Thursday, September 16, 2010

The Dark Side

"Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to Suffering." --Yoda

I could never had imagine how true those words would be when I first heard them. Granted I think that was I was around eight or nine when I first heard them.

Today I see a side of them I never thought I would.

You hear, read or watch a lot of stories about other transgender people. Usually Transsexual in nature. Where the discord be comes so great that they start to hurt themselves. Sometimes it self mutilation, substance abuse, recklessness, and even suicide attempts.

I always understood the issue I just never understood the why.

Until today.

It is hatred. Pure and simple hatred.

Now I am not sure if the quote I gave above is how someone reached that point. It could and probably quite often started as fear. Moving through the rest of those emotions.

It could have also just started somewhere in the middle but ultimately one ends up hating. Themselves, society, family, their situation, etc. Usually though I imagine it is directed at themselves.

It is the only one of those things that they truly have control over.

Terrifying when you think about it.

Yet I now understand why.

You hate the thing, person, existence that is you. Though not really you. You come to loathe and despise it with such venom and rage that you actively want to destroy it.

Sadly that means you end up destroying yourself.

I am not going to say I am at risk for anything happening. You can put your mind at ease regarding that. I don't want to walk down that road. I feel that I have too much to live for. A promise of a life where I don't hate myself.

Because let me tell you how much I do right now.

It isn't me either.

It is 'Him'.

I want nothing more then to see him wiped out of existence. His decision and actions have lead me to a place I do not want to be. He also forces me to be trapped in a world I don't want. That of a man.

I am not sure what triggered it but this past week has been so stressful after I got back that I have been shocked at what I have been feeling and thinking.

He needs to go. Now.

I know it can't happen that fast. That I need to hold on a bit longer. That and I will fight these feels as hard as I can. I simply don't like having them.

Today though I better understanding of why the bad things happen. These emotions can become quite powerful and frightening in their absoluteness.

For the first time in a long time I am scared.

Hopefully I will be able to stop there.

I have to persevere.


Diana said...

Take heart! If you've figured this out before you've started destroying yourself you're well ahead of the game.

The fear is just a sign that you're coming to terms with the immensity of what you're undertaking. Don't let it deter you. Once again... you're a step ahead here.

Stace said...

As Diana said if you've reached this point before doing anything then that can only be a good thing.

I'd also say the fear is a good thing - it means that you are thinking about what you are doing, and the consequencies (both good and bad!)


Kelli Bennett said...

Please no one panic. I am not about to do anything at all. I know it is a very good thing that I recognize this. It is just the first time I have felt these types of emotions so acutely that I understand what might motivate a person to do something horrible. It is rather scary to feel it myself.

I am not afraid of transition, I am afraid of not transitioning. That is what is generating these. I just never thought I would experience things like this first hand.

It has been a rough few days and I just needed to vent them. It is what this blog is for.

Laura Bennett said...

I just went through this yesterday. It's a part of the aftershock of SCC. When you are as far along the journey as you are and you get a taste of 'normal' life for a week, going back to 'him' is never going to be easy. Acknowledge the emotion and focus harder on your steps forward.

I am always here for you. Luv u lots Princess!


Kelli Bennett said...

@Laura, You and I haven't caught up yet there is a lot more than the post SCC blues involved. I just cannot talk about them here.

But I am aware that you have been super busy this week. So I know we will get caught up soon. :D

Jessica Lyn said...

What to say... hmm.. you know, I'm not going to say what everyone else did or that you should hang in there.. you already know that and we've discussed that before.. now actually the only thing I'm going to say is, unfortunately, that I hate myself too.

I absolutely hate everything about me physically and how my it makes other perceive me. There are the monetary things that I have which is great and all, but I can't say that I actually have a life.

Fear has led me to anger, anger has led me to hatred, hatred led me to suffering, but suffering.. well that has led me straight back to fear.. like a vicious cycle.

All I can say is I know how you feel.. and it sucks, big time.