Thursday, December 25, 2008

Friday, December 19, 2008

The History of Kelli Part V - In the increasingly inaccurately named trilogy.

Hopefully some of you get that.

If not...well then the number 42 doesn't mean anything to you either.

Just don't complain to me when your house is about to be demolished to make way for an interstate highway.


So I left HS behind, left the idea of being a girl behind. I buried it. Deep. I figured that since I didn't know I could be a girl or there was even such as thing as SRS and HRT, it was in my best interest to be what I was born as. Considering I had done a pretty good job in my formative school years of convincing everyone of who I was, I went with that. It wasn't too hard college and work kept me plenty busy. Factor in the fact that I was unceremoniously moved to a new house shortly after starting. I spent a lot of time in the car now driving everywhere and I do me a lot of time and everywhere. Nothing was convenient or close anymore.

Lets also cover the fact that I didn't 'hate' being a guy. I just never felt it was truly me. It allowed me to do somethings where I know if I was a girl I would have heard. "Why would you want to do that? Your a girl!" (I guess looking back on it I did my best to try and accept what I had and deny what I couldn't be.)

However, my time was effectively occupied. Not that I didn't think about it but I was far to busy to invest any time into it.

Then it happened.

I fell in love.

I met a girl whom I connected with. Didn't feel awkward around and after a slow start we became an item. It even developed into a physical relationship. Now she was a little younger than me. I met her during her senior year in HS and I had been out for a few years. (Recall I was put in a year early so, she was only 3 years younger then I was.)

But it work, I thought this was it. I was head over heels and had the intellectually/intimate relationship I wanted.

Kelli disappeared.

I didn't think it was possible.

For three years with school, work, relationship, not to mention traveling daily, in the way. I felt I was free of the torment. It is possible that I just fell into the trap of out of sight out of mind. I tried to tell myself I could live as a man and be happy. For a while I was.

My relationship grew into a engagement. My career started to take off. Here I was living somewhat happily.

Then it all came crashing down. Five months away from being married, the relationship crashed.

I think part of it was placing my expectations of what I expected a woman to be. Because I know how I wanted to be. Though I did do this subconsciously. The other part would be due to her co-dependancy on someone to take care of her. Thus pushing her seek another man. Not to mention that she was at a point with no direction in her life along with being depressed about that. Sometimes you want to help a person but you just don't know what/how to do that for them.

Remember I was still traveling a lot so I couldn't always be 'there' when she needed me to be. So it all collapsed.

It was at this point Kelli popped back into my head. Very slowly at first but gradually gaining momentum. There finally was some space in my head for her to slip back into rather then everything else filling it all up.

My answer to this was to do everything I could to ignore it. I threw myself into meeting new people. I found new activities to occupy my time. Whatever I could do to keep my mind off the feelings and thoughts that were returning.

I just didn't think that thinking that way could work for me so I did whatever I could to hide/bury/run away from those thoughts.

Including finding another relationship.

Don't you just love cliffhangers?