Friday, October 10, 2008

Finding Kelli

So this October I took a big step. Well at least a big step for me.

In my journey to figure myself out I decided to attend SCC. (For those that don't know it is the largest transgendered conference in the US. It takes place every year around the end of September or Early October. You can find more about it here:

I arrived late Wednesday and did not leave until early Sunday morning. After getting to the hotel and spending a few minutes unpacking while waiting for room service (I was hungry ok). The next 81 hours were spent as me. Eat, Sleep, Conference, Mall. I spent it as who I truly think I am.

So what did I find?

Well for one thing I didn't mind the routine. I got up, got ready, got dressed, went down stair for a quick bite, then off to where ever I was going. Not once did I think about my gender, I just simply was. It didn't matter that as a girl I had more to do, I never got tired of it. I am not quite sure how to explain it.

On top of that I just existed. I didn't feel the dysphoria, I didn't feel out of place. I didn't feel at war with myself to be something I am not.

The worst part of the trip was Sunday morning. No it wasn't packing the clothes away. This has never been about the clothes. Maybe when I was much younger I thought it was (or at least tried to pass off the feelings I had as such). But packing wasn't the issue.

No, it was the moment I realize I was going to have to do that final clean up, hit the shower and present the world with the person it expects to see. I felt like I was about to amputate one of my limbs. Morbid I know, but it is the best analogy I can think of. I sat in the big lounge chair in my room for 40 minutes, trying to come to terms with this and put the girl away. It wasn't easy.

The most interesting thing I had happen to me, was regarding all the people who asked me how far along I was in my transition. A lot of eyebrows shot up when I surprised them by saying I hadn't started and that I was still figuring it all out. Seriously, I got this from other trans, natal and everyone in between.

I am giving myself some time since the trip to come down off the cloud, to allow for some reality to sink in, before I rush any decisions. I am however finding that my dysphoria is even harder to deal with now. I am realizing more and more I just want to be me even though much of society might think I am crazy/wrong/sinning/whatever for feeling this way.

I will say this before I close this post. I did meet a number of wonderful people and simply had one of the best times of my life. I certainly intend to return next year.


Rebecca said...

Kelli, I'm so happy you had such a wonderful, self-affirming time! And the friends - girl, I know what you mean!! I'm still close with a handful of girls I met at CA Dreamin' last year. You didn't happen to meet my wonderful friends Lizzie and Leah, did you?

I truly felt for you, as I read about the difficult with putting Kelli away. I went through that same thing after the 4 days I spent as Rebecca at Dreamin'. I actually entered a fairly deep depression for several days, as I worked past through the extreme reintroduction of dysphoria into my life. It does get easier, with time. And once you go full-time - wow, just wow. Love ya, girl!! Maybe I'll be able to join you there next year.

Kelli Ann Bennett said...

Thank you again Becca. I can't tell how nice it is that someone is reading this.

As for your friends I can't say I recall meeting a Liz or Leah from Cali. At least I am assuming they are from Cali.

Oh and it only has gotten worse. But I am putting a post together about that.

And yes if you do make it out next year hopefully we can met and do a little girl talk. The dates are already in my calender.