Saturday, October 31, 2009

Friday, October 30, 2009

Open During Construction

Pardon the dust and mess.

If you haven't noticed, things around here look a little different.

Same me, new look.

Actually I never really was that enamored with my old layout.

Color was nice but the design always felt constricting.

So I finally did some searching and found this layout.


However I have to update and reset somethings.

So please pardon my dust while I clean the place up.

Thursday, October 29, 2009

Option #1


...what can I say about this one.

Simply put, in nutshell, to sum up.


From one gender to the other.

To stop living as a man and become a woman.

Not many people are going to understand this.

Nor agree.

In fact some might down right get pissy at me for it.

But life as it is right now is horrible.

It really is very hard to explain this to the non-transsexual.

Someone once described the issue as going on vacation and constantly thinking you left the iron or stove on.

You might enjoy the vacation, but there is always that nagging feeling that something isn't right.

This has been my life for years.

Every day I get up, get ready and head out the door.

And every day I wonder if I have left the stove on.

It is an insidious nagging feeling that will just not go away.

You are always constantly wondering if you are doing the wrong thing, reacting the wrong way. Saying the wrong thing or sometimes simply trying too hard.

That can be just as obvious as doing something you aren't supposed to do.

But these thoughts sit in the back of your mind. Constantly. Over time it gets worse, you worry about it more and more. About the only thing I can do is distract myself by focusing on something else.

However it is still always there and your anxiety level goes up and up.

Today mine is through the roof.

But how do I know it is linked to Gender?

Well if you have been following along you would know I do a lot of Option #2 right now.

So how do I know this works?

Well when I am in boy mode, I am aware of it. I watch what I do, what I say, I have to react an adjust to things. It's almost like being in a constaint state of alert. You might even say bordering on paranoia.

There is just that intrusive feeling in the back of your mind.

Now when I am in girl mode. It is not there anymore.

Really it's gone. I simply just am. I don't worry about how I act, what I say, etc.

Not to mention when in this mode most people view me as the gender I am presenting them.

It amazes me really, but I guess at this point in the game it shouldn't.

Also it is incredibly rewarding in its own way. Strange as that might sound. But being able to interact with people without worrying about how you are portraying yourself is a fantastic experience. Not to mention a huge reason why this option is even on the table for discussion.

The major issue with this option is the impact this will have on everything and everyone around me.

Work, Family, Friends, etc.

I don't know what will happen, but I know things will happen.

I've learned to adapt in the past and I will do so again.

Some people will view this as the selfish option (not counting #4), but really everything I have done to this point is for the sake of others. To spare them from watching me change.

But maybe it is time for me to do just that, for once, to live my life, on my terms, they way I have always wanted to.

And with a little bit of luck successfully.

That is Option #1

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

Still Ticking...

Hopefully no one panicked about my last post.

Really I am ok.

As much as I can be.

A lot has happened.

And I am worn out and tired.

If I didn't have a nervous breakdown.

I am walking the line.

However I did have an impromptu therapy session last night.

It was a lot, intense and draining, but in the end I felt better.

Much better.

After explaining the episode on Sunday night. When I lost my way for a bit. Took a break, found it again. Then dealt with the fallout from what happened.

After getting all this out. She looked at me and told me that I was running out of steam. The energy it is taking to retain the status quo is enormous at this point and like a deck of cards I come crashing down when something bad happens.


Add in the emotions that are now much stronger then they used to be.

Some people think I am having mood swings.

But really my emotions are pulled so tight and are so raw, and hit me so hard, it looks that way.

When really these are the same emotions I have always had.

Problem is people are now seeing them first hand. I can't hide them. They are going to show.

But working so hard to get by, then getting some free time to get out and enjoy being myself is clashing. Because during those times I am not fighting myself or my nature. I am simply being me.

Then I have to try and put it all away.

On thing she noted to me near the end, was that the whole time I was sitting there talking, telling my story. All she saw was a scared, frustrated, hurt girl, struggling to find her way while dealing with a difficult reality.

(And I must note that since this was impromptu and I was there almost straight from work, I was in total boy mode.)

She told me I have spent years not always understanding this, fighting against it and now that I know that the issue is, understand it, accept it. Continuing along is becoming more and more difficult when you couple that with the fact that me, Kelli, doesn't want that fight anymore.

It is becoming too much.

Something has to change and I feel it is going to be soon.

I don't really know how much longer I can take all this.

The strain is becoming too much.

Monday, October 26, 2009

Falling to Pieces

Because today...I simply don't the the energy to say it better myself.

Back and forth, I sway with the wind
Resolution slips away again
Right through my fingers, back into my heart
Where it's out of reach and it's in the dark
Sometimes I think I'm blind
Or I may be just paralyzed
Because the plot thickens every day
And the pieces of my puzzle keep crumblin' away
But I know, there's a picture beneath
Indecision clouds my vision
No one listens...
Because I'm somewhere in between
My love and my agony
You see, I'm somewhere in between
My life is falling to pieces
Somebody put me together
Layin' face down on the ground
My fingers in my ears to block the sound
My eyes shut tight to avoid the sight
Anticipating the end, losing the will to fight
Droplets of "yes" and "no"
In an ocean of "maybe"
From the bottom, it looks like a steep incline
From the top, another downhill slope of mine
But I know, the equilibrium's there
Indecision clouds my vision
No one listens
Because I'm somewhere in between
My love and my agony
You see, I'm somewhere in between
My life is falling to pieces
Somebody put me together

Friday, October 23, 2009

If misery loves company...

...why do I feel so alone.

Now don't get me wrong.

I have some wonderful friends. Full of life, support, and even be the devil's advocate.

The problem is not one of them lives near me.

Emails and IMs are nice.

But sometimes, and more so resently, I have needed a physical presence to talk to.

A shoulder to cry one.

Someone to just be there.


One of these days I have the life I want, and friends to surround myself with.

Tuesday, October 20, 2009

I knew it wasn't going to be easy...

...but does it really have to be this ugly and painful a journey to be yourself.

Option #2

Well now this one is the most interesting.

I think it has the most pros and the most cons in one option. (Options #4 is just mostly one big negative.)

I also feel it is one of the most difficult to implement. Not only phsycally but emotionally.

Really it is almost a cross between option #1 and Option #3 (I know I haven't discussed option #1 in detail yet but I think we get the gist of what option #1 is)

It comes down to presenting myself as a man for the most part. Living day to day while throwing in some coping mechanisms to help deal with my Transexualism.

With the feeling that now knowing what the problem is I might be able to scratch out some sort of quality of life.

However I also feel that this will be the most difficult to implement.


Because I am doing it now.

And it sucks.

I feel not only am I keeping a secret from everyone I also feel that I am only twisting myself up even more.

Because I have to keep denying who I truly am.

And only allow myself to be that person every once in a while.

It becomes more and more difficult to repress parts of my personality. To deny who I am just so others will not suspect.

Though I could let it out but then I feel that would convey the wrong message also.

But what do I do?

This option would allow me to appease others, be the husband, brother, son, friend, as those expect me to be.

They wouldn't have to know the tormoil that I live with on a daily bases.

I would spare them the emarrasment, shame, pain, whatever of having a transsexual in their lives.

I would know I could keep my employment, my current lifestyle. I wouldn't have to give up these things. Or at least the risk would be much less.

But then are they really my things or someone elses?

Even if I could accept that and live with it, while allowing myself to express me, however I choose to do so. When I can do so.

This could involve any number of surgeries to alter my appearance. Within the limitations of how far I think I would be willing to go while still maintaining some sembalance of him.

How well would this really work?

I don't think well at all.

Really I think it is a poor compromsse, which is what I have been doing all my life.

Ignoring who I am just to appease everyone else.

To fit in.

As someone I am not.

And really I see this option as nothing but a downward spiral, since all I would be doing is reminding myself of who I truly am, and how much I am not living as me.

I would only be extending the torment, the disphoryia, increasing anxitety and depression.

And I feel that even though I might try to hang onto the life I have built for myself if I do this I am going to snap at some point and option #4 mostly likely rear it's ugly head.

Is that really worth it?

Thursday, October 15, 2009

Someone to lean on

During this journey to find myself. I have searched high and low for someone to talk to.

Someone who felt the same as I did, who understood this unrest and internal disquiet about who you are.

I tried many an avenue.

Online forums, chatrooms, support groups, local CD/Trans watering holes. But I never met someone I connected with who understood.

Or at least I felt would understand me.

Most upon starting a conversation with me would become obvious to me didn't think the same way I did. I don't know how to explain it but it was just there.

Even at a large conference like SCC some of the well establish women who I felt I might connect with intimidated me.

I even tried emailing a few bloggers out there.

Usually nothing came back.

I felt stuck, isolated and alone.

Until one day I did get an answer.

And I had not even sent an email.

I had posted a comment on one of her posts, and she follow it to this blog you are reading now.

And sent me an unsolicited response.

I thanked her for reading my blog and for her wonderful blog, which I connect to a lot of what she had written. (As soon as I read the first entry I ran to the beginning and devoured everything she had posted.)

From there an email exchange began.

And from those email I discovered someone who thought much like I did. Yes we had our differences but I think all of us who walk in these shoes do. But there are still some similarities.

Quite quickly I realized I had found someone who I could mention my thoughts too, what I was feeling, etc and immediately she understood.

This is what I had been craving to find.

We then starting chatting live, beyond the emails. I discovered this wonderful warm and caring person. Not to mention funny and amazingly sweet.

Usually I find it difficult to become someones good friend online only, but yet I surprisingly felt connected to her even though we live so far apart and have yet to meet face to face.

I even didn't mind when she was a little absent during some still major steps in her own transition. I simply appreciated what little time she could give me and was glad to hear she was doing well with everything.

Well with these big steps behind her she has been around a lot more an we have talked at great length. I know we get along very well and I hope she considers me as good a friend as I consider her.

I don't know what I would have done had she not sent me that email so long ago. But I am so glad she did.

Now I know I am at a different point in my journey from her, but she has been so supportive of me that I don't know if I could ever repay her enough. Though I might follow her example of helping others and giving a little time to someone like me once I have my own life's journey completed.

Still I recently discovered she was taking dance lessons. And I think it is great that she is doing this and getting out there and enjoying life.

Though I discovered that her musical knowledge is rather limited (not a fault just a fact) compared to mine.

I took it upon myself to start gathering some material that would suit the style of dance that she is studying.

She might think I am gushing or fawning over her regarding this. But really, for people that mean something to me it is in my nature to do nice things for them. And if I can improve her musical selection and expand her library of tunes I will do so.

It is simply one thing I can do right now to show her how much appreciation I have for the time and supportive words she has given to me, even during some of the busiest times in her life.

(She also might not get just how much fun I am having discovering new music and artists that even I had not heard before. So not only is it something for her I am having a blast doing it. Double bonus!)

So I hope she understand that this is just one way I can say how much her friendship has meant to me.

At least until the day comes that I can finally meet her face to face. Give her a big hug and say two words to her more heartfelt and with greater
sincerity than most when they say them.

"Thank you"

Shock the world!

So as I start preparing for how my life is going to change and in getting into practice at tell people about my function.

I am starting to tell people who are important to me about what is coming.

One of them is my General Practitioner.

He has been my primary doctor for about 12 years now.

I like him, he listens well, is very personable and respects what I tell him. He is also excellent at following up.

So as I prepare to move forward this one worried me.

I want to keep him as my doctor as long as I stay local to the area.

But I know some frown on the whole trans things and even refuse to treat people with a background such as myself.

So this week I had my annual physical with him. Kick the tires so to speak.

We chatted for a bit, he asked me how I was feeling, I mentioned the nagging cough I had from a cold I had last week.

He asks about anything else. If I had any other issues or symptoms. I tell him no to everything.

But I mention there is something else I need to talk to him about.

He asked me what it was. The conversation went a little something like this:

"Well I just want to say that I value you as my doctor, and no matter what I am about to tell you, I would like to keep it that way. So I am glad you are sitting down for this."

"Wow, well, now you have me really intrigued what is up?"

"Well since I don't know how to say this, let me ask you this, Have you ever had a Transgendered patient before?"

"No can't say that I have."

"Well you do now"



"Really. Wow, You have me reeling a bit, I just would have never expected that from you. Are you sure about all this?"

So then I dug into the fact I had been seeing a therapist for almost 2 years now trying to come to terms with who and what I am. That I have done my homework, it was obvious to him that I was approaching this with a clear mind and a lot of information. Along with some deep soul searching before coming to this conclusion. I also gave him a release form from my therapist in case he wanted to talk to her.

He then surprised me with his full support with anything, coming out, and even remaining my doctor. Anything I needed at all he would be there for and he would not ever refuse seeing me as a patient. He was more concerned about how society would view me and treat me. He is very much of the mindset that I am. Gay, Straight, Trans, whatever why can't we let people just be themselves.

His genuine concern and support was so surprising that I almost lost it in the exam room.

I mean he even volunteer to help keep an eye on my hormone levels even though he would let another doctor administer them. He is basically saving me extra trips to the lab by having them done under his office.

Did I tell you I really like my Doctor.

The I could not have imagined this going better then it did.

I can only hope it this easy to do this in the future.

LOL! As I like to now say one down, six billion to go!

No I am not being pessimistic, in fact I never felt better about all this then I do now.

I just like to crack a joke about the situation to help me remain calm.

Now I told you that story to tell you this one.

As I mentioned above I had a release form my therapist signed just to make sure all the bases were covered, legally. Not that she had an issue talking to my doctor.

But I did have to stop after work to pick it up. Now she mentioned the was going to be in a session about the time I would be getting there. But I knew with traffic around here I stood a good chance of being there just about the time it would be ending.

Even though She was leaving the forms out in the waiting area for me to sign I got there just like I thought I would so I read over everything and signed both copies. Just about the time her session let out. So I walked back to her office and knock on the partially closed door.

She pulled it open, and stared at me.

(Now it should be noted here she has not seen me in full boy mode since some of our earliest sessions. I simply that uncomfortable being myself when dressed as a guy that I always now show up as myself, maybe not 100% complete, but as much as I can right now)

And She stared at me some more.

And blinked.

And continued to stare.

It was a good 10 or 15 seconds and I started to realize that she wasn't putting it together. (My presentation as a woman isn't over the top, I keep my clothing stylish and quite often casual, makeup is usually light, but I don't use my natural hair color while I wait to grow it out so I can have it colored they way I want it.)

So I figured at this point I should let her off the hook, I smiled and started to open my mouth so say something...

...and her eye's popped out of her head.

She exclaimed: "Kelli!"

I replied: "Yes"

She laughed and said until I smiled she couldn't put it together who was standing there. And as we talked she realized even more it was me.

Just in the wrong packaging.

She complimented me on my hair and how nicely it was growing in, albeit to slowly for my taste, but I have time. So I will continue to be patient.

Though she could see why I complain about the location of my hairline and why I would want to alter it. But noted that I still have a very full head of hair even with the slight thinning I have suffered.

We chatted for a few minutes more and then I had to be on my way. But she noted as I left that my personality does clash with my appearance, because all she could see was a boyish looking girl talking to her.

But what I wouldn't have given to have had a camera right at the moment She realized who I was.

The expression on her face was priceless.

Monday, October 12, 2009

And so it begins

No I haven't officially started my transition. As in coming out to work, announcing it to family and friends. I still need time to undo 34 years of living as a boy and some of those changes aren't going to take place overnight.

I am ok with this for now, but I know it will become an issue soon. I can feel the push from inside to just get it all done now.

But that is for a different day and a different post.

Something else is happening though.

As I let things change I have noticed they are starting to affect how people view me.

One that is taking place is that I am growing my hair out.

Now I have mentioned in the past I kept it short.

Really Short.

The Marines would have been proud.

Over the last almost year and a half I have let it grow. Going every 6 weeks or so to just neaten it up and try and keep it presentable.

Granted I still have this wonderful tall square hairline. Which will have to get changed.

But something has been occurring over the last few weeks.

On the weekends, being an early riser, I brush it out in the morning and drop a hat on it until I can get home and wash it or just rinse it out. This hides where the hairline is located but allows the length in the back to stick out. I usually take the dogs for a walk, come home, grab my accomplice and head to breakfast and/or errands.

Well the last few weeks have been interesting. When you add in the length of my hair, the fact that my eyebrows are now a very feminine shape, my somewhat feminine features, and much less facial hair. Then you hide that hairline under the brim and...

...well I am getting Ma'amed. Or hearing "I'll be with you ladies in a second." And the brand new one this weekend when using a membership card at a local bulk warehouse.

"Is he here today?"

I responded: "Why yes I am."

Many of these people take a hard second look at me then apologize.

Not that I am upset about it. Far from it. It tells me things are heading in the direction I not only want them too, but need them too.

But it again shows me that while my appearance is starting to work in my favor. People still can figure out that it is indeed a man standing in front of them.

Work will still need to be done, I don't doubt this. One big issue is the hair. While my hairline isn't thinning anymore, in fact it is showing new growth, the overall shape of it screams man. But it has been like that for the longest time. Even pre-puberty. Tall foreheads run in the family. So when I disguise that fact under a hat, people need to take a second look.

I guess I just wasn't expecting this so soon.

But I am going to enjoy it even if it irritates others.

Because slowly I am seeing myself become me.

And that is what matters.

Friday, October 9, 2009

On the head!

Sometimes, somewhere, something comes along and strikes you right between the eyes. Something that puts into words actions or deeds that fit right into what you are thinking but can't seem to equate that into words.

This morning I read the following words and they couldn't have rung more true. I have spent almost 34 years doing exactly this.

"Once created, physically male gender folk live in their male role — a 3-D personality with its own goals, likes and dislikes, values, hobbies, etc. Although indistinguishable from the "real thing," it isn't themselves. It is an artificial creation for them to be able to fit in. This is achieved at the expense of denying, locking away, their natural female self. (See Brain Gender and Brain Sex.) Their desire to be "normal" has denied them their natural selves. But, as the nagging reality of the deception becomes harder and harder to suppress, one has to express their true gender somehow, in some way."

It is going to be a long day...

Thursday, October 8, 2009

Option #3

I know I am behind on getting these out, but maybe that might actually have been a good thing. Why? I think I have an even clearer view of them now then I did before.

Option #4 hasn't changed. It is the 500lbs gorilla in the room and I feel it always will be. I simply have to acknowledge that it is there lest I forget.

As for number #3?

Well, that would be the status quo.

To a point.

Right now I feel I am living #2, time spent between two different halves of my life.

Number three would entail just being him. Going full time, so to speak, and leaving her behind.

This would be the only way I could possible succeed with this. I would have to hope that I can fully, completely and utterly bury that part of myself.

I know this sounds harsh, but what choice would I have otherwise.

I simply don't see it.

I'd go about changing the things I have already changed. Letting my body hair grow back out. Not that I had much to begin with. (Never mind due to an unfortunate incident I have a severe revulsion to it) Cutting the hair on my head short again. I've been growing it out for a year and half. Though you must know that I kept a hair cut that would make the military proud for many years. Now I might not go that short again, I would however shorten it considerably.

I also would get rid of my wardrobe.

Anything that would remind me of the fact that I am not living in the right gender.

One thing to note is while I have never 'hated' being a guy. I never felt very comfortable with it. Like I was always putting on a act just because I didn't know how to be myself in the container nature chose for me. Hence the whole reason I am where I am at now in my life.

Trying to figure it all out.

I have tried to except what was fated to me. But the longer I go on the harder it gets.

Now there are some advantages to this life. I have a good job, a place to live, some good friends. I can enjoy some of the fruits of my labor. I even have a spouse who cares about me. These are not such bad things to have.

But when it all boils down to it, is this really me or is it the facade I have built for myself?

I worry about this option because of what I now know and feel. I worry that if I enact this option I might not be able to handle it. While I feel strong mentally right now, I do think I am just holding it together. Something might cause it to all tumble down. Maybe not in the near future, but sometime. And this is why I must remember option #4.

It could end up being the option I choose in the long run should I have issues with the wrong option.

My biggest fear if I do this option is that somewhere down the road I won't be able to anymore. Who knows what will happen then.

Can I really continue to live this way or is it a disaster waiting to happen.

Ahh the questions of life. They are never easy are they.

Friday, October 2, 2009

In the strangest of places

I haven't said much about this in the past, but I am a huge music nut. I listen to just about anything from Rock to Pop, Classical to Metal, Alternative, Jazz, Blues, Grunge, Funk, Electronic, and Rap. My current soup de jour is Electronic/Breakbeat/Mashups.

About the only thing I don't listen to is Country. I don't know I just can't get into it. Though I will admit to liking Johnny Cash.

But music has never influenced me. There are songs that I connect with and sometimes very strongly. Van Halen's 'Right Now' remains to this day my favorite song. Period. Listen to it and you might understand why. But I never 'lived' the lifestyle as so many are wont to do. I didn't dress like a burnout, I didn't dress like a white pretending he was black, or anything else. I was hiding among the crowd so I just didn't try to draw attention to myself. Cause when I did, boy did I ever. Blend into the background was goal.

I guess I just never felt the need to act or dress like the artist I was listening to. I just listened to them to enjoy the music.

However in playing around with finally cleaning up my digital music collection, re-encoding my entire CD library. I have been running through songs, while very familiar, I might not have listen too very much recently.

During this I ran into some lyrics that jumped out and surprised me from places I wouldn't expect them.

Such as the following:

"There's no fessing or guessing while I'm expressing myself
It's crazy to see people be
what society wants them to be, but not me"

Considering some of the things running through my head lately about everything, this line stuck in the back of my mind. It had been a long time since I listen to this song. In fact it has been rolling around in there for the last two weeks ever since I heard the line again. Almost becoming a Mantra of sorts, especially when you consider the song's message in general. It's more political though the rest of it but has a basic message.

Who is it?

Express Yourself by N.W.A.

Yeah, I kid you not.

And as wild as that one is I don't think that one compares to the next one. I'm only going to use the verses for this song the Chorus doesn't quite fit what I have been thinking lately. But the general lyrics just totally hit me in the head when I heard them again.

"If I could have my wasted days back
Would I use them to get back on track?
Stop to warm at karmas burning
Or look ahead, but keep on turning?

Do I have the strength
To know how I'll go?
Can I find it inside
To deal with what I shouldn't know?

Could I have my wasted days back
Would I use them to get back on track?"


I've worn out always being afraid
An endless stream of fear that I've made
Treading water full of worry
This frantic tick tick talk of hurry

Do I have the strength
To know how I'll go?
Can I find it inside
To deal with what I shouldn't know

Worn out always being afraid
An endless stream of fear that I've made

You live it or lie it!"

I almost wanted to cry as I was listening to this song. For me it rang so true with where I am at in my life right now it is almost scary. I felt like I was the one who wrote this song. It is every feeling that has been going through my head the last year and a half.

Now I bet you are wondering who it is.

I'll give you a moment to think about it.

Still don't know?

Frantic - Metallica

I know, get out! I just never imagined something like that from that source. It boggles the mind sometimes.

Amazing what you will find in your music collect when you are simply playing them alphabetically in order!