is a way for me to explore things I am thinking.

To expound on moods or thoughts that are pervading my psyche

Elements that I articulate here are just things that have bubbled up to the surface.

A thought, idea or concern.

I then take whatever it is and run with it. Letting my creativity sometimes run rampant over it.

There are times where the perception might be that I am in a depressed or an overly melancholy mood due to darker subject matter.

Most of the times I am not.

I noticed this the other day when a friend IM'd me after a few of my more recent postings might have seemed a little bleaker then usual.

I quickly assured her I was indeed fine. To which she noticed I was in one of my more exuberantly silly moods.

I think I could hear the sigh of relief at the other end.

So this is a reminder that this blog could get a little moody from time to time. Really it just reflects things that I feel I need to let out. I might be experiencing whatever it is for five minutes and thus the need to vent it.

This blog is that forum to do so.

The biggest reason is that I don't have a lot of friends as 'him' that I can talk to about me.

Makes things difficult to release or get off my chest which is where this comes in.

Just know that I am generally doing well. I am very positive about my upcoming transition.

Once I am into the heart of the process I will have some other things to talk about.

Right now I am just trying to deal with things as best I can lest they consume me.

Thursday, May 6, 2010

Explaining the Impossible

How do you disclose to someone that the person they have known for so many years wasn't real?

How do you explain to people that that person has to disappear?

How do you reveal who you really are to them?

How do you demonstrate to them that if you don't, you are going to break down or self destruct?

How do you untangle all that you have done until now so that you might find yourself?

How do you illustrate to them that it was never them, but rather you?

How do you deal with the guilt they are going to feel and still move forward?

How do you gain the strength to close doors so that others might open?

How do you destroy someone else's dreams so that you might find your own?

How do you tell someone goodbye?

How do you explain the impossible?

Tuesday, May 4, 2010

In This Case the Glass is Full

I am generally a positive person.

You could say I always think the glass is half full.

Yes I know life can throw a lot of crap your way. I can think of one really big one for myself. I, however choose to feel that I am here, alive, generally well adjusted I can do anything, or at least the best that I can.

Yet for all my positivity I have been fighting depression, moodiness, and anxiety lately.

I am acutely aware that I am not living my life as me. I use the positive that things have been set into motion and that I will get there to keep me sane.

Thus I was challenged on the issue of what if I cannot transition or something goes wrong as I do?

Well I cannot think about that.

First I cannot not transition. I know without a shadow of a doubt now that I will fall apart. I don't know how. I don't know when. But the reality of knowing your problem and not doing anything about it will simply destroy me.

I don't like that thought thus I don't think about it.

While this process might take a while to get there, I can, will and must.

Failure is not an option

Second I know this journey isn't going to be easy and it will have its bumps in the road. I will do what I must to get around them or remove them from the path completely.

I have to completely believe that I can get there even with everything that could go wrong.

Which is why I say the glass is full. For as of right now it is. If it gets jostled, tipped a little or anything else which reduces the amount of water in it so be it. The goal is to end up with a half full glass.

Which means I have succeeded.

If I started out with a half full glass I might not have anything left in it when all this is done.

The thought of that doesn't sit well with me.

Thus the glass is full. I will become the person I want to be. I will be able to live my life they way I want to. I will be able to go out in the world and be nothing more then any other woman in the world.

Wish me luck!

Monday, May 3, 2010

Kelli's To Do List

Wow nothing like filling up the plate again.

Over the next four weeks I have to:

Reschedule telling my parents. Not so easy with Mothers Day coming up not to mention my oldest Nephew's graduation the first week of June. Plus with summer approaching they like to travel a bit more frequently then they do now.

See my HRT doctor again. Along with discuss adding progesterone into the mix. If not I might consider a new doctor. I don't know if it will work but I would like to try adding something to the mix. At least I already got the blood work done.

I fly to Chicago to talk with a surgeon about getting some work done to the face. Again I am trying to be careful here as I don't want to change too much or look over worked. Yet I do want to make some changes.

Finish three posts rolling around in my head.

Did I mention telling my parents?

Get to my seamstress to get a few things altered. Jackets are a tricky thing since I have wider shoulders then the average girl my height and I would like to be able to wear them more often. Plus I have two dresses I need adjusted. I am not perfect.

Decide what I am going to do about my current living situation. I know it cannot last so I best start thinking about it. The time may come sooner rather then later. Might be a good idea to talk to my CU about seeing if they still do pre-approvals and figure out what I can get along with afford without impacting other transition plans.

If the Chicago Doctor doesn't feel like it will work out I am considering a Boston based Doctor. I'll have to get going on that rather quickly.

Contact some attorneys since I feel I am going to need one. This one is not one I am looking forward too.

Attend my Nephew's Graduation, which should prove to be interesting since some parts of his family haven't seen my in almost ten years. Not to mention the fact that my own brother hasn't seen me in three and a half.

I'm not sure I mentioned that I still have to meet with my parents.

Nothing like having to have to do all this in the next month or so.

Saturday, May 1, 2010

Because it just fits my mood

My shadow's
Shedding skin and
I've been picking
Scabs again.
I'm down
Digging through
My old muscles
Looking for a clue.
I've been crawling on my belly
Clearing out what could've been.
I've been wallowing in my own confused
And insecure delusions
For a piece to cross me over
Or a word to guide me in.
I wanna feel the changes coming down.
I wanna know what I've been hiding in
My shadow.
Change is coming through my shadow.
My shadow's shedding skin
I've been picking
My scabs again.
I've been crawling on my belly
Clearing out what could've been.
I've been wallowing in my own chaotic
And insecure delusions.
I wanna feel the change consume me,
Feel the outside turning in.
I wanna feel the metamorphosis and
Cleansing I've endured within
My shadow
Change is coming.
Now is my time.
Listen to my muscle memory.
Contemplate what I've been clinging to.
Forty-six and two ahead of me.
I choose to live and to
Grow, take and give and to
Move, learn and love and to
Cry, kill and die and to
Be paranoid and to
Lie, hate and fear and to
Do what it takes to move through.
I choose to live and to
Lie, kill and give and to
Die, learn and love and to
Do what it takes to step through.
See my shadow changing,
Stretching up and over me.
Soften this old armor.
Hoping I can clear the way
By stepping through my shadow,
Coming out the other side.
Step into the shadow.
Forty six and two are just ahead of me.