Wednesday, September 30, 2009

Kelli went down to Georgia

Ok, so I apologize for not getting this out earlier before I left, but I had a huge crazy insane issue to deal with at work RIGHT before I left. Along with the fact I had to work and queeze in time to pack to leave in very little time. I simply didn't have time to mention that I was heading down to SCC last week.

For those that might be tuning in late I posted a little bit about my first visit last year.

So was this year any different?

Absolutely, in so many new and different ways. As always I reveled in being myself. I simply got to let go and just be. Having one year under my belt allowed me much more freedom along with not being worried about how I would be viewed. I would state as I just didn't care and I was more comfortable in my own skin.

This allowed me to meet and spend time with not only new friends but I met many new and wonderful people. However it never fails that I meet someone who I simply don't get to spend any real time with getting to know them even though I would like to.

And this year wasn't without it pitfalls. I arrived Tuesday night, late, and was so tired from he whirlwind the last three days that I crashed (really I worked 17 hours on Saturday and all day Mon & Tues, flying down Tuesday right after work. I did not pass go and I did not collect $200)

So Wednesday I slept in and was a mess getting myself together, not to mention I had a small incident of something leaking in the suitcase. I decided rather then rush and be a disorganized for the rest of the week I took a deep breath, gathered myself, and took the time to get myself together. Plus I had a friend flying in later in the afternoon it gave me the time I needed before we headed out to the mall later that day. By the time I was done it was lunch and it was time well spent. I straightened everything out regathered my wits and proceeded to have a wonderful rest of the week.

I met some wonderful new friends, even thought they promptly took me out on Wednesday night to a rather nice restaurant and I was in tanks and shorts! Seriously can I at least put something a little better on? lol!

I also got to spend time with a friend of mine I met last year, talked to quite a bit over the year. She was gractious and accomidating enough to me to stomp around downtown Atlanta. As much as I can thank her I'm not sure she will ever understand just how much that meant to me. Visting CNN, the Georgia Aquarium, Coke a Cola, and even local art museum. This was all an exprience and a half for me as had a wonderful time, no issues (though I know a few people figure out my function) nothing was said or done.

(Another side, I highly recommend CNN and the aquairum. They are well worth the trips.)

The semniars I wanted to attend where as always very informative. My big goal this year was the facial surgeons, it is one thing I feel that 'gives' me away and would prevent my living my life as I would want to is it this issue. I don't feel I need a lot of work or agressive changes, but some features can be softenend and those should be a big boon to my psyche.

Along with that I got to talk to several companies during the career fair and three of them were disappointed I wasn't actively looking for a job at that moment. I'm not, but staying employeed was/is a big issue for me. All three of them were open to not only my being trans but even helping me transition on the job. Not a single issue with them. This was a huge sigh of relief and I feel so much better about my chances of living a sucessful life not only after tranition but even during.

Then it was just all the people I met and enjoyed their company. One thing stands out in my mind, simply because it impacted me so greatly later. I had the fortune to be at a table on saturday night with quite a few transexual woman who in all cases were transitioned fully. They were warm and welcoming and I can't thank them enough. The feeling that struck me later (in the car driving home from the airport no less. Crying and driving, I don't recommend it.) was the fact that here were these amazing women, being themselves, being women. No apologise, no worries, they just were.

This hit me like a ton of bricks when I thought about it the following day that there was all these women how have suceeded and I felt like an outsider to a degree who worried that I would never reach my goal of being just like them.


All in all it was a fantastic and amazing time. It is my goal to make it every year. Don't know if I will but I will try. Even after a completed transition. If nothing more then my presence there to affirm to those like me(now) that yes it can indeed be done. Just like I saw when viewing those wonderful women that night.

Tuesday, September 22, 2009

'My Gay'

and other antidotes overheard in the ladies bathroom.

This last Saturday I wanted to get out. As you all know(at least I hope you do) I don't live my life full time in the correct gender.

(Don't worry there are hurdles to overcome but these I have learned will take time. Patience grasshopper.)

So I took the time to put myself together and enjoy an evening out. I also have made a few friends who are regular attendees so there is always someone to talk to.

Now I kept it simple, I simply had on some flattering jeans, cute asymmetrical purple top, and some cute black strappy heels.

Again it has never been about the clothes for me. I can do flash and styling or jeans and a tee if I wanted, but in an effort to find a comfort zone with what I see in the mirror to what I feel in my head, I do keep them feminine.

(Remember I am trying to override what nature has done to me without over compensating. I just want to see the right reflection in the mirror cause when I do everything seems right with the world.)

All in all it was a good evening, did some dancing, ran into number of friends, and just enjoyed being myself with no thoughts or cares in the world. Along with not having to worry that the world might be offended by my presence.

I simply get to be me and not worry about anything else.

Now to the reason for this post was at one point in the night I had to use the ladies room. I mean come on, we are all human beings no matter what the gender. We have all have deal with nature calling.

But as I was in there doing my business I got to over hear a conversation between a cisgender girl and a Trans (I didn't know this person so won't comment on their status, i.e. she could have just been someone who labels themselves as a crossdresser. So I will use it as a blanket label for this discussion.)

The cis girl spoke up and asked, polite, "Can I ask you a question?" To which the reply was yes.

So she then asks something along the lines of, why do you dress up like this, why do you do it at all? I cannot recall the exact words since I was a little preoccupied at the time. (Really I had to pee, sheesh!)

The response was a little muted so as best I could make out exactly what the trans person's reply was. I think she said something along the lines of she like to do it, plus she sometimes felt this is who she really was. But that it was only a part time thing for her.

To which the Cis girl replied came out along the lines of "Oh so you get all the benefits of being a girl without having to put up with the hormones."

Now I am not sure what to think about this statement. Really I don't. Is it the emotional thing? I've always had my emotions on and running around in my head. Most people would have said I was an overly emotional/sensitive man. But I learned to hide them. To hold them back and wait until I had a private moment to let them release. I can't say I always succeeded but I got good at it. Not to mention that to me, honestly, that is more painful and self destructive then letting them out and having people tease you about it.

So there I was in the potty eaves dropping on this conversation, pondering the very question when her (cis) had her phone ring. To which she declared: "Oh this is my Gay!"

My Gay?

Now I am not clueless I am aware quite a few woman have a gay friend. From what I have been told they like the idea that they can talk to a man and not feel the pretentiousness of a straight guy who might only be listening to them to get somewhere with the girl in question. I know this appeals to me as well since I hang out in largely gay environment. Trust me if I have learned anything on the other side of the fence is that men really, really, really don't know how to approach women. Or even have a conversation with them.

But the idea of having your own pocket gay or sounding so possessive about him? Really? He is a person. Not your puppie dog or something else like that. Do they come with papers?

I'm not trying to make fun of gay people at all here. I am just trying to give you an idea of what she sounded like to me.

It blew my mind.

It was at this point I decided to finish up my business, wash my hands and get out of dodge. I really wanted to not partake in this conversation. It just sounded like something I didn't want to get involved with.

But it is amazing what you overhear in there. ;)

Wednesday, September 9, 2009

I only play one on Television

In the whole process of coming to terms with who and what I am, I have discovered a lot about myself.

The one thing that amazes me recently is how well I compartmentalized my mind to allow it to function the way I needed it.

Or the way people expected it to function.


In other words I learn to take those feeling, thoughts, etc and box them away into tight, dark, and securely locked corners of my head. Thus if I didn't think about it in the first place I wouldn't have to check my words or action so tightly.*

That doesn't mean it didn't happen, I just learned what not to say and do so well over the years it's become second nature almost to know immediately to ignore some thought passing by rather then blurt it out and cause eyebrows to raise. (which isn't to say it didn't happen from time to time. I just managed to avoid it from happening for the most part.)

Until now.

As I strip down the barriers, open the doors. I find these thoughts right at the front again. In a lot of cases it will be the first thing I think of. I still manage to catch myself before I do something foolish. As I am still early on in the transition process. He has to still exist for the most part.

I now see myself dealing with more of "ok how would he answer this". Fortunately my sense of humor, which has always been silly, goofy, yet sarcastic and snarky. Isn't changing. Honestly that is one of the biggest reasons I was able to survive for as long as I did and be able to function. I totally relied on my sense of humor to carry me though most situations throughout most of my life.

'Laugh and the world laughs with you.'

It's just now more then ever I feel I am playing a part on a daily basis and I long to drop the facade quite often and just be myself.

I also find it a wonderful release when I am able to do so.

Which makes it all that much more amazing when I think about how powerful the mind is. But it also saddens me to know that for so many years how much I was oppressing myself.

*I learned to push other aspects of my personality forward since people would expect those traits. Fortunately some of those traits run in the family including in the girls.