Friday, February 19, 2010

The Nightmare Before Transition

"The only thing we have to fear is fear itself." -- Franklin Delano Roosevelt

Call it abhorrence, agitation, anxiety, aversion, cold feet, consternation, cowardice, despair, discomposure, dismay, distress, doubt, dread, fainthearted, foreboding, fright, horror, misgiving, nightmare, panic, phobia, scared, suspicion, terror, timidity, trepidation, unease, or worry.

It is all the same thing.


I thought about this long and hard recently.

I am perplex about how, even though we know it is only manifested in our head, we allow it to still control our lives.

Think about it.

Fear drove me to hide who I am for almost 25 years.

Fear caused me to repress entire parts of my personality.

Fear was the reason I never lived on my own.

Fear forced me to stay in the house even thought I wanted nothing more to go out and show the world who I really was.

Fear determined much of my path in life.

Fear overwhelmed the quiet voice inside that was me.

Fear closed so many doors for so long that I am now fearful of opening them.

Fear has so long been a part of my life that it now feels like a constant companion.

I would almost feel lonely without fear.

For all the bad though I can't say fear has always been a complete negative in my life.

Fear is the reason I am still here talking to you today. For if not for Fear I would not be here today.

Still, Fear, as had far too large an influence on my life.

The truly sad part is that it still does.

Though I have managed to get better at dealing with it along with having grown a great deal in controlling it.

The wonderful new part is the new fears.

Imagine if you will the fact that old fears are disappearing. I am much more comfortable being out as me. I have gained a great deal of confidence in the way I present myself. I am not longer afraid of who I am. I have embraced it.

I am not afraid of what society thinks of me. I just want to be me.

So what am I afraid of?

I am afraid of my family's reaction when I tell them and that is coming very soon.

I am fearful that people will still insist on thinking I am still him and never truly let me let go of him.

I am scared that I won't be able to make the changes to my physical appearance.

I have anxiety that even if I do it won't be enough or look right.

I worry that I will end up all alone. By that I mean friends and family.

I am terrified others will see me as not who I am but what they think I am.

I panic about how it will affect my employment status.

I have nightmares that I will forever be stuck between two genders never able to truly be myself. Since my past and/or my physical short comings won't allow it.

All these fears do is cast doubt over everything I am doing. I don't doubt who I am. I don't doubt how I want to change my life. I also don't doubt how I want to live going forward.

I just doubt that I can be as successful as I want to be.

Now don't get me wrong, I fully intend to continue moving forward. It isn't easy to look Fear in the eye and back it down. I am doing just that but it has taken a lot to over come some of the fears I have had to just get to where I am.

I take a lot of solace in that.

Which helps as I go forward.

I have learned a great deal about myself over the last two years. While I might be locked in a long fight with Fear, I am confident I can defeat him.

The battles however are never pretty and no one ever comes out unscathed.

Such is the nature of fighting Fear.

    "Collective fear stimulates herd instinct, and tends to produce ferocity toward those who are not regarded as members of the herd." -- Bertrand Russell

    "Perhaps the most important thing we can undertake toward the reduction of fear is to make it easier for people to accept themselves, to like themselves." -- Bonaro W. Overstreet

    "Death is not the biggest fear we have; our biggest fear is taking the risk to be alive -- the risk to be alive and express what we really are." -- Don Miguel Ruiz

    "Only when we are no longer afraid do we begin to live." -- Dorothy Thompson

    "Ultimately we know deeply that the other side of every fear is a freedom." -- Marilyn Ferguson

    "People are never more insecure than when they become obsessed with their fears at the expense of their dreams." -- Norman Cousins


Jerica Truax said...

Aww girl I can understand and relate to many of your fears. I'm glad you are able to acknowledge them and then push forward. I think that is what true courage is.


<3 Jerica

Jessica Lyn said...

I agree with Jerica and you.. I am not as far along as either one of you but I know who I am and I do have those fears.. only way to go is forward.

I think the worst fear I have is living the rest of my life as a guy.. now that is a scary thought.