Thursday, September 30, 2010

Dinner with Mom: The Return

I am fairly sure I mentioned that I am now having dinner with my Mom once a month.

Last night was another one of those.

We talked about all types of things, being trans, how I present myself to the world, SCC, my fabulous friend some old and some new.

We even discussed my upcoming FFS surgery.

I am working with a Doctor in Boston to figure out financing options for it right now along with schedule. I have been talking to my boss about extended time off in February (or March) of next year. My goal is to use personal and vacation time so I don't exhaust either completely. As this particular event will require the most time off right now.

So it is mostly up in the air as to when exactly, I am trying to have that settled by the end of October.

My Mom, however told me rather matter of fact, that I will not be going alone. She would pay her airfare and meals, but she was not going to let me be by myself through this.

She was starting to push a bit on certain topics and bringing up some things that probably didn't need to be discussed. Which is when I had to get her off those topics.

I have also been told that my Brother is in the process of moving to a new location. So I am to hold of telling him just yet while they get him moved and resettled. Early November is what we are looking at right now. I was already warned this was coming so it wasn't really a surprise.

We also had to deal with my obnoxious older sister who felt it was necessary to make her presence known with a few texts while I was with Mom. She is always so jealous of the fact that mom likes me better.

(No she isn't my real sister, just my adopted one. She knows who she is and I still love her dearly. The texts were actually super sweet and cute. If a little snotty.)

It was actually kind of nice as my mom read what she wrote along with gave me something to reply with.

Texting is not one of my Mom's strong points.

We talked about my Dad and how it will be a slow process but Mom hopes that once he see who I really am it might open him up a little faster. We don't know, but understand this could take some serious time.

What really surprised me was how much she knew something was going on for years. We really dug into that and I was shocked how much she wanted me to come out with whatever it was that was bothering me. She just didn't see me as happy anymore.

Interesting footnote, I met her for dinner right after work so I was in so called boy mode. I got ma'am the entire time I was with her and mom didn't even flinch.

It was a productive talk and while I still have to be careful with mom, it is nice to have one parent supporting me and willing to talk.

I don't feel so alone anymore.

Wednesday, September 29, 2010

My New Addiction

Well maybe it isn't something new. Maybe more of a new way to lose myself in it.

Besides reading, decorating, shoes and clothing, along with music, my other passion is cooking.

Yeah, I know how can the skinny girl like food so much and still look like I do.

One word. Leftovers!

Don't eat it all in one sitting.

Now I don't watch a whole lot of television. I have a small handful of shows I do watch but for the most part I just don't sit down and do it.

I have however found a new way to feed my cooking addiction and waste time in front of the TV.

Not good.

The last thing I want to do is become a couch potato and end up putting all that hard fought weight loss back on.

Diligence will be key here.

So will the treadmill and a lot of walking. :D

But what has me excited?

The Food Network which has some of my favorite shows, Good Eats (Alton Brown is the absolute best!!), Grill it with Bobby Flay (Great show he actually grills with real people and focuses on a style or recipe that they are famous for.), Semi Homemade with Sandra Lee. (She has some awesome shortcuts.) Everyday Italian with Giada Delaurentiis. (ok so I love Italian food. I do make my own homemade sauce.)

Not to mention Iron Chef is always a fun watch, though I seem to prefer the older Japanese version. Still they are both good.

However they seem to have dropped a lot of the good primetime cooking shows in favor or the reality ones. Chopped, Chef vs City, Cupcake wars, The next food network star, etc.

These are just not my cup of tea. I want to see people teaching me how to cook. Dedicated to adding ideas and new techniques to what I already know.

The network did something great however. They started the Cooking Channel.

And I love it!!!!!

It has the shows I want to see, Tyler Florence is easy to find again. Rachel Allen: Bake! (OMG one of my new favorite shows!!!) Chucks Day Off (I really like what he cooks). Jamie Oliver's Jamie at home. And a cool concept with Ask Aida with Aidia Mollenkamp. Where they take view mail and answer questions while cooking.

There was a girl who was doing an interesting Mexican show but I didn't catch the name and I haven't been able to find it again.

It has gotten bad though, I have it on almost daily. It was about all I watched in the background this last Sunday as I roasted a chicken for the week along with made a strawberry rhubarb cobbler with homemade whipped cream.

Yeah that last one isn't diet friendly so I don't make it very often and I share.

That and it will be salads all week for lunch. :D

One thing I learned is I will have to invest in an immersion blender one of these days.

Still I hope this channel can get enough ratings to stay a float as I absolutely love it.

For those that don't have a TV system that broadcast this channel, I also highly recommend the quarterly publication Cooks Illustrated. Excellent source of recipes and information. The fantastic part is they cover not only the details of a recipe but how they arrived at it. Meaning if they were unsure of how to make it, they discuss the process they went through to achieve what they wanted to make. Even talking about the missteps.

This gives you a lot of insight of what to do and not to do. The other great part is they often have several alternate versions of the same recipe in case you cannot find certain ingredients in your area or maybe don't have all the equipment on hand.

It is well worth the investment for those that love to cook.

Did I mention yet that I do?

Monday, September 27, 2010

One of These is Not Like the Others

Following along many of you should know that I am not full time yet.

In fact I spend most of my time in boy mode sadly.

The hard part about that fact is how much harder it has become.

I mean really, my hair is starting to touch my shoulders. I have no facial hair anymore or at least at all visible. So I do a lot with clothing. As for my hair I part it in the middle and try to blow dry it to sweep back over my ears. Though it does hang a little loose. I hate using too much gel to plaster it down.

Plus it isn't long enough yet to effectively wear it in a pony tail pulled back. Close but not quite.

Add in how much my face has softened and changed I can only imagine what other are thinking.

What does all this have to do with this post?

I am about to tell you.

It deals with the men's room.

I have never really been comfortable with public ones. Yet nature is going to call. Especially when you are on Spironolactone and wanting to...well...go a LOT!! (It has been the only negative side affect I have experienced.)

Fortunately here at work I am on the first floor of the auxiliary building.

Which means other then the datacenter, small cafeteria, lobby and conference rooms, the only people on this level is the IT department.

Which is only twenty people. Oh, and the security desk.

Meaning I can get in and out quickly doing my business and generally not have to encounter anyone.

I might hate going in there but I would rather take care of things then do anything else.

Even if I get company it is someone from the department and nothing really happens.

Today though we had an incident.

I had gone in to do my business, was finished, had washed my hands, and was drying them. Before I could leave, what I can only describe as a building visitor walked in. Now when you come in you head to either the left to the sink (where I was) or right to the commodes. He glanced to his left, saw me. Which caused it to jump with his eyes popping out of his head. Leading to the following exchange.

"OMG!! Have I walked into the ladies room?"

(Now I was startled, though I realized quite quickly what was going on)

"Um, no you are in the right one."

(Looking at me again.)

"Are you sure?"

"Yes, quite sure."

I started going for the door. (I was done at this point.)

"Wow that hair and face...(he was looking around the other corner at this point obviously trying to make sure he was indeed in the right washroom.)

"Yeah, I get that a lot, but you are in the right one."

Said as I headed out the door. I really didn't want to stick around any longer and hopefully he relaxed. I would hate to see him out of sorts with his meeting or whatever while he was there.

I guess this confirms what others have said to me lately about my so called boy mode. Including my therapist. That I am really not passing very well as a boy.

A reaction like this, however was a first.

Life is becoming really interesting.

Saturday, September 25, 2010

The Name Game

If you recall this rather old post almost a year ago I was deliberating my name.

Yes, Kelli wasn't going to go anywhere. There was just that issue with the last name.

Earlier this year my mom and I starting emailing to be able to discuss what was happening more after I had come out to her.

In one of the early emails she asked if I had chosen a name.

Which I had.

She never really replied back after I told her. Which scared me since I was very nervous to tell her and what her reaction to the name would be.

Well I forgot to tell you what happen.

I do apologize but life has been crazy busy. I have been working to get the project wrapped up ahead of schedule. Not to mention doing consulting work on the side to earn a little extra cash. With a little traveling thrown in.

Well I found out happened when I had dinner with her last month. [Editors note: I am now having dinner with her once a month. Schedules permitting.]

At one point she stopped me and told me she want to ask about the name I chose.

"Ok what do you want to know?"

"Well how did you arrive at it?"

"Oh well I ended up putting a few names in a hat, so to speak, and I pulled one out."

(I had put in Kellie, Veronica, Heather, Rachel, Amy, and I think one other but I cannot recall. There were a few that I had written down and just didn't like so they were cut before the final choice.)

"Kellie was the one that came out. I was spelling it that way because I never really liked it spelled as 'Kelly'. I eventually saw someone who spelled it 'Kelli' and liked it better that way and dropped the 'e'."

"Well I like it, I think it fits you."

*HUGE sigh of relief*

"What about your last name?"

"Well for privacy reasons I started using Bennett, since it went well with my name and early on I wasn't sure about using my actual last name since it gets recognized so easily. That and transition was still up in the air. I was unsure what I was going to do when the time comes."

"Can I ask you to keep yours for now, I understand you could get married at some point and it would change, but I would like you to keep it for now."

.0002 seconds later, and because Mom asked so nicely.


"Now did you have a middle name?"

"Oh! Well I had been using Ann since it fit with Bennett but that was not set in stone at all."

"Would you let me choose it?"

"Wow! Do you want to?"


"Then sure."

"I think it would be nice if you used Marie."

"Kelli Marie <Lastname>?"

"Yes I think it has a nice sound to it and works well for you, plus I like the fact I got to pick part of your name."

"Then that is what I will do."

And that everyone, is how my name got chosen. I could tell Mom wanted to be a part of it so I was touched she gave me a middle name to go with my last name which I am going to use since she asked.

Thus Kelli Marie it is. Those that know me and read this blog know what the last name is.

I am sure they can put it all together.

All I have to do now is change it officially when the time comes.

Thursday, September 23, 2010

Gotta Love Him: Part II

You might recall this conversation that I had just before my out of town trip?

If not I suggest you get yourself up to date so that the rest of this post makes sense.



So what happened?

Let's just say he majorily owes me one.


He sent me a text shortly after I started getting ready notifying me that the plans had changed and we were meeting at his house.

I told him no problem and that I would be ready in about an hour.

When I got to his door we had the following exchange.

"OMG you look amazing as always! But we aren't going out."

"Um when were you going to tell me this?"

"I did when I sent you my text."

"No you said; 'change of plans come here instead', which only told me that we were all gather here instead of meeting at the bar."

"Oh dear, no I meant that we were not going out and that we are having a bonfire here and plenty of snacks and drinks."

"Well you could have mentioned this, as I was still under the impression that we were still going out."

"I am soo sorry!"

"Lol no big deal I don't mind the bonfire, I am just a little over dressed."

He apologized again, he is lucky that my taste in clothing is rather mainstream. I was in jeans, as usual, with just a cute top and heels on. Granted heels and grass lawns don't exactly mix, it was ok as I didn't have to do a lot of standing outside. I do give him credit he quickly offered a sweatshirt for me to use so I wouldn't get cold. As living up here in September can cause you to experience any type of weather at a moments notice.


The temp actually had dipped to be in the low 60s with a strong cool wind and eventually a little rain later in the night.

Still even though I was over dressed I had a ton of fun. I got to hang with B (one of my favorite peeps), his cousin C, total sweetie, B's Boyfriend (who gets quite obnoxious when drinking), two of his other gay friends, and then two of B's HS friends. M and MK who are both cis girls.

This is where the really interesting part comes in.

At one point in the evening B had slipped back into the house to refresh a few drinks. His friend MK went in shortly after to use the bathroom.

Nothing unusual.

Well later after several people had left to head home for the night. B pulled me into a side room to chat. He knows I don't publicly tell people I am Trans, so he doesn't mention it in front of others and he had something to tell me.

"OMG!! You are not going to believe this!"


"Do you remember when MK came into the house while I was in here?"


"Well she stopped me before I came out to ask me about you?"

[Editors Note: It is important to know that while I wasn't divulging my entire life history outside, I was engaging in polite conversation and telling a little about myself. Generally speaking of course.]

"Oh really? What did you tell her?"

"Nothing like that, but let me tell you this. First, she totally wanted more information from me about you. She totally did not know that you were trans and completely viewed you as competition. So she was trying to find out more about you. Second, She was completely baffled as to how I met a girl as hot as you at a gay bar."

"Wow! Really?"

"Lol this is rather new to you isn't it?"

"Duh, B I am still firmly in the process of transitioning."

"You know that still totally amazes me, because I know you haven't had any work done yet. But, wow Kelli, every time I see you I can't believe you are anything but a girl. You act like one, you sound like one, and for goodness sake you sure do look like one. I still have a hard time believing that figure of yours is natural."

"Awww, thanks B. It is all me however. I will admit I do have a lot to learn about what living as a girl is like. I never got to do it before."

He chuckled at me and we chatted about a few more things before it was my time to leave, else I turn into a pumpkin.

It should be noted too that MK was a very pretty twenty something who, apparently was, jealous of my looks. I guess I will never get used to that.

Being the sweetheart that he is B walked me to my car just to make sure I was safe.

I love that boy.

Wednesday, September 22, 2010

Administrative Item #2

My Brother.

This one is the most difficult to read. I am not kidding.

My bother, for lack of a better description, is very macho.

He was a body builder, hunter, fisherman, ice hockey nut. He lives, eats, and breaths the outdoors. I cannot describe him better then using the term super manly.

Which also plays a factor in how to tell him. After his divorce, he moved to a very rural part of the state. It would be a trip that would total 14 hours one way, if done by car. Flying isn't much better as I would have to make three hops just to get to an airfield that is close.

He, like my mother, can be opinionated and difficult. However he is worse then she is, by far. He can be incredible difficult when he wants to be. Along with supremely stubborn. He can also be quite bigoted about certain things.

Not to mention extremely self centered.

I have a famous story about him getting mad a me for taking a trip to a location he has always wanted to go. He happen to call while I was packing and once he found out where I was going and when, promptly said goodbye and hung up.

I did not speak to him for almost six months he was that upset about it.

Still he has always been an excellent brother. He taught me a lot of things. Introduced me to things and ideas that I might not otherwise have been expected encounter had I actually been a girl. Along with always protective of me when it came to bullies and other issues growing up.

It does give me a very unique background.

My mother and I discussed it this past weekend. Her suggestion was to take the letter I wrote for Her and Dad, change it for my Brother, and read it to him over the phone.

This seems like a good idea. First the letter is fairly generic about explaining things. I will have to change a few paragraphs that were more focus on my parents but I can alter them for my brother.

Also I like the fact that this is going to be so hard to say that if I have the words scripted I stand a better chance of getting though it all without forgetting something or just creating confusion.

Since I don't really have any better ideas, really face to face isn't feasible at all, I think it is the best approach. Along with having it written down so I know I can get it out.

My Mom just asked that I warn here when I am ready and plan on telling him since She wants to make sure She is available for him to talk to. She knows he is probably going to call almost as soon as I get of the phone with him.

My plan as of right now is to get the letter altered (as I have mentioned I have been super busy) within the next couple of weeks and then try to pin him down.

This one out of all of them is going to be very interesting.

Tuesday, September 21, 2010

Lost in the Wild

No I haven't forgotten about this blog.

Quite the opposite actually.

Things just have me so busy it isn't even funny.

It looks like I will be working every weekend from now until the middle of November.

I told you I had a large project that was going to take considerable amounts of my time and energy.

There are also have some rather large life changing issues that will be occurring.

This has had me going non stop since I got back from Atlanta.

I have notes jotted down for six posts, two are almost written. The others will get done just as soon as I can find some free time.

Yeah, not sure what is right now. If you have any extra please pass it along my way.

Though if it isn't free I don't want it.

Hopefully I will have something soon.

Thursday, September 16, 2010

The Dark Side

"Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to Suffering." --Yoda

I could never had imagine how true those words would be when I first heard them. Granted I think that was I was around eight or nine when I first heard them.

Today I see a side of them I never thought I would.

You hear, read or watch a lot of stories about other transgender people. Usually Transsexual in nature. Where the discord be comes so great that they start to hurt themselves. Sometimes it self mutilation, substance abuse, recklessness, and even suicide attempts.

I always understood the issue I just never understood the why.

Until today.

It is hatred. Pure and simple hatred.

Now I am not sure if the quote I gave above is how someone reached that point. It could and probably quite often started as fear. Moving through the rest of those emotions.

It could have also just started somewhere in the middle but ultimately one ends up hating. Themselves, society, family, their situation, etc. Usually though I imagine it is directed at themselves.

It is the only one of those things that they truly have control over.

Terrifying when you think about it.

Yet I now understand why.

You hate the thing, person, existence that is you. Though not really you. You come to loathe and despise it with such venom and rage that you actively want to destroy it.

Sadly that means you end up destroying yourself.

I am not going to say I am at risk for anything happening. You can put your mind at ease regarding that. I don't want to walk down that road. I feel that I have too much to live for. A promise of a life where I don't hate myself.

Because let me tell you how much I do right now.

It isn't me either.

It is 'Him'.

I want nothing more then to see him wiped out of existence. His decision and actions have lead me to a place I do not want to be. He also forces me to be trapped in a world I don't want. That of a man.

I am not sure what triggered it but this past week has been so stressful after I got back that I have been shocked at what I have been feeling and thinking.

He needs to go. Now.

I know it can't happen that fast. That I need to hold on a bit longer. That and I will fight these feels as hard as I can. I simply don't like having them.

Today though I better understanding of why the bad things happen. These emotions can become quite powerful and frightening in their absoluteness.

For the first time in a long time I am scared.

Hopefully I will be able to stop there.

I have to persevere.

Monday, September 13, 2010

Bittersweet Symphony

Just in case you haven't been paying attention. Yes, you in the back who fell asleep while I was gone, it is now time to wake up and pay attention.

SCC has always been an interesting time for me, both years.

Granted, as I mentioned last week, I wasn't planning on attending this one.

It ended up being the best thing I could have done for myself.

I really didn't even do much with the conference officially other then the dinner Saturday night.

I spent more time socializing and enjoying the company of old friends. Not to mention I was hardly at the hotel.

The best part was not only the old friends that I was so happy to see and spend time with Kathy, Gina, Joann, Kristin, and Lauren. There were the wonderful new friends that I got to meet. The other Kelly, Brittney (love this girl) and of course finally meeting Laura and her spouse, since those two have come to mean so much more to me.

More then the previous two years I have learned that I am totally not alone anymore. That I have friend who like me for who I am and that I thoroughly enjoy spending time with.

Some of them were incredible hard to say goodbye to.

I even got a chance to meet my voice coach in person as all my session have been done via video conferencing.

In the end I am more than glad I spent the money and went. It truly amazes me how much being there still changes my world.

The only down side is the realization of how much I was already missing everyone as I was leaving. I, at least, had Brittney to accompany me on the trip to the airport. Still it was very hard to send her off to her gate.

It just bothers me that some of my favorite people have to live so far from me. It would be so much better if I could at least have the ability to spend with some of these people more often.

It is what it is, wonderful and sad all at the same time.

I just know that my life is better for having met them and now consider them important friends.

Hopefully we will be able to see each other again next year as I miss them all terribly right now. 

Tuesday, September 7, 2010

On A Whim

Just because I can. I am a woman after all.

The past two years I have attended the Southern Comfort Conference in Atlanta.

While I am haven't been shy about my issues with the Trans community as a whole. I still found this conference to be invaluable for me.

The first year I was there I learned and discovered so much about myself even though I was nervous, scared and even had a moment of panic, it was still a wondrous experience for me.

There is also a crazy 'the dress' story I tell from that event.

Most importantly were the friends I met. You recall S & J I tell you about? Well I met that J down there the first year. Only to find out we were both lived in my home state.

Others too, even more important to me, but sadly not local.

Last year was even more amazing as I had broken free of the nerves and uncertainty which allowed me to just be myself.

This year with everything going on I was unsure if I could make it, afford it or needed to use the time for other things.

However with work wavering back and forth on if I could even take time off then I left it open, but still thought I wasn't intending to go.

I knew I was going to miss seeing my friends.

I just figured I would get through it and I knew I intended to be back someday.

Thus I had essentially written off making the trip this year.

That has all changed.

I had a rotten week last week with work, home and other things. I was fighting feelings of all different types. When it suddenly hit me just how much I was going to miss my friends.

Not to mention the chance of meeting someone new and very dear to my heart for the first time. As she also lives out of my home state yet has become one of my closest friends.

It all boiled up and I realized I need some time for me and more importantly spend time with people I care about and whom care about me.

The real question was could I book anything this late. Along with not having to pay an arm and a leg.

After much internet scouring along with several calls to the hotel I got lucky.

The hotel had a room free up at the last minute and after several online searches I got airfare for a really reasonable price.

That means this week I head on down to Atlanta, GA and hope to grab some much needed me time along with getting a boost from friends that I have not seen in a year.

And one I have never seen at all.

It should be interesting and fun all rolled into one.

Monday, September 6, 2010

Oddly Located Inspirations

As you know I recently was out of town on vacation.

While I will not divulge any major details there is one small thing I want to share.

On the last day I was gone I had wandered to a small hole in the wall cafe for breakfast.

Really it was down behind two other buildings and you had to walk through an alley to get there.

Totally worth it as the food was really good and it wasn't far from the hotel.

What made this place really stand out was not the food however. It was the decor.

On all the walls inside customers had written words or phrases, maybe signed their name or drew a little character. The cafe actually will supply you with a Sharpe to accomplish this if you feel the need to express yourself in similar fashion.

It was super cool and one of the neatest things I had ever seen.

What really made me take notice was the set of words that stood out to me as my eyes scanned about the room trying to take them all in.

"Life is too short to wake up in the morning with regrets. So love the people who treat you right and forget about the ones who don't. And believe that everything happens for a reason. If you get a chance take it. If it changes your life, let it. Nobody said it would be easy."

Strong enough words that I wrote them down. Not to mention they were on the heels of a magnet I had purchased earlier in the week.

"What would you attempt to do if you knew you could not fail?"

Amazing what you will find when walking about the world.

Or eating is a small cafe two thousand miles from home.

Thursday, September 2, 2010

Gotta Love Him





"Totally! How are you doing babe?"

"Good, but even better now that I am talking to you. What's up?"

"Cool, so you are probably wondering why I am calling?"

"Well if it isn't to ask me to be the mother of your children, then no, I haven't a clue."

"Lol, no. Not that you and I wouldn't make really good looking kids."

"Suck up!"

"You know it, anyways I was wondering if you were busy this Friday."

"Hmmmm. Not really, I had nothing planned."

"Do you remember my cousin C?"

"Of course!"

"Well she is coming into town this weekend and we both wanted to know if you were free Friday night?"


(Why I am still amazed people like me I'll never know. Maybe it is the fear that if the find out they won't anymore. Not that is an issue with B, at least, he knows.)

"Yes really, we like hanging out with you."

"Well then I am totally free, did you know where we are going?"

"Not yet she is getting in late and I wasn't sure if that would bother you."

"It doesn't bother me at all, pick as spot that works for the two of you, if it is on your side of town I'll meet you at your place. If not I'll meet you where ever it is, just tell me. Just text me a location and time."

"Great, I'll let you know once I talk to her more and text the info to you."

"Wonderful looking forward to it."

"See you then beautiful."

"You are such a tease."

"I know, I cannot help it. Chiao!"


And that is how it came to be that I am going out with B and his cousin C. These two are fast becoming two of my favorite people.

I'll spill the details when I have them.

Sometimes it is great to be me!!

Wednesday, September 1, 2010

At Arms Length

I have mentioned in the past that there are portions of the trans community I don't necessarily get along with.

But this post isn't about that.


It is about the online community.

Lately I have been reading a lot of different opinions that have not sat well with me.

I understand people can look at the Trans issue from a lot of different angles. It just seems to me there are far too many opinions about who should or shouldn't transition. Who is what type of Trans person, Crossdresser, etc.

I also recently read a comment about those that don't consider life after Transition.

I have.

Though it is largely unknown to me what I will do. I do hope that it will be better and I will be able to find some idea of what I want to do with myself. There is going to be a lot to learn and discover.

However I make no pretense that my life will be euphoric or ideal. I am Trans, I know this. The feeling is that life will still try to make things interesting or test me, but I should feel better able to make a good sound decision. Since I won't be so concerned about doing it a certain way. As the slogan goes I will be able to 'just do it'.

It also appears that even though the mantra of this community is that society at large feels they need to place a label on everything and put in nice neat little boxes. They in fact, it shouldn't.

I agree with this.

Though it seems this very community that feels this way tries to place people inside the community into it own neat little boxes.

I find that disconcerting.

A well known Trans speaker once make the point in a talk she was holding, is that we all get to this point in our life's via different paths. Granted some are eerily similar, there are a lot of different smaller steps that might or might not get taken in between.

I agree with this.

I refuse to not be something simply because I am transitioning later in life or that I am taking some different steps to get there. Maybe I feel certain steps should happen before others. Even though I feel they are all important. It is just that I can't do them all at once.

Not to mention all the they said, you said bickering I have seen regarding all of this.

Really, I am done with it I need a break.

I know who I am, I know what I need to do to realize some type of normal life as me with the chance for a little happiness.

I also know what I can no longer be. One way or another I will get there.

All I am really trying to say is I feel the online community has become a bit too much to bear. No I am not going to stop posting or anything like that. As things happen I will post about them and discuss.

I am just reducing the amount of online drivel I have been coming across. There are a few rather important bloggers I will follow. I will even post a few comments here and there. Still I have already removed a lot of feeds from my news reader. I will still grab info as I need and read important articles when it is pertinent to me.

In the mean time I just going to step away from the seemingly toxic environment I feel I am sensing right now.