Wednesday, May 12, 2010

How Do You Do It?

Interesting question this one was.

I probably should provide some sort of context for this one.

This was asked by my partner in crime in reference to how I manage to not collapse completely in the face of everything I am experiencing.

As you know I am keeping an extremely positive frame of mind regarding this.

I did tell her it isn't easy. I still have to come out to a lot of people who are not going to always understand what I am doing or why I feel this way.

While keeping in mind that they then might try to talk me out of it or suggest that I should take other measures to deal with this.

Then there are the physical changes I still want to make to achieve a look that doesn't tell people who or what I was, just convey that I am a girl. I have no issue with my function. I just don't want to be reminded or hassled if I can avoid it.

(Side note I have a post dealing with this in the works but it hasn't been an easy one to write.)

After that I reminded her about the group settings in DC where she knew about my near panic attacks and massive anxiety about attending them.

Which then prompted the explanation from me that the only thing keeping going without a complete meltdown was the fact that I have set some things into motion to go forward.

Even with the thoughts of the inevitable resistance I am going to get from people about transitioning, so be it.

If people feel it is up to them to get into my way and impede what I need to do, then I will either go around them or remove them from my path.

Another situation that I pointed out is how more reclusive I have become as him. I love to go out as me. In fact I have some very public events that I planning on attending in the near future as me with friends.

However as him I don't even want to go beyond the house and work.

It is at a times like this that I am thankful my older brother was so good at instilling the mantra of sometimes you just have to suck it up and deal with it.

Because really that is what I am doing.

I suffer bouts of depression, anger, anxiety, frustration, etc.

Almost daily.

It cannot be helped I know the reality of where I am at, these feelings are going to come.

I just deal with them as best I can by telling myself that things are going to change and for the better. I am working on plans, things have been set into motion. I will get there.

And that is how I do it.

If I knew I was completely stuck with no hope going forward I would have fallen apart a long time ago.


Halle said...

Kelli you are so right about having to know you are moving forward.
Nothing says crisis time better than telling the girl "no, we are not going to do something about this"! As you say, the big decision is how to do it.
Every one of us in this sisterhood have no choice but to find what helps us. It might not work for anyone else, and we know that. It is what makes us some of the most accepting and caring people there are (in my humble opinion! hehe).
Thanks for the reminder of these things!