Sunday, November 29, 2009

Running Amok

Well since I posted my decision post, my thoughts have been all over the place.

Yesterday's news didn't help much either.

Life has been interesting on top of it.

I have a lot to say right now just not what and how I want to say it just yet.

Don't worry nothing disastrous or really good for that matter.

Just the simple truth of my head wandering all over.

I came up with the analogy that I feel like I am playing wheel of fortune and I never know where it will stop.

Yet I keep spinning it.

Also no one will let me buy a vowel.

There is one thing though. This week will get interesting.

Really interesting.

Significant things take place this week.

I am not sure how I am going to take them.

The first one is today.

I'm not going to tell you what it is. However if you have been reading my blog from the website and not through a RRS feed.

You might notice something on the page has changed.

All I will say is if you have been paying attention you might be able to figure out the clue.

But it is there.

If you think you know what it is, feel free to email me. I will tell you if you right or not.

Right now I have a lot of thinking to do.

Saturday, November 28, 2009

Sometimes we are the danger.

In light of everyone telling me during my decision process what they thought of my options.

I want to point out this.

We might not like it. We might not want it. But we have to realize it is there. 

This is why I had to acknowledge Option #4

Sometimes knowing the danger is lying in the road helps us to avoid it.

P.S. My condolences and may he rest in peace.

Tuesday, November 24, 2009

The Decision

Before I get into the heart of this post. I just want to say none of this was easy.

But then I guess life never is.

There is a lot of things that crossed my mind while I put this particular post together. My current life and how I live it.

How I have lived the past 34 years.

The emotions.

The confusion.

The depression.

The anxiety.


It is hard to explain to someone how you can exist this long and yet never feel like yourself.

There was simply an amazing amount of things to ponder while I sat down and thought about all of this.

None of it to be taken lightly.

So where did I end up?

Well let us start with the first to be eliminated from contention.

Option #4.

This one bothers me for a number of reasons.

First I love living. I would miss me. I think others would miss me. Even the me that really isn't me.

If that makes any sense.

While it would solve the discomfort issue, the dysphoria, the anxiety. It would allow people to remember the me they knew. Spare them the pain of watching me transition.

The biggest issue is I have always felt doing this was running away from your problems. I've known a few people over the years to do this exact thing. Rather then facing their issues.

And I have ben critical of this and them.

So the thought of doing myself sickens me.

I might have denied or attempted to ignore my issue, that might be defined as running from my issue. But I at least stood up two years ago and told myself I needed to do something about it. Seek help, talk it out, etc. At least I faced it head on.

However, the fact that #4 has been entering my mind, that I have even considered it...

...well it is rather disturbing.

I don't like it.

And I don't ever want to like it.

So option #4 is out.

Moving along.

Option #2 was right behind it.

Simply put, trying to put on two different hats. Living two independent lives, keeping one side from meeting the other.

Well that isn't living either.

Now I understand some need to explore this during therapy, to engage myself in living the other gender. I get it and understood why I did it and continue doing it.

I simply had no issue with it as it was all part of the process.

However living it full time?

For the rest of my live?

How about no?

It is a poor attempt to balance two parts of myself. The one everyone knows, with the one I really am. While keeping them separate to protect others.

It isn't fun.

It sucks.

It is also a poor attempt at trying to satisfy everyone's needs but in effect doesn't do anything for anyone.

Not to mention I cannot fathom myself living like this the rest of my life. Now that I recognize my issue along with finally accepting it, even embracing it. I feel all I am doing is living a lie to everyone else. While trying to carve out a small space for me to be me.

When you realize what was wrong and why, anaylys it, question it, then accept and embrace it, doing anything else is torture.

I can't do it indefinitely. I'll go insane. Enough to possibly allow option #4 to rear its ugly head again.

I know I don't want that.

So #2 is out.

Which brings me to options #1 and #3.

Lets talk #3 shall we?

This one has some merits.

One, I have to some degree, enjoyed my life. It hasn't been all that bad. I have a good job and income. I have a home over my head among other things.

I have a decent family and some good friends.

I get to have fun every now and again. It could be much, much worse.

The role I have played, I have played well. Even managed to like certain parts of it.

But I have come to realize it isn't me.

It is was all constructed for someone else.

The person I played, a role or part for 34 years. Trying to be someone or something else.

While hiding a large part of myself.

From the world.

Simply was not me.

So the thought of trying to bury my transsexualism completely just to be able to continue on this path.

Well, frankly, it disturbs me.


I have a feeling if I attempt this, push it all back into my head. It is only going to fight harder this time to come out. Simply since now that it is out, I feel it really isn't going to want to go quietly.

If fact it will be kicking and screaming.

And if I go down this path I feel the sheer force of that fight will utterly destroy me.

To the point I won't want to go on.

Thus causing #4 once again to enter into view.

Once again that really scares me.

So what does that leave?

Well Option #1.


I've avoided this one since I have always been afraid of it. Not so much for me but for how the rest of the world will view me.

I've done this my entire life.

That and I didn't know that I could change myself enough to alter my refection enough to see myself in the mirror. Instead of what I see now.

So that anything less would torment me, and cause the world to rebel against me simply cause I would be different.

Fear can be a powerful motivator.

But knowing what I know now, who I am. Along with what I can do to accomplish my goals.

It will not be easy.

It will not be simple.

There could be some significant changes to my life in general. I might need to make new friends, I might need to surround myself with better people.

I might even have to look for new employment.

But at least when the dust settles. I can live my life. On my terms.

As me.

And try to live a happy well adjusted life.

That I feel is what is most important. I have done everything for everyone else. To spare their feelings or discomfort. While slowly tearing myself apart with this issue.

I simply cannot do that anymore.

So in an effort to save myself.

Openly and Honestly for a change.

I choose options #1.

It simply has to be.

Anything less at this point would be a failure in my eyes. Dooming me to live a miserable, partial existence. With constant torment and creeping fear that I will not be able to handle it, believing there is only really one way to escape.

Now comes the fun part.

Implementation of said option.

That will be the subject of many a blog post and a long continuing story. That I hope not only you get to read about. But I get to experience.

Stay tuned.

Monday, November 23, 2009

Bring out your Dead.

I love using movie references for the titles of my posts!

So what is my point with this one?

Well, a few weeks ago I searching the interwebs to find some events to attend in my local area.

Get out of the house so to speak.

While my eyes scanned the list I had found and entry in the theater section jumped out at me.

Evil Dead: The Musical.


For real?


Someone turned three campy, gory, and very cheese horror movies into a musical?

Now I am NOT a big horror movie fan. I have seen these movies once, quite a long time ago. But I was stunned that someone turned this into a musical.

So I did want any self respecting geek would do. I googled it.

Low and behold it was true.

And there were YouTube clips.

I was astounded, the samples that I saw were outrageous yet incredibly well done.

Curiosity got the better of me and I found it was playing in a local theater this past Saturday.

I got myself tickets and proceeded to go.


Now this was a rather smallish limited budget production (I'd love to see this done in a larger venue) but is was still an absolute riot. I laughed, I cried, I cringed, and I laughed some more.

It simply was unlike anything I had ever seen and the musical numbers were amazing and totally off the wall wild.

The whole thing was wickedly creative and down right silly, campy, cheesy fun. With a splash of gore.

It is also defiantly not a show for children or the bashful.

But if you are looking for something different to do, can stand a little camp and bad puns, and you can find a production in your area, I highly recommend it.

I promise you, like it or not, you've never seen anything like it.

Oh, and the signs leading into the theater stated quite plainly: "This production uses large amounts of stage blood. There will be splatter. You have been warned."

They are not kidding, if you want to stay clean I suggest that you NOT sit in the first few rows.

It's always nice to see something new and unique.

Not to mention actually be entertaining.

Moment of silence

I am going to post my follow up that I owe for the Decision post. I don't have any issues with it. It was just all in my head after last weekend.

However I didn't feel right posting it with the Transgender Day of Remembrance.

While I myself think it is a little morbid, I think it still is a good reminder that we still have some ways to go. We shouldn't have to live in fear and it pays respects to those you have lost their lives while trying to be themselves for no other good reason then hate.

I didn't want to overshadow it with a post about me.

Friday, November 20, 2009

Never Forget

For those that have been needlessly taken from us.

Tuesday, November 17, 2009

Don't cross the streams!

One person out there is going to find that really funny.

Everyone should get a chuckle out of it.

However it is very fitting.

This last weekend I had four days to myself.

All to myself.

I could do whatever I wanted.

So I thought.

Granted I did have a lot of fun being myself for a change, but thinking I had no limitations on my time was folly at best.

I simply found the two halves of my life clashing.

Getting in the way of each other.

Certain obligations came up that I had to do as him.

I still got time as myself.

Plenty of time.

But I switched back and forth far more then I cared too.

Or wanted.

I was basically crossing the streams.

And if you were a little fuzzy on the whole good/bad thing.

That is bad.

At one point I nearly thought I was going to lose it.

You know, flip out, go off the deep end.

I was straining not to just break down and cry.

This weekend I think cause me to think about how much living Option #2 sucks.

I really, really don't want to do that anymore.

Regardless, I still had a very good time this weekend, spent time with some new friends, saw some old ones, and generally when I could I enjoyed 'myself' immensely.

Then considering the messiness of the weekend, progress moving forward helped a lot too. Monday I resumed hair removal from a few key places. And even though it hurt it felt good to know I was doing something to advance.

Lastly I have the Decision post, done, finished, kaput. It is long and I think covers it the subject quite well. But it light of the things that happened this past weekend I hesitated. I'm not sure why, exactly. I am still trying to figure that one out. I figured I'd give myself a few days to think about it and see what happens. I just want to make sure I wasn't rushing it or if it was just general exasperation at everything that occurred.

Time will tell.

Wednesday, November 11, 2009


Well nothing major really. I was working on the site. I added a quote widget on the left hand side.

I placed a few of my favorite quotes in there that change every few minutes. Only issue with it is I cannot seem to get them to randomize. Oh well I'll figure it out eventually.

The other thing, while working on it I noticed something.

HOLY CRAP!!! I have 6 followers!?!?!?

It is starting to make me wonder just how many people are reading this. I was shocked with two, six I cannot even fathom and those are the ones I know about.

I am simply floored. I can't wrap my head around the fact that there are people out there are reading it.

And yes the followup is coming, as I warned it is long but I am getting there. Should be done soon.

Tuesday, November 10, 2009


I might have mentioned a good friend of mine I have been talking to lately.

Well, we chat just about everyday about anything and everything.

It is a most welcome intrusion to my day.

Today she is off taking care of somethings she needs to take care of.

I wish her the best of luck, I know I am pulling for her.

It's just I didn't realize how much I looked forward to chatting everyday and how much that meant to me.

Until she wasn't there.

I know why and it is for good reason.

Still I miss her.

Sunday, November 8, 2009

Hiding from the world

While working on the follow up for the options something popped into my mind and I felt the need to write about it.

Several months ago my mother made the comment that growing up I was a bit of a loner. This thought has been rolling around in my head ever since. I just couldn't put my finger on what it as about this that was striking me as odd.

Then I realized something.

As I was driving home from work.

It was true.

Right now I realize the few times I am relaxed and even happy is when I am alone.


Because it is during those times I can stop stressing out about how I act, what I say, and who I am.

The weight of how I am living disappears.

When I was driving I was enjoying some music, thinking about outfit ideas, recalling a wonderful conversation I had with a friend via IM earlier in the day.

When I noticed this it dawned on me that this was one of the few moments I was free to be me.

Which cause a rather profound thought to enter my brain.

Was it easier when I was younger because I had so much more alone time?

Yeah I had school, but I could go home and be alone for considerable periods of time, or even just shut myself off from my parents, doing homework or what not. Listen to the radio, read, draw. But I didn't have to worry about being 'on' during those times.

Even with friends I got large breaks from them too.

Not to mention summer vacation. Being an early riser most of my friends were still in bed in the morning. So again time to be alone and not worry or stress.

However since leaving school and being in a relationship. I get very, very little time to even just be alone. By myself with no worries and no need to be 'on'. I almost have to do it 24/7.

Which has me thinking maybe if I had this pressure building sooner would I have done something sooner?

Who knows for sure.

But it is definitely something to ponder.

Thursday, November 5, 2009


Well I haven't forgotten about the follow up. But it is going to take me a while to get it done. I have a lot to say and cover. Not to mention I am really busy right now.

And I am kinda taking my time on this one.

I will get it posted just as soon as I can.

Wednesday, November 4, 2009

The Options Recap

So I am going to go over all of them. In general one more time.

Option #1



I get to live as me, no faking, no discomfort, or lying anymore.
Living my live as I want to even if I have to rebuild it.


I could potentially impact those around me.
I most likely ruin some of my relationships with family and friends.
My current employment could be impacted along with future.

Option #2

Live in both roles.


Maintain some of my current life.
Satisfy some of my transsexualism.
Not upset those that don't know about my transsexualism.


Struggle to maintain two separate lives.
Upset those that know about my transsexualism.
Worry that living like this will eventually wear me down.
Worry that all of the above will lead to Option #4.

Option #3

Not Transition


Change nothing
Reduce the amount of stress it takes to maintain two separate lives.
Avoid the stress and strain of transitioning.
Avoid disappointing family and friends with the fact you are transsexual.
Keep your current job.
Maintain you current status of living.


Suffer in misery the fact that you know now what has been bothering years.
Suffer the fact that you will be doing nothing about what has been bothering you all these years.
Possible making everyone else miserable since you well most likely spent the rest of your life unhappy.
Living a life that is not yours and possible never was.
Worry that doing all of the above will lead to Option #4.

Option #4

Self Terminate


No more suffering.
No one else has to suffer dealing with your transsexualism.


No longer experiencing life and all it's wonders.
Everyone else who cares about you would suffer no longer having you in their lives.


Well there it is. In a nut shell. Keep an eye out for the big reveal.

I am such a cliffhanger poster. lol!