Tuesday, February 1, 2011

Call Me Crazy

This last weekend I did something rather interesting.

I am still not sure how I feel about the overall experience but before I tell you why, I will tell you what I did.

As you might know I spend a lot of time with my friend B. I love him, he is sweet and charming, funny and cute. We have a lot of fun together.

Now in the year and a half that I have known him he has always been curious how I portray a boy. As he has only ever met me.

Well since I have some fundamentally life altering changes coming soon and he of all the people I know will probably get to see various versions of me as I heal and settle into what life will become afterward.

So I decided to do something really out of character.

I was going to let someone who really only knew me to met him.


Crazy I know.

So I called him up and made the offer. He got all excited as he always wanted to know and immediately agreed to accompany me to lunch this last Saturday.

At which point I promptly starting FREAKING OUT for the next couple of days.

The logic behind all this was to give him some type of reference point from what I was coming from as I try to get to what I want.

Plus give him some type of comfort level as to what I might look like from time to time.

Even so I was FREAKING OUT about it.

I wanted to back out several times.

I nearly called him Saturday morning to say no.

But I didn't.

I got up ran a few early morning errands and shoveled snow.


Came home and showered.


Got dressed, dried and styled my hair.


Called him one last time to allow him a chance to back out.

He didn't take it.

Then I proceeded to drive to his place and picked him up.


Really I kid you not. At one point I wanted thought I was going to be physically ill. Right there in the car.

I don't know why it bothered me so much. I am still trying to work that out. Maybe I was just afraid he wouldn't see me as the same person or suddenly treat me different. His friendship has been very valuable to me and I really didn't want to lose it.

Much as when I tell people who know him that I am trans and I know they are going to have a hard time with it. Along with only probably being worse once they meet me.

I bet you are dying to know what happened now?

Well besides the fact that I FREAKED OUT in his driveway.

Have I mentioned I freaked out a bit?

I steadied my nerves and to the front door I went.

The response?

He laughed a bit at me but not in a mocking manner. He just told me to relax and chucked a bit more as he then promptly told me:

"Kelli you are fine. I am surprised by the length of your hair I wasn't expecting it to be so long. Oh and by the way, you totally look like a girl pretending to be a guy."

He had a more colorful comment based on how I was dressed that got me to laugh and relax. He was surprised how nervous I was.

Well he was simply amazing. He could see my stress levels almost immediately. He even gave me a big hug that put me at easy and promptly spent the next several hours with me.

I took him to one of my favorite restaurants that has one of the best burgers you will ever have. He loved it. We talked about all types of things. Me, Him, Life in general. Laughed and checked out guys. He was so funny as he had a better view of the door coming in. Thus he kept teasing me about them as they came in.

"Oh you need to see this one!"

Fully knowing I wasn't going to crane my head around to see them.

One mustn't be obvious. ;)

It was funny to because he wasn't expecting me to be dress quite the way I was. I told him that it was my intention to show him what I did on a daily basis and how I tried to present the world at large with him.

He laughed again and told me I could dress as a little more like me next time as he found it rather comical. I simply explained to him that I was attempting to give him the full package. He stated it wasn't working.

The best part of the whole thing was he never once got my Pronouns right.

How could that be a good thing you ask?

Simple. He called me Kelli and used her or she the entire time. To him I guess I am the same person just looking a bit different and maybe a little silly.

Overall I found the experience a little odd and surreal. However I can say with his reaction and support it went pretty well and I am glad he is getting some idea of what I have been through and working towards. The really interesting part what as soon as he put me at ease and treated me like he always does I immediately relax and couldn't maintain the persona around him. I just fell into being me.

I will say that the day I don't have two halves of me are fast coming to a close and I for one am looking forward to it.

It still was pretty crazy to do something like this.


Jessica Lyn said...

Crazy indeed girl!.. that could have backfired big time.. but I'm so glad it didn't. He sounds like a TRUE FRIEND and one that you will have for the rest of you life. We could all use more of them.

I feel so completely jealous of you right now.. I really need to start transitioning.. it's a big step but one that needs to happen; but for some reason I can't seem begin. I'm a big nervous and scared ball of tears all the time but can't stand living in boy mode/standby anymore. I don't know why I'm saying this right now.. guess your post brought it up.. I just need to start seeing a therapist again.

Maybe I should start a person blog again.

Kelli Bennett said...

LOL I LOVE B, he has been such a wonderful friend. I don't know what I would do without him. If I ever told you the story of how I actually met him you would laugh. But it is my private little story along with mildly embarrassing. I don't kiss and tell. ;)

I never would have guessed he of all people would become such a good friend. I wouldn't have it any other way.