Friday, August 27, 2010

Close Encounters of the Unkind

This last Sunday my parents actually stopped by my house for an errand.

You heard that right, I said parents, as in plural. Both my Mother and my Father.

As you know my Mother is very supportive and is gathering steam regarding this issue. As difficult as she can be sometimes I have to give her credit for everything she has done thus far.

I don't want her to have to go to the mattresses for me regarding anything. Yet my Father is another story.

They were at my place for about fifteen or twenty minutes.

I never felt so unwelcome somewhere and it was my own home.

He spoke very little towards me, and what he said was very matter of fact and to the point.

He said nothing else after I answered or asked me to elaborate.

I tried to be normal and kept things simple, however I don't think it worked.

On top of that I was out of the room but I over heard a conversation about me. I don't know exactly what was said but I overheard the response.

"Why should I care about him?"

It didn't help to hear the spitefulness in his voice. At this point I feel that it isn't even angry tolerance but actual hatred I am getting.

I know I was risking the collapse of my relationship with my parents when I came out to them. It was a major reason I waited so long to tell them. I had to make certain I understood who I was, accepted it and was prepared to do something about it.

Once you tell someone that you are transsexual you cannot un-tell them.

A good friend suggested that he was going dealing with a lot of anger. I also know my mother has told me he is embarrassed regarding me now.

Funny thing is as my parents get older (they are in their late 60's) out of the two children I am the one they expected to take care of things should anything happen. I care about my Brother a lot but let me just say he is not very responsible at all.

I will find it interesting should something happen to my Mom and I am forced to take care of my Dad.

I can see the arguments now regarding me having to represent as his daughter and making the claim that he doesn't have one.

Still my Mom is going to try and work on him slowly though it is her belief that he will fight it until it just cannot be denied. That I will be who I am completely and indisputably in front of him.

Until then I think he will view me as his freakish son who he doesn't want to acknowledge.

And that is what became very clear to me this past weekend.

Thursday, August 26, 2010

Rebellious Primates


...I guess there is no better way to put it.

The typewriter monkeys have staged an open rebellion.

We are just not getting along.

The bananas aren't working.

I have even offered looping Lancelot Link episodes along with BJ and the Bear.

Still the picket lines have been drawn.

Yes it has been that bad. I feel refreshed and recharged since returning from vacation.

I have had topics I wanted to post about yet can't seem to find the words.

It is rather shameful how many drafts I have uploaded right now.

Though most of them will not see the light of day.

At least not they way they are now.

I'll figure it out something will unjam the words in my head sooner or later.

Then you will all be begging me to shut up!!!

As you wouldn't be able to keep up.


Back into the pens I go to resume negotiations.

I guess this is what I get for getting such cheap labor.

Tuesday, August 17, 2010

Well Isn't That 'Just' Great

It was the chrome version of Scribefire.

For some crazy reason it is not formatting the posts themselves correctly when it is publishing the post.

Nice. /sarcasm

Which is sad because I am really starting to like Google Chrome as a browser.

Yet I will have to resort to the Firefox version to get my posts up correctly.


At least I fixed it and got the formatting back to normal.


Monday, August 16, 2010

If It Ain't Broke, Don't fix It

Well it is broke.

I have no idea what happened, I came home tonight and check the blog and everything was out of whack.

I even re-uploaded the backup copy I had made of my blog, nothing is working.

Posting will be temporarily placed on hold until I can resolve this.

Sometimes I hate Blogger.

Kelli vs. The Bathroom Scale from Hell

I know.

Really I do.

In my defense, I was walking literally everywhere this last week.
I do know I indulged a bit but I figured I was burning much of it up.

I also tried not to stuff my face completely. 

Just really tried to enjoy a few things without completely eating everything in site.

I think the biggest issue was the fact that I was eating a full breakfast everyday.

Something I don't normally do.

I usually keep mine light and small.

Maybe I am retaining water.

I don't know.

I would have been happy if I came back two maybe three pounds heavier. 

That I could accept, as it was a vacation.

But six?!?!

Oh well, I just have to get back on the wagon after briefly falling off.

I am not trying to loose any weight I am just trying to hold steady. 

Seems I have failed at that. 

There is now some to loose.

Stupid scale! I know it is just mocking me and making fun of me!!!

Oh well.

Sunday, August 15, 2010

Home, Sweet Home

Well I can guess you know what this means.

Yes I had a lot of fun.

I was also miserable.

It had nothing to do with where I was.

Other factors were at play with that.

Still it was a good trip and I am happy to be at home.

I think my traveling days are done for a while.

At least for pleasure.


Tuesday, August 10, 2010

Up Side the Head

I pride myself a bit on being a smart girl.

I have taught myself things I would never had imagined thinking I would know how to do.

Some of it was for nessestity. Other times it was for self improvement. Sometimes it was for disctration and not often but occasionally for self preservation.

Regardless I am fairly adapted at learning new things.

I also have a ridiculous thirst for knowledge. Along with the ability to put it to good use.

Yet sometimes I can be a complete blonde.


I can totally miss the obvious.

It is at those moments that someone needs to smack me upside the head. A 'DOH!' moment with palm to my forehead.

Because they are right usually, and I was just being clueless.

Case in point was the conversation I had with my therapist last week.

I was discussing B's cookout/party. The fun that I had and the events of the day.

When I reached a point in the story where I was dicussing how in the closet G was.

This is what happened. Towards the end of the evening G got a phone call and one of his straight friends was stopping by. Which prompted him to 'leacture' B a bit about his behavoir.

Now understand B is gay and there is little hiding that fact. It is obvious he is comfortable with who he is and he certainly is not over the top. He is cute, charming, funny, sometimes immature (he is young) and just gay.

There is no denying who he is.

I watched this with sadness and could see the obvious fear and paranoia on G's face.

As I told this to my therapist I noted to her that it occured to me that if he was so worried about B, then what about me?

If this person figured me out what then? I couldn't 'turn it off'. Was I supposed to jump into a phone booth and change back into Clark Kent?

Or was G just not viewing me as an issue.

My therapist stopped my right there.

"Kelli you don't see it do you?"

I shook my head no.

"Kelli you aren't an issue because you aren't pretending to be something you are not. Your personality and mannerisms say nothing but girl. You exude a feminine grace and presence like few I have ever met. Moreso then even myself. What few small physical traits you have are not that bad and everything else drowns those things out anyway. In the last two and a half years I have met both of you. He, while still you, is quieter and shier along with a little more miserable. Yet in that time you have really blossomed into a beautiful young woman. You still have things to learn and steps to take but mentally you are there. If I wasn't your therapist and I met you on the street today I would never second guess you myself."

Talk about making a girl pause and think.

Which I did.

I thought about this for several minutes. She really let me work on it in my head.

She was right, I don't see what other people do. I just know who I am and it seems to work. Then again it is rather difficult to step outside yourself and see yourself from that perspective.

When I had an epiphany.

I looked at her and said; "You are right. I don't realize what other people think or how they view me. In fact I don't even think about it myself in the moment anymore. I realize now that even though I am relating this story and what happened, the thought of what would happen if I was outed wasn't even in my head then. That concern was manifested the next day, when I was home, being 'him'."

Did everyone follow that?

She missed it too for a few seconds before I saw recognition on her face.

In that moment I was not seeing my gender as an issue. I wasn't even thinking about it. My gender wasn't an issue because I knew it was correct. It wasn't until afterwards, the next day even, when the issue of my gender occurred to me. It was then I wonder what would have happened.

Still I didn't know that others are seeing me the way that they are. My therapists comments were quite profound when she told me that.

Yet she is right I don't realize just how I come across to others. B when I first met him didn't think I was anything but a girl and doesn't treat me any other way even though he knows. His cousin C was super sweet and chatted with me about all types of things.

I guess I worry sometimes that I am not coming across as me, but I only think about it when I am presenting in the wrong gender.

I just wasn't aware of just how me I am when I am me.

It took someone else to make me realize it.
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Sunday, August 8, 2010

Posting from the Moon

Even though I work in the field I am still amazed by what technology has brought us.

I have seen a lot of changes. I knew about the Internet before it was available to the public.

I never imagined what it has become.

Like the ability to blog from a cell phone. I have located a rather good client that works well with blogspot.

Still do not expect a lot of posting but I had two posts mostly finished. It would be nice if I could get them out while I am away from home.

If I get some down time I will try to finish them up and get them posted.

So look for them soon. BlogBooster-The most productive way for mobile blogging. BlogBooster is a multi-service blog editor for iPhone, Android, WebOs and your desktop

Friday, August 6, 2010

Bon Voyage

Today I am leaving for the Pacific Northwest.

I have twelve days of vacation I am taking to once again explore one of my favorite areas in the United States.

I have a feeling that someday I will end up there full time living my life.

Still I will be gone for a bit. Do not expect much posting.

It is a welcome break and it might be my last big trip for a while.

Thus I am going to try to enjoy this trip as much as I can and hopefully recharge my batteries.

Since life is really going to start changing when I get back.

Thursday, August 5, 2010

Dinner with Mom

I had a three hour dinner on Tuesday night with my Mom.

It did go very well. She had a lot of questions.

It was kind of cute when she pulled out a little folded piece of paper with things she had written down.

I did my best to answer all of them. We covered a lot more detail about things we had emailed about.

Overall She was very supportive even though I could see her still trying to wrap her head around all this.

She did inform me that my Dad is not taking this well at all. However She is slowly trying to bring him around, but not to expect any miracles any time soon.

As much as my Mom can be my Mom, it is still nice to have her in my corner.

It makes my world a little brighter today.