Thursday, October 21, 2010

Not So Fast

I spoke to my Mom last night. 

My Dad drove my Brother back to the airport, just the two of them. 

It wasn't good

Seem to be that the two of them have come to the conclusion that it is the doctors who are pushing me to do this. 


My therapist has even told me that a long time ago she learned that I will do things at my own pace, if at all. She has never pushed but when she makes suggestions or gives her opinion I take my time with them. 

She also didn't stamp my forehead 'Trans' as soon as I walked in. I have been seeing her for nearly three years. 

I never asked her for anything or push to 'get approved' in fact she is known in the trans circles as a tough letter. So she has had fewer trans clients recently because of that. 

This is exactly what I wanted when I first was seeking someone out. 

I needed someone to talk to, to vent my feelings and frustrations. To explore what was going on in my head and just get a valid opinion back. Nothing along the lines of 'you must do this'. She has let me come to my own conclusions but offered guidance and thoughts along the way. 

She really has been the ideal therapist along the way. 

Honestly I think my father and brother are simply looking for someone to blame. 

And there isn't.

This is simply an issue that has been inside me for my entire life and though I tried to suppress it, hide it, or whatever. I simply failed and it began to consume me. 

That was when I sought out help before it completely destroyed me. 

Every decision I have made I have done so of my own accord. It has taken a lot of time, energy and thought, but I know how much happier and content I am when I can just be me. I get little glimpses now and again. Yet that is enough to know how important it is for me to finally be me. 

Though, it appears that in the immediate family I only have my Mom as an ally.

I knew this could happen. I realized a long time ago that I might have to separate myself from the world I knew and create a new one. That people who had been important to me in the past might abandon me. 

Not easy or painless but it can be done. 

Though I was aware of this, it does nothing to lessen the sting of hurt. 

I am just thankful that I have some wonderful friends. One who had me laughing though the tears last night and simply reminded me that there are people out there who do care about me. 

Even though she will claim I am a better friend than she is. 

She couldn't be more wrong. 

I just need to get over the pain and move on. My life it seems will no longer include what I have known. 

Today is a brand new day and life. 


Renee said...

I've never commented here before so I'm not entirely sure of the whole story, but I think you're right on the money when you say they're looking for someone to blame. It's part of the grieving process. Maybe as they work through that they'll eventually come to a point of acceptance and understanding...there's no guarantee, but sometimes all it takes is time.

Jessica Lyn said...

Yep.. this is exactly what my ex and my mom said as well. And Renee is right, it is just part of the process. It's because even though this "news" isn't something new to us, it is new to everyone else, and they jump the gun into thinking that we went to someone one time and they told us we were trans, rather than us knowing who we are or at least that we knew some how were not adding up physically all along.

Though for my ex it wasn't the doctors telling me who I was but rather the people I talked to online.. but it never crossed her mind, until I told her, that I didn't just come upon a trans website.. I searched them out.

And also, all because your brother is saying this, doesn't mean he wont still love you.

Kelli Bennett said...

You both are right and so have others.

I can only hope it all works out in the end but it just hurts, even though I was acutely aware it could and would come.

I knew I had an issue when I was quite young. I didn't fully understand it until around puberty when the girls were changing one way and I wasn't. I just felt there was nothing I could do about it. Nor did I really know how to explain it to myself let alone someone else.

Sadly it has brought me to this point that I have to do something.

Jerica Truax said...

Well I hope they come around and realize this. Sometimes people want to blame SOMEBODY.

My own parents blame my therapist or even "online forums" for brainwashing me and "turning me trans". So yeah....

Gina Lee said...

I have to say that I agree that you take your time and make your own decisions at your own pace. (Except of course for those peep toe high heel booties from Nine West!)

I am actually very relieved with the reaction from your brother. Given the circumstances, it was a really positive reaction for a guy. The most important thing is that he didn't close any doors with you! He obviously does care for you. The rest will come with time.

I loved the story about the waitress "maam'ing" you repeatedly while at dinner. They are just going to have to get used to it and might as well start now!

Kelli Bennett said...

@Gina, Well those things are super hot!!! How could I pass up a super cute shoe like that?

As for what comes with time? Right now I don't know. I can live with that. It isn't about them anymore. It is about me. Sadly we have to seem very selfish to do this, but really it is our life not someone else's.

Gina Lee said...

It is not being selfish! If you don't take care of you, no one else will. But from what I can tell, if you were ever seriously in trouble for whatever reason, I really do believe that the troups would come galloping to your rescue, led by your mother! You have done all that you can for them. Kelli needs you now! Go girl!