Monday, September 26, 2011

Disaster Averted

This last week I had my annual physical with my general practitioner. Now as this appointment approached I realized I was getting low on my hormone supply.

Perfect! Usually when these two appointments get close like this I have my GP add a few extra test to the list and send the extra results to my HRT Doctor.

Knowing this I called the office of my HRT Doctor.

Only to find out he was no longer practicing at that office.

In fact they didn't have any way for me to contact him and scouring the internet and other resources I could not find him.


Oh, did I mention the HRT supply was getting low?

Yep, not good. remembering how when I stopped hormones for surgery I became the wicked stepmother incarnate.

Knowing this I starting scouring the internet and any other trans related forums I could find and came up with a name. Better still he was an Endocrinologist (which my other wasn't), which I had always would have preferred but had trouble finding one two and half years ago. On top of it all he is a well known Doctor at the biggest university around here. Not to mention one of the top medical schools in the country. Double super bonus he accepts my medical insurance.

And he sees trans patients.


The issue was, when could I get into see him.

By the time I tracked all this info down the best I could do was call him the morning of my appointment with my GP. Hopefully I could get this resolved and have my GP help me in the mean time if there was an issue.

I called and got a wonderful office associate named Pam. She asked me why I wanted to see the doctor. So I explained I was on hormones and my last doctor was no longer practicing. My current prescription was running out and I needed to find a new doctor.

She told me that wasn't a problem but that he was on vacation in October so when he could get me in was going to be tricky. Yet before that she asked if I was a new patient to the Hospital and University's medical care program. Explaining that I was she still decided to double check.

"Let me just make sure you aren't in here somewhere. What is you last name?"

Which I supplied.

"Ok what is your first name?"

{Knowing that my insurance was on my old name still, and that for now I am legally known as him I gave her that one. }

"Wait...Your {His name}?"


"oh...{pause}...OH! I see, well you aren't in the system, but for our records do you have another name you prefer, so that we can put it into our records?"

"Yes, Kelli. Is it going to be an issue that my name isn't changed yet?"

"Oh no, of course not! We just want to know so we address you correctly when you are here. Are you going to be changing it?"

"Yes, that should be happening sometime in the next six months."

"Great! Well for now we will bill you with the old name but when you change it and your insurance changes just let us know so we can update everything."

"Thank you so much."

"Oh it is no problem at all sweetie. Now lets find a day we can get you in."

Which she did. She was so very sweet and apologized for a system goof on her part. Which didn't bug me at all. She was very nice and extremely helpful so taking a little longer to sort things out wasn't an issue. She found a couple of dates in November for me and I choose the first one that would work the best.

Appointment set she put me on hold and got the records office on the phone to properly get all my insurance info into the system. Before she let me go she did inform me that I would be getting a patient record card in the mail and a notice of my first appointment. And to bring the patient card with me as it will expedite entering my info into the system.

That all set I had one other issue to take care of.

Namely, my current hormone supply was not going to last until the second week of November.

Off to my annual physical I went.

Once my Doctor got into the room, we went over everything that was going on. He did the standard physical once over for someone my age and asked me about my hormones, as he isn't handling them. He just isn't experienced with it and doesn't feel comfortable doing so. Which is fine with me. I just want him to be me standard doctor and take care of the mundane stuff.

This allowed me to then go into the story I mentioned already. He was shocked as he knew the other doctor and had not heard anything. He was then extremely curious as to what had happened. I did stop him before he went to far and added that I was going to run out of hormones soon and was wondering if he could refill my current script so I would at least have enough to get me through the waiting period and than have the new doctor take it from there.

He asked how long I had been on these doses and I told him almost twenty months. This relaxed him a bit as he wasn't going to be changing what I was taking.

We then finished my appointment, had the nurse come in and draw blood for the usual test and the extra ones. Prescriptions in hand I was on my way.

Glad a least to have myself covered until the end of the year and a new doctor on the way. Because when I found all this out I was in total panic mode since things had been going so well up to this point. That and I recalled the misery I was in during the time I had to stop for surgery.

I am so not looking forward to that ever again.

At least I manage to avoid that again.

Friday, September 23, 2011

Tipping the Scales

And no, this post as nothing to do with the bathroom variety.

For me to successfully transition I had to defeat my long standing arguments and logic of why I shouldn't transition.

Minus the fear, which is always there. I had to undo one basic fundamental reason I usually used to stomp out the idea whenever it came roaring to the front of my head.

You(as in me)don't look like a girl.

It was easy to use against myself. As strong as the desire was to do something about my transsexualism I could take one look in the mirror and say; Nope, not even possible! End of story.

I mean really, I had let myself go. I was fifty pounds over weight, I was flabby, hairy and had been cutting my hair incredible short for fifteen years.

To say the experience of stepping outside as me, the first time, was traumatic is a bold faced understatement.

Every argument and logical reasoning, all fueled by fear, I had was in my head resonating like a jet airplane. Screaming at me that this was all wrong, it would never work, etc, etc, etc.

And really I came home and cried that day for two reasons.

First, I never thought it would ever be possible.

Two, I didn't want to live the way I had anymore.

No easy feat. I knew right away I had a very long road ahead of me. Yet if I was going to do this I needed to change just about everything about me.

At least physically.

I started a controlled and careful diet and consistent exercise. Which I maintain as best I can to this day.

I began letting my hair grow out.

Then there was the removal of facial hair. (Still working on this one but I am getting really close. YAY!!)

Next I brought hormones into the mix. This had a larger effect on me mentally but the physical changes cannot be discounted.

The other ingredient was time. Really I started all this four years ago, maybe not all at once but I did start with what I could at that time.

I simply needed to sit back and let all these ingredients simmer for a bit.

When they were close and almost ready I added in a big one by changing a few of my most glaring facial features via surgery.

Really there were a few things that just had to change and a couple I wanted for aesthetical reason.

OK! Shush, so I was also being a little vain. Fine, I'll admit it but if I was going to go under the knife why not spruce up two things. Again I was trying to defeat a long standing reason for not transitioning.

Now that I have taken the time, the pain, the process. Things have indeed changed and for the better.

This was a driving force behind my finally telling HR. I had simply stopped existing as a boy, not counting work.

Once things finally had healed up, and other things kept changing. (Think hair) I would try to present the world with a boy and fail miserably at it.

To the point I can't even show someone my old drivers license and have them use the old gender pronouns toward me.

He, effectively, is gone. The constant reverberation of what the world at large thinks about me, when they see me, has finally quashed those old arguments. They simply have no muscle behind them and their faint little whimper is about to disappear entirely.

I literally tipped the scales the other way. I am no long afraid of stepping out of the house as a girl. It doesn't bother me. I simply am.

The converse side of the equation is that I am uncomfortable attempting to be a boy. Sans work, every other local I step into has viewed me as a girl. I get more odd looks then than I do as a me.

There was a lot of pain. It took a lot of patience but the balance as swung. I know who I am know and I am comfortable with that person.

I am not saying this method is for everyone. Some people might just be able to go into head first and handle it just fine. For me, I need to push myself far enough that there were wasn't another option. Because I knew fear would convince me to take it.

Am I done yet? No. There are a few things left to do. Thought I am far enough along that they aren't a big issue and one of them would only happen after I went full time anyway.

And that isn't that far away.

Friday, September 16, 2011

The Other Woman

Who would be me!

Scandalous!!! It'll be splashed over all the tabloid before I know it.

Now I know I am thinking I totally just shattered your good girl image of me.

I haven't, maybe.

Not sure actually, but let me explain.

Last weekend I was out with B(shocker I know!). This was actually the first time in nearly four weeks we were able to spend any considerable time together. Other than seeing him for about an hour at the end of the evening I spent with C.

So there we were hanging out at his favorite spot, catching up on things, laughing, having fun.

As we discussed everything that was going on he reviled to me that he had a work wife at the new job.

{insert eye-twitching jealous rage}

They are in the same training program. They had been hanging out after work, which is easy to do when you are both getting off the clock at around midnight. He had a lot of good things to say about her and she was the first co-worker at the new job he has come out too.

All in all it seemed like she was someone worth while and he seemed to really like having her as a friend.

While chatting about everything B gets a call from...well I will call her C² since I don't have a clever nickname yet and she shares the same first initial as C...C²

Seems she is out and about with friends for a bachelorette party and wants B to come hang out a bit.

Now I don't know about other locales but the latest thing around here is for a bachelorette party to end up at a gay bar where there is a drag show. I don't get it myself but that is becoming quite common.

The only place in our area is the same location I used to frequent when trying to build up my nerve to go out. It is a gay bar, has a drag show and on Saturday nights is trans night.

I never felt I fit in there and haven't been in a long time.

Yet B wanted me to meet her, I think because he saw the three of us hanging out from time to time. Since it was for him I screwed up my courage and went.

{must resist temptation to stab}

Best timing ever as we parked and headed in C²'s party bus pulled in. We waited out side for the happy(by happy I mean drunk) party to climb(stumble) out of their transportation. It was near eleven at this time so some of them were in a really good mood.

Introductions around as C² explained to the party who B was. Then turned to met me.

From there things get weird but not immediately.

She was friendly but inside B and I ran into our friends S & J whom had already met C² a week or so earlier. I forget the exact story.

Here is what I noticed, S & J are non transitioners. Granted I have a lot of respect for them. I knew my friendship could only go so far.( J even mention this to me very early on. She was super supportive about it. Telling me I never really belonged there to begin with and that she would welcome the day I moved on with a normal existence.)

C² is super friendly to S & J along with a few other people B knew there, mostly other gay men.

Me on the other hand I feel as if there was a gap between us. At first I couldn't put my finger on it as she was friendly and polite toward me.

What was it?

I think I was being sized up as competition.

Before I was just someone B had mentioned or talked about. Now suddenly here I was in front of her and I have no idea what B told her, but I think I was being viewed straight up as the other woman in our strange little relationship.

She knew B was very good friends with me. She knows I care a lot for B. Yet now she had deal with this living, breathing girl in front of her.

On top of that I am sure my looks didn't help her feel any better about it. (I know I have no ego, nor do I think I am that pretty, but really I can't discount what others say to me. Consider I had a lesbian hit on me earlier in the night at a different bar. For REALS!! I know that opinion exists.)

I can't fault for it either. I learned a long time ago this is why I would get jealous of my male friends when I was younger. When they would meet a girl and start spending more time with them than me.

Those bitches were competition!

I just never understood that feeling fully until much later.

Now I know I joked about the stabbing and crazy jealous rage earlier in the post.

I really have no problem sharing B. Honestly the boy needs more good friends and C² seems to be a solid person even if she has a little be of a wild side to her. Even though I got the feeling of being sized up, and maybe not fully welcome, she never made me feel unwelcome.

Time will tell, but honestly this was the first time I think I was really being viewed as such. At least from another girl in direct responses to my relationship with the same man.

Granted B is a gay man and nothing is going on there. It simply was what I perceived.

So for that night I felt like the other woman.

I am sure we will be fine. B asked me, as we were walking to our cars, what I thought of her and I said I liked her. That She seemed really cool and fun. She obviously thinks highly of B, so as long as she is good to him and a positive influence, I am good with that.

Treat him badly and my claws will probably come out, but I am in no way going to compete with anyone for his attention. I know how he feels about me and I have no worries about our friendship.

Besides I am willing to share.

We shall see.

Now, I would never actually be the other woman. Way too much drama there and frankly I have enough with everything else to generate more needlessly.

So stop thinking I am a tramp y'all!

Thursday, September 15, 2011

No Future but That Which We Make for Ourselves.

"There comes a time in the life of every human when he or she must decide to risk "their life, their fortune, and their sacred honor" on an outcome dubious. Those who fail the challenge are merely overgrown children, can never be anything else." - Stranger in a Strange Land

Thursday, September 8, 2011

Viewer's Choice

I told a friend this little story that happened and she felt I should turn it into a post.

Now I am not sure it deserves a post but I'll try.

You might remember the GNO I recently had with C.

Well there was an interesting little tidbit I left out that happened at the end. Probably the reason I didn't include it as part of the night is it wasn't something that happen while it was just the two of us.

See upon B's arrival home he immediately wanted to head out for a drink.

We both looked at each other and said sure. So off the three of us went.

Now for the sake of time (it was nearly midnight) we stopped in the sports bar not far from B's apartment. Seriously it is a hop, a skip and a jump away. Totally within stumble home distance.

We hoped out of the car, started strolling in and C suddenly looks at me and asks if I am ok going in there, since this was a rather John Q Public straight bar.

I shrugged and said it did not matter to me. We would just find out if it mattered to anyone in there. I also commented that considering our adventures earlier in the evening it should be pretty obvious I am not concerned anymore.

She smiled and said 'ok!'.

She wasn't worried I would get read, I think she was just worried about the clientèle.

In we went.

We strolled up to the bar, Myself and C on either side of B (She cleverly calls him a thorn between two roses! Too cute!) and ordered our first round of drinks. I kept my light as I was going to need to drive home soon. (Smartly followed up by a soda after).

We started talking, I glanced around, didn't notice anything to out of the ordinary. When suddenly there is a dude taking the chair right next to me on the other side from B.

I think at this point we had been there a whole five minutes. If that.

Now when I say dude I really do mean dude. This guy was squat and big. I wouldn't have called him unpleasant to look at but I really didn't find him attractive at all. Certainly not my type.

However, dealing with guys is something I need practice with. I have learned a lot but I thought why not. Lets see what is going to happen.

Quite quickly I learned he was mildly drunk, talked a lot about himself, was a poor conversationalist, and was awful at complimenting a girl.

Ok, sooooo time to ditch him.

Just one problem...I couldn't.

I tried once, twice, three times to let him go.

The last comment I made was "I really don't want to be rude, but I would like to spend time with my friends as I don't get to really see them all that often.'

All the attempts failed.

Now I was stuck. I so needed a life line.

I started looking over at C and B trying to make pleading gestures for some assistance during all this. Finally after I said my last line, AGAIN, I was hitting B on the leg under the bar. He finally got my message and helped bail me out. All he really did was backup my last comment by stating that Mr. Creepy was intruding and that we all wanted to talk. Without his constant interruption.

I mean really I turned my back on him. I told him I wasn't interested, nothing worked.

C told me after he was gone we needed to work on signals when I was in trouble. C knows I have dealt with being hit on rather well in the past so she knew I could handle myself. Obviously though there are going to be moments I am going to need a little help while I learn how to deal with new situations.

The thing that irritated me the most though, was the fact that he almost immediately walked up and took the seat next to me. The bar wasn't particularly crowded the three of us had almost one end of it to ourselves. So the question is why did he pick me? I wasn't dressed up. Simply a tee shirt, jeans shorts and sandals. I knew C was in travel mode and it really was just a casual evening of two friends hanging out chatting. So obviously I was not trying to advertise anything.

The only thing I do wonder is perhaps I was read and for some reason I was easy pickings or at least that was the thought. As if I feel the need to validate myself with a man or something as such.

No I don't, and while I want to be sexually active, I am not interested in dating during these stages of transition.

Simply not going to happen.

B and C both said I was crazy for thinking I was read. They just don't see why anyone would think otherwise.

C did tell me that, while I am a sweet girl, I will occasionally need to get in touch with my inner bitch to ward off the foolish ones.

"Put them in his place a times."

Good advice.

Still I am left to wonder what exactly was driving Mr. Creepy. I'll never no for sure.

In the mean time. Guys, really, I give you credit for trying but when a girl says she wants to talk with her friends and turns away from you...she ISN'T interested.

Thanks for playing.

Wednesday, September 7, 2011


This last Friday I was supposed to spend some time with B.

That never happened.

Something unexpected and better did.

What happened was this. B recently had started a new job. This was actually a really good thing for him. He needed it and the boy is putting great effort into being a good employee. I am already seeing a change in who he is as a result.

The issue was after he finished his training program he is going to be working the afternoon shift. Three-Thirty to Midnight.

At least that is what he thought and I was lead to believe.

Not so fast.

Instead, after being there for a few weeks for the initial part of his training, they switched him to afternoons about two weeks earlier then expected.

Only he found out the Friday before.

I, however, was out of town on business and seeing some friends the weekend before. So it happened he was unable to inform me of this change. Which meant I spent the week being blissfully unaware that he wasn't going to be free Friday evening to hang out.

Until Friday.

As I had this Friday off I sent him a text while I was out running errands to inquire as to what time he wanted my to be at his apartment.



"Hey babe, how are you? How did the thing go with work yesterday?"

"Really well sweetie, but why are you calling me during the day? Shouldn't you be at work?"

{It is important to note that B was keeping his phone off during the day. He was being that fussy about his new job. It didn't bother me I just knew that he usually wasn't going to answer my text right away or my calls.}

"Ummm...yeah about that. You and I have been so busy I haven't been able to tell you we started the afternoon shift early. All this week I have been working it. So I cannot hang out with you tonight."

{I swear there was a great disturbance in the Force, as if millions of voices suddenly cried out in terror and were suddenly silenced.}

There were my hopes and dreams crushed, I was going to be spending the night sitting at home ready a book or something when I was really looking forward to getting out of the house.

"So I am on my own tonight then huh? You couldn't have let me know sooner?"

"Well I apologize but you and I have both been very busy. Worse yet C is coming back from Japan tonight and she is staying at my place tonight before we head down to see family over the weekend for the Holidays and I haven't been able to get a hold of her to let her know how to find the key to let her in. As she was gone already before I knew myself."

"Wait a minute, are you telling me C is coming in this afternoon from her trip and staying all by herself at your apartment for six hours before you get home?"

"Yeah, why?"

"Awww I feel bad for her then. Tell her, if you do reach her, that I am not going to be doing anything tonight and if she wants to call me and I would still love to hang out. I'll even drive her around if she wants anything such as dinner or something."


"Yes really, I would hate for her to be alone on this side of town."

"That is really nice of you I will let her know if I can ever reach her while she is enroute."

With that settled we went on to discuss the events at work and some other things before I had to let him go so he could finish his errands before he had to leave for work and I could finish mine.

A few hours later I got a quick text.

"C totally wants to see you and is starving. Call her at around 5 to discuss. XXX-XXX-XXXX, she has your number too."

I then finished my chores and was wrapping up my errands when it was time for me to call C.

"Hello! Kelli?"


"Omg how are you?"

"I am good, you?

"Tired from the flight but starving are you still willing to go to dinner? I am not taking you from anything am I?"

"Of course not. If you didn't want to go out tonight I was probably going to just sit at home reading a book or something. Besides I felt bad B was leaving you there by yourself."

"Lol no big deal but I would love the company. I am still en route to B's and I have a few things to do after I get there. Would 6:30 work for you?"

"Totally! That is perfect, I need to take a shower and change anyways."

"Awesome I will see you then."

Thus after I finished a few thing, cleaned myself up I was at B's apartment at the designated time. Hugs all around, we catch up a bit as she finished wrapped up something for work(she was on a business trip.)

I gave her the scoop on work, which completely shocked her as she wasn't aware that I had not told them. We chatted about that, her trip to Japan(she even brought me back green tea and I love tea's so that was super sweet.) Other things that were going on or happening. After a bit we headed out for dinner.

After a few false starts as I am not that familiar the area B now lives in and she isn't with this entire side of the state we found a wonderful little Italian restaurant with some text help from the Professor, as he used to live on that side of town for a while.

Terrific dinner, enjoyed the conversation talking about so many things, life, B, dating, books we were reading or had read.

She loved getting a nice meal and the feeling of comfort food after all the fair she had in Japan. She didn't mind it as lot of it was interesting and really good, but being a Midwestern girl like me she wasn't used to it for ten straight days.

We finished dinner and heading back to B's place. We pulled out a chick flick, dumped it into a his DVD player. Climbed into his bed(the only DVD player is in there for now) and proceed to talk about everything for the next two hours as we waited for B to come home from work.

There was conversations about her up coming wedding. Some of the things that have happened with her friend Kitten(I mentioned her once here). Work, boys, shopping, clothes, even my issue(C asked some really good questions and had some great comments in return). At the end of it all she was so happy that I am able to do this. It was an amazing evening and I had so much fun talking to her about things in general. We laughed, cried, and just enjoyed the conversation.

Shortly before B came home she told me two things. That we had to do this again sometime soon and I think the best thing I ever heard.

"Kelli, you are amazing. Honestly you are such a girl it isn't funny, I don't know how you possible managed this long. I am glad I met you and I am glad I get to spend time with you. I am also glad you are friends with B, he needs more and you are such a good influence on him. He has grown up a bit since he has started hanging out with you and he needed that. I wish you all the best in the future, you deserve it."

C rocks!!! I told her earlier that I was just happy to have friends like her and B in my life. That they just treat my like me and my issue doesn't bother them along with that fact that because they know they are checking in on me to make sure I am doing ok.

It was a great and amazing night, she confirmed that if she is stuck in town ever again she will get in touch with me so she can have some good company. Even if B isn't avavilbe.

Also earlier in the night she asked me this:

"Hey, if you are around this Halloween a few of my girlfriends of mine from the other side of the state are coming into town for a big Halloween party. I would love it if you could come. Can you? I don't know if B can yet, but it doesn't matter it will just be us girls if that is the case."

Great friends have made this journey easier to bear and C has been one of the best. I cannot wait to hang out with the girls this halloween. (Yes B confirmed that as long as work isn't in the way he would be coming.)

People like C make this world a brigther place and better yet they make my journey a bit easier.

I cannot wait to do it again.

Tuesday, September 6, 2011

And Now For The Rest of The Story

As you might know I recently did something rather earth shaking and profound.

I sent my letter to HR. You will also know that I got an email in response to my letter informing of an upcoming meeting to meet my HR rep face to face.

I could hardly wait. /sarcasm

This was to happen last Thursday.

So shortly after lunch I grabbed my notebook and began my trek over to the other building. (I have mentioned in the past that I work in a much smaller secondary building from the rest of the company.)

I can tell you this. My stomach was turning over like crazy. I had no idea what was coming. I had every reason to be hopeful with the email response I got from my rep didn't seem to indicate anything to really worry about.

That doesn't mean I didn't worry. If there is one thing I have learned in all of this is that one can never tell what someones reaction will be. In this case there was a tremendous amount on the line.

Without my job I would be unable to complete my transition. Though there is a chance that I would find work elsewhere you have to consider the current economy would not exactly be in my favor.

Having walked a number of times between these two buildings I can tell you without a doubt this was the longest and most nerve wracking of them all.

I made my way up to the fourth floor and back to the location HR was in. (Now I am not in this building very often so this was actually my first official visit to HR. Everything else has either been done in a conference room in a different location or via phone/email.

Now HR is located in a back corner, I would also imagine they don't get a lot of visitors there. Well I could be wrong it just seemed as I walk up to my reps desk he seemed to know someone was approaching and turned to see who it was.

Which is when he paused. Looked at me for a second, tilted his head and quietly asked:

"{his name}?"


He brighten up at that point and greeted me. Then he directed me to a little conference room they have up in their area. Told me to sit and make myself comfortable while he closed the door and sat down himself.

The first thing he said to me was this:

"I just want to say that in my eleven years of working HR have never encountered this. I do want to say before we go any further I think what you are doing is extremely brave. Second I also want to tell you that was one of the best letters I ever read regarding any situation. You obviously put a lot of thought and effort into it. It also didn't force or demand anything from us. I was really impressed."

So far so good.

"Now before I go into any of my question and ask you if you have any I just want to say HR is fully behind you in this. We want you to be able to do this successfully and we want you to be able to do it without any changes in your position or employment status."

"I can tell you this, you are the first I have ever encountered. So this is all new to me. Also I have talked to the director of HR and it is a first for her too. I do apologize but we are going to be learning a lot about this as we go. I hope you don't mind me using you as a source of information."

Can you day big sigh of relief?

With that we moved into a number of questions about things. Including some of my story on how I got to this point. Things I had to do yet. Time off that might be needed. We established a rough idea of how to go about telling my boss, manager and the rest of my team and the IT department. We talked concerned and issue. Maybe not resolving them but at least getting them out in the open so that everyone will know they are there.

My goal here was to start and open dialog and go from there. I didn't want to tell them how to do it. I want their opinions and hopefully just guide it along with what I feel would be best for me.

I am due to met the HR Director this week and they are going to talk to my boss. Which should follow with my manager.

Lots of back and forth, he stated he was very excite to have the opportunity to work with me to get through this.

I don't know who true all this is, but it does make me feel hopeful that this could go well. We shall see.

Oh and the awkward moment when I first showed up? Well being in HR he pulled up my ID badge, which is a bit out of date to put it mildly. His confusion was he was expecting someone else and I showed up. Let's just say we had a little chuckle about how the two didn't match.

I walked out of there feeling better but still woozy and in some shock that it all happened and it went as well as it did so far.

It is going to be an interesting few weeks as this news filters down to other people.

Even today I can't believe I did it.

Wish me luck!