Monday, February 22, 2010

Battling the typewriter monkeys

I have three posts that I started and actually spend a lot of time on.

However I don't like the tone in any of them.

In one I come across as a spoiled, whiny brat.

That isn't me.

And for some strange reason I am unable to focus much today.

Maybe I just need some time, sleep or...a fresher bunch of bananas.

Who knows.

But I'll be back just as soon as I can calm the primates down and get them working again.

Friday, February 19, 2010

The Nightmare Before Transition

"The only thing we have to fear is fear itself." -- Franklin Delano Roosevelt

Call it abhorrence, agitation, anxiety, aversion, cold feet, consternation, cowardice, despair, discomposure, dismay, distress, doubt, dread, fainthearted, foreboding, fright, horror, misgiving, nightmare, panic, phobia, scared, suspicion, terror, timidity, trepidation, unease, or worry.

It is all the same thing.


I thought about this long and hard recently.

I am perplex about how, even though we know it is only manifested in our head, we allow it to still control our lives.

Think about it.

Fear drove me to hide who I am for almost 25 years.

Fear caused me to repress entire parts of my personality.

Fear was the reason I never lived on my own.

Fear forced me to stay in the house even thought I wanted nothing more to go out and show the world who I really was.

Fear determined much of my path in life.

Fear overwhelmed the quiet voice inside that was me.

Fear closed so many doors for so long that I am now fearful of opening them.

Fear has so long been a part of my life that it now feels like a constant companion.

I would almost feel lonely without fear.

For all the bad though I can't say fear has always been a complete negative in my life.

Fear is the reason I am still here talking to you today. For if not for Fear I would not be here today.

Still, Fear, as had far too large an influence on my life.

The truly sad part is that it still does.

Though I have managed to get better at dealing with it along with having grown a great deal in controlling it.

The wonderful new part is the new fears.

Imagine if you will the fact that old fears are disappearing. I am much more comfortable being out as me. I have gained a great deal of confidence in the way I present myself. I am not longer afraid of who I am. I have embraced it.

I am not afraid of what society thinks of me. I just want to be me.

So what am I afraid of?

I am afraid of my family's reaction when I tell them and that is coming very soon.

I am fearful that people will still insist on thinking I am still him and never truly let me let go of him.

I am scared that I won't be able to make the changes to my physical appearance.

I have anxiety that even if I do it won't be enough or look right.

I worry that I will end up all alone. By that I mean friends and family.

I am terrified others will see me as not who I am but what they think I am.

I panic about how it will affect my employment status.

I have nightmares that I will forever be stuck between two genders never able to truly be myself. Since my past and/or my physical short comings won't allow it.

All these fears do is cast doubt over everything I am doing. I don't doubt who I am. I don't doubt how I want to change my life. I also don't doubt how I want to live going forward.

I just doubt that I can be as successful as I want to be.

Now don't get me wrong, I fully intend to continue moving forward. It isn't easy to look Fear in the eye and back it down. I am doing just that but it has taken a lot to over come some of the fears I have had to just get to where I am.

I take a lot of solace in that.

Which helps as I go forward.

I have learned a great deal about myself over the last two years. While I might be locked in a long fight with Fear, I am confident I can defeat him.

The battles however are never pretty and no one ever comes out unscathed.

Such is the nature of fighting Fear.

    "Collective fear stimulates herd instinct, and tends to produce ferocity toward those who are not regarded as members of the herd." -- Bertrand Russell

    "Perhaps the most important thing we can undertake toward the reduction of fear is to make it easier for people to accept themselves, to like themselves." -- Bonaro W. Overstreet

    "Death is not the biggest fear we have; our biggest fear is taking the risk to be alive -- the risk to be alive and express what we really are." -- Don Miguel Ruiz

    "Only when we are no longer afraid do we begin to live." -- Dorothy Thompson

    "Ultimately we know deeply that the other side of every fear is a freedom." -- Marilyn Ferguson

    "People are never more insecure than when they become obsessed with their fears at the expense of their dreams." -- Norman Cousins

Thursday, February 18, 2010



And Melissa you are so lucky I didn't have time to read your comment since I had not yet watched it and didn't want to know!!!!

I asked not to be told!!!

Sadly I heard she fell in the Combine today, but she got one Gold and that is what matters. Super G is another event she excels in hopefully she can grab a second medal in that.

Fading into the mist.

So I had my 5th and probably final laser treatment this last Tuesday.

That is going really well. Anything left will be lighter or gray hairs that will probably need electrolysis to remove.

I already set an appointment in six weeks and she will evaluate me then to determine the exact course of action.

At least it has made a huge different and I am looking forward to clearing out anything left.

However all that isn't the reason I am posting about it.


The truly interesting part of this story is that I had not, up to this point, told her about me.

I'm not sure why.

I guess my fear is I never know how a stranger will react when I tell them. So I had kept quiet until I had gotten to know her better.

This last visit however I must have been showing my thoughts on my sleeve Tuesday because she pinned me down about what was going on.

She even tried to tell me that to start the story because she already had an idea what the ending was.

That caught me off gaud. I was wondering what she thought but with that in mind I let the cat out of the bag.

So after I told her I was transgendered. She stopped and looked at me and said:

"Yep I knew that."

"You did?"

"Yes the first time you walked in here it was obvious to me."

(note: I have only been able to go to the clinic immediately after work, including my original consult. So I have never been anything but in boy mode when there.)

"Really I was that obvious?"

"Oh yes, your mannerisms, how you talk, the way carry yourself, it was obviously clashing against your appearance."

I didn't think I was that obvious, really. I am wondering if it is the fact that I put so much effort into it at work to be him I that I am just getting tired of it and after my typical long drive in he car I just let him go. At least some of him, just to get a mental break for it all.

I am not sure but obviously I am bleeding through.

Still she was super supportive and even mentioned that there is a support group that meets inside the same office park once a month. Not sure if I will go or not, but the thought was appreciated.

I am just surprised that I am showing through so badly. I can't help but wonder that people who know me as him are thinking.

It's ponderous, really ponderous.

Don't tell me!!!

With NBC stupid tape delay and my busy night last night I didn't get to watch the entire women's downhill event before the sleep fairy claimed me.

I have been diligently avoiding news outlets so that I might be able to finish it tonight. 

I so prefer watching these events live.

So don't tell me!!!!

Friday, February 12, 2010


I find inspiration in odd locations.

Some might even say strange.

From movies to music, to book and friends. I am however not afraid to look outside the box. As I find most celebrities aren't very good ones. Too much baggage, impossible standards. So I look elsewhere.

Now let me introduce one.



So why am I so enamored with her?

Well first she is an amazing woman. That is the key, a woman. Look again carefully. Notice the broad shoulders and strong arms? She is also tall. Standing at 5'10" and being a svelte 160lbs. Yet there is no denying she is a woman.

However she is larger then me yet she is still considered a beautiful woman and is celebrated in certain circles for that. The above photo shoot was done for a large marketing campaign that you are going to be seeing in the next couple of weeks. This campaign was designed to show us women who we might not ordinarily see looking stylish, even beautiful.


Because the women in the campaign will not be seen as she does above. Their names and faces can and will become familiar to us over the next few weeks. But they will not appear to us like this.

Because I know you are dying to know. This is how the wonderful woman above will be seen by almost the entire world over the next two weeks

Figure it out yet?

The woman I have shown you is Team USA's Lindsey Vonn. She is not only a gold medal favorite in several events at the 2010 Winter Olympics but also two time World Cup ski champion. Simply put she has been the best female skier in the entire world two years running.

I told you outside the box. Alpine skiing has long been one of my favorite activities. I fell in love with it at a young age, not to mention my early ski partner was my sister in-law. She was always looking for me when my parents used to trek up to northern part of our state for winter vacation and a skiing we would go.

So I am greatly looking forward to the Alpine events, particularly the Women and Men's DownHill and Super G events. They are really all I am interested in seeing other then the opening or closing ceremonies. I might sit and watch something if I see it on and it captures my attention, but I really don't pay attention all that much other then what I mentioned.

And I am totally rooting for Lindsey! I have caught interviews with her and she is incredibly focus, yet seems down to earth and gracious.

So I will watch as I have mentioned before I am athletic but they have never let it defined me. I simply found activities I enjoyed and participated mostly for the fun and some exercise. I just don't like to sit on my but all the time. Then there are a few I actually pay attention to and this is one of them.

I guess I just appreciate that a woman can be considered beautiful and yet not some 100lbs supermodel or ultra petite actress. I look at the above photos and all I see is a tall, strong, athletic and yet still received as a woman. I find that very inspiring when I am having my moments of doubt.


Wednesday, February 10, 2010

"You're a mess!"

These words were said to me last week by a very good friend. They caught me off guard causing me to think about what she said.


Because in her defense she was right.

In my defense my GID had come roaring up in Godzilla like proportions and was stomping around in my head much like he does to some poor metropolis.

It was that bad.

I am struggling with a number of issues all at once.

Some of them good along with the bad.

First I am finding it harder and harder to present him. I get up every morning and as I get ready for work I have to calm myself as I get dressed. Order my thoughts and find that place in my head where he exists. These are the technics my theater instructor trained me so very well on back in HS. I rely on them heavily.

But that doesn't mean that I don't feel uncomfortable as him. I do a great deal. It gets even worse as I physically change even more and draw more stares as him then I do as me.

But then to compound the issue, I find myself still not able to fully be myself with out a little help. They just so happen to be two very key areas.

This causes me to get bitchy about it. Which only adds fuel to the GID monster.

You have to keep in mind that when I first sat down and realized I had to start the self evaluating process, seek therapy, figure what exactly was causing all the discontent all these years.

I felt no push to do anything, simply it was just try and figure it all out, just a feeling that it was time to stop trying to ignore the problem and face it head on.

With that in mind I took my time, talked it out, analyzed what was going on in my head, sought out professional assistance, and tried to determine what the issue really was.

Well I figured it out. I finally accepted the issue, embraced it and now know what my course of action is.

It is now that I have reached this point. My goodness do I feel the push but I seem to be moving in slow motion.

Now I do feel that it is necessary to take my time and let nature take it course on some things. I also need that time to prepare so that I can talk to family members and generally get ready for what is about to come.

But I want to spend time as me, I am happier, calmer, more relaxed and a better person when I can let myself just be.

But I am fighting the fact that me doesn't come 100% naturally do me. I have a lot of things that work for me, but two major parts, my hair and chest (and really more of the former) drives me crazy.

I also realized last week that I truly do hate switching back and forth. I don't want to do it anymore and I want to just let go of him.

But I can't just yet.

Which just fueled the GID monster even more.

So I feel totally caught in a catch 22.

And it is crushing me like a vice.

I feel uncomfortable as him. I feel like I am lying to a degree being me.

A session at therapy didn't help. I got home 'had' to change and just felt angry at everything, me, my situation, the unfairness, the slowness, and everything.

And it had nothing to do with the clothes, it never does, it just the feeling that I have to 'attempt' to bottle everything back up. Changing is just a symbolic reference to start restricting myself and find him again.

Which is something I don't want to do anymore.

At this point the monster had enough energy and out it came.

To make matters worse I was feeling this frustration and I was on the eve of embarking on a weekend trip to do one of my favorite activities. Downhill Skiing, yep I have been hooked ever since I was twelve and first learned how. Not to mention I got quite good at it. It was something I could enjoy and my gender didn't matter.

I should have been looking forward to this, yet I was more upset about my gender then I think I have ever been. Maybe I was upset cause I had to do something I love as 'him', and was jealous I don't know for sure.

Which was upsetting me royally. When I mentioned all this to my friend she basically told me the title of this post.

As I mentioned she was right. I was a mess, for a number of reasons. Sillier still when I got nothing but ma'amed all weekend long without even trying. Not to mention a lot of second glances and what not since I am quite sure that even thought I was attempting to be a boy I was either confusing people or not doing a good job of convincing them I was a boy.

I still feel some discord about my appearance I do want to fix these things so people will hopefully stop looking quizzically at me or at least accept me for what I am presenting them in the future.

Maybe it is because I am starting to look so androgynous in general and that I don't fully feel comfortable in either role just as is. I guess the saying 'between a rock and a hard place' makes sense here. I feel as though I am trapped between who I was and who I really am.

I have relaxed a bit, settled myself down, and chased the GID monster away.

Though it will be an interesting year if everything that I think is going to happen does happen.

I'll just have to be more wary that my GID could come roaring back at any time.

Wednesday, February 3, 2010

The other side of the equation

So as you all know, and are now aware of, people who know me cannot fathom how I live as 'him'.

The issue is they only know me as me. It boggles their mind that I can actually live as a man.

Scary I know.

Also if you have been reading along and doing the appropriate exercise questions at the end of each chapter I have done a fairly darn good job of presenting the world at large with 'him'.

I had enough interests and activities to play a convincing role.

My sense of humor has carried me a long way. I can laugh at humor encompassing geek, cerebral, silly, cute, or down right tasteless.

Though I will admit that there is a line of tasteless or stupid that can be crossed that I don't like.

It also helped that I am sarcastic and silly by nature.

So when you wrapped that up, with a love of sci-fi/fantasy, was fairly athletic, keep my mannerism under check. (As we now know I wasn't always 100% successful), remembered not to say or reveal anything unusual, watched what I wore...

...and the world at large took me for a boy.

I had enough there to make it work for a while, I gave it my best to find some measure of happiness in what I allowed myself to be.

But here lies the rub.

It wasn't really me. Instead it was a carefully fabricated reality that I gave to myself.

However until recently no one knew or had much clue that something was up.

Which is going to make them wonder the exact opposite of what everyone in the other half of my life thinks.

"How can you possible think you are a girl?"

I can see it now. Granted for those that were astute enough or always though something odd or slightly different about me might realize what I am saying and put two and two together.

Others aren't going to be able to do most of that. In fact my theory is that most won't.

I mean my interests overlap each gender. Some would fall into the typical male spectrum and others into the female(which I typically didn't tell people about). With some things, as far as I am concerned, that are gender neutral. Since I know a fair number of women and men who have the same interest that I do.

But I worked so hard to hide in plain sight that those who have known 'him' the longest I think are going to have the trouble with it.

This I think is where the challenge will be. It is also a part of the driving force for me to change how I look. Not only do I want to be natural about my appearance (or at least as much as I can be) I don't want people who know him, to continue to see him in me. Well as much as possible anyway.

I guess it is my hope that once it is all said and done that others who are still willing to know me will have no choice to accept me for who I am.

If I can get there I am going to find the reactions interesting.

Should be a hoot!

Tuesday, February 2, 2010

Calm before the storm.

Things are quiet.

Almost too quiet.

It is getting to the point that I am getting edgy.

I feel like the coyote in the roadrunner cartoons where something went wrong, but nothing happened to him. Until something else fell, broke, or he gets startled by the roadrunner.

Then catastrophe.

Let us not forget that things have been progressing rather well. I had a recent appointment with my HRT doctor. Numbers are excellent. My facial hair is very nearly gone. My hair is starting to reach my jaw line and getting longer. Funds are working themselves out.

I recently sat down and wrote a letter to my parents to come out to them. I've had a few friends read it along with my therapist. All of them have said it was excellent, well thought out and approached the issue with an angle of love and acceptance. Rather then 'listen this is happening, deal with it'.

Granted that will still kind of have to happen. But I didn't want to smash their heads up against it.

I just see all the differences and changes. I know how other people view Kelli and how some people see Him. Those lines are slowly starting to blur.

I am getting excited about what life will be by the end of this year. Granted there are some important hurdles but the plan was to be full time by years end. While finishing up other changes next year.

I have also been in contact with a few more surgeons, again I like what I am hearing so far since I know I don't need drastic changes. A little, but I don't want to feel like I am getting my head chopped off. I'm still waiting for the official responses but I like the approach they have along with the work that they have done.

Things at home have been...well...even.

Sometimes I think we both know we are reaching the end this road together. Though we keep tiptoeing around it. It is almost like we know the landmine is there, but if we don't mention it we can pretend that it is not.

I really don't think that is a good thing, but I don't feel it is necessarily bad either. What I am trying to say while I am still stuck in the situation and it isn't good. Because things have been so quite it is also slightly tolerable. If that makes any sense.

Still all this has me edgy, mildly comfortable but edgy.

Maybe it is just because I don't know when the other shoe is going to drop next.

There is also no doubt that it is going to drop. From when or where might be the reason I feel so on edge. I don't know so it is hard to prepare.

I feel like I am going to get blindsided.

Then only thing I have on the horizon is I plan to come out to my parents late February or early March. Being retired pinning them down can be tricky, plus for obvious reasons I want to see them alone for this part.

That event in and of itself is gargantuan in scope and complexity. (haha I have always wanted to use that word in a sentence)

It is a lot to think about. I am scared silly and enormously hopeful at the same time. I'll discuss it more as I get closer.

At least I am getting out of town for a long weekend this weekend and doing something I love. I only get to do it during the winter months and gender doesn't matter.

I hope it helps me to recharge a bit. I have a hunch that life will only get crazy moving forward.

In the mean time I'll just keep holding my breath waiting.

Monday, February 1, 2010

Back to our regularly scheduled programming

Well I got everything working again along with prudently making a backup of my current template and HTML code.

I hadn't done that in a while and I had made a number of changes. Which caused issues when I attempted to fix things.

I know, I know. Don't remind me. I just didn't think I was going to have to hose the entire site to straighten this mess out.

And had I known what the fix was I wouldn't have had too.

Oh well.

For the time being it is working the way I want it too. I might always change or add something down the road but basics are there.

Look for a normal content from me soon.