Saturday, May 8, 2010

My Doors

In a recent post I might have mentioned closing doors so that I can open others.

While this is a very metaphysical statement it is also true to some degree.

There are certain things I haven't talked about.

With reason.

I doubt I will go into any real detail now about it either. Thought I will try to clear up any confusion that is occurring with my audience.

(Ok that is a shock to the system. I have readers and it appears quite a few of them. I never really thought I would as I was just putting down my thoughts and feelings almost two years ago. Yet here I am with all of you.)

This is what I will tell you. I am in a relationship and have been for quite sometime now.

The word decade comes to mind.

She has know almost since I came out to myself. Which was nearly two and a half years ago.

There have been talks, fights, discussions, etc. Long story short and without revealing personal information she does not want to remain together as two women. I will be forced to close this chapter in my life to open the new one that I want.

Not to mention I want the freedom to find myself. I do not feel that it is fair to her that I place her secondary in my life to rediscover who I am. Really my life as a woman is whole an unknown to me. About the only element I have gotten to do is figure out that I am a girl. I have been able to experience life through eyes different then those I have use thus far.

The difference is I haven't had to monitor everything I did and gotten to see how the outside world responded to it.

With this in mind there is so much to learn about myself and what I want out of life as me. I know something aren't going to change. Items or interests of substance are what they are. Granted I should be able to get the chance to explore other things that I have always wanted to since I won't be avoiding them.

These are all doors that will open up for me.

As for others I have already closed some of them. It doesn't upset me to much as I understand I have outgrown them. It was simply time to move forward.

For the remaining doors they are always up to me if I can keep them open. I may be able to do just that if I can, as some of them I want to keep open if at all possible.

The issue is that it might be others who will close those doors as they will not be able to accept or deal with my function change.

I had a fantastic conversation a few months ago with a woman who had finished her transition quite some time ago. She told me not to expect anything. Those that you think are going to accept it might not. Those that you think won't, will surprise you. There really is no way to tell how it is going to go. Just be yourself since anything can happen.

So here I am with all types of doors in front of me. Some open, some closed.

What happens with them is anybodies guess. Some are going to remain open while others will be closed. Some those that get closed will be by me, for different doors by others.

In certain cases it may be closed by both. Mutually.

This woman also told me that her life was far better now that she had transitioned from what it was before.

All I can hope for is that far more new doors open than close.


Jessica Lyn said...

I said this before, but my life seems to have so much in common with yours... and leaving my wife was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do... while we are no longer together, luckily we are still very close friends. Our relationship has changed, I wouldn't say for the better, cuz we both miss what we had, but now that she accepts me for who I really am, its a nice change of pace and almost like I was always a girl to her.

I have also closed some doors (on old friends) didnt even give them the chance to know Jess cuz she just didnt need or want them in her life. The friends I did come out to are still friends so I guess I'm lucky.. for now.

Good luck hun, I hope you two can still remain as friends too.

Jerica Truax said...

Well girl I can completely relate to the relationship. My ex and I will be officially divorced next month and it's been hard on both of us. I know that this is how it has to be for similar reasons as you have stated but sadly my ex still wishes and dreams that things will go back to the way they used to be. =/

I can only hope that with time, she will come to reality.