Tuesday, October 20, 2009

Option #2

Well now this one is the most interesting.

I think it has the most pros and the most cons in one option. (Options #4 is just mostly one big negative.)

I also feel it is one of the most difficult to implement. Not only phsycally but emotionally.

Really it is almost a cross between option #1 and Option #3 (I know I haven't discussed option #1 in detail yet but I think we get the gist of what option #1 is)

It comes down to presenting myself as a man for the most part. Living day to day while throwing in some coping mechanisms to help deal with my Transexualism.

With the feeling that now knowing what the problem is I might be able to scratch out some sort of quality of life.

However I also feel that this will be the most difficult to implement.


Because I am doing it now.

And it sucks.

I feel not only am I keeping a secret from everyone I also feel that I am only twisting myself up even more.

Because I have to keep denying who I truly am.

And only allow myself to be that person every once in a while.

It becomes more and more difficult to repress parts of my personality. To deny who I am just so others will not suspect.

Though I could let it out but then I feel that would convey the wrong message also.

But what do I do?

This option would allow me to appease others, be the husband, brother, son, friend, as those expect me to be.

They wouldn't have to know the tormoil that I live with on a daily bases.

I would spare them the emarrasment, shame, pain, whatever of having a transsexual in their lives.

I would know I could keep my employment, my current lifestyle. I wouldn't have to give up these things. Or at least the risk would be much less.

But then are they really my things or someone elses?

Even if I could accept that and live with it, while allowing myself to express me, however I choose to do so. When I can do so.

This could involve any number of surgeries to alter my appearance. Within the limitations of how far I think I would be willing to go while still maintaining some sembalance of him.

How well would this really work?

I don't think well at all.

Really I think it is a poor compromsse, which is what I have been doing all my life.

Ignoring who I am just to appease everyone else.

To fit in.

As someone I am not.

And really I see this option as nothing but a downward spiral, since all I would be doing is reminding myself of who I truly am, and how much I am not living as me.

I would only be extending the torment, the disphoryia, increasing anxitety and depression.

And I feel that even though I might try to hang onto the life I have built for myself if I do this I am going to snap at some point and option #4 mostly likely rear it's ugly head.

Is that really worth it?


Gina said...