Friday, August 27, 2010

Close Encounters of the Unkind

This last Sunday my parents actually stopped by my house for an errand.

You heard that right, I said parents, as in plural. Both my Mother and my Father.

As you know my Mother is very supportive and is gathering steam regarding this issue. As difficult as she can be sometimes I have to give her credit for everything she has done thus far.

I don't want her to have to go to the mattresses for me regarding anything. Yet my Father is another story.

They were at my place for about fifteen or twenty minutes.

I never felt so unwelcome somewhere and it was my own home.

He spoke very little towards me, and what he said was very matter of fact and to the point.

He said nothing else after I answered or asked me to elaborate.

I tried to be normal and kept things simple, however I don't think it worked.

On top of that I was out of the room but I over heard a conversation about me. I don't know exactly what was said but I overheard the response.

"Why should I care about him?"

It didn't help to hear the spitefulness in his voice. At this point I feel that it isn't even angry tolerance but actual hatred I am getting.

I know I was risking the collapse of my relationship with my parents when I came out to them. It was a major reason I waited so long to tell them. I had to make certain I understood who I was, accepted it and was prepared to do something about it.

Once you tell someone that you are transsexual you cannot un-tell them.

A good friend suggested that he was going dealing with a lot of anger. I also know my mother has told me he is embarrassed regarding me now.

Funny thing is as my parents get older (they are in their late 60's) out of the two children I am the one they expected to take care of things should anything happen. I care about my Brother a lot but let me just say he is not very responsible at all.

I will find it interesting should something happen to my Mom and I am forced to take care of my Dad.

I can see the arguments now regarding me having to represent as his daughter and making the claim that he doesn't have one.

Still my Mom is going to try and work on him slowly though it is her belief that he will fight it until it just cannot be denied. That I will be who I am completely and indisputably in front of him.

Until then I think he will view me as his freakish son who he doesn't want to acknowledge.

And that is what became very clear to me this past weekend.


Halle said...

We have huge expectations of parents. Maybe it is because as children they are our universe for quite a while.

You have an ally in your mother. That is wonderful. She is working on 'her husband' to be a better father. Believe it, there is no manual for being a good parent, and sometimes we mess up (spoken like a person with a couple of thirty-something offspring) big-time.

I hope he comes around to how wonderful a daughter you can be for him, and when he comes around he does so in such a way that you can build a new relationship with him.


Anonymous said...

It has taken my parents a full year to be able to be able to act nicely and warmly to me during a visit. And even then I was reminded that they were making a great effort to do so, and I ought to appreciate it (which I actually did, but the fact that they thought they needed to remind me was cute).

In my case it's my dad rather than my mom proving the more accepting of the two. I hear through my sister that he's been slowly working on helping my mom come around, but he never tells me such things. If your mom is on your side, try to give her some time to work on your dad. It will definitely take longer than you feel it ought to, but he might just come around eventually.

Kelli Bennett said...

Don't worry all I can do is hope that Mom can get him to come around. I might help too once I am full time and he has no choice to start dealing with it.

I just felt the need to vent the story as a way of dealing with it. That is largely what this blog is for me.

Jerica Truax said...

Hey girl. Ouch. Hearing that had to hurt twofold. I think you have the right idea to hope that he will come around at some point though. The fact that your mom is supportive is HUGE. It's still hard in the meantime, I know. *hugs*

<3 Jerica

Anonymous said...

Your story sounds very familiar to me. My father acts much the same. But my mother is against it as well. We get along swimmingly about everything else and enjoy spending time with each other, so I'm simply holding out hope that when my mom gets old enough and has alzheimer's (which is a very likely possibility) that I will be able to take care of her and that we'll get along again, seeing as she will not remember me. Although this will all hinge on two factors: one, I'm expecting my mom to outlive my dad, of course... and two, I've always told my mom that I'll never let her be put in an elderly home.

Gina Lee said...

Hi Kelli! I am really going to miss seeing you this year! a LOT! But you clearly have more pressing matters to deal with now. I truly feel for you. Being shunned by a parent hurts so much. Hopefully your dad will mellow with time, and it always amazes me how persuasive a mom can be. I have so much admiration for your mom! She certainly knows what her priorities in life are. Kind of like you!

Kelli Bennett said...

Gina!! Don't think for a second that I am not upset by not seeing you this year. I have three people I only would have this opportunity to spend time with and I am so sad I cannot. Right now I could use some dear friends.

I will say I do intend to get down there in the future. It is the only chance I have to see some people I truly care about.

Stace said...

That's a terrible thing to overhear... As everyone has said I hope that your mum can bring him around in time.

Good luck,