Tuesday, November 25, 2008

The History of Kelli - Episode IV

So where was I? Is there such a things a GPS for a blog?

Alrighty, now to pickup where our intrepid hero left off. I am entering the Junior year of my HS career. Almost no friends to speak of, trying to figure out who I am.

(I should note that due to having been born with enlarged tonsils, having a late birthday in the year. My parents had the option to put me in early figuring that if I got sick and got held back because of missing to much school, I could still graduate reasonably on time the next year. Low and behold I never got another throat infection until after I graduated. So I was always younger then my immediate peers.)

I did manage however. I started hanging out with a new group of friends shortly after the school year started. But they were guys. And guys, guys at that. Crude, funny, but loyal and non judgmental. Seriously it was a very diverse group of people. But no one judged or complained. Most of them had known each other much longer and didn't care what anyone thought of them or the members of the group. They just were.

So I'd let some of my snarky side out and be a little over the top and I fell right into place.

But again they were men. I didn't know what else to do. I still talked to a quite a few girls. Was good friend with a few. Now however you are throwing testosterone into the mix. I always felt at home with girls, but now my brain is trying to tell me I should be attracted to them too. Which didn't make any of this any easier. Also my beard is now starting to show. I hated it, I always have disliked shaving and to this day think I look better with a hairless face. Mix in the fact that my beard is very patchy, as in even when I tried to make a go of it, it has bald spots, thus looking terrible. *sigh*

Back to girls, the hard thing was trying to date them. Really it was always awkward and I felt like I was always trying to ask my sister out. Lets just say my dating career during HS did not go smoothly or even had much success. Again meeting and becoming friends was a no brainer. It happened quite easily and felt natural. Trying to ask one out since my second brain was telling me that I should...I failed, almost always.

I did manage, I tried to make a go of it for a while, stuck to the guy stuff. (Again, I would say I had one foot firmly on both sides of the fence. I do know, looking back, that I would have preferred being on the girls side, being the tomboy from time to time. Rather then what I was.) Did my best to curtail the crossdressing exploration, sometimes doing well, sometimes not.

Forcing my way to the end of my time there. It was a good time overall. I have a lot of fond memories of the people and times. But still, overall, I felt out of place and confused about myself. As I look back I was fooling everyone else enough to fool myself that I was happy. When really, I probably wasn't.

After getting out before I started college I had a chance to really go all out. I spent money on my own clothes, spending a couple of weeks home alone after work being a girl. And I went all out. Head to toe I bought it all. When I got home from work, girl time, until I had to go to work in the morning. Most of my friends probably wondered where I was since I didn't tell them anything and I didn't go out much. I, of course, didn't go out at all since I was terrified. I did have a great time, loving every minute I got to be a girl.

At the end of that time I looked at myself hard in the mirror. Told myself I couldn't be this way. That I could not keep the clothes, and that there was nothing I could do about being the girl I wanted to be. I was stuck being a guy. This was really the only purge I ever did. All of it went and I did my best to forget about it. Starting college, working full time, moving, all took up my time in massive amounts.

The girl faded into the background. I even felt she was gone all together.

Or so I thought.

But that is another story.

...to be continued. 

Wednesday, November 19, 2008

Tuesday, November 18, 2008

The Dress Code

Since someone else brought this up I thought I would post a simple experience I had.

Just this last Friday I a chance to go out with my hair stylist/makeup artist.

She has become a good friend and valuable source of info for me. I owe her a lot and she owed me a GNO.

So we went.

After she did my makeup. She had some new product she had been wanting to try and I am always looking for new ideas. So I didn't mind. That and she did a fantastic job as always.

Now since I have only recently been getting out I kept the outfit simple. Tight jeans tucked into black knee high wedge boots. With a 3/4 sleeved, tunic length scarlet turtleneck. (It has gotten a little cold here in the Midwest this time of year.)

Off we went to a local steakhouse, had a wonderful meal, no one treated me any different at all.

Since it was a spur of the moment kind of thing and had gotten late by then, she suggested a local lesbian bar. (Kind of a mix really but mostly it is lesbian in clientele).

After being there for a little bit and the crowd picking up. My partner in crime was talking about the styles there and she mentioned to me, that even though I was very casually dressed. I was still one of the better dressed people there.

This surprised me and I hadn't thought about it.

So I started looking around more at the other women to gauge what they were wearing.

What did I see?

She was right. Other then a few girls who were very stylish. Most were very plain. Now I know what you are going to say. Kelli you were at a lez bar. I know this, and I understand the more 'butch crowd' that was going to be there. But this isn't the comparison we were making. It was everyone else whom I out dressed.

Maybe I am used to a different more mainstream atmosphere. Maybe lesbians don't dress to impress they way straight girls to in order to attract men. I also understand not everyone wants to get all dolled up every night. It just seemed to me that very few tried to dress better then a hoodie over a tee shirt, jeans and sneakers. Along with the fact that it just about all the mainstream looking ones that did this.

Really?

Heck, cute flats or heels, a better top and most of these girls would have looked much better then they did. It was just weird seeing it.

It just seems such a waste to me. When it doesn't take much to at least look nice. Rather then just like you rolled out of bed and decided to go out.

At least it won't change how I dress. What I wear runs a wide gamut, but if I want to look cute I will. If I want to look stylish I will. If I want to look sexy I will. Sometimes I try to balance those.

It just seems to me that women quite often waste the very thing that makes them different. Their femininity, by dressing far too plain or sloppy.

Monday, November 10, 2008

Wherefore art thou?

No I haven't forgotten, but life, work, and everything else has gotten in the way of my posting the next chapter. That and I scrapped the first version since I didn't like the way it sounded and started over. Unfortunately I've not had much time to work on it.

I'll try to get it up and soon.