Tuesday, November 30, 2010

Clean Up in Aisle Five!

The last two weeks couldn't have felt more turbulent if I tried. 

Starting with telling my friend J about me. 


Getting some great news about surgical financing. 


Scheduling exactly that for the very early part of next year. 

Super Yay!

Learning what I am going to have to do in perpetration for said event. 


Getting a surprise call from my brother the night before thanksgiving. He gets big kudo's for talking to me.


Having him ask me some rather poorly worded questions. Along with the wrong ideas of why I am doing this.


Dealing with my parents and an Aunt who doesn't know on Thanksgiving day. 


My inlaws the following. 

Double Ugh!

Having a wonderful and one of the best nights of my life on Saturday with one of my favorite peeps in B. 


Even though we did attend a rather straight xmas party that he didn't know was going to be so John Q. Straight. We laughed about it in the end.


Plenty of bar hoping, dancing and fun later. 


B saying one of the sweetest things he has ever told me, and it doesn't even sound nice when you hear it but it meant the world to me.


Leading into one of the biggest collapses I ever had on Sunday.


This one was bad.

Really bad.

It started early in the morning, I rebounded somewhat and attempted some retail therapy to perk myself up.

Only to end up crying in the mall because I was there as him.

I was a total mess. 

Though I did learn about the amazing restorative powers of a hot bath and bubbles. Immediately followed up with some ice cream. I was able to end the night feeling ok.

At the least I didn't feel anywhere nearly as bad as I did.

I would not say I feel wonderful though.

It also doesn't help that my Mom has been rather pushy lately as to how, when and why I am doing some things. Really, this is my transition and I knew my mother was quite capable of this. I just don't need someone telling me what to do right now. 

Hopefully I can find some times to de-stress some more this week and try and deal with some of these feelings. 

Transitioning is currently living up to the billing as not being easy.

Though I never expected it to be.

It would be nice however if I could get things to calm down, even just a little bit.

Because I am getting tired of dealing with one mess after another. 

Monday, November 29, 2010

Time Keeps on Ticking

Sadly I am reminded of things today I would rather not think about.

Most people celebrate on a day such as this, but it has never been that important to me.

Perhaps because it feels like just another reminder of time lost.

I do hope that this time next year I can finally, maybe, enjoy myself for once.

Thursday, November 25, 2010

Tuesday, November 23, 2010

Things I Have Learned

Even those that try or want to be supportive aren't always.

That you cannot compare yourself to teenage girls, it just is a point in your life that has past, this is true for any woman.

Fear and doubt might never truly go away.

No matter how sure you are of something the moment you are looking at it can be shocking.

I know what comfort eating is now. Ice Cream has become both my best friend and nemeses. 

The world you know will change. How, is impossible to know, but it will indeed happen.

You can never ever know what someones reaction will be to what you tell them. 

You also cannot un-tell them once you have. 

Being yourself in incredibly important. 

Reaching that goal is the hard part. This is simply the hardest thing I have ever done in my entire life.

Crying sucks, but sometimes is necessary.

Except when you feel the need to do so while at work. 

Lost time is lost time. You are never going to get it back so the best is not to dwell on it. 

Doing that is harder than it sounds.

I understand why sales mean so much more these days.

Patience is a virtue. When you have to wait for things to happen, grow out or change it will not happen overnight.

At some point you will lose control of things, people who you have told will spread it without your consent eventually. 

As much effort you put into making the best decision inevitably you will always second guess it after it is made.

Chocolate tastes soooooo much better! Especially Dark.

Friends who get what you are going through and are there to listen are the most valuable friends in the world. 

Friends who see you for who you are and like you for that person come in a very close second. 

Finally that I am a girl, more than I ever realized before and I love who I am.

Friday, November 19, 2010


Remembering those that are lost.

While I still find it a bit depressing and even a touch morbid. I still feel that the overall importance of today is remembering that we are still being persecuted and disrespected by society at large.

As much as I would rather be celebrating life I feel the point of today is very, very valid and more important than the slight discomfort I feel about it.

So please remember, however sad it might be, those that have had their life taken from them simply for being themselves.

I will be attending a local candlelight vigil myself tonight.

Even with the pall cast by these events today, I hope it leads us to a brighter future.

Thursday, November 18, 2010

Turning the World Upside Down


It isn't for the weak willed.

Quite simply it has been the hardest thing I have ever done and I know it is only going to get harder.

Tuesday was...difficult

Not because I got a bad reaction, far from it.

I thought my parents were hard to tell.

This one was worse.

I did tell her. We met for dinner, ate (knowing what is about to come I always make sure we eat FIRST, otherwise it might not happen.), talked. Again it felt like old times.

Though she knew I was there to tell her something rather profound and life altering.

She really didn't have any idea what was coming.

In the seventeen years I have known her I have rarely, if ever, seen her completely speechless.

And I do mean speechless.

Yet that is what she was for several minutes after I told her.

I really did see her groping for what to say.

Knowing how quick her mouth is it was quite a site.

Seeing that told me just how much I had shocked her.

Now even though she was shocked and reeling by what I told her. She eventually pulled it together.

She asked a lot of great questions. Seems somewhat familiar with what I was going to put myself through. Tried to envision me as the other gender.

And cried.

She told me that she always felt our relationship was just what I thought it was. Big sister and little brother.

So not only did my news shock her, I think it hurt more then I would have suspected it would.

Still we ended up staying at the restaurant for almost four hours talking about all types of things.

In the end I can't say it was negative, nor can I say it was positive either.

We parted with her telling me she wasn't one to tell anyone what they needed to do to be happy. Yet she didn't know how she was going to feel when someone else was standing in front of her.

Though how she stated it gave me a bit of hope that she was willing to try eventually. When is another story and obviously what happens after that could be anything.

With that we started making our way home while saying one final goodbye once outside.

We were both crying at this point.

I do not have any clue as to how this is going to end up. I have been crying over the possible lost of this relationship more than any other this week.

This one hurts...a lot.

Sadly I knew any of this was possible once I start disclosing to people.

There is nothing that can be done about it. These relationships might be lost, possibly forever, all I can do is hang onto the fact that I know I am doing the right thing for myself.

Then hope that maybe some of them will come around once they meet the real me.

Which is quite like the old me, only a little different.

Only time will tell, but right now my perception of the world is quite askew.

Tuesday, November 16, 2010

Fifty Words or Less

That idea is virtually impossible considering the last week of my life.

Not that anything bad has happened just that life has been crazy busy and interesting.

I'll start with last Wednesday when I had dinner with Mom again.

This was the first one we have been able to have since I told my brother. It is also right after my parents went up to his place and moved him from his old residence to his new.

Which meant there was a lot to talk about. The first thing my mom went over were some very pointed questions about how I came about to determining all this.

The interesting part was she was trying to figure out who determined I should start spending time out as a woman. It took a few questions to realize this is what she was asking. I told her that even though I was going out as me more now that I have seen a therapist. I was already going out before then.

I could see the light bulb go on over her head.

I think my brother and father had done a good job of planting the seed of doubt in her head, even though I could tell she wasn't trying to listen to it, it was there.

After that is was a very productive talk about a lot of things and feelings. I can't go into detail about it all right now. I certainly cannot complain about what we discussed, once we got past the opening issue.

I know for a fact people are having a hard time envisioning what I look like as me. Thus I am crazy for thinking this is even remotely possible.

Which brings me to the flip side of this.

I called my good friend B last week, as I now had some free time to get out. I learned that he was semi-permanently transferred to a city a few hours north of here. But that he was spending his time at home on the weekends.

He also informed me that he was now single again.

With that he was completely on board with hanging out with me on the weekend. Only he didn't know if he when he was coming in. So he told me he would call me later in the week.

I didn't get the call. Instead I got a text Friday afternoon asking if I could go out Friday night. With some thought and some scheduling juggling I said yes.

I was even the designated driver for the evening see how I can't really indulge in any liquid fueled festivities anymore.

That certainly doesn't stop me from going out.

After a mad dash at home I managed to get ready and out the door at a reasonable hour to pick everyone up.

Then proceed to have some of the most fun I have had in a long time. I simply adore hanging out with B.

He was a peach when at the first bar a rather creepy guy wouldn't leave me alone so B promptly came to my rescue by pretending that he and I were an item. With that creepy guy left me alone.

We just had fun talking and checking out boys. Sadly he had a better chance with them than I did but still a cute guy is a cute guy.

After we switched bars to a more night club styled one for some time on the dance floor. He was hanging out with me after we had stepped off for a break, when he noticed a cute guy behind me.

"So why don't you go over and talk to him?"

"Well you are here."

"What has that got to do with anything?"

"Well I don't want to leave you alone by yourself."

"B, if you are going to use me as an excuse I am going to be very upset with you! Really I am a big girl I can handle myself. Besides you have been a wonderful friend all night, go, talk, see what happens. Remember I am still your ride home so it is not like you can ditch me here!!!"

He laughed and said I had a good point. So not only did he go over and talk to the cute guy he also ending up getting a number.

B did tell me the guy was confused at first since B was there with a really attractive blonde. B assured him I as just a friend he hung out with nothing more.

The only downside to the whole evening was the awful fog that set in as we were leaving taking my forty-five minute drive to get everyone and myself home to an hour and forty-five minutes. It was very late or should I say early by the time I got home.

Which brings me to Saturday as B called me in the morning to see if I wanted to come over for dinner.

I did, though I warned him I was going out with a different group of friends after that he was fine with it. As I ended up talking and spending time with him and his roommate for almost four hours.

I really amazed him when I used his room to change my outfit by removing the wrap I had on reveling the striped sequin top. Threw a cropped jacket on and exchanged my flats for heels. Topping it all of with some accessories to jazz it up.

"You do all this by yourself right?"

"Yes, why?"

"I still can't figure out how you can possibly live as a guy."


I promptly mentioned it to him that I play an excellent boy due to the fact that those I have mentioned already, can't figure out how I could be the opposite gender.

With that I said my goodbyes and heading out to meet some other friends for the evening which was fun as I was had not seen some of them in over three or four months.

Sadly my weekend was perfect as the lack of sleep and crazy schedule generated a migraine Sunday night.

Not fun.

I wouldn't do anything different if I had to do it all over again. Well maybe no fog as that caused me to be up way to late on Friday night.

The other good news is some of the financing that I had been pursing to cover some of my transition expenses finally got approved. It wasn't as much as I was hoping for but it was enough to allow things to start happening.


Then I realized this morning I have dinner with my friend J tonight in which I need to disclose to her what is going on with me.


Yep, all this is going to make for an interesting therapy session this week and I have an event to attend this Friday as me.

I feel like life as been moving at the speed of light since my project finished with no slowing down in sight.

So much for a return to normalcy.

Tuesday, November 9, 2010

Scheduling Snafus

You might recall I the first part of this story were I was intending to disclose my function to a very good friend of mine.

Yet in all the chaos I held back and decided to not to tell her then for various reason.

Mostly because it didn't feel like the right time to do so, plus I felt she deserved more time for something like this.

Well after many an email exchange, we are finally meeting next Tuesday for dinner. Where I do, in fact, intend to tell her.

[In fairness to her we were both really busy and she did have some family issues do deal with. They are completely understandable in this case.]

You never know what is going to happen with these but they are going to find out either way and I feel it is important to tell them myself.

This one will be tough to take if I lose her friendship over it.

All I can do is hope for the best.

Monday, November 8, 2010

Returning to the Closet

This past weekend I went back into the closet.


I am not kidding.

I had come to the conclusion that I could not continue forward with the way things were.

Thus into the closet I went.

And cleared out some of his stuff.

It simple was time for some of 'him' to go.

I hope you didn't think I wasn't transitioning any longer.

Far from it actually.

But I really was in a closet.

Picture this, most of my clothes were in a small closet space in the basement. I also had a bunch of other things in a couple of small suit cases folded as neatly as I could keep it. Inevitably though it would just get all messy again.

Factor in all the extra hours I have been working I haven't had a lot of time to plan an outfit like I normally do. So this last Thursday I was in a mad scramble trying to find things for my therapy appointment.

It was during this I realized I was doing more and more as me (Though work was impeding on that quite a bit lately, but now that I have that over with I will have a lot more free time and I intend to use it.) and I was finding living this way rather inconvient.

Living out of a suitcase just wasn't acceptable. In addition I was up in 'his' closet or at least the closet that out of four that had been allocated to me. When I realized I didn't wear 70% of the things that were in there anymore. Really a lot of things were left over from my fat days and were extra large or double which I now absolutely swim in.

With that into the closet I went.

I removed everything.

Re-hung a clothes bar.

Added in a small set of plastic drawers.

A small four shelf shoe rack.

Sorted through all of his clothes and unloaded three bags worth of stuff I am not going to wear ever again.

[This was a little sad I watch some items I was once very fond of go. In some cases I had shirts that were many years old and still looked wearable today.]

I hung, sorted and organized stuff for me in one half. Even placing some small hooks up for belts and accessories.

There is still work to be done. I still have to finish going through the stuff downstairs and packing away summer items and pulling out winter.

In the end it was very worth it. I could look into the closet space and see items I wanted. Find them quickly not to mention they were now properly hung.

Which not only felt like I did something for me, it also made me more prepared should someone call on a Friday night and ask me if I want to go out. I would be able to throw something together in a matter of minutes for just about any occasion.

I found it all rather therapeutic since work and life had pressed down on me rather hard lately.

Maybe it was because I walked into it this morning to get something for work and looked at the other side and smiled.

Or maybe it was the fact that when I was all done I came back out of the closet.

Which is much better than staying in there.

Thursday, November 4, 2010

Closer to Free

I know I haven't been posting much lately or at least maybe not as voraciously as I was earlier this year.

I had to put a lot of effort in getting out the posts I did last month.

Not for lack of want mind you. It was just a shortfall of available free time to write.

I have had and still have things I want to post about.

The good news is that life should be returning to normal rather soon.

Ok, after this weekend to be more accurate.

My project that I have worked so hard to accomplish for a number of reasons, is finally drawing to a close.


I sense some normalcy returning to my life.

Which is very welcome.

I haven't really been out as me since SCC back in September.

Which starts to grate on a person. Forcing yourself to be something you are not without a break from it really messes with your psyche.

I am just glad I am see the end of the road for this part of my life.

I need the break I am starting to forget what it is like to have a five day work week.

All I know is that I am getting out next weekend and letting my hair down.

I need a night of fun and frivolity.

The only hard part is deciding what to wear.


Such is the life of a girl!!

I wouldn't trade it for the world.

Tuesday, November 2, 2010

Political Statement

I am not going to tell you for who or what. Just that you please get out and vote!

Monday, November 1, 2010

Where Has the Time Gone

I was cleaning up some things in my blog and checking on some settings when I noticed something.

Well, two somethings really.

I first noticed I now have more then 200 posts.


On top of that was the fact that my blog is over two years old. My first ever post August 26th, 2008. Even though that first post was just a simple post as I was getting used to the blogging system I was using.

I boggles my mind to know that I have been posting that much and for that long.

I know early on I struggled to find my voice. I felt as if I had to create something people would read.

I am glad I got away from that.

Really it just came down to a place for me to vent out feelings and thoughts. Talk about life and the experiences that come with it.

When I have something to say I just let my creativity loose and hopefully make it entertaining.

I never force a post. That was a hard lesson to learn.

The last thing I noticed is that I had my voice and things to talk about the same time I realized I was going to transition.

The interesting thing about blogs is they allow you to see your progress and that it was almost a full year before I just seemed to burst with things to talk about.

Since then I haven't really shut up either.

This brings me to the last point.


At least those of you reading this. I am astounded to this day that I have people following along and even commenting on things that I talk about. I know I have mentioned it before but I really only started this blog for me to give me a medium to work things out. Almost a type of therapy, if you will.

I never thought anyone would be interested in reading it.

Which in turn has connected me to some amazing people on such a deeper and more personal level. Simply because they read this blog.

Who knew, huh?

Still I thank each and everyone of you even if you don't actually like what I have to say.

I have no idea how my journey will play out or even if I will post indefinitely. I do know for now there a lot to say. So for the time being I will continue.

Yet, even though all this time has past there is still plenty left in the future.

But wow I never envisioned this all those days and posts ago.

Thank you.

Still it is amazing how time flys by.