In & Out

An interesting comment was made on my blog after this post.

The general perception was that one should not tell others they are Trans and that individuals that do this are making a dire mistake.

Bad things would happen. Fire and Brimstone! Dogs and cats living together! MASS HYSTERIA!!!

Feh.

Honestly, this may or may not be true.

I make this statement because each transition is different. While often similar in steps we all have different issues within our own transition that makes each situation unique.

For me, while in transition, I told and explained what was happening with me to those I felt were involved in my life.

I had some walk away and I had others surprise me with unwavering support to this day.

It is, I feel, important to get as many people to stand with you as is possible. If I had to do it alone I would have but having the extra support was priceless.

The rub is what to do post full time.

Well....I think that is up to you and what you feel you are willing to do.

For me there are a few groups that will always get told.

First and foremost is Doctors. This I feel is of utmost importance. They are going to have to know that I am trans to take into account certain things while treating me. Honestly this is a no brainer and a must for any trans person pre, post, or whatever. Otherwise you could be taking a risk with you health.

This was the reason I had to explain to the pharmacist what was up.{Link} He is a new one for me since I moved.

Next would be old friends. People, who in some cases I have known since childhood or often since high school.

Most of these people have re-entered my life and have been extremely supportive.

And I quote:

Rogue: "Yes I have missed you and your smile. We have had some great times and I am glad we can now have more!"

Scholar: "Kelli-kins, I am glad you are back in my life. You are good people."

Professor: "Really it is just a different version of you, much happier I might add. Besides you will always be a friend."

Ginger: "I does not matter, you are happy and I have never seen you so happy!"

Pixie: "Lean on your friends- we all love having you around."

None of these people have bothered to tell anyone else they have introduced me to anything about my past. I am simply their friend Kelli. Sometimes quirky, sometimes snarky, but always fun and welcome.

In fact Ringo(The nickname he already had), Trinity(if you knew her you would know why the character from The Matrix fits), Edison, Trinity's husband(who is an electrician, but I have way too much respect for Tesla to use him as a nickname),  Critic(what we do not go through with him to pick movies), Kaylee(nicknamed for her favorite Firefly character), have given me a standing invite to Wednesday night dinners at Ringo's home. We enjoy dinner and some TV or a movie. Always fun and yummy.

Ringo actually said this to me: "We had a good idea we liked you because you like to game. Now we are finding out that you like a lot of the same movies and shows we watch too."

Trinity is almost my doppelganger, crazy how we grew up geeking out on a lot of the same things and sharing similar interest growing up. We have been talking more and more because it can be so hard to find a kindred spirit.

There are also my new roommates Bonnie and Clyde who have told me straight up they loving having me as a roommate.

My new employer has not been told except for my HR rep and HR department head. They had no issues with it and were happy to have my on board. Everyone else takes me as is. There is more coming is a larger post that I have been working on so I will save it for that.

Lastly is extend friends and family, most of them knew me since I was little. Sometimes from day one. I see them from time to time. My parents have stayed in close touch with them many of them. Of course they are going to ask my parents how their kids are doing.

To which I have given my mother cart blanch to discuss with them. She has been so proud of the person I have become. I also know it is not easy for her to share it with everyone but she does anyway. Many of these people she has brought up to speed regarding my function have expressed a lot of support to my mother. More so after some of them have met me in person.

Others have expressed an interest in getting a chance to meet me.

My extended family has been even better totally taking it in stride to the point they have been making sure that I am in the loop on family events.

I am perfectly fine with all this. People have been extremely supportive and my status as a Trans Woman does not come up after the initial telling.

I cannot say that this will work for everyone. If you are planning or have transitioned it may be better for you to not spread the word as much. I cannot say for sure it will be up to you to decided what you should do.

All I can tell you is my policy. Which is basically new people do not get told the old ones can be.

That is my story and I am sticking to it.

Working Stiff

As you all know I left my previous job.

This would be the one that I transitioned at.

Now there were growing pains, but for the most part the company and colleagues were great. I honestly could not have asked from much more from them.

Still nothing lasts forever.

The first year was good after transition.

Then somewhere earlier this year things shifted.

I am not sure why or how either. To this day I am a little baffled by it.

Yes, the tone of conversation in meetings and between the team changed a bit.

Hey, there was a girl in the room now and they were on much better behavior. Not that they were ever bad about it but we all know men will complain about their wives. Frankly having worked in a department of mostly women when younger the same can be said for women complaining about their husbands.

Really both sides do it, even if they will not admit to it to the other side.

(I do wonder if the same happens with gay or lesbian couples. I have to imagine it does but I have not worked with many to know if they do it in the work place. Something to ponder.)

Still they did clean up their act with no prompting from me.

I even had my old manager apologize to the group once that if I was not in the room he would have had something to say about the woman we just talked too on a conference call.

I laughed and told him not to worry. She was being a bitch and I would not be offended at all. Seriously she was EXTREMELY difficult to talk to and reason with. Men do it and I call them assholes or jerks. Point is the label fit. Even if it some thing it is unpleasant.

Some people are just unpleasant period.

Now I know through all this perceptions changed regarding me. I also had to learn how I now fit into the dynamic of the team.

Which I thought I had done for the first year, but we had a number of engineers leave and get replaced. I feel that fact had something to do with it.

Some of the newer people seemed to have an issue with a woman being as smart or smarter than them.

This caused a few conflicts though minor.

I have never been a confrontational person. Ever. It is just not my nature. I have, however, learned to stand my ground in the face of much stronger personalities than mine. I have worked with a lot of arrogant or outspoken men over the years who cannot possibly be wrong. I have had them shout in my face or throw me under the bus. I simply learned to let my work speak for myself.

I am also not afraid to ask a person how they intend to make something happen. I hear it all the time with people wanting to install or implement some fantastic solution. At my old place of employment I would say "that is a great idea, but with no budget how to you plan to facilitate that implementation?" or "I would like to see that too, but there is no X resource available for that" or "Based on our current configuration that is not possible."

Or my absolute favorite:

"If we do that we will effect twenty-five hundred people."

Which usually gets management to raise their eyebrows.

I got the feeling that these other engineers did not like hearing the possibility of it happening might be no.

I understood this since I often come up with ideas and get told no. Usually because of budget sometimes because of the configuration of the environment. The difference with me is I would start smaller and keep moving little parts into place to eventually get it there.

I like new and shiny technology as much as the next person. I have just learned through management that sometimes I have to be practical and patient.

Still I think a woman NOT backing down from her position frustrated them. I also noticed it was the younger generation which I feel was more along the lines of they did not like ANYONE telling them no.

Whatever the cause was, it made my life difficult and I needed a change. I just felt it was time. This prompted me to put my resume up and see that I could find.

I generated a lot of interest early. Spoke to a number of companies and waited for the right thing to come along.

Even turning down two positions because I did not like to people interviewing me. Seriously is surprises me that people do not realize I am doing that. I have no issue asking questions in return and seeing the response I get.

I have worked for a number of managers either directly or as a consultant. I have learned that if you do not have a grasp of your environment and seem wishy-washy I am either not going to want to work for you OR I am not going to like working for you while I am there for whatever project I am there for.

I guess it comes from doing or seeing so many different companies and how they are run while I worked in the field as a consultant. When I started entertaining the idea of working for one company I want to get a feeling management knows what is going on. What they want and how to get it.

It makes my life more enjoyable.

Trust me I felt bad I was passing up these opportunities but I really wanted to find something I felt I would be happy with.

I was also looking rather hard at moving out of state basically I was not concerned with where anymore.

Eventually I got a call from a recruiter who mentioned a position in my home state that was in an area I always wanted to move too. It was one area that would make me consider staying in my home state.

At first I was skeptical when I was told who the company was. Though when I heard about the environment and how aggressive they were with technology I was very interested.

After three lengthy phone interviews I was given an in person interview.

Having gotten early interviews out of the way {link} I felt really good going into this one.

Coming out of it I felt even better. Although I was in there for a grand total of two and a half hours...

O_O

...it was one of the best interviews I have ever had. The management team that interviewed me were simply amazing and it was very obvious that they had a an amazingly solid grasp of their environment. They also knew the shortcomings and were working on plans to resolve those. They just needed talent to do it.

I walked out of there wanting the job badly. I wanted to work for these people. I wanted to live in the area that this company was located in.

And I did not have to wait long. I was in for my interview on Monday, I got a call Thursday night that the offer was forthcoming. That I needed to have a drug screen(which I am fine with), to allow it to happen.

The truly crazy part is that Friday I was off to Paris, France with the boyfriend and which left me scrambling a little.

It made the trip even better and I was able to come back to work post vacation and turn in my two week notice.

That is the second time I have done that.

Seriously I do not plan it that way.

How is it so far?

Well in just a couple of weeks I can tell you that I love the place. I am enjoying what I am working on. The people are great and I am excited to go to work in the morning again.

There have been some interesting observations recently, but those are for another post.

It might never know exactly why things fell apart at my old job. It could have been my being trans, the history, the new blood's lack of respect for women, or something I am not even thinking of.

I do not know but it is not the first time I left a job because the climate changed so much. In years past it was not me either it was new managers who completely changed the culture.

We shall see what happens here with this one, but I am far more relaxed and comfortable here.

So far...so good.

The Memorial

This post is a bit late.

There is a number of reasons for that.

I have been an extremely busy girl since early July. In fact I was gone every single weekend in August.

It was so bad I could not even clean my room for a month.

I know because I did so finally for the first time this last weekend.

Before you all get judgmental. It was not a pigsty, but I definitely had some clutter that had built up and some of my traveling items that needed to be stored.

Which is why there has been a bit of a lag in my posting. It was not for lack of things to write. Nay, it is because I was so busy each week preparing for the next trip out of town.

Of which I have a few I am going to tell you about. First though I need to get caught up on this.

Mid Spring I had to attend the funeral of my Mom's sister. My Aunt.

Now this never came as a shocker, she had been suffering various health issues for a few years. Still last August she was diagnosed with a laundry list of things including two forms of Cancer.

We all thought the same thing, it was not a matter of if. It was simply a matter of when.

Even my mom held no delusions about this. Her relationship with her sister was strained at best but my mom helped and did what she could, but often during out monthly dinners I could see the thoughts in her eyes and hear it in her words.

My Aunt was on borrowed time.

After she passed we planned a memorial, not an traditional funeral since she was cremated, and we put her with the rest of the family.

Most of the close and extended family came out. Along with a number of family and friends. We then attended a luncheon after.

What I came to realize during all this was that a lot of these people were meeting me for the first time.

Several people wanted to know who I was since they did not recognize me and this was obviously a family event with very close friends. Most of them had all met before. Prior to transition.

It went fine, I caught up with a number of people and had several great conversations.

After it was over I simply put it in the back of my head and really did not even think about it until about late June, mid July?

My Mom and I had both been busy and with everything going on we missed some time for getting together.

When we finally had a chance to sit down and catch up, my mom brought up the topic of the Memorial.

While I was thinking the worse(why else would she be bringing it up), she surprised me with the opposite.

She mentioned to me that since the Memorial she had caught up with a number of people who had attended.

They caught her off guard by bringing up the topic of me.

Across the board they all said the same thing.

"Oh my goodness, she is amazing! She is beautiful, funny, and personable! We like her a lot."

Even the few of those who where not initially enthusiastic about the news of my function, were surprised and changed their tune about it.

My mom was beaming as she told me this. She knows how hard it was for me to do everything that I did. How many people could not accept it and the friends or family that I had lost over it.

She even told me about catching up with her Priest(Catholic) and his continued gushing about me. I had completely forgotten it had happened at the Memorial but my mom had introduced me to him while there.

He took one look at me and said the following to my parents "Wow! You have a very beautiful daughter!"

He looked at me "Your parents must be so proud. How many kids do you have?"

I laughed "I am sorry I do not have any at this point."

"Oh but you are young, you have plenty of time. Are you married?"

Again I laughed "No, I am not right now." (If only he knew I was a 38 year old Trans Woman who cannot have kids).

"Really? I cannot imagine a beautiful girl like yourself being single for long."

He turned to my parents "You did a really good job with this one."

I spoke up from the side with a twinkle and a smirk "I try not to tell them that otherwise it goes right to their heads. Then they are impossible to deal with."

He laughed at it and my parents just smiled. It was nice to see my Dad actually laughing a bit.

He caught up with my mom at church later to see if I had met anyone yet and if I had not to invite me to one of the singles events at the church. My mom just chuckled about the whole thing.

{I should point out that he is not your typical droll Catholic Priest. He is engaging, funny, a bit evangelistic in his delivery and really likes to connect to his audience. I can see why my parents like him so much. If I was not an Atheist I would want a priest like him at my church.

After my mom related it all She looked at me and said this:

"I am so proud of you. You have become yourself and not only do I see it so is the rest of the world. I was not expecting all those people to comment like they did, but they did. They are seeing what I am seeing. An amazing woman worth knowing."

I wanted to cry. As much as all the positive comments and praise are wonderful to hear. What meant more to me was seeing my mom happy and proud of me. All I ever wanted was to by myself and to have others on board and telling my parents how much they think of me means more than anything anyone can say directly to me.

It is things like this that remind me at times that all this was worth it.

An Interesting Anomaly

I have noticed something rather interesting lately.

I am getting smaller.

For reals!

Before I explain this a little back story.

In early 2008 after I had lost a lot of my extra weight I settled into wearing sized 8/10 and medium/large in women's fashions.

In the following years as I finished losing the rest of my extra weight and started hormones I noticed a few more changes. I even posted some of them for curiosity's sake.

I noticed even more after the second year of hormones, but about all that changed was I settled into size 8 and mediums a little more and not much else. Really I remained there for the next two years.

Which is where I thought I would stay.

Until recently.

Since late last summer I noticed a shift.

A rather significant one at that.

First during the summer I found myself finding mediums or size 8 shirts to be too large. Causing me to try on a size smaller.

Initially this fact did not cause any suspicion to be aroused. I know brands and designers "sizes" differ a little between them. There is always some fluctuation to be found.

What I was clueless about at the time, was the fact that I was doing this more and more frequently. I was rather oblivious about it. Mostly because I wasn't doing a ton of shopping that summer.

It wasn't until I was visiting my best friend Laura for Thanksgiving and we did some serious mall walking that weekend. Hehe true story we even did some midnight Black Friday shopping. Mostly just to view the insanity, but ended up scoring a few things for ourselves once the mob scene quieted down.

The crazy part was I was grabbing mediums find them too big and going to smalls, and in more than few cases an extra small. I bought exactly no mediums. I would say I got 70% smalls and 30% extra smalls.

I also noticed any dresses that were tried on I was favoring a 6 over an 8. Even fitting best into a few 4s.

I was shocked.

As I mentioned I understand designers can fluctuate their sizes between them. Yet this was too big a change to often for me to say it was that.

Once I got home I put it to the test by grabbing some of my old shirts and sweaters that I had in my closet that were not that old.

I was swimming in most of them. Especially if they were supposed to be a bit more figure fitting. Anything that was meant to be over sized and baggy was even more enormous and baggy.

This fact had me pretty astounded since my size and shape had largely gone unchanged in the last three years. Even stranger since my weight has hardly budged in the last five years.

Now I should make you aware that all of this was in relation to my upper body, below the waist I still a 6 or an 8. (I favor a 6 for skirts and 8s for jeans.)

Seriously no change there.

None.

Everything else has.

I know this because all of that was not the most telling signs.

??

It was my feet.

O_O

I kid you not. I had noticed that I had been favoring a size 8 over 8.5(which was my typical size.)

Yet it was not my daily shoes or heels that made me take notice.

It was my ski boots.

A little background for those of you who are not skiers.

Ski boots are all sized the same. The length of your foot is measured in centimeters and that is where they start sizing a shell for you.

See the idea is the shell is designed not to be too much bigger than your foot. So that when it is buckled shut it compresses the softer inner foam liner around your foot. This fills in any gaps that might exist and the whole shebang becomes an extension of your lower leg.

Any gaps will cause you to have less control over your skis and often become uncomfortable as your foot moves around too much under the stresses of skiing.

The only differences between a men and women's boot is mens boots start and end at larger sizes. They are stiffer and a bit wider than a womens.

Meaning there is no difference when it come to sizing, you stand on a universal measurement device. Get your foot measured and they start trying shells on your foot to see how close you are to what they measured(Sometimes they have to go up a half size depending on the length of your foot).

This means a 27cm boot is the same in either gender. I know this because I know a few girls who are accomplished skiers and prefer the stiffness a men's boot has to offer for performance reasons.

The tricky part is if they will fit, because you start test fitting shells until you find what you are looking for then you clamp your foot in with the liner and start moving around walking, leaning, crouching in them to look for any spots that are pinching or causing discomfort.

This tells you if the boot will be comfortable or not as you ski.

[Word of advise for those would be skiers a good fitter will have you try on several pairs if they can find enough close to your foot size and always try getting fitted at more than one retailer.]

Well I had noticed my old boots were feeling off last year. They were about five years old so I was about due for replacing them.

Now this is where the shock comes in. My old boots were a size 27. Yes of course they were mens, but I knew that really didn't make too big a difference. Other than they were now feeling too loose. I ended up at that size because my foot measured somewhere between 26.5 and 27 back then.

Imagine my surprise when I got to one of my favorite ski shop, sat down with their fitter, pulled my boots and socks off, pulled on a pair of winter socks, and measured my foot.

I was just short of 25cm.

Double O_O

My foot had shrunk somewhere between 1.5 and 2 centimeters. Give or take.

I was trying on 25 and 25.5 boots. This was a huge change from my old ones. Had my foot really changed that much?

Maybe....but something else occurred to me.

I can tell you I always had a hard time fitting mens ski boots, I would try on a lot of pairs, and I do mean a lot until I found something that was really snug yet comfortable.

It never occurred to my why this was until now.

I also have a narrow foot.

As mentioned a ski boot is to very closely follow the shape of your foot. Men's boots were difficult for me because my foot never felt like it was ever being fully pressed in on all sides.

Putting a high end girls boot on(I am an accomplished skier, so I do want a full four buckle and rather stiff boot) shocked me as for once I felt it grab and hold my entire foot. Toes to heel, side to side.

It was a world of difference. My foot was no longer able to twist inside the boot. It felt completely snug but not uncomfortably so. Granted I did try on eight pairs total. Fussing with buckle settings and tossing out ones that might have pinched or pressed too hard in one spot. Enough to notice it anyway.

Settling on the ones pictured here.

[Total bonus on the color, as you do not get to pick it. Ever. Really I had a white and blue pair I liked along with a pair of Fischers that were bright yellow. Not to mention I tried on things that were orange, lime green, aqua and so on. Everything I wear has black, white, purple or some combination there off in it. So I totally lucked out on these.]

In the end though I am still in awe of the changes that have occurred. Even more surprised by the continued change. I certainly did not expect this since I started HRT at the age of 34..

Part of me does wonder, seeing that I was never very big to begin with, if I do have a smaller bone structure and it was simply weight and muscle mass making me appear larger. Now that more of it has disappeared or reduced my smaller frame is becoming more apparent.

Who knows really.

I will tell anyone who is trans that changes can and will happen, the younger you are the truer I think this is. Your personal results will vary and they will take time. I have personally experienced more changes in the time after I passed the twenty-four month mark than I did prior to that.

Crazy when I consider where I started and where I am today.

A Funny Thing Happened On The Way Too...

Recently a very dear friend of mine underwent GRS surgery.

{Editor's Note: GRS, GCS, SRS are all the same thing. It is the surgery to change your anatomy from male to female physically or vise versa but I think they have some other terms for the latter. Here I will use GRS. Don't argue. You will lose. ;)  }

Since she is very close to me (we often refer to ourselves as adopted sisters. As in she adopted me and I her.) I took a long weekend to go out and visit her in the first two weeks she was post op.

She really didn't have a choice either. She mentioned to me that it would be sweet if I came but that I didn't have too. This being said to me months before.

I kindly replied to her, "Sis, I was asking you when it was so I knew when to be there. I wasn't asking you if I could come. You frankly don't have a choice."

She laughed but I know for a fact she was very happy to see me and I her.

It also allowed me to see some things first hand since I am mostly likely going to be using the same surgeon. Where I will be. How she responded, and getting to see the surgeon in action, before I talk to her later this year. As I have a consultation with the doctor scheduled this coming September.

Now here is the entertaining part.

I went to the office with my friend for her first appointment post surgery. While we all were together in the waiting room the surgeon passed us by a few times.

After waiting for a short while my friend was called back into the room and I went off to grab some breakfast knowing she was in good hands, her spouse was with her. I had some time to kill and I was hungry.

Well I was hungry the gooey bits in between were not something I wanted to see.

When I returned they let me back in to hear the instructions at the end and I was sitting against the wall listening intently when the surgeon remarked that an in person follow up would be recommended at three and six months.

Now this whole time the surgeon had seen me, heard me and even complimented that it was good to see supportive friends.

So I was sitting against the wall listening intently when the surgeon remarked about the aforementioned follow up and would be recommended it be at three and six months postop.

Now as I mentioned I knew I have a consult with this surgeon scheduled for the fall. Doing the math quickly in my head I realized my appointment would be almost exactly three months(give or take a day).

At this point I jokingly piped up and mentioned that my friend and I could go together in September when I was to be back in that area.

The surgeon turned slightly to me. Since she was between the two of us off to one side, and stated, "Well I might not actually be here then."

My response as she started turning back to my friend, "Well I hope you are since you are the reason I am coming."

Her head turned back to me so fast to do a double take of me was comical. Her stunned expression saying exactly what we all thought at that time, as we all noticed it. She gave me a long look and asked my why I was coming out to see her.

"Well I have a consultation with you."

"For?"

"GRS."

Her eyebrows raised and she took one last long look at me, acknowledged it and moved back to finish talking to my friend to concluded the appointment.

We all laughed about it later. There she was with no clue I was Trans up until that point. Only that I was a supportive friend there to help out and support my friend.

However it was obvious I shocked her and had completely caught her by surprise.

At the same time I think it is a huge compliment.

There I was at a world renown Trans surgeon's office, someone who is Trans herself, sitting three feet from her, talking to her and I completely flew under her radar. I simply was another girl in the room.

Flattering and humorous all at the same time.

Sometimes I am surprised just how much people don't think twice about me and simply see me for me.

It is a nice feeling at the end of the day.

Kelli 301

Another course covering a more advanced subject about me.

I know I have reviewed some of the basics over the years.

A little about me being trans and what my plans are.

I have discussed what I do for a living.

Today I felt it was time to cover something I have largely avoided.

Sex.

Or more specifically my sexuality.

Now before you think this is going to get really juicy. It probably won't.

I am not the type of girl to kiss and tell.

Though I do feel it is time to explain my feelings about who I am.

The reason I have never mentioned it much before was simple.

It plays no part in being Trans.

Really.

I am not joking.

Sexuality and gender are two entirely different things.

I say this because who you are attracted to sexually and want to develop an intimate relationship is just a part of who you are.

The reason I say this is because growing up and in my past I know who I have been attracted to physically.

Both.

Seriously.

In my adolescence, as I developed both mentally and physically. I found both genders to be attractive.

As you can imagine it caused a lot of confusion for me in my life.

There I was clashing with my physical gender. Knowing I was attracted to girls. Yet at the same time I also knew that men were catching my attention.

Based on my social upbringing, i.e. my strong opinions of my father and brother, being attracted to men was wrong. So wrong in fact that I was completely afraid of these feelings.

Thus I never explored them. I simply went with the fact that I could date women. Since that is what I was supposed to do.

What caused an issue there was that I was always confusing them. Not to mention myself. Yes I could be attracted to them, but quite often, I wasn't perceived as someone they would desire to date.

I was always different or just a friend.

This was always the case if I ever tried to pursue a girl it ended this way. Not that I tried this often. The two lasting relationships were things where they actually pursued me.

You would probably think that this whole time I also still wondered about men.

You would be partially right.

I didn't believe the idea was some shameful thrill. No, I was under the belief it was wrong but at the same time I knew how I felt.

There were things about them that I found attractive. Would catch my attention and cause a lot of wonder

Still knowing how society felt(Which included members of my family and peers) I felt it wasn't something I shouldn't ever consider.

So I didn't...for a long time.

Until at which point I did.

This would have been between the two rather long relationships I had. After the first one ended a lot of things bubbled up to the surface of my mind.

One thing that came to mind, largely due to how that relationship failed, was my sexuality. For once I was out from the heavy scrutiny of being in school. I had more freedom even though I was still living at home while in college. With thoughts returning to the forefront of my mind I got curious about my sexuality for the first time.

Which made me decided to do something about it. Well, at least, attempt to.

Bet you want to know what it is?

I briefly tried dating a guy.

Now I now you want all the juicy details. However, I will not give them too you.

Sorry I am not the kind of girl to kiss and tell.

I will tell you this. We did eventually get intimate, to a degree. It really did confirm I was indeed attracted to men. It bothered me a lot that I really was(mostly because I feared what it meant), but it was the true. The second and more important thing was I was completely repulsed to the reason he was attracted to me. Sounds crazy I know, but when I finally opened that door to discover a part of myself I learned what I wanted and it was not to be treated as a man. I might have been really attracted to him. So much so that I no longer harbored a curiosity or fascination. Yet when he tried to return the affection it completely upset me. It wasn't how I wanted to be viewed, treated or approached.

Try as I might I just did not want to be viewed as a man. Even though I was interested in him.

I ended that very quickly, thankfully he knew I was new to things and was unsure of myself. Though I did hide any of the other feelings I had about being Trans.

Now while this seemed to open my mind to a number of things. Answered some question and created new ones.

Yet the end result was similar to ones I experienced in the past whenever I pushed into idea, area and feelings I was experiencing. That I was afraid of what was occurring so I pushed it deep inside again and hide from it.

The idea that struck me the hardest was that maybe I was a gay man. Yet at the same time this seemed odd to be based on my reactions to certain things.

I wonderabout this for a long time until I was able to discuss it with others.

Case in point. I once had a discussion with B, you remember B right. Now this particular conversation was shortly after he had met me as my old self. We were discussing things and he has asked if I ever had dated men as a man. I explained the story above. Mentioned how I felt about it and at the end apologized to him if my feelings or view point on it offended him.

He scoffed at me and said:

"You are not offending me at all. Honestly having met both versions of you. Being a gay man does not fit you. It is not who you are. You are such a girl that trying to define yourself as a gay man would not work. I know, I am one and it doesn't make any sense for you. You are more a girl than some girls I know. It is simply who you are."

It is was just another profound B'ism that I really am glad I had him for. It was like he always knew just what I needed to hear at the exact time I needed to hear it.

Thus through all of it I still did learn something important. I was indeed attracted to men but I did not want to be one myself. It wasn't me.

Never really was I guess.

Family Matters

A long time ago I talked about a part of my family.

They were a group I was pretty close to growing up and routinely saw them for the holidays and more.

Well as I mentioned so long ago it didn't sound like I was going to get a whole lot of support from that group.

Still I needed to tell them. At this point I had Christmas Eve rapidly approaching.

Earlier in the fall I had decided that out of all my cousins I would tell the third oldest first. (We'll call her Rock Girl, since she had an affinity for 80's hair bands, still does actually).

Out of all of my cousins she was the most open minded, even though she might be the most rebellious and outspoken.

She is also the one cousin I saw and talked to more often over the last few years.

Even though, the youngest and I are closest in age.

I'll call her Brat. Really I am not kidding she gets all full of drama at the slightest thing. (more I this very thing later)

Her sisters, as I have come to find out, often don't talk about things they have done without her. Because she will have a fit they didn't invite her AND she often doesn't make the effort to talk to anyone else. She ignores everyone unless she needs something then wonders why she gets left out. The other sisters talk constantly so often a gathering was a spur of the moment event.

I am digressing.

As for the two oldest I wasn't as close to them. Rock Girl just made a lot of sense. In fact my mom agreed with my assessment.

With that we has dinner shortly before the holidays. I had tried to reach her earlier but due to the things I was doing and she was out of the country on vacation. Well, it became much later in the month of December than I would have liked.

To keep this part of the story short since there is a considerable amount to tell. Dinner went fine. She already had her suspicions well over a year ago. Listened to everything I had to say. Asked some questions herself. In all it went well.

At the end of that night I reiterated the thought that she should take her time with this and let me know what she thought about approaching the rest of her family.

Little did I know what she was going to do.

By the time she called my Sunday night word had been spread.

She had talked to her Mom and Dad on Saturday. Then most of her sisters, a couple of the husbands and few of the older kids.

O_O

From what she realized to me that most of them seemed to be ok with it.

My Aunt stated that as long as I was happy she would be ok with it.

I even got some emails from a few of them all positive.

Rock Girl even told me they all wanted me to attend Xmas eve which is a tradition with that side of the family.

I was attending this last years since my father would be in attendance and I did not want to take away from any ones holidays. Really he was doing his best to not be nice to me lately and I just was not in the mood to feel uncomfortable all evening.

Now I am sure you are thinking this is the end of the story right?

Wrong.

This is a two parter.

After getting though some of the things I had scheduled for the first month of the year. I got in touch with Rock Girl again to discuss getting together.

She happily accepted and asked me if I minded if sister or two showed up.

I was good with that and we picked a Saturday afternoon in early February.

Only we didn't get together on that Saturday.

...

We switched to Friday night for dinner at my cousin's condo(which I had not seen yet) and I notified on Thursday night that  lunch with three of my cousin's would now be all of them, two of the husbands, my oldest cousins two kids, and the son's girlfriend, along with my aunt and uncle.

That is now a head count of eleven.

Double O_O!!!

I didn't panic, though I wanted to, and I did go.

After some initial awkwardness, and with the help of a very humors moment at the dinning room table. Which consisted of my Aunt and Uncle, Rock Girl, and my eldest cousin's husband(I'll call him Jester because he is such a goof ball). The tension broke and everyone slowly drifted to the dinning area.

Rock Girl and I talked about this after everyone else had left. We both were thinking the same thing early on. That this was not going to go well. I can't say it was a rousing success but it went far better than I thought.

The following week I got some great responses from my Eldest cousin's kids. The oldest of which was supper sweet and she even told me she liked this version of me a lot better. My Aunt told Rock Girl this: "She is so in her element now.  So relaxed and happy.  You can see just by mannerisms it where she is meant to be." Even my Uncle upon meeting me was ok with it. I think meeting me and seeing how normal I really am makes a huge difference.

I even got a huge hug from him a few weeks later when I saw him and he asked me "How is my favorite niece doing?" Made my whole day! Nay, my whole month!

The Brat however has been a little put out with me for not telling her first and correcting her once when she got the pronouns wrong. Rock Girl told me not to take it personally because I didn't do anything wrong. She also agrees I will have to correct people when they get it wrong. I have to get people to think differently. I am not mean about it. Yet the Brat took it personally.

Since then I have been able to go out shopping with Rock Girl and even meet some more of the extended family on my Aunt's side(I mostly only see these people at graduations and funerals.

All in All reactions as I have met family have been positive and far better than what my father and brother have done. I get that it is hard, but you don't have to be complete jerks about it.

In other news I have had some extended cousins on my mom's side of the family. They have been super kind in with their words and when a few of them return back to the area for Easter weekend want to have dinner with me. I have also heard from my mom that a few other aunt and uncles on her side want to meet me too.

After the depressing results I have had in some cases, and the crippling fears, I have been very pleasantly surprised with what has transpired in recent weeks.

No, not everyone is on board but today I have far more supporting me than I did before.

And that is a good thing.

Officially Semi-Official

This blog post title is sponsored by the Department of Redundancy Department.

Today was a big step in the process.

As mentioned my name changed got delayed a little because of a paperwork snafu.

Gotta love those!

Well delayed no more.

Today I got my name changed.

That is right I am officially Kelli Marie now!

No more other name.

Though I do now have to run around and change my name everywhere.

But it is a good problem to have.

Why the Semi-Official you might ask?

Well here in my home state we are no longer allowed to change the gender marker prior to having gender surgery.

I have to wait until that takes place change the birth certificate and visit the DMV yet again.

Oh well at least I can change it eventually.

In the mean time...

...WOO-HOO!!!! I am that much close to fully being me!!!!!

Brunch with B

This past weekend I finally had the chance to catch up with B.

He is back to first shift and loving it.

I am done with a lot of heaving lifting but I wasn't ready for a night out on the town.

Really with being only two weeks removed from surgery at that point 10pm comes and I am out of steam.

We did do lunch on Sunday. This is something we had done quite a few times in the past.

After lunch we descended on a favorite watering hole of his to catch up some more and see some other friends.

I know I surprised him at the restaurant when he saw the new hair color.

Took him a bit but he liked it.

He also took in the fact I was more comfortable with my hoodie being unzipped a little lower.

But the most telling was what he said shortly before I left.

"Kelli, You're different."

"Oh dear what did I do?"

"Oh, you did nothing wrong."

"Then why do you say I am different."

"Because you are. There is the quiet calm confidence about you now."

"Oh because I got a new hair color and boobs?"

"No, I am sure that helps, but that isn't it."

{Pause}

"Maybe it is the fact that for the first time in our entire history together that I go home today and I don't have to change back. That I get to just be me and I am better off for it. There is no anxiety, sadness, or depression to fight anymore."

"That is probably it, I just notice that you are far more relaxed and at ease today than I have ever seen you."

"Is that a good thing?"

"Oh yes. I like it. A lot!"

I love B. He has a way of saying things at just the right time. Even though he probably doesn't even realize that I need it said. (I probably didn't either)

His comment brought a huge smile to my face even though I know I had to leave shortly after I said it.

Yet he is right I am different I probably just don't even notice it.

I do feel it. More so the lack of all the bad stuff I was always dealing with. Which probably always seemed to weight me down. It is all just gone.

It was wonderful to see him again and since then we have already made plans to go out to see his cousin C in a few weeks. He and I will do Friday and Saturday night with her and the DJ.

I am so looking forward to it.

Under The Knife

I recently went in for yet another surgical procedure.

Honestly I am getting tired of doing this, but it is what it is.

Thankfully I am down to only two more and the next one is all done while I am awake.

That last one is a doozy though.

Meanwhile there was something I wanted to get done.

I could have gone without it but honestly I don't think that would have worked for me.

See while on HRT(wow there is a thought I am just a few months shy of three years), I developed in some areas of my body and not others.

Where you ask?

Well my hips and butt filled out really, really well. Though I had unusually hips for a guy before they look wonderful now. I have no complaint at all since it seems most don't experience that.

What didn't happen was my breasts.

Well...I got a little but really I was still very, very flat chested.

Try as I might I was just uncomfortable being that way, so I always was relying on a set of breast forms to fill out my figure.

Honestly it made a huge difference to me and how I felt, plus it just seemed my figure worked better that way. Having something there.

And it didn't need to be big, a full C worked wonders for me, so that is what I decided I would do.

After struggling to find a local doctor who would work with me(as some didn't want to) or I just didn't care for them. I located one on the other side of my home state.

I couldn't have found someone better.

Not only was his consult amazing. I have never been so measured, pinched or prodded. With my arms raised and lowered. Etc.

I was there for nearly two and a half hours.

At the end when I was sitting down with the Doctor, he gave me full explanations of every option available along with what he thought would work the best. He also addressed my concerns about certain approaches to all this. Really he explained everything to me and did his best to make sure I was comfortable with what was going to happen.

Though he did tell me he didn't get many patients like me he did tell me that he wanted the best possible results along with a great experience. Going so far as to tell me if anyone gave me a hard time in the office to: Let. Him. Know. Personally.

I think that statement sold me right there.

I did have to wait for a price afterward but he was really only 10% higher than what I was being quoted elsewhere. If I could get one.

(Honestly, he is one of the top doctors in the country, is developing a new implant, and teaches all over the world. He could easily go to one of the coasts charge more and get it.)

With that I was hooked and I booked my date for the end of January.

As we all know that has come to pass.

So how did it go?

Beyond all my best expectations. This Doctor is not only talented, smart, but passionate about his craft. He truly works hard at getting the best results possible for his patients.

Even in the manner where he brought in a bucket of markers in a rainbow of colors. Using them to mark locations of everything you can thing of regarding a breast augmentation and quite a few you haven't.

Every mark in a different color so as to not confuse them.

I joked with him about if he was going to use 'every' color(honest he must have had thirty or more).

His response was that he didn't know but was certainly going to try. All with a chuckle.

My nurse who handled me throughout the entire process was even more wonderful. Her conversation with me as I woke up and starting to make sure everything was working was one of the sweetest I ever had. I was waking up from anesthesia so I don't recall exact words, I just remember how sweet she was, how extremely supportive she was and how cute a girl she thought I made. Nothing but compliments about how wonderful life should now be for me.

All done while making sure I was comfortable as possible and catering to every need. The constant warm blankets were the best.

The results?

Amazing, even just three weeks out they look wonderful and I know they are only going to get better in the coming months as they settle into their final position and shape.

Add to that the level of completeness I know feel which has been major boost to my confidence.

I don't worry that a shirt maybe low enough to show a area of skin that in the past would have a had me in panic mode. Feeling exposed.

All it needed to be was a sliver.

The more and more I look into the mirror now the less I see of him and the more I see of myself.

I am nearly there and so much the better for it.

Again I could have opted to skip this step and at times I was on the fence about it.

I am so glad I didn't and even more glad I found the surgeon I did.

I owe him just a big hug when I see him for a check up in coming weeks.

P.S. I forgot to mention that on my week one checkup(I saw his current student as he was out of town teaching.) to make sure everything was progressing as planned. That while there I had four people in the office come in and ask how I was doing along with hugs. I swear I cannot believe the positive reactions I have been getting all around. Yet the people in his office have been amazing. All of them.

The Ugly Truth

I have a secret.

Really there is something I haven't mentioned on this blog.

Ever.

I am still afraid too and you might think less me after I tell you.

*sigh*

Here goes nothing.

I am not really blonde.

*GASP*

If you can get past the shock and awe that of this declaration. I want to talk to you about it.

My natural color is a rather sandy brown.

I know what the title of my blog is, I frankly picked it for two reasons.

One, I did color my hear blonder because my hair would change from a moderate brown to nearly the color of light sand if I left it alone during the summer.

The issue was my family has a proclivity to turn gray early.

I had reached that point quite a while back.

So I had been slowly adding blonde highlights to it once it became long enough a few years back to the point that I was a solid dirty blonde in hair color.

Second, and more accurately I named this blog the way I did because I liked the play on the old Clint Eastwood movie title. Plus it accurately represented what I thought transition was.

Good moments, Bad moments, and quite a few Blonde(or Duh) moments.

I honestly thought I would keep it and even go blonder after full time.

Right up until last Wednesday.

I can't even claim brown anymore either.

Well not completely.

With a hair transplant procedure pending for late April I thought it might be prudent to pick a color that would blend easier as transplanted hair grew out. Also I know bleaching is rather harsh on the hair.

I brought all this up Wednesday afternoon when I was at my hair appointment with my stylist. Who firmly agreed with the idea. It would make her job easier, my dealing with it easier and hopefully less damaging to my hair.

(You can color it after four weeks you just have to give your scalp time to heal after the procedure.)

However she knew I still wanted something fun and different. So she pulled out her books of coloring ideas and we proceeded to peruse the pages in an attempt to find an idea.

And did we ever find one. I saw an example, I pointed, and said 'how about that?'.

"Really?"

She looked at me a moment.

"Actually I think with your skin tone it would look great on you. You sure?"

I hesitated for just a few moments to really think about it.

"Yes."

Away she went, she did tell me she would cut the secondary color back just a bit so that the overall effected would be subtle. Especially after it washed out at bit.

After sitting nervously in the chair for 15 minutes, freaking when after she washed it out. I really started to grow on me. A lot!

Once I saw it styled out I could not stop grinning it was a huge change for me but I also loved how it looked.

What did I get?

Well if you look at the picture below, that is extremely close. As in it is almost a perfect match. It is mostly brown with a wonderful reddish tone to it.

The response?

Everyone has liked it. Women particularly but I have even gotten a few compliments from guys, including a few at work.

I will be honest I did freak myself out the following morning when I first got up and looked into the mirror. I just wasn't use to it.

And that is my dirty little secret. I am no longer blonde. I now have brownish red hair.

I do hope you call all forgive me.

But I love it and I am keeping it.

:D

Teardrops on My Pillow

Two weekends ago I got a call from my Brother on Friday night.

Sadly I had been kind of avoiding him. I felt bad about it but I just felt that if I did talk to him it would turn in a direction that would be uncomfortable and awkward at best.

Yet I felt compelled to answer it this time thinking I should stop and actually talk to him for a change.

It could not have been a worse decision.

Now it didn't start of bad. He brought up his favorite topic. The local NHL team that we are both huge fans of. Discussing things about the team the some of the issues they have been dealing with. Etc.

Nothing earth shattering with that. I don't mind it either for a couple of reasons. First if it gets a person comfortable talking to me, good. Second, talking about something familiar is always a good thing.

Well it didn't last long.

Sadly we got into what is going on with me.

I don't have a problem talking about it. I informed him of where I was at and what was happening.

I could hear some sadness in his voice, I assume in regards to losing his little brother. I made mention that he is gaining a little sister in the process. Not really sure that went over very well. I am trying to get people to look on the brighter side of things.

I know I have had to otherwise I would have lost my mind a long time ago.

We kept on this line of thinking and discussing the changes coming when the worst happened.

He interrupted me and started saying how he didn't understand how I could ever look like a woman. To the point that he actually started laughing about it and attempting to compare me to a famous model.

Did I mention he laughed?

It wasn't an uncomfortable laugh either. It was a plain cold laugh of 'you are going to look so ridiculous and I cannot believe you are doing this' laugh.

It hurt.

A lot.

If fact I think I was crying for the rest of the entire call.

I did manage to hide that. I also responded.

First I told him how unfair it was that he would compare me to someone else. Let alone a super model.

Really?

In today's day and age models are all what they appear.

Cindy Crawford once famously stated she wished she looked like Cindy Crawford.

Thus holding me to an impossible standard wasn't fair at all.

I was simply trying to be me.

I did my best to explain to him that even when I am trying to be a boy. I hardly if ever get identified as a boy. Nope I almost always get viewed as a girl these days no matter how I am dressed.

I also did my best to convey the idea that when dressed up a bit. I seem to attract a fair amount of attention and advances.

People seem to think I am pretty. So why should I accept what he thinks.

I understand he is struggling with it. I didn't get angry or mad at him. I just tried to tell him that no matter what he thought it wasn't what everyone else thinks.

As if he is one to judge at all. He ignored his family, ended up getting divorced, moving to the ends of the earth, hardly sees anyone or his kids, and now complains about how lonely he is.

Like this really make him a pillar of how to live life and judge others. What exactly has he done?

Nothing.

Yet he is my brother. I would like him to remain my brother. He can be a great person when he wants to be. I have learned and experienced a lot from him. Even if it was the wrong thing to do.

I just didn't need this now.

Plus as hard as I tried I wanted to end the conversation and get off the phone. I really didn't want to talk to him anymore after we went through all that.

Sadly I spent almost another hour on the phone after that. Still getting teased and laughed at.

I finally made a plea to get some sleep as it was late, and I got him to let me go.

It hurt.

It still hurts today.

I try not to dwell on it because in the long run his opinion will not matter much.

Maybe one day it he will see it, maybe he won't.

But I am not living my life for him anymore.

I am doing it for me.

No one ever likes to be laughed at, in that manner.

Worse still as it came from family.

I know I cried myself to sleep that night.

People Say The Darnest Things

As I have mentioned recently I disclosed my function to the human resources department at my current employer.

We all know that went rather well and since then things have been moving along. My department head was informed along with my direct manager. I haven't spoken to my department head but I have talked to my manager.

As to be expected he was shocked but that as long as I perform my job he told me he would be supportive. We both knew there would be some adjustments but we would work through it. I did leave myself open to questions if he had any and he did say he would take me up on that at some point.

So far, so good on that front.

I have not had the opportunity to talk to my department head but I plan on doing that soon.

Last week I had a meeting with my HR representative and it was nice to go over timelines and find out where everything stood at this point.

I know a few of the executives know and more will be finding out soon. Also we went over how announcement were being planned out and what I thought of things so far.

However one of the things that was supposed to happen at this meeting, didn't.

Namely meeting my HR director.

Since I had contacted HR and told them about my situation my rep has mentioned having me met her. I didn't disagree but since she is a very busy exec and between all our schedules I had not happened.

And at the little update meeting I had last week she was out with pneumonia so again we missed meeting.

Until today.

I made the march over to the other building at the appointed time and met with my rep briefly. After a brief talk he had me sit and wait in a sitting area that are dotted around the building so he could then go check to see if she was available.

After just a few minutes she popped out of her office and came over introduced herself and brought us all into her office.

A few pleasantries were exchanged and we moved on to the heart of the matter. My rep open with everything we talked about last week. Giving her a brief overview of timelines and other items. Several things were mentioned and he finished by asking me if Jan 3rd was still a date that would work for me and mentioned that from what I had told him work was the only place he really existed.

This was true and I stated that I had just reached a point with everything were work was really the only place he was left.

The Director interrupted at this point and asked me about these changes. I briefly described that I had spent the last three years changing who I was physically to match who I was.

"Can I ask you a question about this?"

"Of course."

"Has anyone asked or mentioned anything to you about your appearance?"

"Not really. Though a couple of people have asked about my hair but nothing much else has been said."

"Really?"

"Yeah."

She looked right at me with an expression that could only be described as awe.

"Honestly that completely surprised me. You, sitting here right now, look completely like a woman. If I didn't know you were supposed to be 'him' I wouldn't think twice about it."

You could have pushed me over with a feather.

From that point her whole demeanor was just a positive push that this wasn't going to be an issue. Almost like up to this meeting she was wondering how it was all going to work and the moment I walked into her office, that problem went out the door.

As if she knew right then and there. Ok this isn't going to be an issue. In fact it should be rather easy.

Her statement later about the bathroom issue really confirmed this when she told met that should not even be a problem as most people, if they were to encounter, me would not even realize anything. They were going to work on it and make sure everyone would be happy with the situation. She also came to understand that to force anything else would make my life difficult because it was obvious walking into the men's bathroom is not an easy task for me now.

We discussed several other things, all positive and the plan is starting to firm up.

They also told me that other than the immediate department and some other people I see from time to time they were not going to make it a company wide thing. Since I stay hidden in my little corner most days, she gave me the impression that telling everyone would place a unnecessary focus on me since she feels I am not really going to be drawing attention to myself otherwise.

This I think came from meeting me first hand and seeing what she was dealing with.

By the end of the meeting it was her hope that I could do this successfully, we are a creative environment and very diverse. However, as I have mentioned and she understood, that you just never know how someone will react. There will be a company notice regarding diversity sent out and it will focus a bit on having a trans employee. They just don't want to place a target on me as they feel it would be unfair.

It something were to come up it would have to be brought to HR's attention and discussed so it isn't like I am going to stay hidden by any means.

I can live with that and I actually like it. It isn't my intention to live fully stealth but I don't plan on advertising it either. Since I don't interact with 95% of the population why do they all have to be told upfront.

When you consider the reaction the Director had to my appearance, and mind you I was trying to be a boy, that says a lot.

I was always worried what kind of reaction I would get as I started coming out to work but I certainly did expect this.

End of the World as I Know It

Can I freak out now?

Please?

Pretty please?

With sugar on top?

Hard to believe I am here.

After all the pain. The lifetime of telling myself that this wasn't possible.

Sitting down almost four years ago admitting to myself I had an issue and that I needed help.

Working through all of it with a therapist, wrapping my noggin around the concept and setting things into motion.

Though it seems like everything has unfolded very slowly and has taken forever, a profound thought finally hit me.

I have 81 days left.

81?!?!

Where did that come from? It didn't seem that long ago I didn't know what was possible. I was still fighting myself with everything I had.

Working through numerous hangups to even take the smallest steps.

Yet here I am staring it right in the face.

So far things are good. Had a few more disclosures that I would say went ok.

Talked with HR yesterday, the are putting together a great plan to allow me to do this. They really have done their homework and talked about some of the things they want to do. I really do have to tip my hat to them in regards to their effort.

It was after the conversation I realized I am nearing a major, MAJOR, milestone.

And that I am really here at this point.

Jan 3rd will be my first day at work. At that point I will be living full time as me.

I am scared, nervous, excited and amazed all at the same time.

It really is very surreal.

All I have been doing is trying to deal with my anxiety keep doing things that I need to and taking my mind off it when ever I have down time. (I have been doing a lot of reading when I am not busy otherwise I think I would just let my nerves get the better of me if I didn't stay occupied with something.)

The clock is ticking things are about to change.

Change is good right?

Disaster Averted

This last week I had my annual physical with my general practitioner. Now as this appointment approached I realized I was getting low on my hormone supply.

Perfect! Usually when these two appointments get close like this I have my GP add a few extra test to the list and send the extra results to my HRT Doctor.

Knowing this I called the office of my HRT Doctor.

Only to find out he was no longer practicing at that office.

In fact they didn't have any way for me to contact him and scouring the internet and other resources I could not find him.

O_O

Oh, did I mention the HRT supply was getting low?

Yep, not good. remembering how when I stopped hormones for surgery I became the wicked stepmother incarnate.

Knowing this I starting scouring the internet and any other trans related forums I could find and came up with a name. Better still he was an Endocrinologist (which my other wasn't), which I had always would have preferred but had trouble finding one two and half years ago. On top of it all he is a well known Doctor at the biggest university around here. Not to mention one of the top medical schools in the country. Double super bonus he accepts my medical insurance.

And he sees trans patients.

Woot!

The issue was, when could I get into see him.

By the time I tracked all this info down the best I could do was call him the morning of my appointment with my GP. Hopefully I could get this resolved and have my GP help me in the mean time if there was an issue.

I called and got a wonderful office associate named Pam. She asked me why I wanted to see the doctor. So I explained I was on hormones and my last doctor was no longer practicing. My current prescription was running out and I needed to find a new doctor.

She told me that wasn't a problem but that he was on vacation in October so when he could get me in was going to be tricky. Yet before that she asked if I was a new patient to the Hospital and University's medical care program. Explaining that I was she still decided to double check.

"Let me just make sure you aren't in here somewhere. What is you last name?"

Which I supplied.

"Ok what is your first name?"

{Knowing that my insurance was on my old name still, and that for now I am legally known as him I gave her that one. }

"Wait...Your {His name}?"

"Yes."

"oh...{pause}...OH! I see, well you aren't in the system, but for our records do you have another name you prefer, so that we can put it into our records?"

"Yes, Kelli. Is it going to be an issue that my name isn't changed yet?"

"Oh no, of course not! We just want to know so we address you correctly when you are here. Are you going to be changing it?"

"Yes, that should be happening sometime in the next six months."

"Great! Well for now we will bill you with the old name but when you change it and your insurance changes just let us know so we can update everything."

"Thank you so much."

"Oh it is no problem at all sweetie. Now lets find a day we can get you in."

Which she did. She was so very sweet and apologized for a system goof on her part. Which didn't bug me at all. She was very nice and extremely helpful so taking a little longer to sort things out wasn't an issue. She found a couple of dates in November for me and I choose the first one that would work the best.

Appointment set she put me on hold and got the records office on the phone to properly get all my insurance info into the system. Before she let me go she did inform me that I would be getting a patient record card in the mail and a notice of my first appointment. And to bring the patient card with me as it will expedite entering my info into the system.

That all set I had one other issue to take care of.

Namely, my current hormone supply was not going to last until the second week of November.

Off to my annual physical I went.

Once my Doctor got into the room, we went over everything that was going on. He did the standard physical once over for someone my age and asked me about my hormones, as he isn't handling them. He just isn't experienced with it and doesn't feel comfortable doing so. Which is fine with me. I just want him to be me standard doctor and take care of the mundane stuff.

This allowed me to then go into the story I mentioned already. He was shocked as he knew the other doctor and had not heard anything. He was then extremely curious as to what had happened. I did stop him before he went to far and added that I was going to run out of hormones soon and was wondering if he could refill my current script so I would at least have enough to get me through the waiting period and than have the new doctor take it from there.

He asked how long I had been on these doses and I told him almost twenty months. This relaxed him a bit as he wasn't going to be changing what I was taking.

We then finished my appointment, had the nurse come in and draw blood for the usual test and the extra ones. Prescriptions in hand I was on my way.

Glad a least to have myself covered until the end of the year and a new doctor on the way. Because when I found all this out I was in total panic mode since things had been going so well up to this point. That and I recalled the misery I was in during the time I had to stop for surgery.

I am so not looking forward to that ever again.

At least I manage to avoid that again.

Tipping the Scales

And no, this post as nothing to do with the bathroom variety.

For me to successfully transition I had to defeat my long standing arguments and logic of why I shouldn't transition.

Minus the fear, which is always there. I had to undo one basic fundamental reason I usually used to stomp out the idea whenever it came roaring to the front of my head.

You(as in me)don't look like a girl.

It was easy to use against myself. As strong as the desire was to do something about my transsexualism I could take one look in the mirror and say; Nope, not even possible! End of story.

I mean really, I had let myself go. I was fifty pounds over weight, I was flabby, hairy and had been cutting my hair incredible short for fifteen years.

To say the experience of stepping outside as me, the first time, was traumatic is a bold faced understatement.

Every argument and logical reasoning, all fueled by fear, I had was in my head resonating like a jet airplane. Screaming at me that this was all wrong, it would never work, etc, etc, etc.

And really I came home and cried that day for two reasons.

First, I never thought it would ever be possible.

Two, I didn't want to live the way I had anymore.

No easy feat. I knew right away I had a very long road ahead of me. Yet if I was going to do this I needed to change just about everything about me.

At least physically.

I started a controlled and careful diet and consistent exercise. Which I maintain as best I can to this day.

I began letting my hair grow out.

Then there was the removal of facial hair. (Still working on this one but I am getting really close. YAY!!)

Next I brought hormones into the mix. This had a larger effect on me mentally but the physical changes cannot be discounted.

The other ingredient was time. Really I started all this four years ago, maybe not all at once but I did start with what I could at that time.

I simply needed to sit back and let all these ingredients simmer for a bit.

When they were close and almost ready I added in a big one by changing a few of my most glaring facial features via surgery.

Really there were a few things that just had to change and a couple I wanted for aesthetical reason.

OK! Shush, so I was also being a little vain. Fine, I'll admit it but if I was going to go under the knife why not spruce up two things. Again I was trying to defeat a long standing reason for not transitioning.

Now that I have taken the time, the pain, the process. Things have indeed changed and for the better.

This was a driving force behind my finally telling HR. I had simply stopped existing as a boy, not counting work.

Once things finally had healed up, and other things kept changing. (Think hair) I would try to present the world with a boy and fail miserably at it.

To the point I can't even show someone my old drivers license and have them use the old gender pronouns toward me.

He, effectively, is gone. The constant reverberation of what the world at large thinks about me, when they see me, has finally quashed those old arguments. They simply have no muscle behind them and their faint little whimper is about to disappear entirely.

I literally tipped the scales the other way. I am no long afraid of stepping out of the house as a girl. It doesn't bother me. I simply am.

The converse side of the equation is that I am uncomfortable attempting to be a boy. Sans work, every other local I step into has viewed me as a girl. I get more odd looks then than I do as a me.

There was a lot of pain. It took a lot of patience but the balance as swung. I know who I am know and I am comfortable with that person.

I am not saying this method is for everyone. Some people might just be able to go into head first and handle it just fine. For me, I need to push myself far enough that there were wasn't another option. Because I knew fear would convince me to take it.

Am I done yet? No. There are a few things left to do. Thought I am far enough along that they aren't a big issue and one of them would only happen after I went full time anyway.

And that isn't that far away.

And Now For The Rest of The Story

As you might know I recently did something rather earth shaking and profound.

I sent my letter to HR. You will also know that I got an email in response to my letter informing of an upcoming meeting to meet my HR rep face to face.

I could hardly wait. /sarcasm

This was to happen last Thursday.

So shortly after lunch I grabbed my notebook and began my trek over to the other building. (I have mentioned in the past that I work in a much smaller secondary building from the rest of the company.)

I can tell you this. My stomach was turning over like crazy. I had no idea what was coming. I had every reason to be hopeful with the email response I got from my rep didn't seem to indicate anything to really worry about.

That doesn't mean I didn't worry. If there is one thing I have learned in all of this is that one can never tell what someones reaction will be. In this case there was a tremendous amount on the line.

Without my job I would be unable to complete my transition. Though there is a chance that I would find work elsewhere you have to consider the current economy would not exactly be in my favor.

Having walked a number of times between these two buildings I can tell you without a doubt this was the longest and most nerve wracking of them all.

I made my way up to the fourth floor and back to the location HR was in. (Now I am not in this building very often so this was actually my first official visit to HR. Everything else has either been done in a conference room in a different location or via phone/email.

Now HR is located in a back corner, I would also imagine they don't get a lot of visitors there. Well I could be wrong it just seemed as I walk up to my reps desk he seemed to know someone was approaching and turned to see who it was.

Which is when he paused. Looked at me for a second, tilted his head and quietly asked:

"{his name}?"

"Yes."

He brighten up at that point and greeted me. Then he directed me to a little conference room they have up in their area. Told me to sit and make myself comfortable while he closed the door and sat down himself.

The first thing he said to me was this:

"I just want to say that in my eleven years of working HR have never encountered this. I do want to say before we go any further I think what you are doing is extremely brave. Second I also want to tell you that was one of the best letters I ever read regarding any situation. You obviously put a lot of thought and effort into it. It also didn't force or demand anything from us. I was really impressed."

So far so good.

"Now before I go into any of my question and ask you if you have any I just want to say HR is fully behind you in this. We want you to be able to do this successfully and we want you to be able to do it without any changes in your position or employment status."

"I can tell you this, you are the first I have ever encountered. So this is all new to me. Also I have talked to the director of HR and it is a first for her too. I do apologize but we are going to be learning a lot about this as we go. I hope you don't mind me using you as a source of information."

Can you day big sigh of relief?

With that we moved into a number of questions about things. Including some of my story on how I got to this point. Things I had to do yet. Time off that might be needed. We established a rough idea of how to go about telling my boss, manager and the rest of my team and the IT department. We talked concerned and issue. Maybe not resolving them but at least getting them out in the open so that everyone will know they are there.

My goal here was to start and open dialog and go from there. I didn't want to tell them how to do it. I want their opinions and hopefully just guide it along with what I feel would be best for me.

I am due to met the HR Director this week and they are going to talk to my boss. Which should follow with my manager.

Lots of back and forth, he stated he was very excite to have the opportunity to work with me to get through this.

I don't know who true all this is, but it does make me feel hopeful that this could go well. We shall see.

Oh and the awkward moment when I first showed up? Well being in HR he pulled up my ID badge, which is a bit out of date to put it mildly. His confusion was he was expecting someone else and I showed up. Let's just say we had a little chuckle about how the two didn't match.

I walked out of there feeling better but still woozy and in some shock that it all happened and it went as well as it did so far.

It is going to be an interesting few weeks as this news filters down to other people.

Even today I can't believe I did it.

Wish me luck!

I Took The Red Pill

If you have been follow the story of our intrepid heroine up to this point you will know a few things.

One, I had some important things that were on the horizon. I mentioned them here.

Two, One of them specifically was talked about here.

Guess what?

It didn't happen.

HR canceled on me. I got pulled away by some extended time off.

Dealt with an event that left me mentally and physically drained.

Really trying to do this earlier this year and I would have broken down completely. I was a bit of a mess.

This brings us to now.

As in now, now. Not just then.

Recently I have been feeling a gather of energy, if you will. A desire to finally get this over with, good or bad. It just has become time.

After a few weeks of planning and preparation. I did something yesterday that completely tilted my world on edge.

I sent my letter to HR.

YES!

Really!

I kid you not!

Thankfully I had a long distance friend to help me through the last minute stuff, moral support and was online with me when I did it.

Seriously I think I stared at that email with my letter attached for a full five minutes.

The stupid 'send' button was so taunting me.

Finally with a lot of encouragement and closing of my eyes, away it went.

It almost didn't feel like it happened.

Yet it did.

What happened?

Well for a few hours nothing. At all.

No joke.

Finally after what seemed like and eternity. I got an email back.

The news?

Nothing bad at this point I just have a meeting scheduled with him later this week, in person. This came today after I already talked to him yesterday.

It is official I have taken the red pill and I am going to see just how far this rabbit hole goes.

Stay tuned to find out just how this tale will end.

In the mean time is it a brand new world.

Dinner With The Professor

I think I mentioned recently that I had dinner with the Professor. Actually this post will cover not only that but the followup conversation we had two days later via internet chat.

We decided on meeting at my house for a little Italian. I had sauce at the ready and brought home some mixed filled baci to serve it with.

Being a teacher he was trying not to go out at as much during the summer and actually I have been trying not do that myself either.

With that he came over, I had dinner just about ready by the time he walked in.

For the most part dinner was polite conversation. General chatting about things. We discussed the book he is writing(he is an English teacher) that I sadly have not had time to catch up on. I have an early manuscript but I don't have time to read like I used to and I am trying to finish one book before I move on. I felt bad but I am anxious to read it as he made changes based on my input. I had read a previous version and suggested a non-linear storyline. Alternating between the characters past and present. Kind of exciting if you think about it.

No idea if I will get mentioned in the forward but hey.

We finished dinner and continued talking, which prompted me to start cleaning up and doing dishes.

At some point during cleaning he stopped me and asked this:

"Why are you so nervous?"

"Excuse me?"

"You have been tense all night. In the past I have watched you open up and...well...change. I was quite surprised about how feminine your behavior really is when you dropped the act. Quite frankly I am a little upset that you seem so uncomfortable right now. I mean I do know and I have still been talking to you."

I was stunned. In my defense I don't think I even realized I was that tense. I had been at work all day. I run with that personality and honestly I was just probably in my usual defensive practiced persona. I am good at it, it is almost second nature. Granted it is slowly slipping away but it is still there.

I then decided to explain to him that he could also be scrutinizing me more than he might have in the past. Simply put since I told him, he is looking at me thinking how could you possible be a girl.

This prompted me to explain to him that I have the opposite issue with my friend B. He has only ever met me as a girl and when I tried to show him the boy he examined me the same way. Thinking along the lines of 'this is the boy? well it ain't working, cause all I see is the girl trying to be something she isn't and frankly looks silly doing so.'

This caught the Professor off guard.

"Wait, you have been out dressed as a girl?"

"Yes."

"How long have you been doing that."

"With any type of effort and regularity? The last couple of years. I had to find out if I could even do it."

He had no idea, and really, I hadn't told him that. When I am dealing with people who know 'him' I try to tread lightly. I don't want to assault their senses with too much information. I just put the issue out there and let them come to me. If they are so inclined.

Not all have.

We dove into that topic a little more and I elaborated on the fact that I dress how ever I feel like. Within reason, but that my sense of style is that of the average girl and I probably look casual most of the time. Though I do quite often look put together even when dressing for everyday. I also told him that if I ever did get read I didn't know it or it that it was a rare occurrence these days as I just don't even see any weird looks or stares.

We talked for about another hour and a half, he asked some great questions. I covered them as best I could explaining some things to him.

Near the end of the night he stopped me.

"Since I called you out earlier for being tense and guarded, you totally relaxed and opened up. Your whole demeanor changed and I am sorry you felt that you still had to be on guard. I know I still have a lot to learn and understand. Do know this, however, you can be you around me I hope you do know that?"

I thanked him, but also explained that there were a number of people I knew that he could be with you yet did not know. Which meant that there might be times when I cannot be that open, even if he was around. Yet that I did hope it wouldn't be an issue for too much longer.

He seemed to really understand my dilemma. Which was further explained to him a few days later via IM.

Overall I give him a lot of credit. He is trying to understand and get to know all of me. I think he was just irritated with me because I had returned to old form even though he knew. I think we are still in that feeling things out stage and trying to get used to each other now that this rather interesting dynamic has been introduced.

Hugs all around as he left and the promise that we will indeed again car pool come this fall. Plus we will be getting together again soon as our schedules allow. He was actually reluctant to go now that we had gotten somewhere but he did have a family to get home too.

This will be an interesting one to deal with as things are reviled to him but I can say he has been nothing short of tremendous in his support of me in all this.

Those kind of friends are indeed precious and hard to find.

I do hope it can last through all this.