Not So Fast

I spoke to my Mom last night. 

My Dad drove my Brother back to the airport, just the two of them. 

It wasn't good

Seem to be that the two of them have come to the conclusion that it is the doctors who are pushing me to do this. 

???

My therapist has even told me that a long time ago she learned that I will do things at my own pace, if at all. She has never pushed but when she makes suggestions or gives her opinion I take my time with them. 

She also didn't stamp my forehead 'Trans' as soon as I walked in. I have been seeing her for nearly three years. 

I never asked her for anything or push to 'get approved' in fact she is known in the trans circles as a tough letter. So she has had fewer trans clients recently because of that. 

This is exactly what I wanted when I first was seeking someone out. 

I needed someone to talk to, to vent my feelings and frustrations. To explore what was going on in my head and just get a valid opinion back. Nothing along the lines of 'you must do this'. She has let me come to my own conclusions but offered guidance and thoughts along the way. 

She really has been the ideal therapist along the way. 

Honestly I think my father and brother are simply looking for someone to blame. 

And there isn't.

This is simply an issue that has been inside me for my entire life and though I tried to suppress it, hide it, or whatever. I simply failed and it began to consume me. 

That was when I sought out help before it completely destroyed me. 

Every decision I have made I have done so of my own accord. It has taken a lot of time, energy and thought, but I know how much happier and content I am when I can just be me. I get little glimpses now and again. Yet that is enough to know how important it is for me to finally be me. 

Though, it appears that in the immediate family I only have my Mom as an ally.

I knew this could happen. I realized a long time ago that I might have to separate myself from the world I knew and create a new one. That people who had been important to me in the past might abandon me. 

Not easy or painless but it can be done. 

Though I was aware of this, it does nothing to lessen the sting of hurt. 

I am just thankful that I have some wonderful friends. One who had me laughing though the tears last night and simply reminded me that there are people out there who do care about me. 

Even though she will claim I am a better friend than she is. 

She couldn't be more wrong. 

I just need to get over the pain and move on. My life it seems will no longer include what I have known. 

Today is a brand new day and life.