Tuesday, December 25, 2012

Saturday, December 22, 2012

Thursday, December 20, 2012

Early Christmas!

Just a quick little post.

My company gets musical artists in now and again for little concerts in our larger building.

Normally about fifty people show up, hang out and listen to good music.

This happens about three of four times a year.

Today was different.

Over 200 hundred plus showed up and the little lobby area they set this up in was PACKED!!!

Who was there?

None other than two of my favorite artists.

Tegan & Sara

The only major issue is they are so tiny and the crowd so big you could hardly see them.

Hard to imagine this time last year I hated to leave my desk. Today, I got to enjoy a four song set by them and even got my picture taken with them(though I am still waiting for them to upload those photos). I did snap a few with my iPhone before I had to make the journey back to my desk.

I loved it and them even more now.

Soon I will see them in concert!!!!

Great little early xmas present. Even if it did not exactly have my name on it!!!

Tuesday, December 18, 2012

One Year Later

It is really hard to believe that a year ago I was about to go full time.

At this point last year my company knew.

My department and co-workers knew.

Things were about to change rather radically.

There was to be no more switching back and forth. I would not have to pretend to be a boy anymore(not like I was succeeding very well trying).

Emotionally I was all over the place wondering if this really was going to go over well.

Or was I just going to fall flat on my face.

It is interesting to sit here one year later and think about all of it.

Reflecting on my nerves those first few weeks

Which were only about the office. Really, outside of work life had already shifted so much and since the general public didn't know any better, life was easy there.

I found it hard to even walk into the office back then. I just did not want to be that person anymore.

That doesn't mean I wasn't scared those first few days. Even with all the due diligence that I did. The soul searching. The personal exploration. I was still scared.

How could I not be?

Yet with all that here I am one year later and things have gone extremely well.

Who knew however that all of what was to come was going to happen. The Good, The Bad, and The Blonde.

I have had some amazing moments over the last year.

I have had some ugly and sad ones.

I have also had a lot of 'duh' moments.

With all of that though I am amazed that here I am one year later. Healthy, extremely happy, and simply truly enjoying being alive for the first time in my life.

I had so much fear and trepidation built up in my head and while some of it did happen. Most did not.

It is rather surreal to think about all of it.

Still here I am one year later.

The importance of that sentence cannot be stated enough.

Read it again if you don't see it the first time.

The thing that amazes me the most though?

Holy Calender Batman!!

It has been one year!!!!!!

Tuesday, December 4, 2012

All in the Family

While I would say that my transition has proceeded rather well. It has not all been without it's share of problems or issues.

Most notably would be my brother.

Sadly he and I have not talked since last November.

It is not like I have not tried too. In fact I attended his youngest son's graduation this last June. I was invited by not only my nephew but his mother too(my Brothers ex). Even in light of all that changed they absolutely wanted me there. My Ex-sister-in-law even moved to sit with us after she came to the ceremony. Choosing to sit with myself and my parents, than near my brother.

(My nephews and their mom were great never getting my name or nouns wrong and I even was referred to as Aunt Kelli. I did not even ask for that part I would have been happy with just Kelli.)

As for my brother, I am going to say he did not.

He remained on the other side of the auditorium from me. I caught more than a few gestures my way which did not appear flattering.

Worse still was when we all gathered outside after the conclusion of the commencement and I made a point to walk up to him and say 'hello'.

To which all i got in return was not a single word and the cold shoulder.

Which upset my father a great deal, but more on him later.

Another thing was some of my extended family, specifically the ones I mentioned here. Have not all been as accepting as first appeared.

What has tricked down to me was "Well we don't want our kids around you because it would be too confusing for them."

They have even stated one of the kids 'read' something in a certain religious text and stated he found it wrong because of this.

The truly crazy part of it is that his Aunt, my cousin who was telling me this, found it as out of character as I did. This child is so deeply rooted in logic, technology and science in a family that isn't deeply religious, that for this comment to made was incredibly odd.

Contradicting the older adult children in the family, who are more religious, who do not have an issue.

Personally I feel that this story was told as an excuse to avoid having the kids around me. That it wasn't actually said.

This is highly irritating because in all my experiences with kids, most of them(and I am referring to preteens twelve and under) will follow suit with whatever the parents do.

I even supplied this information of how to explain it to them.

"Tell them that [His name] will now be referred to as Kelli and will be a girl from this point forward. If they ask why. Then you tell them because she with the help of a few doctors felt this was medically necessary."

Children often will just say, oh okay and go back to playing. From there on out they will follow along with the parents. Most of the confusion stems from when they get told something like this and the parents fail to follow up themselves. i.e. the parents use the wrong name and the child will ask but I thought they were called [new name] now?"

It really is that simple. There is no need to elaborate on it and in time they will not ever really recall the other persona.

What this situation tells me is two things. They haven't accepted it themselves, be it they are don't want to understand it, are embarrassed, or they are disgusted by it, or feel it is wrong for whatever reason.

They simply are unwilling to talk to their kids for five minutes and go from there. Odds are few if any questions will arise. I even told them if it does come that they can bring the questions to me and I will give them an easy way to answer it if they felt they did not know how too.

Obviously they do not care. See excuses above.

Oh well. I have this odd feeling I'll find out for sure come this Christmas when we have our big family gathering on that side Christmas Eve. Most of these people would be in attendance and I do plan on going.

We shall see.

It ultimately does not matter since I know I am planning on moving out of my home state sometime in the near future. As much as I would like to hang onto family I also know I cannot make anyone like me.

The one other issue that I have been dealing with is my father. He surprised me earlier this year by finally opening up and talking to me. He allowed me to take him out for dinner on his birthday and a few other little things.

I had though that since we attended a few graduations parties and he saw the rest of the family talk to me like a normal person. Welcoming me and taking the time to get to know version 2.0 of me. That the ice started to break up a bit.

Sadly I don't think this is going to hold up since in recent weeks he has finally talked to my mom a bit and the impression I get from her is that he is not taking it well...still.

I don't know yet, her and I have a dinner scheduled soon, to catch up and she was going to discuss more of it with me then.

This is all just a sad reminder that there are some very closed minded people still out in the world. That no matter what I do they will not see past there own personal problems or beliefs. It also bothers me that they might not attend a family function just because of my presence. While they might feel relief from the issue I guarantee that they do not realize how hurtful it is to me.

This is the paradox of being trans. We go to great lengths to be ourselves. Which is hopefully a far better and happier person. Truly allowed to be ourselves. Yet the fear, misunderstandings or misguided beliefs of others will not let them treat a human being as such.

Oh well it is what it is. There is nothing I can to do make them think anything different.

Such is the life of being Trans.