Thursday, November 18, 2010

Turning the World Upside Down


It isn't for the weak willed.

Quite simply it has been the hardest thing I have ever done and I know it is only going to get harder.

Tuesday was...difficult

Not because I got a bad reaction, far from it.

I thought my parents were hard to tell.

This one was worse.

I did tell her. We met for dinner, ate (knowing what is about to come I always make sure we eat FIRST, otherwise it might not happen.), talked. Again it felt like old times.

Though she knew I was there to tell her something rather profound and life altering.

She really didn't have any idea what was coming.

In the seventeen years I have known her I have rarely, if ever, seen her completely speechless.

And I do mean speechless.

Yet that is what she was for several minutes after I told her.

I really did see her groping for what to say.

Knowing how quick her mouth is it was quite a site.

Seeing that told me just how much I had shocked her.

Now even though she was shocked and reeling by what I told her. She eventually pulled it together.

She asked a lot of great questions. Seems somewhat familiar with what I was going to put myself through. Tried to envision me as the other gender.

And cried.

She told me that she always felt our relationship was just what I thought it was. Big sister and little brother.

So not only did my news shock her, I think it hurt more then I would have suspected it would.

Still we ended up staying at the restaurant for almost four hours talking about all types of things.

In the end I can't say it was negative, nor can I say it was positive either.

We parted with her telling me she wasn't one to tell anyone what they needed to do to be happy. Yet she didn't know how she was going to feel when someone else was standing in front of her.

Though how she stated it gave me a bit of hope that she was willing to try eventually. When is another story and obviously what happens after that could be anything.

With that we started making our way home while saying one final goodbye once outside.

We were both crying at this point.

I do not have any clue as to how this is going to end up. I have been crying over the possible lost of this relationship more than any other this week.

This one hurts...a lot.

Sadly I knew any of this was possible once I start disclosing to people.

There is nothing that can be done about it. These relationships might be lost, possibly forever, all I can do is hang onto the fact that I know I am doing the right thing for myself.

Then hope that maybe some of them will come around once they meet the real me.

Which is quite like the old me, only a little different.

Only time will tell, but right now my perception of the world is quite askew.


Jessica Lyn said...

Well I'm sorry it didn't go as well as you wanted, but at least it wasn't bad. Maybe she will be fine with it after she gets to know the real you.. after all you are and still will be the same person, but as you said, just a bit different. Who knows, maybe she'll like you more since you'll have things in common, like shopping and boys and whatnot.