Thursday, May 27, 2010

My How Things Have Changed.

Today marks an important day in my history.

Because one year ago today I did something that changed my life forever.

It was today that I visited a doctor for the first time with my letter for HRT in hand.

It was today that I took the prescription to the pharmacy to have it filled.

It was today took Estrogen into my body for the first time.

Hard to fathom that was one year ago already.

I was so scared about how my body would react. Would it accept what was being put into it? Would I be able to handle the changes not only physically but mentally as well? Would I have an unhealthy reaction to it?

These were mysteries I didn't know. Requiring a leap of faith that not only would they work for me but that I would, not only handle what was to come, but also accept it.

I can honestly say that today I am surprised how it has all progressed. Not to mention how good I feel having been on them.

On a mental level I feel calmer, more relaxed and less at odds with myself. (Granted I still have the issue of not living full time as me, which tweaks my emotions quite a bit). I just feel I am more myself upstairs. Less inner conflict you could say. Though I will note that emotions have been an interesting experience.

Not so much as having them, or feeling out of control.  As I have always had them it was more of an issue I always had to just kept them well hidden. No, it is the intensity, they come easier and with much more punch. I laugh harder, cry longer, get excited more. There is just a lot more ka-pow to them.

They come easily, fast, strong and go just as quickly sometimes unless there is something to sustain them along.

I just haven't experience the roller coaster out of control type that some people talk about. Since when they do come there is a reason for them.

The biggest concern is, I still have to be careful when I display them, work and those that don't know yet aren't ready to see them.

That will come with time.

Physically has been equally amazing. For the first time ever in my life I am starting to feel like my body is mine. I have suffered a lot of angst over the years that is was never mine. It didn't fit. Now slowly that is not the case anymore. I love the changes that have occurred.

My skin is indeed softer. My facial features are also softer. I have had a resurgence of hair growing on my head. Now not everything is back but the hairline is much thicker and fuller today.

I notice it most when I look at older pictures that it is indeed different.

Now one thing I was curious about was the changes my figure would have. Now I normally don't break out the tape measure at all. I certainly wasn't going to check month to month or something absurd like that. However last year I did measure myself to try and see what would happen, if at all.

What I got was 35-29-39 (Chest-Waist-Hips) Yeah, those numbers surprise a lot of people when I do tell them.

Those aren't very normal for a guy. Especially pre-HRT.

But then again, I guess I never really was one.

Where am I at today?

Good question and since I was curious myself I pulled out the tape measure again.

35-28-40 (ok not quite 40 but over 39.5 which is close enough)

So things have change. Now some will note that the first number didn't budge. Yet I have developed a tastefully understated chest. They are obviously there, I can't hide them very well under a single shirt anymore.

Not to mention toplessness at the pool is a thing of the past.

Yet why no change in that particular number?

I have a hunch what it might be.

I have noted several people over the last year are under the impression I have lost yet more weight than I already have.

Which I haven't.

Last year at this time, I hovered around 140lbs. (Which is a weight I have carried for over a year prior to then.) Today I seem to linger at 138lbs.

Which I would think isn't enough to really notice. Yet people kept stating that I needing to stop losing weight. Which had me curious as to why they would think that since over the course of almost three years the scale has hardly moved.

Then it occurred to me why they might think I was loosing weight.


No that is not a typo. Most of these people who have mentioned this have in the last year have hugged me on occasion. Taking into account that these were dear friends or close family that gesture of affection is going to happen.

What they were noticing was that I had a lack of upper body mass that has occurred. I don't notice it as much since I really cannot give myself a hug. But they can.

And when I kept hearing this repeatedly, over the course of several months I could help but wonder why they thought that.

They were noticing there was less of me from the waist up and since there was less of me in their arms as they hugged me.

I have noticed myself some of my snugger fitting coats and jackets now feeling much more roomy when I wear them.

Which leads me back to the first number. If I had been more diligent I would have measured myself under my bust line last year, as I measured the fullest part since I thought that would change the most.

Very likely that will still happen but I think I have less mass around my ribcage or just below them. As of right now it is 34.5. However without that number from this time last year I cannot confirm the change. Still I wouldn't be surprised if I was right.

I do find all this fascinating. I doesn't bother me one way or the other what has happened. I just know that if feels right and I am very happy with how I look figure wise then I ever have before. Though I was always happy with that for the most part even before starting HRT.

Though if I changed a little more physically I wouldn't be upset.

One last item of note. For years I was about five feet eight inches tall. Just a bit under eight and a half.

Since others have noted a height decrees also I did measure this making a mark on the wall. Which I have followed up with this week.

What did I see?

Well a different mark lower then the first one with a final measurement of five feet seven and one half inch. On the button.

Again I am in total astonishment at just how much and what has changed. I highly doubt I will ever sit down and do this again anytime soon. Maybe next year but I doubt it. I was mostly documenting this to see if anything would change at all.

Which it really has.

As I move forward, however, I will mostly rely on how I feel and look as to if I notice any other changes. I may re-think that this time next year, but I doubt it. I have satisfied my curiosity and I would be happy not ever doing it again.

Truth of the matter is I wasn't too concerned with what would or would not change. I was mostly happy with what I looked like I never really was a overly masculine boy, while also not being a super feminine one either. Though I did lean toward that side of the gender spectrum. Mostly I was just curious what if anything would happen.

It is nice though have a sense of my body starting to align with my head. Along with my head no longer having to fight that masculine presence trying to assert itself that constantly gnawed at me and slowly was driving me crazy.

I like it and it is all very welcome.

I just think this journey will always continue to amaze me.


Melissa said...

You are very fortunate to be so small in physical stature. You are well within the physical parameters of most females. You won't have any problems at all, being accepted as a woman. And best of all, you will never have any trouble finding shoes and clothing to fit you, although that could be more of a curse than a blessing, unless you are very disciplined with your credit card!

Melissa XX