Thursday, October 8, 2009

Option #3

I know I am behind on getting these out, but maybe that might actually have been a good thing. Why? I think I have an even clearer view of them now then I did before.

Option #4 hasn't changed. It is the 500lbs gorilla in the room and I feel it always will be. I simply have to acknowledge that it is there lest I forget.

As for number #3?

Well, that would be the status quo.

To a point.

Right now I feel I am living #2, time spent between two different halves of my life.

Number three would entail just being him. Going full time, so to speak, and leaving her behind.

This would be the only way I could possible succeed with this. I would have to hope that I can fully, completely and utterly bury that part of myself.

I know this sounds harsh, but what choice would I have otherwise.

I simply don't see it.

I'd go about changing the things I have already changed. Letting my body hair grow back out. Not that I had much to begin with. (Never mind due to an unfortunate incident I have a severe revulsion to it) Cutting the hair on my head short again. I've been growing it out for a year and half. Though you must know that I kept a hair cut that would make the military proud for many years. Now I might not go that short again, I would however shorten it considerably.

I also would get rid of my wardrobe.

Anything that would remind me of the fact that I am not living in the right gender.

One thing to note is while I have never 'hated' being a guy. I never felt very comfortable with it. Like I was always putting on a act just because I didn't know how to be myself in the container nature chose for me. Hence the whole reason I am where I am at now in my life.

Trying to figure it all out.

I have tried to except what was fated to me. But the longer I go on the harder it gets.

Now there are some advantages to this life. I have a good job, a place to live, some good friends. I can enjoy some of the fruits of my labor. I even have a spouse who cares about me. These are not such bad things to have.

But when it all boils down to it, is this really me or is it the facade I have built for myself?

I worry about this option because of what I now know and feel. I worry that if I enact this option I might not be able to handle it. While I feel strong mentally right now, I do think I am just holding it together. Something might cause it to all tumble down. Maybe not in the near future, but sometime. And this is why I must remember option #4.

It could end up being the option I choose in the long run should I have issues with the wrong option.

My biggest fear if I do this option is that somewhere down the road I won't be able to anymore. Who knows what will happen then.

Can I really continue to live this way or is it a disaster waiting to happen.

Ahh the questions of life. They are never easy are they.