Monday, February 28, 2011

Sounds of Silence

It has been a little quite around here hasn't it?

I really should do a better job about that but in my defense I knew that was going to happen now and again this year.

I have a lot of things that will, are, or have happened.

It might take me a little time to catch up.

Those that are in my inner circle already know what is consuming my time.

Others might be able to guess on it.

However I won't talk about it until I feel I am ready.

Now is not that time.

Just know that I am here, all is well so far. Life is progressing and will only become more interesting.

See you all very soon.

Wednesday, February 16, 2011

Disclosure: Professor

Well now that I told you about the night I had with B, I can follow it up with the lunch I had the next day.

My friend Professor as I will call him is an interesting case.

[Side Note] I am calling him Professor because he is indeed a teacher for a living. Not only that if you ever met him it becomes obvious the man loves to teach it is just part of his DNA.

It is interesting because while he and I went to HS together, at the same time, graduating in the same class and knew of each other. We never actually hung out much.

It wasn't until after we graduated that we really started to talk. Yet even then he traveled so much for school and teaching at music camps in the summer that I only saw him for a few days out of the year. Usually around the holidays. It is during those times I taught him how to ski.

It didn't take much but we were easily good friends it is almost like when we got together no time had even pasted since the last one.

Though today he lives only a few miles away and works around the corner from me. So we occasionally car pool in together.

It really depends on him as his teaching requirements and extra school activities that can get in the way.

essentially this is another very important friend I needed to tell.

So I finally pinned him down and took him to lunch last Saturday to tell him what was going on.

I had a hunch he thought something was up but being the friend that he was he never pushed me to tell him.

We finished lunch, laughing at a number of things and the silliness of life. When I finally broke down and told him.

Now as I proceeded with my little privacy disclaimer and started to launch into my dissertation of what was going on with me something I never saw before happened.

He got an incredible serious expression on his face.

Really I had never see anything like it before from him.

I actually cracked a bit while telling him as I thought here was another friend who was going to walk out the door. That he couldn't handle it and it was visibly upsetting him.

Why did I think this?

He is normally one of the most jovial people you will ever met. Always animated, quick with a smile and a sarcastic comment. Yet steadfast in his belief of you as a friend. So seeing a facial expression I have never seen on him before caused me to panic.

I forced my way through the rest of what I had to tell him and asked if he had any questions.

"Yes actually, I have three."


"First, why did you wait so long to tell me this?"

I explained the issues with his work, my project last year and that I had other people who were a little more important on my list to tell. I also explained the bad reactions I had gotten so far and how nervous I was to tell anyone.

"I get that, I saw you hesitate after lunch and that leads me to my second question. Why would you think I would have a bad reaction to this? I would think you knew I was a better friend than that!"

I informed him that out of all my friends I would have guess a positive reaction from him. However something I was once told is still very true. That you never know what reaction you will get. Sometimes those that you tell whom you would think would have a positive reaction, won't. Along with those that you would thing have a really hard time with it will be positive. Adding in the bad reactions I have had thus far I just don't know for sure.

He explained to me that I should have known better and that to him it isn't about gender, sexuality or whatever it is about the heart, mind and who the person is that matters. That even though it will take some time for him to adjust once I become Kelli full time, that I am still very much the same person only maybe a little different packaging.

"Which brings me to my last question. When, exactly, can I start giving you shit about this?"

Said with an amazingly mischievous grin on his face and a knowing twinkle in is eye. We have a similar sense of humor(you recall I have used mine with great affect to last this long.) he isn't going to be mean or nasty, but I knew he would poke a little fun from time to time when he can.

It didn't take long either with the jabs he did take like blaming me for having to now have a talk with his stepson he never expected to have in the next year. Along with a few others it was still a great conversation.

He asked some excellent questions about how this all came about. Discussed the issue with me thoroughly. Complimented me for taking the time to work through this and do my homework to make sure this was right for me. He really had the best response I have ever gotten from telling something about my function that it was a huge relief.

We spent three hours discussing the issue and all sorts of things. At the end of it all he fully expected to remain my friend as my friendship is more important than anything else.

The most telling aspect of it all was when he drove me home and just before I got out of his car asked: "Are we still on for carpooling this week?"

It is a huge relief to finally have someone who was so positive.

Monday, February 14, 2011

And You Called Me Crazy

You might recall this little episode in my life.

I hope you do, cause I am not repeating it.

Well it worked out in ways I wasn't expecting.

All for the better though.

Let me explain.

B called me last week wanted to do something on Saturday, so of course I said yes.

Quite emphatically actually.

I mean it is B and I love him dearly and always, ALWAYS have fun with him.


...Saturday never happened.

Sounds sad doesn't it.

However it wasn't!

What happened was this, B had a little quarrel with his ex, wasn't doing well on Thursday night. Which was rather depressing and I felt like an awful friend as I had therapy that night.

Yet, late that night he sent me a text asking me to call him the following morning.

Which of course I did.

"Hey beautiful how are you?"

"I am good, but I am worried about you what is up?"

"Well I wanted to know what you are doing tonight?"

"Tonight? Nothing I am on my own for the night so I was just going to eat dinner and maybe watch some TV."

"Well would you like to come over for dinner tonight? I'll cook, you just need to show up."

"Really? I would love that. Let me make sure I have some things taken care of at home and I will let you know!!"

"Ok but don't take too long I need to go shopping for some things if you are going to come."

"I will let you know in just an hour or two."

"Great I hope you can. Oh and by the way, kept it simply you don't have to dress up, but don't do the boy thing either you look kind of silly like that."

"LOL!! Thanks B, I'll keep that in mind."

I bet you want to know what happened?

Well I made sure things were going to be alright at home, shifted some things around that I was going to do, and confirmed with B that I would indeed be at his place for dinner. We agreed on a time and were set.

Now here is the interesting thing. His statement to me was interesting, what was I going to do or more important, how was I going to appear.

Now knowing that he had seen me in my rawest form, I thought about it all day. After rushing home, I simply threw on some sneakers, jeans, a long sleeved white tee shirt, and one of my favorite girl hoodie over it. I brushed out my hair with a little mouse and a touch of the hair dryer. I only used a little powder over some concealer, eyeliner and lip gloss.

Out the door I went.

From the moment I walked into the door he told me I looked more like myself.

As soon as my coat came off though it got better.

"Now that is the girl I am used to seeing!!! I do very much prefer you looking like this! It is more you and you look like a normal girl."

Followed up with:

"I do very much prefer your hair too. Honestly, I really don't want to see the wig anymore."

He let me wrap up some things for work as we had an emergency project and they needed my help to set something up. Thankfully we had to wait to shutdown and change the system so by the time I got to B's they were ready for me.

After that he and I sat down and had chicken pot pie, semi-homemade as I like to call it, but it was good and with different filling items than what I am used to. He is a fairly good cook but doesn't know a lot of recipes. I once offered to teach him a few things and he very much wants to take me up on it.

I had fun, enjoyed the movie, the food, the company, and the conversation.

Yet that wasn't even the best part.

Really, it does get better.

Almost within a few minutes of finishing the movie I was in the bathroom when his phone rang. When I came out he was still on it and looks at me:

"R is out at and would like us to come up for a drink or too."

I froze.

"Oh, come on Kelli you are going to have to start getting out sooner or later with out looking perfect all the time."

"Lol it isn't that but I feel I don't quite look like me."

Never mind that I didn't feel dressed for a trip to the bar.

"You are fine, really no one will bother you, you've been there before."

I still balked, hesitated, and almost refused to go.

Yet this was why I showed B what he looked like, because he sat me down, and talked me through it gently and really was so damn supportive and sweet I couldn't say no.

So I didn't.


Off we went.

I still hesitated when I got there, but as we drove separately so I could head home (as that was a shorter drive for me than to head back to B's house first) he came over to my car and walked me into the bar.

We caught R at the door, those two hugged but I could see R's face over B's shoulder and it took him a moment but his eyes lit up when he realized who I was.

He let go of B, immediately came up to me have me a huge squeeze telling me how good it was to see me again. With a wonderful comment about how much he liked my hair.

I didn't stay long but it was great to see those two together again. They are cute, adorable, and funny on their own, but the two of them together had my sides hurting. There is just something magical about them together.

I got some great comments from R's significant other who I met at B's cookout back in July. He didn't recongise me at all and as soon as R explained it to him his first comment was something along the lines of how much more I was looking like a girl.

In addition to him R's Neighbor, whom I was introduced to, had to ask them if I was a girl or a boy. R explained I was a girl now but there was a point in my past when I wasn't. He said ok, and that I was looking really good now. That the only thing made him question me was the hairline, or more specifically the shape.


It is something that will have to be dealt with. Which is very quickly approaching the first step.

To put in better perspective I explained to B and R that when I first met them over a year and a half ago. I had just started removing facial hair, I had just started replacing my hormones, I had only been growing my hair out for about six or eight months(really it wasn't growing in really well until I started HRT it is night and day different today.) I wouldn't have been caught dead out with my own hair and almost no makeup.

They were both amazed about just how far I had come and said that more now than ever then I look pretty much like a girl even though there are a few small tells. They again related the story to me how they still never knew I wasn't actually a girl until I told them almost three months later. Including the fact that most people were only looking at me that night because their first impression was that I was actually a girl and they couldn't figure out why I was hanging out in a gay bar. It was then that noticed something that cause them to ask one of them.

B even surprised me with something C told him now that he is single.

"B we need to find someone like Kelli for you. She is sweet, sensitive, funny and smart. Only we need to find it in boy form."

I stared at him quizzically and he followed up with.

"Kelli she really likes you and even though she knows, she can't think of you as anything other than a girl. Which is why she knows you wouldn't work for me."

Funny that, huh?

However that is why I am glad I showed him my other side, I would never have done any of this if I had not done that. It open up a level of comfort with him I never would have had otherwise. Strange how that worked out.

At the end of the night he walked me back to my car and I gave him a huge hug for being so wonderful to me and caring so much. He simple told me how proud he was that I went out that night. He also told me how brave I am for going through all this so I could finally be happy. He then told me I was one of the best friends he had and that he loved me very much.

I am just thankful he hung onto me while I cried on his shoulder, not only releasing the energy from nerves and fears I had, but because he is such a wonderful friend.

And that is the reason I love him so much. He not only got me to work past some of my fears, he was right there to support me while I did so.

Today I am the luckiest girl in the world.

Friday, February 4, 2011

The Big Scary One

If you have been following along, and I hope you have been, I talked about a large portion of who I am recently.

Well, there was a reason I told you all that.

Yes apparently there are methods to my madness.

However the reason I explained all that is that I have a rather important meeting coming up.


Yep, I am tentatively meeting with them next week to discuss an issue.

I am not entirely sure how to approach this. I have thought about a detailed packet of information and a disclosure letter. Other ideas were to just walk in explain things and get feed back from HR about the issue.

Right now I am not looking to tell them when I am transitioning, just simply that I am planning it and that I need to know exactly what the company's response is and what their stance is going to be.

I do know there is some good verbiage in the employee handbook but I wouldn't say it is perfect.

At least there is some promise there.

I don't know recent discussions have me thinking all different types of things and I am running out of time to figure out what and how.

Though as of right now I am leaning toward just telling them the basics and leaving the door open to provide more should they ask for it.

However if there is one thing I am still absolutely terrified about it is my job.

I may not love it anymore. I may hate the political waffling that screws with my ability to provide services to the company as a whole. I might hate the constant finger pointing between departments. I may not like the two people I am being forced to train on the systems I work on (It is for backup reasons, my manager panics whenever I want time off and he just wants someone to have some familiarity with these systems. I guess it is the 'what happens if I get hit by a bus syndrome'. As for those too, well one forgets everything I teach him, even when I make him take the notes and write up the documentation, really? The other is just awful to work with, he thinks he is smarter than everything else even after the countless times we have proved him wrong. Sad really.) While it might not be my life. It allows me to live my life.

That is why it is such a huge concern for me. I cannot transition without it.

I know that I fully intend to leave at some point, but that isn't now. I need time to make this switch and maintain my employment.

So this particular disclosure has me almost petrified. I am second guessing everything and how to do it.

Yet I know it needs to get done.

Color me scared today.

Here is to keeping my fingers crossed and hoping for the best.

Tuesday, February 1, 2011

Call Me Crazy

This last weekend I did something rather interesting.

I am still not sure how I feel about the overall experience but before I tell you why, I will tell you what I did.

As you might know I spend a lot of time with my friend B. I love him, he is sweet and charming, funny and cute. We have a lot of fun together.

Now in the year and a half that I have known him he has always been curious how I portray a boy. As he has only ever met me.

Well since I have some fundamentally life altering changes coming soon and he of all the people I know will probably get to see various versions of me as I heal and settle into what life will become afterward.

So I decided to do something really out of character.

I was going to let someone who really only knew me to met him.


Crazy I know.

So I called him up and made the offer. He got all excited as he always wanted to know and immediately agreed to accompany me to lunch this last Saturday.

At which point I promptly starting FREAKING OUT for the next couple of days.

The logic behind all this was to give him some type of reference point from what I was coming from as I try to get to what I want.

Plus give him some type of comfort level as to what I might look like from time to time.

Even so I was FREAKING OUT about it.

I wanted to back out several times.

I nearly called him Saturday morning to say no.

But I didn't.

I got up ran a few early morning errands and shoveled snow.


Came home and showered.


Got dressed, dried and styled my hair.


Called him one last time to allow him a chance to back out.

He didn't take it.

Then I proceeded to drive to his place and picked him up.


Really I kid you not. At one point I wanted thought I was going to be physically ill. Right there in the car.

I don't know why it bothered me so much. I am still trying to work that out. Maybe I was just afraid he wouldn't see me as the same person or suddenly treat me different. His friendship has been very valuable to me and I really didn't want to lose it.

Much as when I tell people who know him that I am trans and I know they are going to have a hard time with it. Along with only probably being worse once they meet me.

I bet you are dying to know what happened now?

Well besides the fact that I FREAKED OUT in his driveway.

Have I mentioned I freaked out a bit?

I steadied my nerves and to the front door I went.

The response?

He laughed a bit at me but not in a mocking manner. He just told me to relax and chucked a bit more as he then promptly told me:

"Kelli you are fine. I am surprised by the length of your hair I wasn't expecting it to be so long. Oh and by the way, you totally look like a girl pretending to be a guy."

He had a more colorful comment based on how I was dressed that got me to laugh and relax. He was surprised how nervous I was.

Well he was simply amazing. He could see my stress levels almost immediately. He even gave me a big hug that put me at easy and promptly spent the next several hours with me.

I took him to one of my favorite restaurants that has one of the best burgers you will ever have. He loved it. We talked about all types of things. Me, Him, Life in general. Laughed and checked out guys. He was so funny as he had a better view of the door coming in. Thus he kept teasing me about them as they came in.

"Oh you need to see this one!"

Fully knowing I wasn't going to crane my head around to see them.

One mustn't be obvious. ;)

It was funny to because he wasn't expecting me to be dress quite the way I was. I told him that it was my intention to show him what I did on a daily basis and how I tried to present the world at large with him.

He laughed again and told me I could dress as a little more like me next time as he found it rather comical. I simply explained to him that I was attempting to give him the full package. He stated it wasn't working.

The best part of the whole thing was he never once got my Pronouns right.

How could that be a good thing you ask?

Simple. He called me Kelli and used her or she the entire time. To him I guess I am the same person just looking a bit different and maybe a little silly.

Overall I found the experience a little odd and surreal. However I can say with his reaction and support it went pretty well and I am glad he is getting some idea of what I have been through and working towards. The really interesting part what as soon as he put me at ease and treated me like he always does I immediately relax and couldn't maintain the persona around him. I just fell into being me.

I will say that the day I don't have two halves of me are fast coming to a close and I for one am looking forward to it.

It still was pretty crazy to do something like this.