Saturday, December 25, 2010

Friday, December 24, 2010

Winter Dreams


Just wishing everyone the best for the holidays and may all your Christmas wishes come true!

Monday, December 20, 2010

When the World Changes

This last Saturday I had the chance to go out.

Which I took full advantage of. 

The only issue I ran into was the fact I could not get a hold of any of my friends. 

So I did what I normally do in this situation I headed out to the usual haunt and hoped for the best. 

Now before I continue on with the rest of my story I should preface all this with some background information. 

My usual locale of entertainment was never my favorite place. 

Back when I didn't have a clue as to where to go when out I met my friend J in Atlanta. (This is my other friend J not the one I recently disclosed to.) She mentioned this gay bar near downtown that was trans friendly on Saturday nights and that she is usually there.

So being scared and uncertain back then I went.

From the moment I walked in there I knew I didn't really fit in with that scene. However it was all I had and it most definitely served its purpose. I gain a ton of confidence in just being able to step out of the house. It is also where I met B. So it wasn't all bad. It might have never been my favorite place but the experience and growth it allowed me has been invaluable.

Yet this last Saturday as I walked in I almost immediately felt that I didn't want to be there. Maybe it is because of all the time I have been spending with B and others recently doing different things. Going to other places and just opening my world up to more experiences. 

It certainly doesn't hurt that I am no longer uncomfortable being out and about. 

So after one drink, bumping into someone from my old support group I realized there was nothing there for me. 

My friends J and S weren't even there. 

So not knowing what else to do I tried to reach B one more time...

...and I got a reply!

A few text later and we established that his cousin C was in town for her birthday weekend and that they were going out to a industrial/goth club closer to the downtown area. He also asked if I wanted to come.

Well I didn't want to feel like I was tagging along so I asked if it was ok with everyone else. 

To which he sent the follow up text of: 'Hold on'

Two minutes later my phone was ringing. 

"Hello?"

"Hey Ms. Kelli, C says to get your cute butt over here. She yelled at me for even asking if you could come. She said 'OMG!! Totally invite her she is so cool!!!' So are you coming?"

"Wow, yes I am so there!" 

"By the way, this is going to be a different kind of club. Not that I doubt you but what are you wearing?"

"Well I have a purple sweater dress and knee high boots."

"OMG you are in a dress? I have never seen you in one, that HAS to be hot!!! Anyways that should do fine."

"LOL ok are you going to give me directions?"

With that he proceed to explain how to get to them, it wasn't bad as they were only 15 minutes away.

Thus I quickly finished my one drink and off I went. 

Twenty minutes later I was walking into a hotel (the club is in a back basement and they rented a room upstairs to crash in afterward along with change in) to met up with the girls as B and the DJ (This is what I'll call C's BF as initials are just not cutting it much anymore.) had run out to get a quick bite while I was in route. Thus I entered the room and again met the wonderful C and her BFF Kitten(I'll dub her that since she wore this killer leopard print dress for the night). 

They chatted on and off with me as they finished getting ready. C super sweet as always and so wanting to hear what I had been up too. Kitten was being fussy getting ready but she did chat too.

Shortly after I got there B and DJ showed up and we all sat around chatting while the girls finished getting ready. 

It wasn't too long and down the elevator we went, as we had to leave the hotel walk around out back to get into the club.

We walked in paid cover and I checked my coat as I had on a below the knee black trench as the dress was short and it is darn cold out this time of year. When I turned around all four of them were staring at me. 

I swear they almost all said wow simultaneously. 

B came up took my arm and said; "Come on we'll get a drink and I will show you around. By the way, you look absolutely smoking hot!!"

I laughed at him and strolled into the club proper...

...and proceeded to have one of the best times in my entire life!

The club as an amazing mix of just about everything goth, fetish, gay, lesbian, bi, cos play, fetish, and a lot of just John Q. Public. In fact that was probably more than half the crowd.

The people watching was just off the charts, and while it was an industrial club it had a really relaxed mellow vibe to it. I also liked the fact that it was so big that the dance floor has a separate sound track from the bar area. 

Although the music was a little heavier in general then what I would listen to I am a big fan of electronic music and most definitely heard some cool new stuff. 

I had some amazing conversations with DJ, Kitten and C. I even challenged DJ on his being freaked out by Hello Kitty (a girl at the bar was wearing a back pack). I told him it is cute and who doesn't like kittens to which he replied 'me' but that it was how strangely it was drawn and the whole Japanese anime thing was just weird. I laughed at him and he wanted to know why? I told him I found it funny and ironic that he would be freaked out by that and not the two people clad entirely head to so in latex not twenty feet from us. 

He smirked at me and didn't have an answer. I had him, he knew it and admitted that it was a rather funny observation. 

Kitten even sat down next to me at one point and said told me she wanted to say something to me. 

"Kelli they told me about you before you came up just so I would know, but now having met you, talked to you and watched you here tonight. I just want to tell you that you are one amazing woman. You have great style but you carry yourself so well, you are so beautiful and sexy and OMG you are so naturally a girl. I am simply amazed by you. I think it is great and you are going to do just fine."

B was listening in and followed that up with "See I tell you this all the time."

I am starting to realize they are probably right. Since this was a mostly straight crowd I ended up turning down six attempts to get my phone number or have them give me theirs. Even more offers for drinks. Two flat out attempts to take me home and yet I still didn't mind it at all. I had such a good time, met some great people, that I stayed out until 3am before heading home.  

I got hugs all around from everyone as I was leaving before they were and when C asked me if I had a good time then thanked me for coming. I chided her telling her that it was me that needed to thank her for inviting me. She laughed and said ok, but would I be willing to come again? I responded that I would very much love to come again. She then informed me that I would so be told ahead of time before their next outing. 

I was looking forward to it before I even walked out the door. 

On my way home I realized just how much my life had changed that night. Never did I feel uncomfortable or worried. I simply was not worried about a thing. It amazes me how right my life feels. Now that the fear and trepidation are gone I just go and do. I also noticed that the old world I had been in had suddenly just become much less important to me. 

It served its purpose but that purpose is no longer there. 

Quite suddenly I have outgrown it and I am so much better for having done so.

Amazing how one night can change your world. 

I know mine has. 

Thursday, December 16, 2010

Near Miss

So last week an engineer who recently left the company came back for a visit.

He is missed. Not only was he very smart and well respected, he was fun to have around and well liked.

Since he had that day off we all decided to go to lunch.

Now lately I haven't being going out with the boys for lunch anymore. I have gotten reclusive for a reason.

So here we are sitting at a long table. I am at one end and the waitress is moving around the table taking orders.

She finishes with the coworker next to me, turns to me and says.

"And what can I get you miss?"

O_O

I quickly glance around the table to see if anyone was paying attention.

As they were mostly busy chatting rather loudly about things. (They are men what do you expect?)

No one seemed to notice. I am also probably fortunate that she was standing next to me saying it in my ear rather then shouting it across the table.

I'll never know for sure if it was heard or not but I did not see any indication that it was.

Mostly because I know with this group there are more than a few of them that would have a field day if they ever heard me addressed like that.

That might change later, but it would be the subject of many a joke for now.

Not to mention around here they like to poke fun at something for an extended period of time.

It just isn't something I am ready to deal with right now.

However it appears my days of lunch trips with the group have quickly come to an end.

Monday, December 13, 2010

Christmas Music by Kelli

Finally.

I had to fuss with the widget a bit as Grooveshark made some recent changes to their site which caused a few headaches.

Fear not, as today I present you with something different.

My list of favorite Christmas songs.

Yes they are in fact a little different. I happen to like alternative takes on old classics.

Winter WonderLand - Liz Phair (Brilliant cover!)
God Rest Ye Merry Gentleman - Barenaked Ladies w/ Sarah McLaughlin (Just really fun.)
Sleigh Ride - KT Tunstall (Who doesn't like KT? She is so underrated.)
Let it Snow - Luscious Jackson (This is how this song should be done!)
Dance of the Sugar Plus Fairies[Red Baron Remix] (Love this.)
12 Days of Christmas - Straight No Chaser (SEE THEM LIVE!!! So talented and how they do this is beyond me! Listen ever so carefully.)
Christmas Time is Here - Ivy (I simply cannot get enough of this song! Purely amazing!)

Uniquely new songs.

Mistletoe - Colbie Caillat  (Heard this for the first time last year. Loooove!)
Wizards in Winter - Trans Siberian Orchestra (I've seen them in concert amazing show!)
Christmas All Over Again - Tom Petty & The Heartbreakers (What can I say? Tom Petty can sing just about anything and make it cool.)
Father Christmas - Save Ferris (Always been a fan and though it is very different I just like it. Call me a wee bit rebellious!!)
All My Bells Are Ringing - Lenka (New this year, so cute!!)
Christmas Wrappings - The Waitresses (The Radio sooooo does not play this enough!)
Maybe Next Year - Meiko (Can you make Christmas sound any more naughty?!)

Along with others that just remind me of the lost wonder of youth.

Snoopy's Christmas is one of my absolute favorite songs harking back to my childhood. Christmas in not complete for me until I hear it on the radio.

However it recently was replaced as my favorite Christmas song by Trans Siberian Orchestra's Christmas Canon. They did this version with a children's choir I have never been able to find the name of. As opposed to the rock version they do. This version is just so beautiful I can listen to it any time of the year.

So with that I give you the playlist, Please Enjoy and Merry Christmas!!!

P.S. It'll be in the side bar too.

Wednesday, December 8, 2010

Consequences

Recently one of the people I have disclosed to mentioned the following to someone connected to me.

That I wasn't or haven't considered all the consequences of my transition.

Really?

I haven't considered the lost of family or friendships? Maybe face unemployment because I am trans, discrimination or hatred by those that might figure out I wasn't born a woman naturally? All the pain and hurt I have already endured and is still possibly yet to come?

Those are simply the most common ones too. 

I am going to love informing my therapist of this comment. She has heard me discuss my fears ad nauseam. I am fully aware that I might have to reset my entire life to finally have the freedom to be myself. I covered a lot of them myself. She filled in a few I hadn't considered, and between the two of us probably came up with some new ones. 

I spent two years working through that until I felt I was ready to face it. Even while trying to find a way or reason not to transition. Yet I kept coming back to the fact that if I didn't I simply would breakdown from the pressure to be someone else, that I am not. 

Thus this statement greatly insulted me. 

Now I don't know what will actually happen I might have to face every single one of those fears. I might not have had to face any at all (I know that wasn't the case). It is just impossible to predict what you are going to experience for sure or how much.

What causes me to face these is the fact that simply I fear them less then what would happen to me if I don't transition.

I have mentioned before that fear is a very powerful motivator. 

So having experienced glimpses of how much better life could be when I get to be myself 100% of the time. How much more potential I see and feel. Compared to the misery and depression I have to suffer through right now. I feel that I would rather be alive and enjoying my life for once. The fear of not doing so is greater. 

Still the idea that I haven't thought about how transitioning could impact my life irritates me to no end. 

I am already facing some of those consequences and can only wonder at what else will come my way.

That doesn't mean I am stopping or not doing this. 

Thoughts of anything else are simply too bleak.

So that consequence trumps all the others. 

Monday, December 6, 2010

Just a Small Peek

I know I don't post pictures of myself much.

Well...actually I have only done so once. I am simply very concerned about my privacy. Plus I don't know who actually visits this blog and I since I am not completely I out, I don't want to make myself to recognizable.

At least just yet.

However I have recently come into possession of some pictures others took of me recently in Atlanta.

So what is the story behind this one?

Well my friend Kathy and I took our friend Gina to CNN and the world of Coke along with some general down town trekking and site seeing.

At Coca-Cola I had walked up the step to take pictures of the beautifully painted over sized coke bottles. (There is actually a shot of me doing just this but it is from behind, but I am not going to post a shot of my butt.) When I finished and turned around I noticed Gina taking said pictures of me. So I quickly raised my camera and snapped one myself of her, taking a picture of me. So yes I have the other side of this photo. :D

I won't post it since I don't have permission but here is the other famous half.



That is me. Head to toe. As I have mentioned before I only get a little help in the chest area the rest is all me. Well that and the hair. (Soon that won't be the case.)

Plus I am not to worried about exposing myself with this shot. :D

And yes I have no issue wearing sneakers for being comfortable or cute casual in attire. I was site seeing in Atlanta for 6 hours. Sheesh! I don't want my feet killing me. I can wear heels when I go out and feel the need to spice it up.

The thought here was to give those readers who haven't ever met me in person a better idea of why I hear some of the things I do.

I mean B always marvels at this. He just cannot fathom how I do boy.

As we all know that is becoming harder even when I do bury it under bulky over-sized mens clothing.

I am guess now that  I further along than I might even realize myself. Even so I need him for a little while longer.

I hope everyone enjoys this small glimpse of me. It will probably be a while before I do it again.

Saturday, December 4, 2010

Whispers of the Future

I have had some interesting conversations over the last month or so.

They have all had different view points revolving around the same topic. 

The Future.

One friend who recently went full time was pontificating about how much she now loved living as a woman. Completely enjoying how she now interacted with the world. 

Yet she hit on an issue regarding her future and that she didn't know what to do next now that she had transitioned.

I discovered this to be rather interesting when she told me this. 

It was as if she had spent all this energy to transition and deal with all the issue to finally get to the top of the mountain and look around with only one thought in her head.

"Now what?"

The next conversation was even more interesting. As someone very near and dear to my heart talked about how she is being overwhelmed with the feeling that she has never lived her life. As she starts presenting her self in situations more as herself she is noticing...well...nothing. That she is just being herself, that there isn't any fanfare or parades to announce herself to the world. 

It was weighting heavily on her mind that is was going to take a significant amount of time to reach a point where she could just feel normal all the time, rather than how she feels now, always fighting who she is. 

The secondary concern that she was dealing with; What is normal?

I understand both of these issues, maybe not experiencing them completely for myself but I understand what they are thinking and even to a certain degree feel some of it myself. 

Which then brings me to a third friend whom has been living full time for a little over a year, if I am recalling correctly. She is hard to get in touch with sometimes since she is so busy doing the things she wants to do.
They aren't glamorous or even things most people would be interested in. These are things she simply loves to do and I even applaud her for what some of them are. 

All these situations and conversations brought about a lot of thoughts and feelings. I also did a lot of soul searching sometimes even on the spot. 

It took one of my favorite movies, which I had not seen in quite some time but caught most of it recently, to really put it in perspective with one of the most important lines delivered it in. 

'Carpe Diem'

Or 'Seize the Day'. Just in case you don't know Latin.

Those simple words really got me a thinking.

What grand revelations did I have?

When I am done with the process of transition I know full well that life will not always just come to me. 

I have to go out there and grab it. 

Think about it, isn't that what transitioning is?

Seizing the opportunity to finally be yourself. To take the opportunity to feel free about who you are? 

This isn't handed to you. Every single one of us have had to seize the desire to overcome our fears, social backlash, whatever and just go do it.

We had to.

Not someone else.

Life in general works this way. Those that succeed or accomplish goals they feel are important did so by putting forth the effort. 

The same can be applied to life after transition. 

I imagine there will be a period of time where I am just adjusting to finally living full time. That I understand. Though I do want to finally explore the world as me on my terms. 

Some of the items on my 'todo' list are to leave my home state. 

Really. 

I feel that even though there is a fondness I will always have for my home state. I feel it is just time for a change of scenery. If I wasn't in the middle of transitioning I would move now. The idea is as soon as I can leave here as me I am going to go. It will be after I reach full time possibly after GCS.

I am open to a lot of places I love the eastern seaboard from North Carolina up to Massachusetts or New Hampshire.

Minnesota has always a favorite destination of mine. Along with the Pacific Northwest, notably the greater Seattle area. 

However someone recently place the idea of Denver or some part of Colorado into my head. 

This has rapidly gone to the top of my list of places I would like to live. First I love mountains and the change of seasons. Even better I will have easy access to some fantastic ski resorts that are all within a few hours drive with others being further but again drivable. 

I love this idea. I would be gone many a weekend in the winter enjoying the snow.

I also want to gain the freedom to do the things I want. I would love to join a social club either for singles or mixed. Just a group that loves to arrange events. Theater, dining, movies, music, whatever comes to the area. Even a ski club would be cool.

I also see myself getting more active again. Maybe volleyball or soccer which are some of my favorites. Co-ed or whatever I can find. Who knows what else as long as I am participating as me with some quality people staying fit.

Other things I want to do is decorate my own place. It doesn't have to be big or fancy and I don't need to have it be lavishly decorated. I have a strong arts and crafts background that I wouldn't mind dusting off and using again. Including some artwork ideas I have had floating around in my head that I would like to work on.

Another idea that has been in my head for a while is the idea of building my closet. I read a lot of blog about real every day girls and how they express themselves with clothing and style. I however love the idea that some of them have been working on their closet for years. Collecting clothes from their mothers or family members, thrifting along with shopping the current trends and creating something interesting. I would even love to participate in something like 30 for 30, even if it was just for myself to view and document. 

Clothes have never been important to why I am transitioning. I do however have the strong desire to express myself in outwardly appearing manners. How I decorate a room, my art, cooking or even draped over my body. I have had this sense of style since I was day one that has always been looking for an outlet. It just hardly ever fit who I was trying to be. So quite often it was squelched. 

Which is all part redefining who I am. Allowing who I have always wanted to be to come out and be seen with whatever it is I may want to try. 

Granted a lot of this relies on me successfully transitioning and being able to support myself for the rest of my life. We shall see what this change brings. 

The point though is I want to go out and grab life and experience it as me for myself. Something I have never done before. I am not content to sit back and say what next.

Nope.

I will go out and find it wherever it might be. I am willing to try a lot things once. The only question is did I like it enough to do it again.

So in the end I just hope to finally be able to be me. Then I can go out and life my life as me. Free of the distress and concern of who I had to appear to be. Also normal will be whatever I make it. It is all about finding my place again in the world only this time on my own terms. 

I just know I can't wait for it to come to me. I have to go get it. 

Much as I did to transition.

'Seize the Day.'

Friday, December 3, 2010

In The News

I am sure you have all figured out that I am having some surgery coming up.

Schedule and whatnot permitting it should happen.

Am I going to go into a lot of detail? Show Pictures? Etc? 

In a word?

No.

For me this is a very private thing. I don't feel the need to expose it completely to the world, no offense. 

Actually I feel this way about any surgery I have. 

I will probably give some info as to how it all went, where I had it, and what was done. 

After it happens. 

Though I won't post an offical date. I will say that it is scheduled to happen in the first quarter of next year. 

This is going to be a huge step. It will forever change what I look like and fundamentally alter my life. 

It is rather scary. Yet strangely exciting all at the same time. 

Here is hoping for the best!

Tuesday, November 30, 2010

Clean Up in Aisle Five!

The last two weeks couldn't have felt more turbulent if I tried. 

Starting with telling my friend J about me. 

Sob.

Getting some great news about surgical financing. 

Yay!

Scheduling exactly that for the very early part of next year. 

Super Yay!

Learning what I am going to have to do in perpetration for said event. 

Ouch!

Getting a surprise call from my brother the night before thanksgiving. He gets big kudo's for talking to me.

Wow!

Having him ask me some rather poorly worded questions. Along with the wrong ideas of why I am doing this.

Oof!

Dealing with my parents and an Aunt who doesn't know on Thanksgiving day. 

Ugh!

My inlaws the following. 

Double Ugh!

Having a wonderful and one of the best nights of my life on Saturday with one of my favorite peeps in B. 

YES!

Even though we did attend a rather straight xmas party that he didn't know was going to be so John Q. Straight. We laughed about it in the end.

Weird.

Plenty of bar hoping, dancing and fun later. 

Whoo-hooo!

B saying one of the sweetest things he has ever told me, and it doesn't even sound nice when you hear it but it meant the world to me.

Awww!

Leading into one of the biggest collapses I ever had on Sunday.

Thud!

This one was bad.

Really bad.

It started early in the morning, I rebounded somewhat and attempted some retail therapy to perk myself up.

Only to end up crying in the mall because I was there as him.

I was a total mess. 

Though I did learn about the amazing restorative powers of a hot bath and bubbles. Immediately followed up with some ice cream. I was able to end the night feeling ok.

At the least I didn't feel anywhere nearly as bad as I did.

I would not say I feel wonderful though.

It also doesn't help that my Mom has been rather pushy lately as to how, when and why I am doing some things. Really, this is my transition and I knew my mother was quite capable of this. I just don't need someone telling me what to do right now. 

Hopefully I can find some times to de-stress some more this week and try and deal with some of these feelings. 

Transitioning is currently living up to the billing as not being easy.

Though I never expected it to be.

It would be nice however if I could get things to calm down, even just a little bit.

Because I am getting tired of dealing with one mess after another. 

Monday, November 29, 2010

Time Keeps on Ticking

Sadly I am reminded of things today I would rather not think about.

Most people celebrate on a day such as this, but it has never been that important to me.

Perhaps because it feels like just another reminder of time lost.

I do hope that this time next year I can finally, maybe, enjoy myself for once.

Thursday, November 25, 2010

Tuesday, November 23, 2010

Things I Have Learned

Even those that try or want to be supportive aren't always.

That you cannot compare yourself to teenage girls, it just is a point in your life that has past, this is true for any woman.

Fear and doubt might never truly go away.

No matter how sure you are of something the moment you are looking at it can be shocking.

I know what comfort eating is now. Ice Cream has become both my best friend and nemeses. 

The world you know will change. How, is impossible to know, but it will indeed happen.

You can never ever know what someones reaction will be to what you tell them. 

You also cannot un-tell them once you have. 

Being yourself in incredibly important. 

Reaching that goal is the hard part. This is simply the hardest thing I have ever done in my entire life.

Crying sucks, but sometimes is necessary.

Except when you feel the need to do so while at work. 

Lost time is lost time. You are never going to get it back so the best is not to dwell on it. 

Doing that is harder than it sounds.

I understand why sales mean so much more these days.

Patience is a virtue. When you have to wait for things to happen, grow out or change it will not happen overnight.

At some point you will lose control of things, people who you have told will spread it without your consent eventually. 

As much effort you put into making the best decision inevitably you will always second guess it after it is made.

Chocolate tastes soooooo much better! Especially Dark.

Friends who get what you are going through and are there to listen are the most valuable friends in the world. 

Friends who see you for who you are and like you for that person come in a very close second. 

Finally that I am a girl, more than I ever realized before and I love who I am.

Friday, November 19, 2010

Remember



Remembering those that are lost.

While I still find it a bit depressing and even a touch morbid. I still feel that the overall importance of today is remembering that we are still being persecuted and disrespected by society at large.

As much as I would rather be celebrating life I feel the point of today is very, very valid and more important than the slight discomfort I feel about it.

So please remember, however sad it might be, those that have had their life taken from them simply for being themselves.

I will be attending a local candlelight vigil myself tonight.

Even with the pall cast by these events today, I hope it leads us to a brighter future.

Thursday, November 18, 2010

Turning the World Upside Down

Transition.

It isn't for the weak willed.

Quite simply it has been the hardest thing I have ever done and I know it is only going to get harder.

Tuesday was...difficult


Not because I got a bad reaction, far from it.

I thought my parents were hard to tell.

This one was worse.

I did tell her. We met for dinner, ate (knowing what is about to come I always make sure we eat FIRST, otherwise it might not happen.), talked. Again it felt like old times.

Though she knew I was there to tell her something rather profound and life altering.

She really didn't have any idea what was coming.

In the seventeen years I have known her I have rarely, if ever, seen her completely speechless.

And I do mean speechless.

Yet that is what she was for several minutes after I told her.

I really did see her groping for what to say.

Knowing how quick her mouth is it was quite a site.

Seeing that told me just how much I had shocked her.

Now even though she was shocked and reeling by what I told her. She eventually pulled it together.

She asked a lot of great questions. Seems somewhat familiar with what I was going to put myself through. Tried to envision me as the other gender.

And cried.

She told me that she always felt our relationship was just what I thought it was. Big sister and little brother.

So not only did my news shock her, I think it hurt more then I would have suspected it would.

Still we ended up staying at the restaurant for almost four hours talking about all types of things.

In the end I can't say it was negative, nor can I say it was positive either.

We parted with her telling me she wasn't one to tell anyone what they needed to do to be happy. Yet she didn't know how she was going to feel when someone else was standing in front of her.

Though how she stated it gave me a bit of hope that she was willing to try eventually. When is another story and obviously what happens after that could be anything.

With that we started making our way home while saying one final goodbye once outside.

We were both crying at this point.

I do not have any clue as to how this is going to end up. I have been crying over the possible lost of this relationship more than any other this week.

This one hurts...a lot.

Sadly I knew any of this was possible once I start disclosing to people.

There is nothing that can be done about it. These relationships might be lost, possibly forever, all I can do is hang onto the fact that I know I am doing the right thing for myself.

Then hope that maybe some of them will come around once they meet the real me.

Which is quite like the old me, only a little different.

Only time will tell, but right now my perception of the world is quite askew.

Tuesday, November 16, 2010

Fifty Words or Less

That idea is virtually impossible considering the last week of my life.

Not that anything bad has happened just that life has been crazy busy and interesting.

I'll start with last Wednesday when I had dinner with Mom again.

This was the first one we have been able to have since I told my brother. It is also right after my parents went up to his place and moved him from his old residence to his new.

Which meant there was a lot to talk about. The first thing my mom went over were some very pointed questions about how I came about to determining all this.

The interesting part was she was trying to figure out who determined I should start spending time out as a woman. It took a few questions to realize this is what she was asking. I told her that even though I was going out as me more now that I have seen a therapist. I was already going out before then.

I could see the light bulb go on over her head.

I think my brother and father had done a good job of planting the seed of doubt in her head, even though I could tell she wasn't trying to listen to it, it was there.

After that is was a very productive talk about a lot of things and feelings. I can't go into detail about it all right now. I certainly cannot complain about what we discussed, once we got past the opening issue.

I know for a fact people are having a hard time envisioning what I look like as me. Thus I am crazy for thinking this is even remotely possible.

Which brings me to the flip side of this.

I called my good friend B last week, as I now had some free time to get out. I learned that he was semi-permanently transferred to a city a few hours north of here. But that he was spending his time at home on the weekends.

He also informed me that he was now single again.

With that he was completely on board with hanging out with me on the weekend. Only he didn't know if he when he was coming in. So he told me he would call me later in the week.

I didn't get the call. Instead I got a text Friday afternoon asking if I could go out Friday night. With some thought and some scheduling juggling I said yes.

I was even the designated driver for the evening see how I can't really indulge in any liquid fueled festivities anymore.

That certainly doesn't stop me from going out.

After a mad dash at home I managed to get ready and out the door at a reasonable hour to pick everyone up.

Then proceed to have some of the most fun I have had in a long time. I simply adore hanging out with B.

He was a peach when at the first bar a rather creepy guy wouldn't leave me alone so B promptly came to my rescue by pretending that he and I were an item. With that creepy guy left me alone.

We just had fun talking and checking out boys. Sadly he had a better chance with them than I did but still a cute guy is a cute guy.

After we switched bars to a more night club styled one for some time on the dance floor. He was hanging out with me after we had stepped off for a break, when he noticed a cute guy behind me.

"So why don't you go over and talk to him?"

"Well you are here."

"What has that got to do with anything?"

"Well I don't want to leave you alone by yourself."

"B, if you are going to use me as an excuse I am going to be very upset with you! Really I am a big girl I can handle myself. Besides you have been a wonderful friend all night, go, talk, see what happens. Remember I am still your ride home so it is not like you can ditch me here!!!"

He laughed and said I had a good point. So not only did he go over and talk to the cute guy he also ending up getting a number.

B did tell me the guy was confused at first since B was there with a really attractive blonde. B assured him I as just a friend he hung out with nothing more.

The only downside to the whole evening was the awful fog that set in as we were leaving taking my forty-five minute drive to get everyone and myself home to an hour and forty-five minutes. It was very late or should I say early by the time I got home.

Which brings me to Saturday as B called me in the morning to see if I wanted to come over for dinner.

I did, though I warned him I was going out with a different group of friends after that he was fine with it. As I ended up talking and spending time with him and his roommate for almost four hours.

I really amazed him when I used his room to change my outfit by removing the wrap I had on reveling the striped sequin top. Threw a cropped jacket on and exchanged my flats for heels. Topping it all of with some accessories to jazz it up.

"You do all this by yourself right?"

"Yes, why?"

"I still can't figure out how you can possibly live as a guy."

LOL!

I promptly mentioned it to him that I play an excellent boy due to the fact that those I have mentioned already, can't figure out how I could be the opposite gender.

With that I said my goodbyes and heading out to meet some other friends for the evening which was fun as I was had not seen some of them in over three or four months.

Sadly my weekend was perfect as the lack of sleep and crazy schedule generated a migraine Sunday night.

Not fun.

I wouldn't do anything different if I had to do it all over again. Well maybe no fog as that caused me to be up way to late on Friday night.

The other good news is some of the financing that I had been pursing to cover some of my transition expenses finally got approved. It wasn't as much as I was hoping for but it was enough to allow things to start happening.

YAY!!

Then I realized this morning I have dinner with my friend J tonight in which I need to disclose to her what is going on with me.

O_O

Yep, all this is going to make for an interesting therapy session this week and I have an event to attend this Friday as me.

I feel like life as been moving at the speed of light since my project finished with no slowing down in sight.

So much for a return to normalcy.

Tuesday, November 9, 2010

Scheduling Snafus

You might recall I the first part of this story were I was intending to disclose my function to a very good friend of mine.

Yet in all the chaos I held back and decided to not to tell her then for various reason.

Mostly because it didn't feel like the right time to do so, plus I felt she deserved more time for something like this.

Well after many an email exchange, we are finally meeting next Tuesday for dinner. Where I do, in fact, intend to tell her.

[In fairness to her we were both really busy and she did have some family issues do deal with. They are completely understandable in this case.]

You never know what is going to happen with these but they are going to find out either way and I feel it is important to tell them myself.

This one will be tough to take if I lose her friendship over it.

All I can do is hope for the best.

Monday, November 8, 2010

Returning to the Closet

This past weekend I went back into the closet.

Really.

I am not kidding.

I had come to the conclusion that I could not continue forward with the way things were.

Thus into the closet I went.

And cleared out some of his stuff.

It simple was time for some of 'him' to go.

I hope you didn't think I wasn't transitioning any longer.

Far from it actually.

But I really was in a closet.

Picture this, most of my clothes were in a small closet space in the basement. I also had a bunch of other things in a couple of small suit cases folded as neatly as I could keep it. Inevitably though it would just get all messy again.

Factor in all the extra hours I have been working I haven't had a lot of time to plan an outfit like I normally do. So this last Thursday I was in a mad scramble trying to find things for my therapy appointment.

It was during this I realized I was doing more and more as me (Though work was impeding on that quite a bit lately, but now that I have that over with I will have a lot more free time and I intend to use it.) and I was finding living this way rather inconvient.

Living out of a suitcase just wasn't acceptable. In addition I was up in 'his' closet or at least the closet that out of four that had been allocated to me. When I realized I didn't wear 70% of the things that were in there anymore. Really a lot of things were left over from my fat days and were extra large or double which I now absolutely swim in.

With that into the closet I went.

I removed everything.

Re-hung a clothes bar.

Added in a small set of plastic drawers.

A small four shelf shoe rack.

Sorted through all of his clothes and unloaded three bags worth of stuff I am not going to wear ever again.

[This was a little sad I watch some items I was once very fond of go. In some cases I had shirts that were many years old and still looked wearable today.]

I hung, sorted and organized stuff for me in one half. Even placing some small hooks up for belts and accessories.

There is still work to be done. I still have to finish going through the stuff downstairs and packing away summer items and pulling out winter.

In the end it was very worth it. I could look into the closet space and see items I wanted. Find them quickly not to mention they were now properly hung.

Which not only felt like I did something for me, it also made me more prepared should someone call on a Friday night and ask me if I want to go out. I would be able to throw something together in a matter of minutes for just about any occasion.

I found it all rather therapeutic since work and life had pressed down on me rather hard lately.

Maybe it was because I walked into it this morning to get something for work and looked at the other side and smiled.

Or maybe it was the fact that when I was all done I came back out of the closet.

Which is much better than staying in there.

Thursday, November 4, 2010

Closer to Free

I know I haven't been posting much lately or at least maybe not as voraciously as I was earlier this year.

I had to put a lot of effort in getting out the posts I did last month.

Not for lack of want mind you. It was just a shortfall of available free time to write.

I have had and still have things I want to post about.

The good news is that life should be returning to normal rather soon.

Ok, after this weekend to be more accurate.

My project that I have worked so hard to accomplish for a number of reasons, is finally drawing to a close.

YAY!

I sense some normalcy returning to my life.

Which is very welcome.

I haven't really been out as me since SCC back in September.

Which starts to grate on a person. Forcing yourself to be something you are not without a break from it really messes with your psyche.

I am just glad I am see the end of the road for this part of my life.

I need the break I am starting to forget what it is like to have a five day work week.

All I know is that I am getting out next weekend and letting my hair down.

I need a night of fun and frivolity.

The only hard part is deciding what to wear.

*sigh*

Such is the life of a girl!!

I wouldn't trade it for the world.

Tuesday, November 2, 2010

Political Statement



I am not going to tell you for who or what. Just that you please get out and vote!

Monday, November 1, 2010

Where Has the Time Gone

I was cleaning up some things in my blog and checking on some settings when I noticed something.

Well, two somethings really.

I first noticed I now have more then 200 posts.

Wow!

On top of that was the fact that my blog is over two years old. My first ever post August 26th, 2008. Even though that first post was just a simple post as I was getting used to the blogging system I was using.

I boggles my mind to know that I have been posting that much and for that long.

I know early on I struggled to find my voice. I felt as if I had to create something people would read.

I am glad I got away from that.

Really it just came down to a place for me to vent out feelings and thoughts. Talk about life and the experiences that come with it.

When I have something to say I just let my creativity loose and hopefully make it entertaining.

I never force a post. That was a hard lesson to learn.

The last thing I noticed is that I had my voice and things to talk about the same time I realized I was going to transition.

The interesting thing about blogs is they allow you to see your progress and that it was almost a full year before I just seemed to burst with things to talk about.

Since then I haven't really shut up either.

This brings me to the last point.

You.

At least those of you reading this. I am astounded to this day that I have people following along and even commenting on things that I talk about. I know I have mentioned it before but I really only started this blog for me to give me a medium to work things out. Almost a type of therapy, if you will.

I never thought anyone would be interested in reading it.

Which in turn has connected me to some amazing people on such a deeper and more personal level. Simply because they read this blog.

Who knew, huh?

Still I thank each and everyone of you even if you don't actually like what I have to say.

I have no idea how my journey will play out or even if I will post indefinitely. I do know for now there a lot to say. So for the time being I will continue.

Yet, even though all this time has past there is still plenty left in the future.

But wow I never envisioned this all those days and posts ago.

Thank you.

Still it is amazing how time flys by.

Sunday, October 31, 2010

Friday, October 29, 2010

Speaking to the World

In this unusual journey of Transition I have had to worry about a lot of things regarding the process of changing from one gender to another.

If I showed you a picture pre-transition you would simply be amazed at how an overweight scruffy boy became the girl I am today. There was weight loss, hair removal, hair growth, HRT, and still more that has to be done.

Most of those have just taken time and money. Putting myself through some intense pain or just being diligent in my daily life.

One thing, however, was eluding me.

My voice.

Some people might disagree with this but I am a rather talkative person. When I am comfortable with my surroundings and who I am with I sometimes don't shut up. Though I also love to listen. Often I just want to gather in what others are saying and process it before I actually do say anything.

However with regards to transition I never liked my voice or was very comfortable with it. Which meant I didn't always talk very much. So I often got(and still do) labeled as shy.

Why?

Because I was quite terrified that once I opened my mouth any thoughts of who or what I was would instantly be dispelled, confirmed or whatever. I was fearful of the reaction.

The one I was most fearful off was having cis girls suddenly realize how different I was and...well...being shunned because of it.

I felt the acute sting of that a long time ago in middle school as girls stopped including me in things or just treating me as a curiosity and not a friend. Sad, but true. I didn't fit into their dynamic because well I was supposed to be a boy.

Back in present day the problem was changing my voice into something that, while might not be super feminine, was in a range of vocal patterns so that people wouldn't question anything.

So very early on this became one thing I started working on whenever I could. For over two years I tried everything I could to find. Self help CDs, online video guides, general guessing and playing with my voice.

Not one of those seemed to work.

Not a pleasant thought when I started to realize I did indeed needed and wanted to transition.

I was really rather stuck on this issue. Surgery was an option but that certainly wasn't high on my list of things to do. There are enough horror stories out there about this already. The was to be the option of last resort.

Fortunately right around the time I was feeling this frustration I headed down to SCC for a few days in 2009. While there I sat in on a seminar presented by Kathe Perez of Exceptional Voice.

The moment she started teaching some of her techniques I was hooked. Not only did what she taught mesh with things I had learned about speaking in a theater, but they also crossed over into the musical training I had when I was in public school.

It just worked in my head.

The issue was that she lives and works in Colorado, while I was over a thousand miles away in the Midwest. Not exactly conducive to working together.

That is until she mentioned that she was now able to conduct sessions over the internet via Skype software. (Think free video conferencing if you are not familiar with it.)

With that in mind I contacted her shortly after I got back to discuss working with her. Discussed costs, She isn't cheap but she wasn't overly expensive either. I would just need some time to work it into the budget.

Thus in December of 2009 I start her basic six session course, meeting every other week for several weeks.

Almost immediately I loved working with her. The instruction and techniques she taught me were even better then what was hinted at in the seminar.

She is also a wonderful person and very considerate along with amazingly sweet. It just made it a joy working with her.

Even when She was critiquing what I was doing.

This is the one reason I found her help so invaluable. The constructive feedback I received about what I was doing helped massively. Especially so from someone trained to listen to a voice. That and she adjusted what she was teaching me during the course to get me moving further along, She didn't get too advanced but as she discovered how quickly I was picking some things up she challenged me with new things, usually taught in her secondary course.

Taking the information and exercises she gave me at the end of those six session I renewed my practice routine, hardly missing a day, for several months on my own.

When I got in touch with Kathe again after all that work even she was surprised by how I sounded and how much progress I had made. Still I scheduled two session with her in the middle of summer to discuss some issues I was having and to introduce me to some very advanced exercises to help my voice.

I am not kidding when I say she had me doing some vocal gymnastics to improve on what I had already learned and help make my voice more natural.

So here I am ten months later. How have things turned out. Well I will say I am pleased with the amount of change I have heard in my voice. I have several of my friends compliment me on my voice and how natural it sounds. Even my therapist has told me I sound far and away better than I ever did before.

Though I am aware that more practice is needed along with just using it. Plus I still fret over if someone will read me when I open my mouth. Yet when I think back to the cookout and the bonfire and how my voice never got me question. Especially at the latter when MK viewed me as competition even after I had been speaking to her throughout the night. There was even my recent call booking my HRT appointment with the doctors office. When she ma'amed me through the conversation and assumed I was calling on his behalf. Not actually him calling to book it for himself.

I even learned at SCC this year that the more I used it the easier it is for me to just use. I actually had a hard time finding my old voice on the return trip back home that Sunday. It was also great to actually talk to Kathe in person, because she had a lot of good things to say about how I sounded.

Obviously I am doing something right or at least much better then I ever did before. Along with the fact that having someone to work with me rather than trying to guess at it myself made a tremendous difference.

Even if you cannot work with Kathe herself, I do highly recommend working with a speech therapist especially one who is trans friendly and aware.

I know there is room for improvement and that I can't stop practicing it. That was something I learned after SCC this year when illness and other things gave me no time for almost a week to work on anything and I struggled with it once I start working with it again.

It just feels good to know that all the hard work payed off and I am more comfortable speaking to the world.

Maybe now I won't seem as shy. ;)

Wednesday, October 27, 2010

All Hallows Eve

I love the changing of seasons.

It is one of the best parts about the region I currently live in. 

While Summer and Winter are favorites, I am simply in love with Fall.

Spring around here is generally mushy and cold teasing us with the promise of Summer. It is a nice feeling but it is just not a season I feel I can fully enjoy.

There is something magical about Fall for me. I adore the crispy but not yet cold weather. The amazing collage of colors as the foliage changes. This is something I miss about my parents small second home in the more northern part of the state. The colors were simply amazing in the Fall. 

I can tell you have had so many enjoyable nights recently taking my dogs for late evening walks with a mix of stars, ghostly clouds and a big fat mood glowing in the sky. With just the hint of chill and breeze in the air. 

I am mildly embarrassed to admit it, but walking on nights like this is an amazing aphrodisiac that the right person who came along would so get me in the mood. 

It also brings the month of October which not only has all that but it heralded the start of Hockey season. 

It also includes my favorite holiday.

Halloween. 

Ever since I was a child I have simply loved this holiday. Better still that if fits in perfectly with this time of year. 
I love creepy but not morbid Halloween decorations. A decent haunted house or hayride is always fun. A lot try to do too much, but there are some good ones out there. I love the marathons on TV with haunted locations on the travel channel along with some of the ghost hunter stuff. There are times I can't believe everything but some of them are a lot of fun to watch. 

Whenever I travel I try to find a haunted walking tour of the city I am in, most larger ones have these. If I can ever do that around Halloween I would love it. London has several that tour many of the very famous sites and they do it on Halloween at the witching hour. 

Now I am not a big horror fan. Never have been. I am not a fan of gore and guts. I do like a good creep out or tension scare. Think The Others, the first Halloween movie(only slasher film I have ever liked), The Sixth Sense, The Ring, The Silence of the Lambs.

I also like the fun movies, I can tell you Beetlejuice, The Corpse Bride, Sleepyhollow, and The Nightmare Before Christmas all get watched this time of year. Just something about how Tim Burton does eerie that I like. I am not always a fan of his work either. 

As for the holiday itself I love a good Halloween party I have held them myself in the past. Great costumes, good food, and wonderful decorations. I have even been to a few where the whole house was decked out. 

I do take a little umbrage with the whole skanking out of Halloween it can be fun if done right but I think far too many people take it too far, too often. I prefer someone be creative about it. One year I saw a couple come as a pimp and his hooker. Nothing to out of the ordinary right? Well, the following year the same two came again only this time it was as an undead pimp and his undead hooker. The makeup was great too, very detailed. They actually had planned that the year before but decided to have a twelve month setup. 

I would love to partake in a Zombie Walk, or shuffle if that sound better, one of these years. I am just that kind of girl.

I do not, however, feel that Halloween is a Trans holiday. I know people are going to use it for that and there is nothing more I can say. I just feel that if you are using Halloween as an excuse that the issue is more superficial than what I feel. It has just never been a time of year I felt was important to who I was regarding my gender. 

Call me traditionalist I guess. Halloween has a special place in my heart I love the mysticism with a little bit of creepy and spooky thrown in. 

With that said I still implore every to go out and have fun this Halloween season. Show some creativity and enjoy. Just be safe with whatever it is that you do. 

Happy Haunting!

Saturday, October 23, 2010

32 Flavors

Squint your eyes and look closer
I'm not between you and your ambition
I am a poster girl with no poster
I am thirty-two flavors and then some
and I'm beyond your peripheral vision
So you might want to turn your head
cause someday you're going to get hungry
and eat most of the words you just said

Both my parents taught me about good will
and I have done well by their names
Just the kindness I've lavished on strangers
is more than I can explain
Still there's many who've turned out their porch lights
just so I would think they were not home
and hid in the dark of their windows
til I'd passed and left them alone

And god help you if you are an ugly girl
course too pretty is also your doom
cause everyone harbors a secret hatred
for the prettiest girl in the room
And god help you if you are a pheonix
and you dare to rise up from the ash
a thousand eyes will smolder with jealousy
while you are just flying back

I'm not trying to give my life meaning
by demeaning you
and I would like to state for the record
I did everything that I could do
I'm not saying that I'm a saint
I just don't want to live that way
no, I will never be a saint
but I will always say

Squint your eyes and look closer
I'm not between you and your ambition
I am a poster girl with no poster
I am thirty-two flavors and then some
And I'm beyond your peripheral vision
So you might want to turn your head
Cause someday you might find you're starving
and eating all of the words you said

This has always been a favorite song of mine. Just today the lyrics seem to fit more so then ever. 

Thursday, October 21, 2010

Not So Fast

I spoke to my Mom last night. 

My Dad drove my Brother back to the airport, just the two of them. 

It wasn't good

Seem to be that the two of them have come to the conclusion that it is the doctors who are pushing me to do this. 

???

My therapist has even told me that a long time ago she learned that I will do things at my own pace, if at all. She has never pushed but when she makes suggestions or gives her opinion I take my time with them. 

She also didn't stamp my forehead 'Trans' as soon as I walked in. I have been seeing her for nearly three years. 

I never asked her for anything or push to 'get approved' in fact she is known in the trans circles as a tough letter. So she has had fewer trans clients recently because of that. 

This is exactly what I wanted when I first was seeking someone out. 

I needed someone to talk to, to vent my feelings and frustrations. To explore what was going on in my head and just get a valid opinion back. Nothing along the lines of 'you must do this'. She has let me come to my own conclusions but offered guidance and thoughts along the way. 

She really has been the ideal therapist along the way. 

Honestly I think my father and brother are simply looking for someone to blame. 

And there isn't.

This is simply an issue that has been inside me for my entire life and though I tried to suppress it, hide it, or whatever. I simply failed and it began to consume me. 

That was when I sought out help before it completely destroyed me. 

Every decision I have made I have done so of my own accord. It has taken a lot of time, energy and thought, but I know how much happier and content I am when I can just be me. I get little glimpses now and again. Yet that is enough to know how important it is for me to finally be me. 

Though, it appears that in the immediate family I only have my Mom as an ally.

I knew this could happen. I realized a long time ago that I might have to separate myself from the world I knew and create a new one. That people who had been important to me in the past might abandon me. 

Not easy or painless but it can be done. 

Though I was aware of this, it does nothing to lessen the sting of hurt. 

I am just thankful that I have some wonderful friends. One who had me laughing though the tears last night and simply reminded me that there are people out there who do care about me. 

Even though she will claim I am a better friend than she is. 

She couldn't be more wrong. 

I just need to get over the pain and move on. My life it seems will no longer include what I have known. 

Today is a brand new day and life. 

Monday, October 18, 2010

Expect the Unexpected

Transition is a very interesting process.

I am starting to really learn that first hand.

It really is rather surreal too. I have read a lot of accounts of other trans women and what happened during their transition. It is an odd feeling to be experiencing these types of things myself.

Now I am sure you all want to know what happened with my brother.

It was interesting and I am still not sure about it myself. I got a reaction I couldn't even have fathomed along with I am not sure exactly how he feels.

It wasn't bad just different.

As I mentioned he was in town and staying at my parents for the weekend. My Mom and I got him to agree to dinner Sunday night with the plan to be me telling him afterward.

This took an interesting twist in itself.

When I got to my parents they were attempting to but a winter cover over their new camper trailer. Quickly I got volunteered to help out.

Not a big deal as it was obvious they could use a hand.

Once we finished that little endeavor we went inside to clean up a bit so he and I could leave.

So while I was getting an explanation of where to go for dinner(as neither of use were that familiar with the area) my parents made the astounding suggestion that instead of just the two of us going, we would all go.

*blink*

Quickly my Mom figured out the look on my face and quickly suggested that we take separate cars so they would leave after dinner and let my Brother and myself be.

Wheew!

Thus off we went.

For the most part dinner wasn't an issue, we discussed rather mundane things and events. Chatting like a family with no issues.

There was one problem though. The waitress kept ma'aming me. Three times to be exact.

"Can I get you two gentleman another beer? How about you two ladies anything else?)

or

"Miss would you like another iced tea?"

*groan*

I would just ignore it and answer her question but I could see out of the corner of my eye Dad wasn't happy. Though thankfully he never said anything.

We finished up dinner without any major incidents and said goodbye to my Mom and Dad as we went down to the local waterfront to have a little chat.

After a few short minutes chatting about some more things. When after a moment of silence he looked at me as asked what was going on.

With that I started into my non-discloser message, covered the fact that he didn't have to understand it, like it or accept it, it was just something he had to know.

Then I explained what it was, cover all the basics and finish with a general statement about what was going to happen of the next 18-24 months.

At that point he was rather quiet.

He looked out over the water, looked back at me and quietly said that is wasn't up to him to tell me what I should or shouldn't do. That I felt that if this is what I needed to do and is what was going to make me happy then I needed to do it. Yet I was to remember that blood was thicker then water and that in his mind there I was always going to be, in part, his little brother.

Not at all something I would have guessed from him.

I can't say that was complete acceptance but it wasn't the end of the world either.

We did continue to talk about things me, my transition, even some things I learned about him. Something that surprised me since he is a notoriously private person.

After a bit it was getting late and I had a total of an hour an a half to get home. Part of which included getting him back to Mom and Dad's. We continued to talk on the drive home and when we reached the driveway, before we got out, he just told me I was still family but it would take him some time.

Overall I don't know if I can truly say it was positive but it definitely wasn't negative.

I had a long drive home after that which I then discussed a lot of this information with a good friend of mine while in the car.

I think that this point all I can say is I have gotten it done and can breathe a sigh of relief. As this one worried me more then others. Now I can continue moving forward with more steps that need to happen. They are a happening too, I just have had very little time to write about them.

Still knowing my Brother and his personality his calmness about it so far surprised me. It was indeed the unexpected.

All I can do know is see what the future holds between the two of us.