Wednesday, February 10, 2010

"You're a mess!"

These words were said to me last week by a very good friend. They caught me off guard causing me to think about what she said.


Because in her defense she was right.

In my defense my GID had come roaring up in Godzilla like proportions and was stomping around in my head much like he does to some poor metropolis.

It was that bad.

I am struggling with a number of issues all at once.

Some of them good along with the bad.

First I am finding it harder and harder to present him. I get up every morning and as I get ready for work I have to calm myself as I get dressed. Order my thoughts and find that place in my head where he exists. These are the technics my theater instructor trained me so very well on back in HS. I rely on them heavily.

But that doesn't mean that I don't feel uncomfortable as him. I do a great deal. It gets even worse as I physically change even more and draw more stares as him then I do as me.

But then to compound the issue, I find myself still not able to fully be myself with out a little help. They just so happen to be two very key areas.

This causes me to get bitchy about it. Which only adds fuel to the GID monster.

You have to keep in mind that when I first sat down and realized I had to start the self evaluating process, seek therapy, figure what exactly was causing all the discontent all these years.

I felt no push to do anything, simply it was just try and figure it all out, just a feeling that it was time to stop trying to ignore the problem and face it head on.

With that in mind I took my time, talked it out, analyzed what was going on in my head, sought out professional assistance, and tried to determine what the issue really was.

Well I figured it out. I finally accepted the issue, embraced it and now know what my course of action is.

It is now that I have reached this point. My goodness do I feel the push but I seem to be moving in slow motion.

Now I do feel that it is necessary to take my time and let nature take it course on some things. I also need that time to prepare so that I can talk to family members and generally get ready for what is about to come.

But I want to spend time as me, I am happier, calmer, more relaxed and a better person when I can let myself just be.

But I am fighting the fact that me doesn't come 100% naturally do me. I have a lot of things that work for me, but two major parts, my hair and chest (and really more of the former) drives me crazy.

I also realized last week that I truly do hate switching back and forth. I don't want to do it anymore and I want to just let go of him.

But I can't just yet.

Which just fueled the GID monster even more.

So I feel totally caught in a catch 22.

And it is crushing me like a vice.

I feel uncomfortable as him. I feel like I am lying to a degree being me.

A session at therapy didn't help. I got home 'had' to change and just felt angry at everything, me, my situation, the unfairness, the slowness, and everything.

And it had nothing to do with the clothes, it never does, it just the feeling that I have to 'attempt' to bottle everything back up. Changing is just a symbolic reference to start restricting myself and find him again.

Which is something I don't want to do anymore.

At this point the monster had enough energy and out it came.

To make matters worse I was feeling this frustration and I was on the eve of embarking on a weekend trip to do one of my favorite activities. Downhill Skiing, yep I have been hooked ever since I was twelve and first learned how. Not to mention I got quite good at it. It was something I could enjoy and my gender didn't matter.

I should have been looking forward to this, yet I was more upset about my gender then I think I have ever been. Maybe I was upset cause I had to do something I love as 'him', and was jealous I don't know for sure.

Which was upsetting me royally. When I mentioned all this to my friend she basically told me the title of this post.

As I mentioned she was right. I was a mess, for a number of reasons. Sillier still when I got nothing but ma'amed all weekend long without even trying. Not to mention a lot of second glances and what not since I am quite sure that even thought I was attempting to be a boy I was either confusing people or not doing a good job of convincing them I was a boy.

I still feel some discord about my appearance I do want to fix these things so people will hopefully stop looking quizzically at me or at least accept me for what I am presenting them in the future.

Maybe it is because I am starting to look so androgynous in general and that I don't fully feel comfortable in either role just as is. I guess the saying 'between a rock and a hard place' makes sense here. I feel as though I am trapped between who I was and who I really am.

I have relaxed a bit, settled myself down, and chased the GID monster away.

Though it will be an interesting year if everything that I think is going to happen does happen.

I'll just have to be more wary that my GID could come roaring back at any time.