Tuesday, March 17, 2009

The History of Kelli - Part VI - The Final Chapter

Unless I decided to make several prequels or better yet how about a story reset.

I like that last one better.

Now if only I had a Hollywood type budget to handle that reset. ;)

Moving on in my little story, as you know I had broken off a long relationship, felt adrift again and had GID re-entering my thoughts.

Problem was it was returning slowly. I have done such a good job of burying the issue, that I buried it rather deep. Really deep. Which means it was going to take a while to uncover.

And let us not forget that I was still deep in denial mode.

(I honestly wish that I would have had a stronger push when I was younger, yes transitioning as a child would have sucked but I know life only really begins later, children can be cruel, and I believe that the further you move away from the transition the more it fades into the past. Granted I am sure there are some exceptions to this)

So instead of dealing with it I again tried to deny and suppress it.

I even found another woman to have a relationship with. Part of the reason was this one was so different from the last one. She had her head on her shoulders, a career, somewhat of a direction in life. Not to mention her personality appealed to me. We just hit it off.

And here again I thought was something I could do to push my issues into the back of my head. Here I had someone who I respected, liked, had the same goals and direction I did.

However I will admit during this I wasn't sure I wanted to get married. Call me snake bitten, gun shy, or just general reservation that I was doing it entirely for the right reasons.

Part of me feels that if my dysphoria was more up front or at the top of my thoughts I wouldn't have.

Not because I didn't like her, it is more of I didn't want to ever put her through what I am now.

But I did any ways, and for a while it worked.

But the insistence creep was there. Slowly but there.

In our discussions I can't know exactly what she is feeling. But I am not ignorant to the fact that her feelings are hurt, she is probably disillusioned and might be watching her life slowly fall apart.

I am not foolish enough to believe otherwise.

Know this, I understand that I might be destroying her life, but I understand too that to get where I want I also might have to completely destroy my own. So all the hurt and pain she feels, I feel twice.

At the same time though she doesn't understand what has been running through my head. Nor can understand how disconnected I feel from the life that I have built for myself.

Or the fact that I feel I have been lying not only to myself but to everyone else. I have spent 34 years convincing everyone around me that I exist as they know me.

Add to that the fact that I simply want to let go, to be myself to be the girl that has always been inside here or at least try.

And that is where I stand today. On the cusp ready to take a couple of important steps forward but still holding off since I know some of them are going to cause hurt.