Tuesday, November 25, 2008

The History of Kelli - Episode IV

So where was I? Is there such a things a GPS for a blog?

Alrighty, now to pickup where our intrepid hero left off. I am entering the Junior year of my HS career. Almost no friends to speak of, trying to figure out who I am.

(I should note that due to having been born with enlarged tonsils, having a late birthday in the year. My parents had the option to put me in early figuring that if I got sick and got held back because of missing to much school, I could still graduate reasonably on time the next year. Low and behold I never got another throat infection until after I graduated. So I was always younger then my immediate peers.)

I did manage however. I started hanging out with a new group of friends shortly after the school year started. But they were guys. And guys, guys at that. Crude, funny, but loyal and non judgmental. Seriously it was a very diverse group of people. But no one judged or complained. Most of them had known each other much longer and didn't care what anyone thought of them or the members of the group. They just were.

So I'd let some of my snarky side out and be a little over the top and I fell right into place.

But again they were men. I didn't know what else to do. I still talked to a quite a few girls. Was good friend with a few. Now however you are throwing testosterone into the mix. I always felt at home with girls, but now my brain is trying to tell me I should be attracted to them too. Which didn't make any of this any easier. Also my beard is now starting to show. I hated it, I always have disliked shaving and to this day think I look better with a hairless face. Mix in the fact that my beard is very patchy, as in even when I tried to make a go of it, it has bald spots, thus looking terrible. *sigh*

Back to girls, the hard thing was trying to date them. Really it was always awkward and I felt like I was always trying to ask my sister out. Lets just say my dating career during HS did not go smoothly or even had much success. Again meeting and becoming friends was a no brainer. It happened quite easily and felt natural. Trying to ask one out since my second brain was telling me that I should...I failed, almost always.

I did manage, I tried to make a go of it for a while, stuck to the guy stuff. (Again, I would say I had one foot firmly on both sides of the fence. I do know, looking back, that I would have preferred being on the girls side, being the tomboy from time to time. Rather then what I was.) Did my best to curtail the crossdressing exploration, sometimes doing well, sometimes not.

Forcing my way to the end of my time there. It was a good time overall. I have a lot of fond memories of the people and times. But still, overall, I felt out of place and confused about myself. As I look back I was fooling everyone else enough to fool myself that I was happy. When really, I probably wasn't.

After getting out before I started college I had a chance to really go all out. I spent money on my own clothes, spending a couple of weeks home alone after work being a girl. And I went all out. Head to toe I bought it all. When I got home from work, girl time, until I had to go to work in the morning. Most of my friends probably wondered where I was since I didn't tell them anything and I didn't go out much. I, of course, didn't go out at all since I was terrified. I did have a great time, loving every minute I got to be a girl.

At the end of that time I looked at myself hard in the mirror. Told myself I couldn't be this way. That I could not keep the clothes, and that there was nothing I could do about being the girl I wanted to be. I was stuck being a guy. This was really the only purge I ever did. All of it went and I did my best to forget about it. Starting college, working full time, moving, all took up my time in massive amounts.

The girl faded into the background. I even felt she was gone all together.

Or so I thought.

But that is another story.

...to be continued. 


alan said...

Forgive my absence of late, I was caught up in "the whirl" of family and a spouse on vacation...

High school wasn't easy for me; like you, graduating at 17 and I never fit in to any group. I can only imagine your added conundrums!

Looking forward to more of your story!

(Odd captcha: "thenchic")


Kelli Bennett said...

I wouldn't say it was really difficult. Just uneasy, I did an excellent job of fooling everyone including myself to some degree. You'll see this in the next chapter.

Don't worry I've been super busy too. With the holiday's and everything I haven't had much time to write the next entry, though I do know what I want to say.