Dinner With The Professor

I think I mentioned recently that I had dinner with the Professor. Actually this post will cover not only that but the followup conversation we had two days later via internet chat.

We decided on meeting at my house for a little Italian. I had sauce at the ready and brought home some mixed filled baci to serve it with.

Being a teacher he was trying not to go out at as much during the summer and actually I have been trying not do that myself either.

With that he came over, I had dinner just about ready by the time he walked in.

For the most part dinner was polite conversation. General chatting about things. We discussed the book he is writing(he is an English teacher) that I sadly have not had time to catch up on. I have an early manuscript but I don't have time to read like I used to and I am trying to finish one book before I move on. I felt bad but I am anxious to read it as he made changes based on my input. I had read a previous version and suggested a non-linear storyline. Alternating between the characters past and present. Kind of exciting if you think about it.

No idea if I will get mentioned in the forward but hey.

We finished dinner and continued talking, which prompted me to start cleaning up and doing dishes.

At some point during cleaning he stopped me and asked this:

"Why are you so nervous?"

"Excuse me?"

"You have been tense all night. In the past I have watched you open up and...well...change. I was quite surprised about how feminine your behavior really is when you dropped the act. Quite frankly I am a little upset that you seem so uncomfortable right now. I mean I do know and I have still been talking to you."

I was stunned. In my defense I don't think I even realized I was that tense. I had been at work all day. I run with that personality and honestly I was just probably in my usual defensive practiced persona. I am good at it, it is almost second nature. Granted it is slowly slipping away but it is still there.

I then decided to explain to him that he could also be scrutinizing me more than he might have in the past. Simply put since I told him, he is looking at me thinking how could you possible be a girl.

This prompted me to explain to him that I have the opposite issue with my friend B. He has only ever met me as a girl and when I tried to show him the boy he examined me the same way. Thinking along the lines of 'this is the boy? well it ain't working, cause all I see is the girl trying to be something she isn't and frankly looks silly doing so.'

This caught the Professor off guard.

"Wait, you have been out dressed as a girl?"

"Yes."

"How long have you been doing that."

"With any type of effort and regularity? The last couple of years. I had to find out if I could even do it."

He had no idea, and really, I hadn't told him that. When I am dealing with people who know 'him' I try to tread lightly. I don't want to assault their senses with too much information. I just put the issue out there and let them come to me. If they are so inclined.

Not all have.

We dove into that topic a little more and I elaborated on the fact that I dress how ever I feel like. Within reason, but that my sense of style is that of the average girl and I probably look casual most of the time. Though I do quite often look put together even when dressing for everyday. I also told him that if I ever did get read I didn't know it or it that it was a rare occurrence these days as I just don't even see any weird looks or stares.

We talked for about another hour and a half, he asked some great questions. I covered them as best I could explaining some things to him.

Near the end of the night he stopped me.

"Since I called you out earlier for being tense and guarded, you totally relaxed and opened up. Your whole demeanor changed and I am sorry you felt that you still had to be on guard. I know I still have a lot to learn and understand. Do know this, however, you can be you around me I hope you do know that?"

I thanked him, but also explained that there were a number of people I knew that he could be with you yet did not know. Which meant that there might be times when I cannot be that open, even if he was around. Yet that I did hope it wouldn't be an issue for too much longer.

He seemed to really understand my dilemma. Which was further explained to him a few days later via IM.

Overall I give him a lot of credit. He is trying to understand and get to know all of me. I think he was just irritated with me because I had returned to old form even though he knew. I think we are still in that feeling things out stage and trying to get used to each other now that this rather interesting dynamic has been introduced.

Hugs all around as he left and the promise that we will indeed again car pool come this fall. Plus we will be getting together again soon as our schedules allow. He was actually reluctant to go now that we had gotten somewhere but he did have a family to get home too.

This will be an interesting one to deal with as things are reviled to him but I can say he has been nothing short of tremendous in his support of me in all this.

Those kind of friends are indeed precious and hard to find.

I do hope it can last through all this.