Saturday, December 4, 2010

Whispers of the Future

I have had some interesting conversations over the last month or so.

They have all had different view points revolving around the same topic. 

The Future.

One friend who recently went full time was pontificating about how much she now loved living as a woman. Completely enjoying how she now interacted with the world. 

Yet she hit on an issue regarding her future and that she didn't know what to do next now that she had transitioned.

I discovered this to be rather interesting when she told me this. 

It was as if she had spent all this energy to transition and deal with all the issue to finally get to the top of the mountain and look around with only one thought in her head.

"Now what?"

The next conversation was even more interesting. As someone very near and dear to my heart talked about how she is being overwhelmed with the feeling that she has never lived her life. As she starts presenting her self in situations more as herself she is noticing...well...nothing. That she is just being herself, that there isn't any fanfare or parades to announce herself to the world. 

It was weighting heavily on her mind that is was going to take a significant amount of time to reach a point where she could just feel normal all the time, rather than how she feels now, always fighting who she is. 

The secondary concern that she was dealing with; What is normal?

I understand both of these issues, maybe not experiencing them completely for myself but I understand what they are thinking and even to a certain degree feel some of it myself. 

Which then brings me to a third friend whom has been living full time for a little over a year, if I am recalling correctly. She is hard to get in touch with sometimes since she is so busy doing the things she wants to do.
They aren't glamorous or even things most people would be interested in. These are things she simply loves to do and I even applaud her for what some of them are. 

All these situations and conversations brought about a lot of thoughts and feelings. I also did a lot of soul searching sometimes even on the spot. 

It took one of my favorite movies, which I had not seen in quite some time but caught most of it recently, to really put it in perspective with one of the most important lines delivered it in. 

'Carpe Diem'

Or 'Seize the Day'. Just in case you don't know Latin.

Those simple words really got me a thinking.

What grand revelations did I have?

When I am done with the process of transition I know full well that life will not always just come to me. 

I have to go out there and grab it. 

Think about it, isn't that what transitioning is?

Seizing the opportunity to finally be yourself. To take the opportunity to feel free about who you are? 

This isn't handed to you. Every single one of us have had to seize the desire to overcome our fears, social backlash, whatever and just go do it.

We had to.

Not someone else.

Life in general works this way. Those that succeed or accomplish goals they feel are important did so by putting forth the effort. 

The same can be applied to life after transition. 

I imagine there will be a period of time where I am just adjusting to finally living full time. That I understand. Though I do want to finally explore the world as me on my terms. 

Some of the items on my 'todo' list are to leave my home state. 


I feel that even though there is a fondness I will always have for my home state. I feel it is just time for a change of scenery. If I wasn't in the middle of transitioning I would move now. The idea is as soon as I can leave here as me I am going to go. It will be after I reach full time possibly after GCS.

I am open to a lot of places I love the eastern seaboard from North Carolina up to Massachusetts or New Hampshire.

Minnesota has always a favorite destination of mine. Along with the Pacific Northwest, notably the greater Seattle area. 

However someone recently place the idea of Denver or some part of Colorado into my head. 

This has rapidly gone to the top of my list of places I would like to live. First I love mountains and the change of seasons. Even better I will have easy access to some fantastic ski resorts that are all within a few hours drive with others being further but again drivable. 

I love this idea. I would be gone many a weekend in the winter enjoying the snow.

I also want to gain the freedom to do the things I want. I would love to join a social club either for singles or mixed. Just a group that loves to arrange events. Theater, dining, movies, music, whatever comes to the area. Even a ski club would be cool.

I also see myself getting more active again. Maybe volleyball or soccer which are some of my favorites. Co-ed or whatever I can find. Who knows what else as long as I am participating as me with some quality people staying fit.

Other things I want to do is decorate my own place. It doesn't have to be big or fancy and I don't need to have it be lavishly decorated. I have a strong arts and crafts background that I wouldn't mind dusting off and using again. Including some artwork ideas I have had floating around in my head that I would like to work on.

Another idea that has been in my head for a while is the idea of building my closet. I read a lot of blog about real every day girls and how they express themselves with clothing and style. I however love the idea that some of them have been working on their closet for years. Collecting clothes from their mothers or family members, thrifting along with shopping the current trends and creating something interesting. I would even love to participate in something like 30 for 30, even if it was just for myself to view and document. 

Clothes have never been important to why I am transitioning. I do however have the strong desire to express myself in outwardly appearing manners. How I decorate a room, my art, cooking or even draped over my body. I have had this sense of style since I was day one that has always been looking for an outlet. It just hardly ever fit who I was trying to be. So quite often it was squelched. 

Which is all part redefining who I am. Allowing who I have always wanted to be to come out and be seen with whatever it is I may want to try. 

Granted a lot of this relies on me successfully transitioning and being able to support myself for the rest of my life. We shall see what this change brings. 

The point though is I want to go out and grab life and experience it as me for myself. Something I have never done before. I am not content to sit back and say what next.


I will go out and find it wherever it might be. I am willing to try a lot things once. The only question is did I like it enough to do it again.

So in the end I just hope to finally be able to be me. Then I can go out and life my life as me. Free of the distress and concern of who I had to appear to be. Also normal will be whatever I make it. It is all about finding my place again in the world only this time on my own terms. 

I just know I can't wait for it to come to me. I have to go get it. 

Much as I did to transition.

'Seize the Day.'