Thursday, July 29, 2010

Interesting Development

So early this week I was showing a picture on my phone to a couple of guys at work.

They commented on what I was showing them and then followed that comment up with this:

"So who is the chick in the photo?"

Well...that chick was me.

I know it was said tongue in cheek, but I cannot help but wonder what they are now thinking.

The last time I had gotten my hair cut short was almost two and a half years ago.

It is starting to reach my shoulders.

Most of my weight loss occurred before I walk in the door here in January 2008.

Granted I didn't start hormones until May of 2009.

Still this is the first time I have heard something like this.

I wasn't upset. Though I did pause before I said anything. I also hope I placed the right expression of irritation on that said how could they think such a thing.

No idea if I succeeded on that last one.

But still the comment was generated because of the way I currently look.

Things should get interesting around here very soon. Scheduling FFS is going to trigger coming out to HR and management.

As I don't think I am going to be able to disappear for a few weeks and come back and expect to walk around here continuing to be a boy.

Life is going to get more and more interesting.

Tuesday, July 27, 2010

Whirlwind Weekend: The Complete Story

As I have mentioned this last weekend had the potential for some fairly interesting experiences.

Some of them happened.

Some of them didn't.

And some I wasn't aware could happen. Happened.

It does make life interesting to say the least.

Now, to make sense of all this I am going to break this up into two part. 'The Lunch' and 'The Party'.

Let's start with The Lunch shall we?

This almost didn't happen and while it did happen. It also didn't happen.

Let me explain.

As I was getting ready to leave the house to get a few things done, J called. Seems She had been sick on Thursday and was swamped with meetings trying to get caught up on things for Friday. Which She felt was not going to give her the time to get out of the office.

So she asked if she could reschedule. Deflated but understanding, I agreed to set something up on a later day.

Then I proceeded to start to rearrange my day with what I needed to get done.

When about an hour later J called again. Seems that several of her meetings got canceled and she was going to have time for lunch. But it was going to be on a tight time frame.

I said sure and immediately had to go into scramble mode as I was already now doing other things.

I shifted plans yet again and ran out the door.

Now as mentioned before I need to disclose to J. She is one of my best and oldest friends. I thought about doing it during this lunch. However with the mad scramble and canceling of plans along with rescheduling back on again. I was thrown a little off.

Be that isn't the major reason I didn't tell her. No it had to do with the time I spent with her and how much I value her friendship.

See, as soon as she hopped into my car it was like old times. It was as if it had not been over six months since we last saw each other.

In that moment things were just washed away. We immediately starting chatting about life, things, family, laughing, being silly, and simply enjoying the others company throughout lunch.

Which caused me to realize quiet quickly that this wasn't the time to tell her. She has been too good a friend for too long to gloss over it in fifteen minutes during a lunch, on Friday no less.

No, I am going to have to try and pin her down for a dinner or something with more time so I can explain this and at least have the time to be available to talk about it. Not only is it that important to me, she is that important to me.

I need to approach this as best I can and not rush it. I realize that now. Don't worry I already have an email out to her stating the desire to talk in the near future for a greater length of time.

Still it was wonderful to see her and spend time with her again. If there is anyone I would miss losing as a friend the most it is her. There no doubt about that.

We shall see.

Now for part II 'The Party'

I still haven't come back to earth from this. Quite simply it was one of the best times I ever had. Though I was a little disappointed for B, for two reasons.

But I will get to that in a minute.

I simply had a great time. Enjoyed myself thoroughly. I met a few really cool new people. Everyone was extremely welcoming and complimentary. Including B's cousin C, who is a cis girl, total sweetheart and cute as a button. (We totally clicked on a number of things and one of my favorite parts of the night was talking literature for about thirty minutes discussing things that we are reading or have recently read.)

My Smores' bars were a total hit. Not only did everyone love them, they couldn't believe that I actually made them myself. Which had to I proved by reciting the recipe and mixing instructions from memory. People actually asked if they could take some of the extras home.

Yes, I made a lot of them. :D

The food was generally good. B makes this really interesting pasta salad. He calls it a BLT pasta salad. It was really good. He really surprised me how much he put into the event and how concerned he was that everyone had a good time. Which contributed to my first issue as B didn't get the turnout he had hoped for. A little more than 50% attended but many, too many, did not.

I was a little disappointed for him knowing how much energy he had put into all of it.

While lead us to wrap the party up around 10:30 as people were filtering out and heading either home or to one of the various clubs in the area.

Since it filtered down so much we wrapped up the party ourselves and headed out to reunite with a few of them just to try and continue some of the fun.

It was worth it as I still had fun even though I was in total casual dress and not really dressed for a night out I went anyway. Who cares really.

My second issue was with B's boyfriend. He is so in the closet it isn't funny. He refuses to mix his gay friends with his straight friends and panics about every little thing that looks suspicious.


Now I know there are still is some unfriendly people out there. Yet growing up in a blue collar Midwestern state. I have had gay friends for years. Many of them open and have held parties in the past were the crowds were mixed. None of the people who attended ever had an issue. I think mostly because the hosts of those parties were out, open and stated it is just a gathering of people.

Nothing else.

Either way I feel bad for B. He is a total sweetheart and wears his heart on his sleeve and his BFs behavior just hurts me to see.

The real issue was the cheap pass he made at me.

See B and I know each other and because of that I am comfortable with him. We can and do sometimes flirt a little shamelessly, though harmlessly.

G (B's boyfriend) saw this when I was helping B in the kitchen prepping food so people could eat.

Yes, I am always in hostess mode for some crazy reason.

Regardless I was being sassy with B about something (I am aware that those who know me well are going to have a really hard time believing I can be sassy /wink) which prompted B to give me a playful swat on my butt for my attitude. It was all he could do as I had my hands full of something that I was spooning into a dish.

I didn't mind. He was just getting back at me for my smart mouth and it was completely harmless.

But G saw it.

Which prompted him not five seconds later as B had left the kitchen to take a dish or tray outside, to walk up behind me and take the same liberty.



I spun half way around on him and said "Excuse me."

"Well I saw B do it and thought it was fair game and you have a nice butt."

"Umm while slightly flattered. B I know, you I just met. So I am sorry to tell you that isn't the case and not appropriate."

"Oh? Well I am bisexual so..."

(As if that makes it all better.)

"I understand but please don't."

He left the room after that and nothing else was said about it.

I honestly feel for B because he is trying so hard to make this work. G seems nice but it has become apparent to me he has some issues. It has been a long time since I knew someone personally like this where the situation just seems like a wreck waiting to happen.

My heart goes out to B since he has been such a good friend and so supportive of me.

Yet that was a minor incident that really did nothing to ruin my night. I still had a ton of fun meeting new people. I got asked by all three cis women there where I had gotten my top from and two of them loved my sandals.

The moment of the night through belongs to B's cousin C. She was changing to head out for the night after the party wound down and B and I were in the hallway chatting with each other and her.

After we walked back into the room. I commented that she looked really cute in a very simple dress that she had brought with her. She teased back that it just worked for her figure. I told her that I didn't know what she was complaining about since I had more concerns about my figure then she did.

Her reply stunned me:

"What?!? OMG girl I am so freaking jealous of you! You have an amazing figure and I wish I had it and not the one I got."



I think my jaw is still on the floor somewhere at B's house. I should probably go pick it up one day.

I really didn't know what to say. I know I said thank you but that even I have my issues. She still poo-poo'd me a bit in response. It is just crazy to hear something like that when you consider the source.

Though I am jealous of B to have such a supportive and accepting family member. Those two are more like brother and sister then cousins. She was also very much my kind of person. Smart, personable, and most importantly funny. Her and I cracked each other up a few times that night. She was a joy to spend time with.

The whole day and night was simply a whirlwind of fun. I was so sad when it was time for me to make my trip back home. I said goodbye to C and told her I hoped we would get the chance to see each other again. She said the same. I then gave B a huge hug and thanked him again for being such a good friend and for inviting me. I also chided him about not waiting so long to hang out again.

The absolute best part of this little adventure was the fact that I just stopped thinking about my gender and spent time as myself. No one once questioned me at all and I was simply allow to enjoy living life.

These moments remind me why I am going through all this trouble to transition.

I so wanted to put it into a bottle and save it. I cannot wait for things to be a little more permanent for me. Full time is around the corner yet it cannot get here soon enough.

Another cool part of the whole weekend?

One of the other attendees has already been in contact with me (through B) to invite me to another one in August.

You bet I am going.

In the end all I can say is that it was all a blur of squee, laughter, omg and FUN!

Sunday, July 25, 2010

Whirlwind Weekend


Can I say that now?

The last 48 hours have been interesting, wild, crazy, surreal and strange.

Still it was an absolute blast.

I have a lot to say on it so give me a little time to write it up.

Just know that I have been on cloud nine all day today. It is moments like this have carry me along as I try to get over each hurdle and past each barrier.

Thursday, July 22, 2010

I'm Not Perfect

Yep, I make mistakes.

Usually I will admit them.


Still I have to admit this one. As it was a total blunder on my part.

As you might be aware I came out to my parents recently. You should know as it was one of my most read posts on this blog.

Shortly after that happened my Mother asked if I could setup a separate email account for her to use to talk to me. As she was worried some of the things she would talk about might be hard topics to discuss and seeing how she was sharing an email address with my Dad, she didn't want to upset him too much should he read something he might not like. I told her it wasn't a problem.

I set her up with a gmail account, showed her how to use it and sent some test messages back and forth to my normal email account.

Then I left it at that figuring she would get a hold of me when she was ready.

So I waited.

And waited some more.

Still waited.

By now almost four weeks had passed and I was starting to get a little nervous and edgy. I simply had not hear from her.

Talk about nerve racking and I really didn't want to call and push the issue. I was really trying to let her come to me when she was ready for it.

Still I really didn't expect to wait this long.

My only thought was to just try and be patient.

It wasn't easy.

Then she called me earlier this week to ask me a few non related questions. Tell me some things that were happening with her and Dad. Then she asked me if I had gotten any of the emails she had sent.


OMG! So there I was sitting on pins and needles all this time and was totally starting to reach panic levels. Yet She had been sending them all along.

Last night when I got home and could access my full email client I found them in my junk folder. Even thought I had tested sending email to and from, my filter still had flagged her emails as junk and moved them.

Fortunately I don't clear my junk mail folder often. I do it about once a month just in case something like this happens.

I felt relief as I found them. Set her address as safe and I should be able to see her messages and respond in a much more timely fashion.

Wheew! It was a relief.

As for what was talked about, she just had a lot of question and comments which I answered. Though I glossed over a few of the more extreme things I am planning for now. Though they were mentioned. While I covered other things in greater detail. It was a long enough response to begin with so I wanted to explain things that were more immediately in need of additional time while others could wait.

The one scary question and it just startled me that she asked so soon. Was she wanted to know my name.

I hesitated on that for a while but in the end I gave her my new first name. Kelli isn't going anywhere and I simply have grown to like it and it fits me. As for the rest I don't know yet, but time will tell.

Though it was nice to know that she had been gathering information and getting up to speed.

And I have a feeling I will be posting bits and piece about what her and I discuss.

Should be interesting.

Wednesday, July 21, 2010

Since I Got Tired of the Old Wallpaper

It was time for a change.

I did like the old layout and graphics, but there were still some formatting issues.

Which I was finding perpetually irritating.

I noticed Blogger had a new template designer that allowed for greater freedom to make adjustments.

So I am trying this out right now.

Besides it was time for a change and I like the brighter warmer colors. Maybe it is just a reflection of my mood.

If that is the case what does that say about me when you consider the old one.


Oh well, I like it and for now it stays.

Monday, July 19, 2010

Summertime Noms

While I am very much a Fall and Winter kind of girl.

Since really I love the crispness and colors in the Fall.

Not to mention I am a total snow bunny in the Winter.

I still do love Summer. Changing seasons make the world a wonderful place and I cannot imagine living anywhere that doesn't.

Ok, maybe when I am older and just don't want to deal with the cold and such, but for now that is a very long way off.

Summertime however is a great time for food!

I know, I know the skinny girl who watches what she eats is talking food.


What I am getting at is that a lot of options open up to one about what they can eat.

Such as the Maple Teriyaki Salmon along with squash and eggplant that I grilled for dinner last night.

Summertime just brings that out and increases one's possibilities not only of what to eat but being a northern Midwest girl being outside cooking on the patio is just magical.

I love it.

Things are just fresh and available this time of year when they might not normally be.

Or at least the quality isn't the same.

Case in point, homemade fruit parfaits for breakfast. Some vanilla yogurt, fresh strawberries, blueberries, blackberries, and a little honey almond granola.


From my desk this morning.

Eating right doesn't have to be unpleasant and bland. I have been enjoying fresh watermelon, berries, and vegetables far more frequently. I even have fresh cut pineapple to go along with my turkey wrap for lunch.

All made at home.

I was teased about making a good housewife by a very good friend of mine. Since I was in the middle of prepping dinner for yesterday not to mention I had my lunches and meals for the week already planned out.

My answer was if I could just find a tall good looking doctor I would be all set! lol /wink

Regardless I hope that this inspires those trying to lose weight to try other things. As I said it can be done.

Now if I could just get my hands on some thimble berries this parfait would be perfect.

Friday, July 16, 2010

By The Way...

I have a lunch date next Friday. Followed by a pedicure and the construction of smores bars.

Yes I said construction.

Anyone who has made something similar will know. Sandwiching a layer of chocolate and marshmallow puff between two layers of graham cracker dough is no easy task.

Sometimes I would rather build the Hoover Dam.

For reals!

That marshmallow puff is like glue, it sticks to freaking everything. My trick is to use two spoons and constantly dunk them into water to keep them slippery.

But the effort is worth it. They are super yummy and gooey, it is putting them together is the only hard part. The dough takes less then ten minutes to make including time to crush the graham cracker into crumbs.

Then you bake for 30-35 minutes. They are rather simple but difficult to assemble.

But I digress.

The reason for this post is the lunch date.

See I am meeting my friend J for lunch.

She is the one I mentioned here.

I know she has some inclination that something is going on but I don't know what. She is very high on my list of people to disclose to but I wonder if this is the right time.

I also really do want to tell her.

She is one of the very few people who got to see a little bit of me. As in the real me.

I hid behind at lot of bluster and false bravado in addition to my sense of humor.

Yet I got to relax a bit with her. I found a friend who was a woman and I cherished that immensely.

If there is anyone I am afraid of losing. I mean really afraid, it is her. She has been too dear a friend over the years.

I think I am going to play this one by ear over the course of the lunch. I have a feeling that she might bring up the topic herself anyway.

Who knows really. Someone very wise once told me that I cannot expect anything regarding disclosure. Everyone is a guess and those that you think are going to not like it won't have an issue. Those that you think will be able to handle it won't.

I have a feeling I have a lot of posting to do the week after next what with that. Along with B's cookout the day after.

It should be an interesting 72 hours.

Monday, July 12, 2010

Dealing with an Unruly Mob

Well this, I guess, was partially expected.

Though not entirely.

What is happening is that some of her extended family is not only asking questions about me, a few are also making comments about how they don't care for me.

Funny this.

Seems I have been viewed as controlling of everything. Not allowing us to go see this side of the family.


Not sure why this is.

I mean really we haven't been invited to many things lately. Though that could be related, again, to me.

Yet as far as I am aware there hasn't been much going on.

Never mind that, honestly, I have never felt welcome by that side all that much. I usually sit and talk to just a handful of a few people.

Mostly the women. Go figure.

That crowd has quite a few, shall I say macho, men in it.

Oddly enough I don't fit into that crowd all that much. Not to mention that even though I can talk a lot of the topic that come up. I really have no desire to.

Crazy isn't it?

What really pisses me off about all this. Is the fact that these things were said and yet they don't know how often I ensue my own family to attend things for her.

So the complaint is utter bullshit.

Pardon my French. It just fits.

This past Thanksgiving day was the first time I had spent one with my parents in four years.

Yet I normally go to not one, but two in the same day for her and by extension for them.

This should make it painfully obvious why I have yet another reason to extract myself from the situation.

It isn't her fault, they are who they are. Close minded, bigoted and perhaps even a bit more racist then anyone might realize. I will reserve a bit of that judgment since I haven't seen it first hand. Let's just say things have been said now and again that causes one to raise an eyebrow on occasion.

I can only imagine what is going to happen if I had to transition in front of these people. As I am seeing them several times a years.

It isn't like that haven't seen some of the changes already. As I noted above they have.

The fact that I am already considered selfish by them is only going to get worse.

Not to mention they will all rush to her defense. Blaming me for what I am doing.

Honestly, the selfish people are the ones who cannot open their minds to the fact that not everyone is like them. Not everything is all black and white.

That there are shades of gray. Regardless of if it is sexuality, gender, or some other lifestyle that would be considered different, or better yet, outside the norm.

Too bad for them, but I don't need to hear it.


I am going to have enough issues with being Trans. Don't ever think for a second that I am transitioning with rose colored glasses. I know the heartbreak, difficulties and whatever that I can and might face. I, however, choose to remain positive in the fact that I can get through this and deal with the mess as it comes rather then guess at it.

I am not however really looking forward to having to explain all this to people who are already viewing me in a poor light. Nor do I feel like battling them to accept it.

To me that is a losing proposition.

I have been nothing but polite, social, and considerate. I have cooked for them even held events at my house welcoming each and every one.

Yet I am still the one who is selfish and controlling.

I am the bad person.

Whatever helps you sleep easier at night. I will just look elsewhere for people who like me as me.

It isn't my job to please everyone else anymore.

I need to worry about myself for a change.

Sunday, July 11, 2010

The Beauty of Life

There are reasons I prefer still being here. Reason I want to continue even in the face of transition.

This is something I found taking my puppy dog for a walk. Being the ten year old girl that she is I took a shortcut trail through the woods to avoid having her out in the heat for too long. This is also a new park for us so being there in the spring and summer has only happened this year.

Half way through I spotted this tree. Sadly I probably missed it in full bloom so I can only imagine how magnificent it would have looked.

Still these were amazingly beautiful and thank goodness for camera phones.

I hope you like it as much as I did. 

Click for Full Size

Friday, July 9, 2010

Meaningful Messages

I am not sure anyone has sat and watch my little quote widget that is on the left side of my page. So I thought I would place them all in a post for once. These are the current things I have found that try I to remember or feel are worth hearing or reading. I have added them as I find them so there might be more in the future. As for right now this is the complete list. Enjoy!

"Life makes sense when we are centered in our own hearts and embrace our own unique journey."

-- Christine Mason Miller

"That's the difference between me and the rest of the world! Happiness isn't good enough for me! I demand euphoria!"
-- Calvin

"If the smart don't say anything. The dumb won't notice."
-- My Father

"If I had a penny for my thoughts, I'd be a millionaire."
-- Ad Rock - Beastie Boys

"I used to think the brain was the most amazing organ in the entire body. Then I realized who was telling me this."
-- Emo Philips

"Creativity is not about perfection, it is about being wild, silly and downright outrageous."
-- Christine Mason Miller

"Life sucks, get a fucking helmet."
-- Dennis Leary

"Loved by some, hated by many, envied by most, yet wanted by plenty!"
-- Anonymous

"Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn't do than by the ones you did do."
-- Anonymous

"It is never too late to be what you might have been."
-- George Elliot

"Poor planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on my part."
-- Anonymous

"I think life should be more like TV. I think all of life's problems ought to be solved in 30 minutes with simple homilies, don't you? I think weight and oral hygiene ought to be our biggest concerns. I think we should all have powerful, high-paying jobs, and everyone should drive fancy sports cars. All our desires should be instantly gratified. Women should always wear tight clothes, and men should carry powerful handguns. Life overall should be more glamorous, thrill-packed, and filled with applause, don't you think?"
-- Calvin

"Love comes once and when it comes you better grab it fast, cause sometimes the love you grab ain't gonna last"
-- J. Geils

"I love myself today, not like yesterday. I'm cool, I'm calm, I'm gonna be okay!"
-- Bif Naked

"Happiness comes from being who I am now and being that person with people I care about"
-- Anonymous

"There comes a time in life when you have to let go of all the pointless drama & the people who create it & surround yourself with people who make you laugh so hard that you forget the bad and focus solely on the good. After all life is too short to be anything but happy."

Thursday, July 8, 2010

Stay of Execution

Tuesday night I talk to my friend who offered me the job.

However I did not end up having to disclose to him just yet.

The reason relates to a surprise I got at my current job.

If you recall there is a rather large project that I will be handling here at work.

Which was impacting my ability to take time off at the end of the year.

However with the waffling and feet dragging, not to mention the hierarchical posturing in upper management that was happening I was fearing that things would get so delayed that I would be working twenty hour days in November and December.

Not a pleasant thought.

What surprised me was the three quarters of a million dollars I did manage to get the company to spend arrived on site yesterday.

Thought it will be a few weeks to get it all setup and running as we were not expecting it just yet.

There is some prep work to be done.

What does this have to do with my friend?

Well he knew what the project was, he also knew a lot more of the details of what was upsetting me about the current progress. After I told him it had come in he told me to wait. That is too big a project to pass up and it will look great on a resume.

Just as long as he can get some spare time from me. Which I am completely ok with.

Besides being a salary employee the extra money on the side right about now is really nice to have.

Yes I will still tell him, I just wasn't sure I wanted to tell him just yet.

I also was having a lot of reservations regarding having to introduce myself to a lot of other strangers that I would have to explain who I was to.

It still might happen but I am glad for the respite that I am getting.

I could use the time to sort it out a bit more.

Or at least better prepare myself for it if I do choose to work for him.

We shall see.

Wednesday, July 7, 2010

Mirror, Mirror on the Wall

Well this last Friday I had some time off work.

I decided to take advantage of it.

Thus I called the MAC store I visited back in December and talked to A about an appointment.

I had talked to her earlier in the spring when buying a another brush and foundation.

She asked me when I was going to be in again as she was looking forward to it.

Wow this was cool so I told her I had some Fridays off in the summer and I would stop in for one, but that I would call ahead.

Before I left she even told me same as before, that if I was comfortable enough to stop in as myself.

Even better.

So I had finally setup something for this last Friday as this was the first one I had that nothing else was happening on.

And I went in... me.

Totally cool actually I feel a lot more comfortable as myself. I am more relaxed. There is no thrill or excitement about anything. I am simply just me.

Which is just kinda nice. I had nothing fancy on just some cropped jeans and a cut tee layered over a white tank. Along with some cute flat sandals.

Remember this has never been about the clothes, though goodness knows I love'em, most of the time I just go for cute and casual.

She was with a customer when I got there so I just browsed the store for a bit until she finished and caught up to me.

"Well hello, my goodness you look really cute. Is this typical for how you go out."

"Hi and yes this is fairly normal for me."

"So what where you thinking about trying, anything in particular?"

"Well you mentioned a light yet fun summer look so why not try that."

"Cool, (pause as she studied me for a moment) How about a fun eye with a bit of purple layered on it with a just a bit of pop but we will go with a softer lip and cheeks."

"Lol you had me at purple but yes that sounds great."

"Well are you ok sitting up front?"

"I am standing here in the store aren't I?"

"Lol very true, lets get you a seat and we'll get started."

Away we went. I was nice to sit there and be myself, chatting with her, asking questions, talking life, her explaining the idea and how she was doing it, along with laughing and having fun.

I didn't feel out of place or self conscious one bit this was just me doing things I like. Plus really I have never had someone to talk to about makeup and not get a funny look. I am really trying to catchup on 25 years of education that most other girls get by default.

All in all it was a blast and I learned several new things. In addition the over all look was simply yet very cute.

I purchased a few things and didn't spend nearly as much as I did the first time. Considering all I needed was the colors and the lip products as I had much of everything else.

I couldn't thank her enough and just before I left she mentioned some interesting new color lines coming in the fall. I told her I would be back but I have to spread out these trips, MAC isn't cheap but I cannot deny the quality of their product. It also doesn't hurt that it lasts a long time as I use a lot less of it then anything I have tried before.

However I only told you that story so that I could tell you this one.

After skimming the mall for a bit, I didn't buy anything as I am still on a tight budget and I spent enough at MAC, I headed home.

So before I had to scrub my face clean as I did have an event that evening that I had to do as him. I studied myself in the mirror for a bit. Looking at where she put color and how she did it. Making a few copious mental notes and studying the face sheet she gave me. When I do something like this I make sure I get it in my head as much as possible, one because I am the type of person who like to improve myself. Second, I loved how it looked on me. Generating the desire to be able to do it myself.

But I digress, what I am trying to explain is I was looking at the parts doing this and not the whole.

When I stepped out of the bedroom to put some things away I stepped back in one more time and took another glance.

And I paused.


For a moment I didn't move.

I looked again...

...and paused a second time.

It really took me a rather long moment to comprehend what I was seeing in the mirror.

As I took in the whole picture of what was reflected before me I, for the first time ever, saw something I didn't ever see before.

Or rather did not see.

As in 'Him'.

I wasn't seeing him at all.

Better still there was nothing extravagant about what I was doing or how I was dressed.

He simply is fading away.

Only I didn't see it until that moment.

I mean truly see it.

I normally don't stare at myself in the mirror. This is more true lately then even as I feel so in between.

But I really stopped and looked in this moment.

As all I was seeing was a fairly cute girl staring back at me. More importantly that cute girl was me.

Since it finally hit me how much I have actually changed.

I even did something I had been actively avoiding. I took a few pictures with my web cam simply so I could save them for a rainy day when I am feeling depressed about myself.

There is still work to be done. I am not finished yet. I just feel a whole lot better about how I am turning out.

It is just a really nice feeling to know that the reflection in the mirror is changing and for the better.

Sunday, July 4, 2010

Happy 4th of July

I just love fireworks!!!

Friday, July 2, 2010


A little over a week ago I was in the car running some errands.

When my phone rang.

Curious as I wasn't expecting any calls at that time of day.

Well I glanced down at my phone and noticed it was B.

You remember B? I have mentioned him before.

Surprised as I had tried to get a hold of him a few weeks before but had not heard from him.

This is what was said:

"Hello? B?"



"Girl how are you? Sorry I didn't get back with you earlier but I have been really busy. But I want to ask you something."

"Lol, no problem sweetie what can I do for you?"

"Are you free on July 24th?"

"Hmmmm...(My brain quickly churned through my schedule and could not think of anything on the 24th)...Nothing I think, I am completely free that day I believe, why?"

"Well I am having a cookout here at the house my BF and I are hosting it and I would love it if you could come."

(Insert SQUEEEEEEEE!!!!!)

"Really?!? I would love to come, hold on let me just double check my calender really quick."

(Flip to my calender on my phone. Nothing. Zip. Zilch. YAY!!!)

"No I have that day completely free hun."

"Great so you will be there, since I should tell you S and J are already coming, and we would love to have you."

"I will so be there, and thank you sooooo much for inviting me sweetie."

"You are most welcome babe. Oh and just so you know I will have food and stuff but it is BYOB."

"I can handle that. Thank you again. I have to run but I will see you on the 24th if not sooner."

"Awesome, see you then."


I felt like bursting right then and there in the car.

These are the types of things that I want to start doing more of. Just going out being me in everyday settings. I really just want to stop thinking about my gender and just do.

I'll get to met some new people, enjoy some good food and hopefully share in some good times and laughs.

I did get back with B the next day and being me I offered to bring dessert.

So I am going to make my sinfully delicious smores bars. They seem to be the thing to bring to a cookout.

I simply cannot go somewhere and not bring a dish. :D

Have I said 'SQUEEE' yet?