Tuesday, August 18, 2009

Option #4


Self Termination.




Call it what you will it all comes down to the same thing. Ending ones own life as a method to end the pain, torment, etc surrounding the truth of ones existence. Simply put you cannot handle it anymore and you choose to close the book on your life.

Now before I discuss this further I just want to say that I have to put this option into the discussion to keep the discussion honest. It is valid, it could happen. I have to recognize that this is a possibility.

Now to discuss it.

It has its advantages. Scary as that might sound but I believe it does. You won't have to endure the slings and arrows that general society will hurl at you. You will not put family and friend through their torment of the fact that you will be changing genders. There is also the hassle of work and maintaining a living. (Lets face it unless you get started early enough transition is expensive).

You will also stop suffering your own internal struggles. You won't have to agonize over pretending to be someone else. Constantly watching your mannerisms. Putting on an act for everyone to see you as you think they would want too.

This can have a certain appeal.

However the downside is that You will still hurt those family and friends who enjoy your company, who do care about you. Some might understand some might not, but that is another discussion. You will also not be around to simply enjoy life. To discover yourself, the world, and all the great things there is to just being alive.

Yes you will still probably face some adversity in choosing the path that is correct for you, but if you choose the above option you will not have a chance to reap the reward of living as your true self.

Without risk, there is no reward.

As for me?

I keep this option on the table simply to remind me that it there. Once during my teenage years seriously contemplated this option. I was about 13 years old. I was hating what was happening to my body as testosterone start to change my body in ways I didn't want. I didn't know that changes could be made, let along how to go about changing it. I personally hate this option. I certainly don't agree with it. But I understand why a person could choose this route.

But as I sat there in the darkness of my disparage I realized one thing.

I enjoyed being alive. To experience all this world has to offer. It was then I made the conscious decision to try my best to live as I must. It was either that or ending it all and I didn't want that.

As I look back it wasn't the best decision, but it was the one I made at that time. I didn't know what else to do. Back then I only saw two options, struggling and trying to live, or ending it all.

I choose the former. Which has lead me to where I am now and the fact that I can actually see other options in front of me.

But like the monster in the closet. I have to remember this is hiding in there, lurking, waiting.

I just choose to keep the door closed on it.