Wednesday, December 8, 2010


Recently one of the people I have disclosed to mentioned the following to someone connected to me.

That I wasn't or haven't considered all the consequences of my transition.


I haven't considered the lost of family or friendships? Maybe face unemployment because I am trans, discrimination or hatred by those that might figure out I wasn't born a woman naturally? All the pain and hurt I have already endured and is still possibly yet to come?

Those are simply the most common ones too. 

I am going to love informing my therapist of this comment. She has heard me discuss my fears ad nauseam. I am fully aware that I might have to reset my entire life to finally have the freedom to be myself. I covered a lot of them myself. She filled in a few I hadn't considered, and between the two of us probably came up with some new ones. 

I spent two years working through that until I felt I was ready to face it. Even while trying to find a way or reason not to transition. Yet I kept coming back to the fact that if I didn't I simply would breakdown from the pressure to be someone else, that I am not. 

Thus this statement greatly insulted me. 

Now I don't know what will actually happen I might have to face every single one of those fears. I might not have had to face any at all (I know that wasn't the case). It is just impossible to predict what you are going to experience for sure or how much.

What causes me to face these is the fact that simply I fear them less then what would happen to me if I don't transition.

I have mentioned before that fear is a very powerful motivator. 

So having experienced glimpses of how much better life could be when I get to be myself 100% of the time. How much more potential I see and feel. Compared to the misery and depression I have to suffer through right now. I feel that I would rather be alive and enjoying my life for once. The fear of not doing so is greater. 

Still the idea that I haven't thought about how transitioning could impact my life irritates me to no end. 

I am already facing some of those consequences and can only wonder at what else will come my way.

That doesn't mean I am stopping or not doing this. 

Thoughts of anything else are simply too bleak.

So that consequence trumps all the others. 


Jessica Lyn said...

I'm guessing that the other person they talked to already knew about you; I'm curious to know what that person said about it... if they stuck up for you or if either of them really knows how much time or how many thoughts went into you transitioning.

This is exactly what my ex wife thought too; like I haven't spent my entire life thinking about who I really am and what I need to do to be that person. It is just because this is all new to them and they haven't gotten to know the real you. If they have, I'm sure they'd be supporting your transition (or at least understanding why you need to do it)... like my ex supports me.