In & Out

An interesting comment was made on my blog after this post.

The general perception was that one should not tell others they are Trans and that individuals that do this are making a dire mistake.

Bad things would happen. Fire and Brimstone! Dogs and cats living together! MASS HYSTERIA!!!

Feh.

Honestly, this may or may not be true.

I make this statement because each transition is different. While often similar in steps we all have different issues within our own transition that makes each situation unique.

For me, while in transition, I told and explained what was happening with me to those I felt were involved in my life.

I had some walk away and I had others surprise me with unwavering support to this day.

It is, I feel, important to get as many people to stand with you as is possible. If I had to do it alone I would have but having the extra support was priceless.

The rub is what to do post full time.

Well....I think that is up to you and what you feel you are willing to do.

For me there are a few groups that will always get told.

First and foremost is Doctors. This I feel is of utmost importance. They are going to have to know that I am trans to take into account certain things while treating me. Honestly this is a no brainer and a must for any trans person pre, post, or whatever. Otherwise you could be taking a risk with you health.

This was the reason I had to explain to the pharmacist what was up.{Link} He is a new one for me since I moved.

Next would be old friends. People, who in some cases I have known since childhood or often since high school.

Most of these people have re-entered my life and have been extremely supportive.

And I quote:

Rogue: "Yes I have missed you and your smile. We have had some great times and I am glad we can now have more!"

Scholar: "Kelli-kins, I am glad you are back in my life. You are good people."

Professor: "Really it is just a different version of you, much happier I might add. Besides you will always be a friend."

Ginger: "I does not matter, you are happy and I have never seen you so happy!"

Pixie: "Lean on your friends- we all love having you around."

None of these people have bothered to tell anyone else they have introduced me to anything about my past. I am simply their friend Kelli. Sometimes quirky, sometimes snarky, but always fun and welcome.

In fact Ringo(The nickname he already had), Trinity(if you knew her you would know why the character from The Matrix fits), Edison, Trinity's husband(who is an electrician, but I have way too much respect for Tesla to use him as a nickname),  Critic(what we do not go through with him to pick movies), Kaylee(nicknamed for her favorite Firefly character), have given me a standing invite to Wednesday night dinners at Ringo's home. We enjoy dinner and some TV or a movie. Always fun and yummy.

Ringo actually said this to me: "We had a good idea we liked you because you like to game. Now we are finding out that you like a lot of the same movies and shows we watch too."

Trinity is almost my doppelganger, crazy how we grew up geeking out on a lot of the same things and sharing similar interest growing up. We have been talking more and more because it can be so hard to find a kindred spirit.

There are also my new roommates Bonnie and Clyde who have told me straight up they loving having me as a roommate.

My new employer has not been told except for my HR rep and HR department head. They had no issues with it and were happy to have my on board. Everyone else takes me as is. There is more coming is a larger post that I have been working on so I will save it for that.

Lastly is extend friends and family, most of them knew me since I was little. Sometimes from day one. I see them from time to time. My parents have stayed in close touch with them many of them. Of course they are going to ask my parents how their kids are doing.

To which I have given my mother cart blanch to discuss with them. She has been so proud of the person I have become. I also know it is not easy for her to share it with everyone but she does anyway. Many of these people she has brought up to speed regarding my function have expressed a lot of support to my mother. More so after some of them have met me in person.

Others have expressed an interest in getting a chance to meet me.

My extended family has been even better totally taking it in stride to the point they have been making sure that I am in the loop on family events.

I am perfectly fine with all this. People have been extremely supportive and my status as a Trans Woman does not come up after the initial telling.

I cannot say that this will work for everyone. If you are planning or have transitioned it may be better for you to not spread the word as much. I cannot say for sure it will be up to you to decided what you should do.

All I can tell you is my policy. Which is basically new people do not get told the old ones can be.

That is my story and I am sticking to it.

Working Stiff

As you all know I left my previous job.

This would be the one that I transitioned at.

Now there were growing pains, but for the most part the company and colleagues were great. I honestly could not have asked from much more from them.

Still nothing lasts forever.

The first year was good after transition.

Then somewhere earlier this year things shifted.

I am not sure why or how either. To this day I am a little baffled by it.

Yes, the tone of conversation in meetings and between the team changed a bit.

Hey, there was a girl in the room now and they were on much better behavior. Not that they were ever bad about it but we all know men will complain about their wives. Frankly having worked in a department of mostly women when younger the same can be said for women complaining about their husbands.

Really both sides do it, even if they will not admit to it to the other side.

(I do wonder if the same happens with gay or lesbian couples. I have to imagine it does but I have not worked with many to know if they do it in the work place. Something to ponder.)

Still they did clean up their act with no prompting from me.

I even had my old manager apologize to the group once that if I was not in the room he would have had something to say about the woman we just talked too on a conference call.

I laughed and told him not to worry. She was being a bitch and I would not be offended at all. Seriously she was EXTREMELY difficult to talk to and reason with. Men do it and I call them assholes or jerks. Point is the label fit. Even if it some thing it is unpleasant.

Some people are just unpleasant period.

Now I know through all this perceptions changed regarding me. I also had to learn how I now fit into the dynamic of the team.

Which I thought I had done for the first year, but we had a number of engineers leave and get replaced. I feel that fact had something to do with it.

Some of the newer people seemed to have an issue with a woman being as smart or smarter than them.

This caused a few conflicts though minor.

I have never been a confrontational person. Ever. It is just not my nature. I have, however, learned to stand my ground in the face of much stronger personalities than mine. I have worked with a lot of arrogant or outspoken men over the years who cannot possibly be wrong. I have had them shout in my face or throw me under the bus. I simply learned to let my work speak for myself.

I am also not afraid to ask a person how they intend to make something happen. I hear it all the time with people wanting to install or implement some fantastic solution. At my old place of employment I would say "that is a great idea, but with no budget how to you plan to facilitate that implementation?" or "I would like to see that too, but there is no X resource available for that" or "Based on our current configuration that is not possible."

Or my absolute favorite:

"If we do that we will effect twenty-five hundred people."

Which usually gets management to raise their eyebrows.

I got the feeling that these other engineers did not like hearing the possibility of it happening might be no.

I understood this since I often come up with ideas and get told no. Usually because of budget sometimes because of the configuration of the environment. The difference with me is I would start smaller and keep moving little parts into place to eventually get it there.

I like new and shiny technology as much as the next person. I have just learned through management that sometimes I have to be practical and patient.

Still I think a woman NOT backing down from her position frustrated them. I also noticed it was the younger generation which I feel was more along the lines of they did not like ANYONE telling them no.

Whatever the cause was, it made my life difficult and I needed a change. I just felt it was time. This prompted me to put my resume up and see that I could find.

I generated a lot of interest early. Spoke to a number of companies and waited for the right thing to come along.

Even turning down two positions because I did not like to people interviewing me. Seriously is surprises me that people do not realize I am doing that. I have no issue asking questions in return and seeing the response I get.

I have worked for a number of managers either directly or as a consultant. I have learned that if you do not have a grasp of your environment and seem wishy-washy I am either not going to want to work for you OR I am not going to like working for you while I am there for whatever project I am there for.

I guess it comes from doing or seeing so many different companies and how they are run while I worked in the field as a consultant. When I started entertaining the idea of working for one company I want to get a feeling management knows what is going on. What they want and how to get it.

It makes my life more enjoyable.

Trust me I felt bad I was passing up these opportunities but I really wanted to find something I felt I would be happy with.

I was also looking rather hard at moving out of state basically I was not concerned with where anymore.

Eventually I got a call from a recruiter who mentioned a position in my home state that was in an area I always wanted to move too. It was one area that would make me consider staying in my home state.

At first I was skeptical when I was told who the company was. Though when I heard about the environment and how aggressive they were with technology I was very interested.

After three lengthy phone interviews I was given an in person interview.

Having gotten early interviews out of the way {link} I felt really good going into this one.

Coming out of it I felt even better. Although I was in there for a grand total of two and a half hours...

O_O

...it was one of the best interviews I have ever had. The management team that interviewed me were simply amazing and it was very obvious that they had a an amazingly solid grasp of their environment. They also knew the shortcomings and were working on plans to resolve those. They just needed talent to do it.

I walked out of there wanting the job badly. I wanted to work for these people. I wanted to live in the area that this company was located in.

And I did not have to wait long. I was in for my interview on Monday, I got a call Thursday night that the offer was forthcoming. That I needed to have a drug screen(which I am fine with), to allow it to happen.

The truly crazy part is that Friday I was off to Paris, France with the boyfriend and which left me scrambling a little.

It made the trip even better and I was able to come back to work post vacation and turn in my two week notice.

That is the second time I have done that.

Seriously I do not plan it that way.

How is it so far?

Well in just a couple of weeks I can tell you that I love the place. I am enjoying what I am working on. The people are great and I am excited to go to work in the morning again.

There have been some interesting observations recently, but those are for another post.

It might never know exactly why things fell apart at my old job. It could have been my being trans, the history, the new blood's lack of respect for women, or something I am not even thinking of.

I do not know but it is not the first time I left a job because the climate changed so much. In years past it was not me either it was new managers who completely changed the culture.

We shall see what happens here with this one, but I am far more relaxed and comfortable here.

So far...so good.

And Yet Another First

What is it this time you ask?

Could be a lot of things.

How about my first interview post full time!

Yep it happened.

Now I do apologize, this happened much earlier in the year.

March in fact.

As I started to prep this post I discovered that my old company had somehow made the connection that this blog was written by me.

Which did not bother me too much. I certainly became more careful about making sure I did all my site editing from home.

I just was not sure how much they were going to be reviewing it.

Which made me stop with several posts I had been planning and it really impacted my blogging. As a lot of my topics were work related and knowing the above I did not want to risk anything.

I also certainly did not want them to know I was looking for a different job.

Which brings me to now.

As I already announced I already found that job.

Which means the moratorium on job related posts can be lifted.

{Don't worry I will be extra careful about posting from the new place. Not that I have had any issues there yet.}

Now let us get back to the original story.

When I decided to actively start looking for something new or different I did not know what was out there or what I would find.

Really all I did was update my resume and try to see what would happen.

Honestly I was shocked in the first 48 hours I received six calls or emails.

Now some of those were fluff and I was not interested in the job at all but at least I was getting a response.

I also directly applied to a few companies is regions that were really interesting to me.

Interestingly enough not many responded back. I wonder at times if it was simply the fact that there was a girls name at the top of the resume.

I doubt I will ever know but it is an interesting thought. I do work in IT and it is largely a male dominated industry.

Still I was getting enough activity that it was not concerning me too much.

Fairly early on I was mostly exchanging emails and a few phone calls. It was when an IT staffing company called me and wanted to bring me in for a face to face interview, that I took pause.

For two reasons.

First, I had not yet interviewed with any one face to face. This could be daunting and was intimidating. How would I do. Would they accept me for who I am. Would I get read. Would my nerves get the better of me.

Two, I was not too impressed with what they had to offer. There was not really anything catching my eye.

Regardless after a little thought I said what the heck. Why not go. At least I will find out a lot about how I come across. Plus even if it was awful because of nerves. I would at least have gotten that first one out of the way. With the hopes that when a job that I really wanted came along I would not have to suffer those nerves as much.

The first reason did not matter too much since I could always turn down something I would not be interested in.

With that I schedule a meeting with their recruiting supervisor for a time after work one day shortly thereafter. Which would put the meeting around late March.

I told her I was coming from work but I still dressed in a nice sheath dress and jacket. Nothing I had not worn to my old job before but not a pure business suit either. She had no problem with it at all.

I will not kid you. I was nervous and scared.

Especially when I hit that lobby.

I was shaking.

My thoughts totally on the fact that I was going to come across awfully and fake.

Yes, I have my issues at times with being trans.

Still.

It is just the nature of it all.

Pair that with the fact that this was something really important. Even if I did not actually need a job right now the time might come where I was forced to look for one.

This was a big deal.

A really BIG deal.

All of that just really made me freak out.

Regardless I did my best to relax and waited.

The recruiting supervisor came back finally, introductions were made and she led me back to a conference room.

There she started to give me some background about the company and what type of positions they typically fill.

From there she started to ask me questions about my work history and myself.

Once I got started my nerves rapidly started to fade. Everything I had to talk about was about me. My skills and a bit of who I am.

Nothing was false. It was all me. Just with a pronoun change. That was easy to do since I no longer even think of myself as anyone but who I am today.

The conversation got easy and the whole thing went great. We even had a discussion at the end about dealing with life now as divorced women.

Seriously!

After about forty minutes of talking about my work history, what type of opportunities I was looking for, we just fell into general chit-chat about life.

By the time I said my good-byes and was walking out the door, I felt a million times better. I could do this. It was all the same stuff I have talked about before. It was all me with the fact that I was just being me.

It also did not hurt that she complimented my on my attire.

Total added bonus.

It was not just that either. Near the end of the meeting she complimented me on my skill set. How articulate I was. My experience. She finished with:

"And you dress really well too."

"Really?"

"Oh yes. You look great and I love the dress, but you would not believe how some people show up. It gets bad."

"Well thank you."

Even though nothing came of the meeting and the connection with that particular company(I got the feeling they were looking more for software developers). The experience I got from getting that first interview out of the way was worth it's weight in gold.

I used that boost to my self esteem to go on to interview at other places while I got offers from some and not from others. I eventually found the position I am now at.

But those stories are for another post.

It Was Bound to Happen

I knew there would be moments of awkwardness during my transition.

I was also aware that if could happen after.

My hope was that it would not actually occur too much after full time.

For the most part it has not.

I did, however, have something happen recently.

This past Labor Day weekend(it is a U.S. holiday for those overseas readers) I once again made an appearance at the Cabin.

Yes, that cabin.{link}

The usual suspects were there. Rogue, Pixie, Jester, Scholar, Professor, and Ginger to name a few.

There were even a few who were there during my winter visit, and even a few new people.

Overall the weekend was a blast. I surprised them with my cooking skills as I made them a fairly large batch of my famous baby back ribs. Most of this group had never had them before and the complements were off the charts.

I think my favorite comment was "These ribs are like crack!"

There was great conversations, lots of laughs, good food as I was not the only one who cooked that weekend(I discovered candied bacon FTW!!). Plenty of movie watching and table top gaming.

I even brought with me a new one I had recently purchased.

I big part of the reason I like to go is there is absolutely no agenda for these weekends(or weeks). Come, have fun, but do what you want too. Sleep. Eat. Watch a movie or TV shows. Game. Read or anything in between.

About the only schedule is breakfast in the morning dinner in the evening. Anything else and you are on your own.

It is very relaxing.

Yet the title of this post indicates there might have been an issue.

And you would be right there was.

It was brief but something did happen that I did not expect.

When I arrived Friday night, as I had driven up right after work, Scholar was giving me the run down on where I might sleep for the weekend.

We were walking around and he listed off the large shared bedroom upstairs, the studio apartment above the garage, the bunk room in the old cabin, the full bedroom in the old cabin, and the roost.

The roost?

I had no idea what this was.

It turned out to be a small bedroom above the outside bath house. This was a late addition to the property and the bathhouse is now largely a storage room. Yet the apartment is well insulated, powered, and other than having to duck to get into it, very roomy. Most people can stand upright and not have an issue.

As we walked down from that he wrapped up the list of options with the following:

"If none of that works for you I have a king bed in the basement I am very willing to share."

*blink, blink*

"Scholar did you just hit on me?"

"Yes."

"Seriously, why?"

"Well for one you are hot! I also have the extra room and I am single."

I looked at him for a second as I put my thoughts together about this.

"Scholar...I cannot. I am sorry but with someone I have known for so long I just cannot do it. Are you okay with this?"

"Yeah fine, I was just taking the chance you might say something different."

"I am sorry but no."

Thankfully this did not impact the weekend I had at all. It just made for one awkward moment. It also as not affected my friendship with Scholar at all.

It is just something I cannot do. As I explained to Pixie at a later time. One firm rule I have regarding all of this is that I cannot comfortably date or pursue anyone I was really close friends with before hand.

Pixie understood what I was getting at and confirmed that it was also just Scholar being scholar. He cannot help himself at times. Especially when he is single.

The biggest reason is not them either. I would just find it way too awkward myself. Trust me there is more than one that I would consider otherwise if I was just meeting them for the first time and they are not married, it would be a different story.

When I say too awkward I mean it too. It would be way too awkward for me.

Still I guess it was bound to happen at some point. One of my older friends was going to make a pass at me.

Nothing came of it, he has not tried again and I am still friends with Scholar today.

At least in this case it was mostly harmless.

The Big News!

The news that you have all been waiting for is this.

I have gotten a new job!

After a few months of looking I found a job at a company that surprised me with their level of IT investment. Yet they are hugely successful in the online ordering space. With quite the complex and dynamic infrastructure.

Not only is the company and the people awesome(I have been here a week now and I love it), it is in an area that I have always wanted to live in. It will be keeping my in Michigan for the foreseeable future.

Yet I am moving away from the Detroit Area.

Well still within a reasonable driving distance, but far enough away that it is possible not to have to visit it at all if I did not want to.

The picture at the end of this post is a clue as to what area I will now be living and working.

Now I am sure you are wondering.

Why did I leave my old company?

Well it is for a number of reasons that I will cover over a few posts.

It will take a few as they were the reason I had to withhold a few posts I wanted to write for all of you.

Seems they someone how put together my few visits to my blog with it being mine. Oh well. I did most of my writing at home with only my editing during lunch. I also saved everything as files and put the final post on the site with a schedule time for it to appear. Often because I had enough material to write more than one thus I often finished them close together.

Well at least I did in the past.

Shush!

I know I have been lax lately in posting. Life has been busy as I have just noted. Job searching is not easy these days.

Bottom line, I felt as if I lost my voice within the team(not completely but in the eyes of a few and that is all that mattered).

I also felt there was a climate change within the department that just was conducive for me to look for something elsewhere with the hopes it would be better.

Along with I really felt I had hit a roadblock with the any opportunity to further my career.

There is a lot to cover regarding all of this and I am busy preparing to move into my new digs.

So I will go over all of this in a few posts. From dealing with recruiters and to my first ever interview as me.

It also was not the first offer I got. I actually turned down two before I took this one.

As always who I work for will remain nameless. Just as the old company will remain so.

Even if they did not feel that way.

It is an exciting time here for me.

All in the Family

While I would say that my transition has proceeded rather well. It has not all been without it's share of problems or issues.

Most notably would be my brother.

Sadly he and I have not talked since last November.

It is not like I have not tried too. In fact I attended his youngest son's graduation this last June. I was invited by not only my nephew but his mother too(my Brothers ex). Even in light of all that changed they absolutely wanted me there. My Ex-sister-in-law even moved to sit with us after she came to the ceremony. Choosing to sit with myself and my parents, than near my brother.

(My nephews and their mom were great never getting my name or nouns wrong and I even was referred to as Aunt Kelli. I did not even ask for that part I would have been happy with just Kelli.)

As for my brother, I am going to say he did not.

He remained on the other side of the auditorium from me. I caught more than a few gestures my way which did not appear flattering.

Worse still was when we all gathered outside after the conclusion of the commencement and I made a point to walk up to him and say 'hello'.

To which all i got in return was not a single word and the cold shoulder.

Which upset my father a great deal, but more on him later.

Another thing was some of my extended family, specifically the ones I mentioned here. Have not all been as accepting as first appeared.

What has tricked down to me was "Well we don't want our kids around you because it would be too confusing for them."

They have even stated one of the kids 'read' something in a certain religious text and stated he found it wrong because of this.

The truly crazy part of it is that his Aunt, my cousin who was telling me this, found it as out of character as I did. This child is so deeply rooted in logic, technology and science in a family that isn't deeply religious, that for this comment to made was incredibly odd.

Contradicting the older adult children in the family, who are more religious, who do not have an issue.

Personally I feel that this story was told as an excuse to avoid having the kids around me. That it wasn't actually said.

This is highly irritating because in all my experiences with kids, most of them(and I am referring to preteens twelve and under) will follow suit with whatever the parents do.

I even supplied this information of how to explain it to them.

"Tell them that [His name] will now be referred to as Kelli and will be a girl from this point forward. If they ask why. Then you tell them because she with the help of a few doctors felt this was medically necessary."

Children often will just say, oh okay and go back to playing. From there on out they will follow along with the parents. Most of the confusion stems from when they get told something like this and the parents fail to follow up themselves. i.e. the parents use the wrong name and the child will ask but I thought they were called [new name] now?"

It really is that simple. There is no need to elaborate on it and in time they will not ever really recall the other persona.

What this situation tells me is two things. They haven't accepted it themselves, be it they are don't want to understand it, are embarrassed, or they are disgusted by it, or feel it is wrong for whatever reason.

They simply are unwilling to talk to their kids for five minutes and go from there. Odds are few if any questions will arise. I even told them if it does come that they can bring the questions to me and I will give them an easy way to answer it if they felt they did not know how too.

Obviously they do not care. See excuses above.

Oh well. I have this odd feeling I'll find out for sure come this Christmas when we have our big family gathering on that side Christmas Eve. Most of these people would be in attendance and I do plan on going.

We shall see.

It ultimately does not matter since I know I am planning on moving out of my home state sometime in the near future. As much as I would like to hang onto family I also know I cannot make anyone like me.

The one other issue that I have been dealing with is my father. He surprised me earlier this year by finally opening up and talking to me. He allowed me to take him out for dinner on his birthday and a few other little things.

I had though that since we attended a few graduations parties and he saw the rest of the family talk to me like a normal person. Welcoming me and taking the time to get to know version 2.0 of me. That the ice started to break up a bit.

Sadly I don't think this is going to hold up since in recent weeks he has finally talked to my mom a bit and the impression I get from her is that he is not taking it well...still.

I don't know yet, her and I have a dinner scheduled soon, to catch up and she was going to discuss more of it with me then.

This is all just a sad reminder that there are some very closed minded people still out in the world. That no matter what I do they will not see past there own personal problems or beliefs. It also bothers me that they might not attend a family function just because of my presence. While they might feel relief from the issue I guarantee that they do not realize how hurtful it is to me.

This is the paradox of being trans. We go to great lengths to be ourselves. Which is hopefully a far better and happier person. Truly allowed to be ourselves. Yet the fear, misunderstandings or misguided beliefs of others will not let them treat a human being as such.

Oh well it is what it is. There is nothing I can to do make them think anything different.

Such is the life of being Trans.

Catching Up Part III: Work Disclosure

Sorry for the delay, preparing for fulltime and dealing with the holidays.

Well I don't recommend it.

Can you say busy?

I knew you could.

Thus between Christmas cards, Surgery, baking cookies, getting the final gifts, recovery, still finding things I need for myself, therapy, gift wrapping, electrolysis...ok I'll stop but you get the idea.

There just hasn't been time to write.

(Ok, I got caught up a little during the down time I had stuck at home. Yet not as much as I wanted to as I was tried a lot and resting as much as I could.)

After I got back from my trip down to Florida I had a busy schedule. My revision was on December 2nd. I would be off until the 12th. The team and department were due to find out on the 5th.

That all changed.

Upon my return to the office I got a call from my HR rep.

"We have to tell them on the 1st. We have some big corporation changes and we are going to use that time to add your news to it. Any issues with this?"

I was fine with it really. Though about an hour later my manager emailed me to "suggest" I work from home that day. Everyone knew I didn't want to be present in the room as I didn't want to be a distraction, so they felt it better if I could relax at home and just focus on work I need to do.

They couldn't have been more wrong.

About being relaxed.

Come the morning of the 1st I got up, did the usually shower and get dressed, I simply cannot work in my PJs like some people. I can be just as comfortable in jeans and a sweatshirt but I like to feel clean and presentable or I just feel lazy and useless.

I was doing ok as I sat at my desk working remotely doing just fine until about 10:45.

The reason was my team was due to find out at eleven.

The rest of the department between twelve and one.

To distract myself I started clear some old mail off my desk. Stuff I had been meaning to sort through for a few weeks when I found something important.

I had not rewed my vehicle tags.

Perfect!

With a DMV office not more than a half mile away from my house I can get out of the house for a few, pick up my prescriptions while out also, and hopefully keep myself from freaking out and remain calm.

I quickly sent out an email to the team right before eleven stating I would be away from my PC for about an hour but I would have my cell should anyone need to contact me.

One of my team members sent me an immediate response.

"Umm you do know we have a meeting at eleven right?"

My reply:

"Yes but I already know what it is about."

The response:

"ahhh...ok"

Knowing the person I could her the confusion and bewilderment in his voice through the email. It didn't matter I locked my laptop, my keys and things, and scooted out the door.

Turned out to be a great decision, as I was busy for over and hour with things, got a salad for lunch and was able to keep from completely focusing on it.

I got back to my desk relaxed. Well more relaxed than I was. I still was freaking out a bit on the inside. When about two o'clock I got the first email.

It was all positive as it was a woman in the department who actually was friends with an FTM. She understood it and supported me.

Than another. Followed by another, getting a total of two more that day.

All good, all positive and all repeating one theme. How brave I was and they would be completely supportive of it.

Well as I have made known I am not the brave one others are.

I replied to them all. Since than I have gotten more the following week while I was home recovering. Followed by a few more personal ones once I got back to the office this week.

Now I am not coming to work as me just yet. I did want to give people some time to process the information. With the time I already had off I would only be back for nine days before the holiday break. Then be off again from the 22nd of December until Jan 3rd.

My first day in the office as me.

Right now I am swapped with the things I need to do for the next few weeks. After that I will have to ready myself for the return to the office.

It will be then we see how others will handle it.

At least there hasn't been any negative reactions yet.

I like to think this can happen and go smoothly. I know there will be a period of adjustment for everyone including myself.

We shall see.

Remember

Remembering those that are lost.

While I still find it a bit depressing and even a touch morbid. I still feel that the overall importance of today is remembering that we are still being persecuted and disrespected by society at large.

As much as I would rather be celebrating life I feel the point of today is very, very valid and more important than the slight discomfort I feel about it.

So please remember, however sad it might be, those that have had their life taken from them simply for being themselves.

I will be attending a local candlelight vigil myself tonight.

Even with the pall cast by these events today, I hope it leads us to a brighter future.

Scheduling Snafus

You might recall I the first part of this story were I was intending to disclose my function to a very good friend of mine.

Yet in all the chaos I held back and decided to not to tell her then for various reason.

Mostly because it didn't feel like the right time to do so, plus I felt she deserved more time for something like this.

Well after many an email exchange, we are finally meeting next Tuesday for dinner. Where I do, in fact, intend to tell her.

[In fairness to her we were both really busy and she did have some family issues do deal with. They are completely understandable in this case.]

You never know what is going to happen with these but they are going to find out either way and I feel it is important to tell them myself.

This one will be tough to take if I lose her friendship over it.

All I can do is hope for the best.

Speaking to the World

In this unusual journey of Transition I have had to worry about a lot of things regarding the process of changing from one gender to another.

If I showed you a picture pre-transition you would simply be amazed at how an overweight scruffy boy became the girl I am today. There was weight loss, hair removal, hair growth, HRT, and still more that has to be done.

Most of those have just taken time and money. Putting myself through some intense pain or just being diligent in my daily life.

One thing, however, was eluding me.

My voice.

Some people might disagree with this but I am a rather talkative person. When I am comfortable with my surroundings and who I am with I sometimes don't shut up. Though I also love to listen. Often I just want to gather in what others are saying and process it before I actually do say anything.

However with regards to transition I never liked my voice or was very comfortable with it. Which meant I didn't always talk very much. So I often got(and still do) labeled as shy.

Why?

Because I was quite terrified that once I opened my mouth any thoughts of who or what I was would instantly be dispelled, confirmed or whatever. I was fearful of the reaction.

The one I was most fearful off was having cis girls suddenly realize how different I was and...well...being shunned because of it.

I felt the acute sting of that a long time ago in middle school as girls stopped including me in things or just treating me as a curiosity and not a friend. Sad, but true. I didn't fit into their dynamic because well I was supposed to be a boy.

Back in present day the problem was changing my voice into something that, while might not be super feminine, was in a range of vocal patterns so that people wouldn't question anything.

So very early on this became one thing I started working on whenever I could. For over two years I tried everything I could to find. Self help CDs, online video guides, general guessing and playing with my voice.

Not one of those seemed to work.

Not a pleasant thought when I started to realize I did indeed needed and wanted to transition.

I was really rather stuck on this issue. Surgery was an option but that certainly wasn't high on my list of things to do. There are enough horror stories out there about this already. The was to be the option of last resort.

Fortunately right around the time I was feeling this frustration I headed down to SCC for a few days in 2009. While there I sat in on a seminar presented by Kathe Perez of Exceptional Voice.

The moment she started teaching some of her techniques I was hooked. Not only did what she taught mesh with things I had learned about speaking in a theater, but they also crossed over into the musical training I had when I was in public school.

It just worked in my head.

The issue was that she lives and works in Colorado, while I was over a thousand miles away in the Midwest. Not exactly conducive to working together.

That is until she mentioned that she was now able to conduct sessions over the internet via Skype software. (Think free video conferencing if you are not familiar with it.)

With that in mind I contacted her shortly after I got back to discuss working with her. Discussed costs, She isn't cheap but she wasn't overly expensive either. I would just need some time to work it into the budget.

Thus in December of 2009 I start her basic six session course, meeting every other week for several weeks.

Almost immediately I loved working with her. The instruction and techniques she taught me were even better then what was hinted at in the seminar.

She is also a wonderful person and very considerate along with amazingly sweet. It just made it a joy working with her.

Even when She was critiquing what I was doing.

This is the one reason I found her help so invaluable. The constructive feedback I received about what I was doing helped massively. Especially so from someone trained to listen to a voice. That and she adjusted what she was teaching me during the course to get me moving further along, She didn't get too advanced but as she discovered how quickly I was picking some things up she challenged me with new things, usually taught in her secondary course.

Taking the information and exercises she gave me at the end of those six session I renewed my practice routine, hardly missing a day, for several months on my own.

When I got in touch with Kathe again after all that work even she was surprised by how I sounded and how much progress I had made. Still I scheduled two session with her in the middle of summer to discuss some issues I was having and to introduce me to some very advanced exercises to help my voice.

I am not kidding when I say she had me doing some vocal gymnastics to improve on what I had already learned and help make my voice more natural.

So here I am ten months later. How have things turned out. Well I will say I am pleased with the amount of change I have heard in my voice. I have several of my friends compliment me on my voice and how natural it sounds. Even my therapist has told me I sound far and away better than I ever did before.

Though I am aware that more practice is needed along with just using it. Plus I still fret over if someone will read me when I open my mouth. Yet when I think back to the cookout and the bonfire and how my voice never got me question. Especially at the latter when MK viewed me as competition even after I had been speaking to her throughout the night. There was even my recent call booking my HRT appointment with the doctors office. When she ma'amed me through the conversation and assumed I was calling on his behalf. Not actually him calling to book it for himself.

I even learned at SCC this year that the more I used it the easier it is for me to just use. I actually had a hard time finding my old voice on the return trip back home that Sunday. It was also great to actually talk to Kathe in person, because she had a lot of good things to say about how I sounded.

Obviously I am doing something right or at least much better then I ever did before. Along with the fact that having someone to work with me rather than trying to guess at it myself made a tremendous difference.

Even if you cannot work with Kathe herself, I do highly recommend working with a speech therapist especially one who is trans friendly and aware.

I know there is room for improvement and that I can't stop practicing it. That was something I learned after SCC this year when illness and other things gave me no time for almost a week to work on anything and I struggled with it once I start working with it again.

It just feels good to know that all the hard work payed off and I am more comfortable speaking to the world.

Maybe now I won't seem as shy. ;)

Not So Fast

I spoke to my Mom last night. 

My Dad drove my Brother back to the airport, just the two of them. 

It wasn't good

Seem to be that the two of them have come to the conclusion that it is the doctors who are pushing me to do this. 

???

My therapist has even told me that a long time ago she learned that I will do things at my own pace, if at all. She has never pushed but when she makes suggestions or gives her opinion I take my time with them. 

She also didn't stamp my forehead 'Trans' as soon as I walked in. I have been seeing her for nearly three years. 

I never asked her for anything or push to 'get approved' in fact she is known in the trans circles as a tough letter. So she has had fewer trans clients recently because of that. 

This is exactly what I wanted when I first was seeking someone out. 

I needed someone to talk to, to vent my feelings and frustrations. To explore what was going on in my head and just get a valid opinion back. Nothing along the lines of 'you must do this'. She has let me come to my own conclusions but offered guidance and thoughts along the way. 

She really has been the ideal therapist along the way. 

Honestly I think my father and brother are simply looking for someone to blame. 

And there isn't.

This is simply an issue that has been inside me for my entire life and though I tried to suppress it, hide it, or whatever. I simply failed and it began to consume me. 

That was when I sought out help before it completely destroyed me. 

Every decision I have made I have done so of my own accord. It has taken a lot of time, energy and thought, but I know how much happier and content I am when I can just be me. I get little glimpses now and again. Yet that is enough to know how important it is for me to finally be me. 

Though, it appears that in the immediate family I only have my Mom as an ally.

I knew this could happen. I realized a long time ago that I might have to separate myself from the world I knew and create a new one. That people who had been important to me in the past might abandon me. 

Not easy or painless but it can be done. 

Though I was aware of this, it does nothing to lessen the sting of hurt. 

I am just thankful that I have some wonderful friends. One who had me laughing though the tears last night and simply reminded me that there are people out there who do care about me. 

Even though she will claim I am a better friend than she is. 

She couldn't be more wrong. 

I just need to get over the pain and move on. My life it seems will no longer include what I have known. 

Today is a brand new day and life. 

Plot Twist

Dun Dun Dun...

I might have mentioned that I needed to tell my Brother soon.

I think I also mentioned I am completely in the dark on this one. Anything can happen here.

Plus I covered the fact that he does not live close. At all.

Thus the plan was to have my letter to him written so I could tell him over the phone and not lose my nerve or forget what I had to say.

That may have just changed.

My Mom sent me an email last night. My Brother is coming down next week, staying over the weekend and returning Monday.

[Ducks the lighting bolts, and checks the seas for boil!!]

I am not kidding either. This will be the fourth time in ten years he has left his fortress of solitude and returned to this part of the state. One of the others was earlier this year for his oldest son's graduation.

So yes, I check for signs the world is going to end when I hear something like this.

I already responded to Mom saying yes to possibly trying to tell him this ,face to face. It is as of yet unknown if we will be able to make it happen. As he is in town for work reasons so I don't know what his schedule will be like not to mention I am working Saturday most of the day.

With any luck it will happen. Though I am almost more terrified of this disclosure then my parents.

Crazy but true.

I'll post once I know what is going to happen but I am already nervous.

Odd as he might be, he still is my brother and I have some fond memories of him.

Talk about a plot twist I didn't see coming!

Administrative Item #2

My Brother.

This one is the most difficult to read. I am not kidding.

My bother, for lack of a better description, is very macho.

He was a body builder, hunter, fisherman, ice hockey nut. He lives, eats, and breaths the outdoors. I cannot describe him better then using the term super manly.

Which also plays a factor in how to tell him. After his divorce, he moved to a very rural part of the state. It would be a trip that would total 14 hours one way, if done by car. Flying isn't much better as I would have to make three hops just to get to an airfield that is close.

He, like my mother, can be opinionated and difficult. However he is worse then she is, by far. He can be incredible difficult when he wants to be. Along with supremely stubborn. He can also be quite bigoted about certain things.

Not to mention extremely self centered.

I have a famous story about him getting mad a me for taking a trip to a location he has always wanted to go. He happen to call while I was packing and once he found out where I was going and when, promptly said goodbye and hung up.

I did not speak to him for almost six months he was that upset about it.

Still he has always been an excellent brother. He taught me a lot of things. Introduced me to things and ideas that I might not otherwise have been expected encounter had I actually been a girl. Along with always protective of me when it came to bullies and other issues growing up.

It does give me a very unique background.

My mother and I discussed it this past weekend. Her suggestion was to take the letter I wrote for Her and Dad, change it for my Brother, and read it to him over the phone.

This seems like a good idea. First the letter is fairly generic about explaining things. I will have to change a few paragraphs that were more focus on my parents but I can alter them for my brother.

Also I like the fact that this is going to be so hard to say that if I have the words scripted I stand a better chance of getting though it all without forgetting something or just creating confusion.

Since I don't really have any better ideas, really face to face isn't feasible at all, I think it is the best approach. Along with having it written down so I know I can get it out.

My Mom just asked that I warn here when I am ready and plan on telling him since She wants to make sure She is available for him to talk to. She knows he is probably going to call almost as soon as I get of the phone with him.

My plan as of right now is to get the letter altered (as I have mentioned I have been super busy) within the next couple of weeks and then try to pin him down.

This one out of all of them is going to be very interesting.

Close Encounters of the Unkind

This last Sunday my parents actually stopped by my house for an errand.

You heard that right, I said parents, as in plural. Both my Mother and my Father.

As you know my Mother is very supportive and is gathering steam regarding this issue. As difficult as she can be sometimes I have to give her credit for everything she has done thus far.

I don't want her to have to go to the mattresses for me regarding anything. Yet my Father is another story.

They were at my place for about fifteen or twenty minutes.

I never felt so unwelcome somewhere and it was my own home.

He spoke very little towards me, and what he said was very matter of fact and to the point.

He said nothing else after I answered or asked me to elaborate.

I tried to be normal and kept things simple, however I don't think it worked.

On top of that I was out of the room but I over heard a conversation about me. I don't know exactly what was said but I overheard the response.

"Why should I care about him?"

It didn't help to hear the spitefulness in his voice. At this point I feel that it isn't even angry tolerance but actual hatred I am getting.

I know I was risking the collapse of my relationship with my parents when I came out to them. It was a major reason I waited so long to tell them. I had to make certain I understood who I was, accepted it and was prepared to do something about it.

Once you tell someone that you are transsexual you cannot un-tell them.

A good friend suggested that he was going dealing with a lot of anger. I also know my mother has told me he is embarrassed regarding me now.

Funny thing is as my parents get older (they are in their late 60's) out of the two children I am the one they expected to take care of things should anything happen. I care about my Brother a lot but let me just say he is not very responsible at all.

I will find it interesting should something happen to my Mom and I am forced to take care of my Dad.

I can see the arguments now regarding me having to represent as his daughter and making the claim that he doesn't have one.

Still my Mom is going to try and work on him slowly though it is her belief that he will fight it until it just cannot be denied. That I will be who I am completely and indisputably in front of him.

Until then I think he will view me as his freakish son who he doesn't want to acknowledge.

And that is what became very clear to me this past weekend.

Interesting Development

So early this week I was showing a picture on my phone to a couple of guys at work.

They commented on what I was showing them and then followed that comment up with this:

"So who is the chick in the photo?"

Well...that chick was me.

I know it was said tongue in cheek, but I cannot help but wonder what they are now thinking.

The last time I had gotten my hair cut short was almost two and a half years ago.

It is starting to reach my shoulders.

Most of my weight loss occurred before I walk in the door here in January 2008.

Granted I didn't start hormones until May of 2009.

Still this is the first time I have heard something like this.

I wasn't upset. Though I did pause before I said anything. I also hope I placed the right expression of irritation on that said how could they think such a thing.

No idea if I succeeded on that last one.

But still the comment was generated because of the way I currently look.

Things should get interesting around here very soon. Scheduling FFS is going to trigger coming out to HR and management.

As I don't think I am going to be able to disappear for a few weeks and come back and expect to walk around here continuing to be a boy.

Life is going to get more and more interesting.

By The Way...

I have a lunch date next Friday. Followed by a pedicure and the construction of smores bars.

Yes I said construction.

Anyone who has made something similar will know. Sandwiching a layer of chocolate and marshmallow puff between two layers of graham cracker dough is no easy task.

Sometimes I would rather build the Hoover Dam.

For reals!

That marshmallow puff is like glue, it sticks to freaking everything. My trick is to use two spoons and constantly dunk them into water to keep them slippery.

But the effort is worth it. They are super yummy and gooey, it is putting them together is the only hard part. The dough takes less then ten minutes to make including time to crush the graham cracker into crumbs.

Then you bake for 30-35 minutes. They are rather simple but difficult to assemble.

But I digress.

The reason for this post is the lunch date.

See I am meeting my friend J for lunch.

She is the one I mentioned here.

I know she has some inclination that something is going on but I don't know what. She is very high on my list of people to disclose to but I wonder if this is the right time.

I also really do want to tell her.

She is one of the very few people who got to see a little bit of me. As in the real me.

I hid behind at lot of bluster and false bravado in addition to my sense of humor.

Yet I got to relax a bit with her. I found a friend who was a woman and I cherished that immensely.

If there is anyone I am afraid of losing. I mean really afraid, it is her. She has been too dear a friend over the years.

I think I am going to play this one by ear over the course of the lunch. I have a feeling that she might bring up the topic herself anyway.

Who knows really. Someone very wise once told me that I cannot expect anything regarding disclosure. Everyone is a guess and those that you think are going to not like it won't have an issue. Those that you think will be able to handle it won't.

I have a feeling I have a lot of posting to do the week after next what with that. Along with B's cookout the day after.

It should be an interesting 72 hours.

Dealing with an Unruly Mob

Well this, I guess, was partially expected.

Though not entirely.

What is happening is that some of her extended family is not only asking questions about me, a few are also making comments about how they don't care for me.

Funny this.

Seems I have been viewed as controlling of everything. Not allowing us to go see this side of the family.

Huh?

Not sure why this is.

I mean really we haven't been invited to many things lately. Though that could be related, again, to me.

Yet as far as I am aware there hasn't been much going on.

Never mind that, honestly, I have never felt welcome by that side all that much. I usually sit and talk to just a handful of a few people.

Mostly the women. Go figure.

That crowd has quite a few, shall I say macho, men in it.

Oddly enough I don't fit into that crowd all that much. Not to mention that even though I can talk a lot of the topic that come up. I really have no desire to.

Crazy isn't it?

What really pisses me off about all this. Is the fact that these things were said and yet they don't know how often I ensue my own family to attend things for her.

So the complaint is utter bullshit.

Pardon my French. It just fits.

This past Thanksgiving day was the first time I had spent one with my parents in four years.

Yet I normally go to not one, but two in the same day for her and by extension for them.

This should make it painfully obvious why I have yet another reason to extract myself from the situation.

It isn't her fault, they are who they are. Close minded, bigoted and perhaps even a bit more racist then anyone might realize. I will reserve a bit of that judgment since I haven't seen it first hand. Let's just say things have been said now and again that causes one to raise an eyebrow on occasion.

I can only imagine what is going to happen if I had to transition in front of these people. As I am seeing them several times a years.

It isn't like that haven't seen some of the changes already. As I noted above they have.

The fact that I am already considered selfish by them is only going to get worse.

Not to mention they will all rush to her defense. Blaming me for what I am doing.

Honestly, the selfish people are the ones who cannot open their minds to the fact that not everyone is like them. Not everything is all black and white.

That there are shades of gray. Regardless of if it is sexuality, gender, or some other lifestyle that would be considered different, or better yet, outside the norm.

Too bad for them, but I don't need to hear it.

Really.

I am going to have enough issues with being Trans. Don't ever think for a second that I am transitioning with rose colored glasses. I know the heartbreak, difficulties and whatever that I can and might face. I, however, choose to remain positive in the fact that I can get through this and deal with the mess as it comes rather then guess at it.

I am not however really looking forward to having to explain all this to people who are already viewing me in a poor light. Nor do I feel like battling them to accept it.

To me that is a losing proposition.

I have been nothing but polite, social, and considerate. I have cooked for them even held events at my house welcoming each and every one.

Yet I am still the one who is selfish and controlling.

I am the bad person.

Whatever helps you sleep easier at night. I will just look elsewhere for people who like me as me.

It isn't my job to please everyone else anymore.

I need to worry about myself for a change.

Stay of Execution

Tuesday night I talk to my friend who offered me the job.

However I did not end up having to disclose to him just yet.

The reason relates to a surprise I got at my current job.

If you recall there is a rather large project that I will be handling here at work.

Which was impacting my ability to take time off at the end of the year.

However with the waffling and feet dragging, not to mention the hierarchical posturing in upper management that was happening I was fearing that things would get so delayed that I would be working twenty hour days in November and December.

Not a pleasant thought.

What surprised me was the three quarters of a million dollars I did manage to get the company to spend arrived on site yesterday.

Thought it will be a few weeks to get it all setup and running as we were not expecting it just yet.

There is some prep work to be done.

What does this have to do with my friend?

Well he knew what the project was, he also knew a lot more of the details of what was upsetting me about the current progress. After I told him it had come in he told me to wait. That is too big a project to pass up and it will look great on a resume.

Just as long as he can get some spare time from me. Which I am completely ok with.

Besides being a salary employee the extra money on the side right about now is really nice to have.

Yes I will still tell him, I just wasn't sure I wanted to tell him just yet.

I also was having a lot of reservations regarding having to introduce myself to a lot of other strangers that I would have to explain who I was to.

It still might happen but I am glad for the respite that I am getting.

I could use the time to sort it out a bit more.

Or at least better prepare myself for it if I do choose to work for him.

We shall see.

Publicity

Contrary to popular opinion. (Granted I don't really know who's opinion that would be)

I don't seek or desire attention.

In fact I am a rather private person.

I know you are going to tell me; "But Kelli you have a public blog and write about your trials and tribulations regarding your life."

I understand, but this site was really just started as an outlet for items and issues rolling around in my head.

Which it has been very effective in providing me. I never expected anyone else to actually read these ramblings. I just feel better getting them out.

I just don't actively seek attention.

The need to thrust myself into the public eye and make a spectacle of myself just simply is not there

My friend J noted this recently. As she made mention that I am friendly and polite. Sweet and sociable. Fun loving and adventurous, but I don't force the issue. I am open to meeting new people but I am very cautious as to whom I become friends with. I just don't try to make myself the center of attention.

Nor do I feel the need to participate in events that really are just ego fueled attempts at vanity.

I am just me.

Simple fun loving me.

This plays into the desire to not transition in a very public manner.

I would love to simply disappear for a few months, take care of some to the things I want have done. Then simply come back as me and build my life from there.

Ok, I know life can't be that simple or easy.

Still I think I would prefer to minimize the public facing transition as much as possible. Sans the family and friends.

I just don't feel I need or want to place this process in front of more people then I really need too.

Which really was the topic of discussion in my last post.

It wasn't so much working with and for my friend. If he is accepting and willing to deal with it. I am more then willing to work for him.

I just don't know if I want to be a consultant again visiting all those new people all the time.

I would hate to have to walk around in eight or ten months from now and having to say.

"Hi, I am the engineer formerly known as <insert boy name>"

I understand I will always be trans and that I will have a unique trans history.

I just don't feel I need to broadcast that to the world at large unless I absolutely need to.

Times like this really make me wish I wouldn't have been so afraid to come out years ago. Much of this would already be past me and I would have been working as myself for years.

I have to get over that as I cannot beat myself up over the past and carry those regrets around.

It will be an interesting couple of months as I not only plan to tell him, but I have other friends on the list to disclose to over this summer.

I understand the need for disclosure but that doesn't mean I have to like doing it so much.

To me that is going to generate enough publicity and attention.

I really don't need anymore right now.