Wednesday, February 3, 2010

The other side of the equation

So as you all know, and are now aware of, people who know me cannot fathom how I live as 'him'.

The issue is they only know me as me. It boggles their mind that I can actually live as a man.

Scary I know.

Also if you have been reading along and doing the appropriate exercise questions at the end of each chapter I have done a fairly darn good job of presenting the world at large with 'him'.

I had enough interests and activities to play a convincing role.

My sense of humor has carried me a long way. I can laugh at humor encompassing geek, cerebral, silly, cute, or down right tasteless.

Though I will admit that there is a line of tasteless or stupid that can be crossed that I don't like.

It also helped that I am sarcastic and silly by nature.

So when you wrapped that up, with a love of sci-fi/fantasy, was fairly athletic, keep my mannerism under check. (As we now know I wasn't always 100% successful), remembered not to say or reveal anything unusual, watched what I wore...

...and the world at large took me for a boy.

I had enough there to make it work for a while, I gave it my best to find some measure of happiness in what I allowed myself to be.

But here lies the rub.

It wasn't really me. Instead it was a carefully fabricated reality that I gave to myself.

However until recently no one knew or had much clue that something was up.

Which is going to make them wonder the exact opposite of what everyone in the other half of my life thinks.

"How can you possible think you are a girl?"

I can see it now. Granted for those that were astute enough or always though something odd or slightly different about me might realize what I am saying and put two and two together.

Others aren't going to be able to do most of that. In fact my theory is that most won't.

I mean my interests overlap each gender. Some would fall into the typical male spectrum and others into the female(which I typically didn't tell people about). With some things, as far as I am concerned, that are gender neutral. Since I know a fair number of women and men who have the same interest that I do.

But I worked so hard to hide in plain sight that those who have known 'him' the longest I think are going to have the trouble with it.

This I think is where the challenge will be. It is also a part of the driving force for me to change how I look. Not only do I want to be natural about my appearance (or at least as much as I can be) I don't want people who know him, to continue to see him in me. Well as much as possible anyway.

I guess it is my hope that once it is all said and done that others who are still willing to know me will have no choice to accept me for who I am.

If I can get there I am going to find the reactions interesting.

Should be a hoot!