Tuesday, August 10, 2010

Up Side the Head

I pride myself a bit on being a smart girl.

I have taught myself things I would never had imagined thinking I would know how to do.

Some of it was for nessestity. Other times it was for self improvement. Sometimes it was for disctration and not often but occasionally for self preservation.

Regardless I am fairly adapted at learning new things.

I also have a ridiculous thirst for knowledge. Along with the ability to put it to good use.

Yet sometimes I can be a complete blonde.


I can totally miss the obvious.

It is at those moments that someone needs to smack me upside the head. A 'DOH!' moment with palm to my forehead.

Because they are right usually, and I was just being clueless.

Case in point was the conversation I had with my therapist last week.

I was discussing B's cookout/party. The fun that I had and the events of the day.

When I reached a point in the story where I was dicussing how in the closet G was.

This is what happened. Towards the end of the evening G got a phone call and one of his straight friends was stopping by. Which prompted him to 'leacture' B a bit about his behavoir.

Now understand B is gay and there is little hiding that fact. It is obvious he is comfortable with who he is and he certainly is not over the top. He is cute, charming, funny, sometimes immature (he is young) and just gay.

There is no denying who he is.

I watched this with sadness and could see the obvious fear and paranoia on G's face.

As I told this to my therapist I noted to her that it occured to me that if he was so worried about B, then what about me?

If this person figured me out what then? I couldn't 'turn it off'. Was I supposed to jump into a phone booth and change back into Clark Kent?

Or was G just not viewing me as an issue.

My therapist stopped my right there.

"Kelli you don't see it do you?"

I shook my head no.

"Kelli you aren't an issue because you aren't pretending to be something you are not. Your personality and mannerisms say nothing but girl. You exude a feminine grace and presence like few I have ever met. Moreso then even myself. What few small physical traits you have are not that bad and everything else drowns those things out anyway. In the last two and a half years I have met both of you. He, while still you, is quieter and shier along with a little more miserable. Yet in that time you have really blossomed into a beautiful young woman. You still have things to learn and steps to take but mentally you are there. If I wasn't your therapist and I met you on the street today I would never second guess you myself."

Talk about making a girl pause and think.

Which I did.

I thought about this for several minutes. She really let me work on it in my head.

She was right, I don't see what other people do. I just know who I am and it seems to work. Then again it is rather difficult to step outside yourself and see yourself from that perspective.

When I had an epiphany.

I looked at her and said; "You are right. I don't realize what other people think or how they view me. In fact I don't even think about it myself in the moment anymore. I realize now that even though I am relating this story and what happened, the thought of what would happen if I was outed wasn't even in my head then. That concern was manifested the next day, when I was home, being 'him'."

Did everyone follow that?

She missed it too for a few seconds before I saw recognition on her face.

In that moment I was not seeing my gender as an issue. I wasn't even thinking about it. My gender wasn't an issue because I knew it was correct. It wasn't until afterwards, the next day even, when the issue of my gender occurred to me. It was then I wonder what would have happened.

Still I didn't know that others are seeing me the way that they are. My therapists comments were quite profound when she told me that.

Yet she is right I don't realize just how I come across to others. B when I first met him didn't think I was anything but a girl and doesn't treat me any other way even though he knows. His cousin C was super sweet and chatted with me about all types of things.

I guess I worry sometimes that I am not coming across as me, but I only think about it when I am presenting in the wrong gender.

I just wasn't aware of just how me I am when I am me.

It took someone else to make me realize it.
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Jessica Lyn said...

I am not even close to being that far along to put myself in that situation but I think I know where you're coming from... or rather how you felt.

I sometimes don't think about how I look to everyone else when I'm with friends that know about me... if we're out shopping or something I'm just being myself and then I start to notice the way other people are staring at me.. it's at that point I realize that I don't look that part yet. But you on the other hand, are quite passable, so I'm sure others are not staring at you.

I hope your vacation is going well.


Gina Lee said...

Hi Kelli! This is really such an "aha!" revelation! The truth is that your train left the station a long time ago. And it won't stop until Kelli is just Kelli and you are totally at peace with yourself. We all have self doubts, but soon, yours will be about things like boyfriends, girlfriends, jerks at work! And your relief will free you! I so envy the life you will have.
By the way, you ARE blonde, 24/7! LOL

Kelli Bennett said...

@Jessica, I do have a tendency to get stared at, however I am starting to think it is for a different reason. My friend J tells me it is all the time. Especially when I need a fly swatter some nights. Gina might agree with this even though I didn't go to the straight bar with her in Atlanta last year. But boy did she want me to go and watch the fun. Her words not mine.

@Gina, I think I am getting it, though it takes a while. It is the blonde thing.