Tuesday, February 2, 2010

Calm before the storm.

Things are quiet.

Almost too quiet.

It is getting to the point that I am getting edgy.

I feel like the coyote in the roadrunner cartoons where something went wrong, but nothing happened to him. Until something else fell, broke, or he gets startled by the roadrunner.

Then catastrophe.

Let us not forget that things have been progressing rather well. I had a recent appointment with my HRT doctor. Numbers are excellent. My facial hair is very nearly gone. My hair is starting to reach my jaw line and getting longer. Funds are working themselves out.

I recently sat down and wrote a letter to my parents to come out to them. I've had a few friends read it along with my therapist. All of them have said it was excellent, well thought out and approached the issue with an angle of love and acceptance. Rather then 'listen this is happening, deal with it'.

Granted that will still kind of have to happen. But I didn't want to smash their heads up against it.

I just see all the differences and changes. I know how other people view Kelli and how some people see Him. Those lines are slowly starting to blur.

I am getting excited about what life will be by the end of this year. Granted there are some important hurdles but the plan was to be full time by years end. While finishing up other changes next year.

I have also been in contact with a few more surgeons, again I like what I am hearing so far since I know I don't need drastic changes. A little, but I don't want to feel like I am getting my head chopped off. I'm still waiting for the official responses but I like the approach they have along with the work that they have done.

Things at home have been...well...even.

Sometimes I think we both know we are reaching the end this road together. Though we keep tiptoeing around it. It is almost like we know the landmine is there, but if we don't mention it we can pretend that it is not.

I really don't think that is a good thing, but I don't feel it is necessarily bad either. What I am trying to say while I am still stuck in the situation and it isn't good. Because things have been so quite it is also slightly tolerable. If that makes any sense.

Still all this has me edgy, mildly comfortable but edgy.

Maybe it is just because I don't know when the other shoe is going to drop next.

There is also no doubt that it is going to drop. From when or where might be the reason I feel so on edge. I don't know so it is hard to prepare.

I feel like I am going to get blindsided.

Then only thing I have on the horizon is I plan to come out to my parents late February or early March. Being retired pinning them down can be tricky, plus for obvious reasons I want to see them alone for this part.

That event in and of itself is gargantuan in scope and complexity. (haha I have always wanted to use that word in a sentence)

It is a lot to think about. I am scared silly and enormously hopeful at the same time. I'll discuss it more as I get closer.

At least I am getting out of town for a long weekend this weekend and doing something I love. I only get to do it during the winter months and gender doesn't matter.

I hope it helps me to recharge a bit. I have a hunch that life will only get crazy moving forward.

In the mean time I'll just keep holding my breath waiting.


Jessica Lyn said...

I feel kinda the same way and things with my mom are similar in the fact that if we don't talk about it, it's like it's not there at all. While this is less stressful, it also seems like taking a step back. I mean if my child came to me and told me he or she was transgendered, I would definitely talk about it with him or her or at the very least ask how things are going towards transitioning. But my mom does none of that... and even worse tries to enforce that I'm a guy by saying "son" alot more than usual and giving me a card that says "son" on it and writing inside how proud she is on the "man" I've become. That definitely broke my heart.

I guess people have their own way of dealing with things and some times that means hiding from it or ignoring it all together.