Sunday, December 27, 2009

One Headlight

Well as I have mentioned here I have been doing the holidays as him this year. It will be the last year I do so. If I have anything to say about it.

While awkward it had been manageable.

However Christmas Eve I spent with my family. These are the people who bear or have borne my last name.

These are the people I have spent the most time with growing up.

In that group are four first cousins that are all girls.

Three of them and myself are close in age. We all graduated HS in about a six year span. We also worked together at the same summer job for about two years. At least that was the length of time we were all there.

I think you get the point that most of us were close.

Spending time with them growing up allowed me some freedom to be myself.

So I always looked forward to seeing them at Christmas Eve.

That looks like it might have changed.

So this last Eve I did my best him, put on a shirt and tie...god how I hate them...styled my hair and away we went.

Now the evening for the most part was fine.

Though I think everyone did a double take when I walked in trying to figure out who I was.

And one of my cousins made mention after giving me a hug that I seemed a little thin. (Well for a guy I am)

I spent time catching up, chatting, talking with all the little ones. The older ones now in college and the cousins I grew up with.

Things were fine and I wasn't too uncomfortable.

As I mentioned I do like them and I was hoping that of any part of my family they would be my best hope for support when I come out.

Late in the evening I had moved across the room to talk to my Aunt about my trip to Alaska I had taken in August.

Before I got to tell those stories something else came up.

I am not sure what prompted it or cause it. But my eldest cousin starting telling a story about being out at a restaurant or tavern with her daughter and another friend of my cousins'.

She started to relate how they were sitting at a bar, I think, and she heard click-clack across the floor and looking over someone else shoulder she saw 'it'.

She was stunned and horrified that she could not take her eyes off only what could be described as a man in a dress. Burly and lumbering to the bathroom. Then 'it' marched back to where ever 'it' was sitting.

She was horrified, shocked and disgusted by what she saw. She joked about the terrible dress and bad wig. There were comments from her party about how they wanted to know what bathroom 'it' used. Coupled with a fair number of jokes along with some anti-gay ones.

I honestly don't know what exactly was said at this point. I was simply too stunned and sad to even register the exact words.

All I saw was the callous attitude and disgust in her voice along with the chorus of the others around her.

I also watched my hope of support from these people sink like a stone. I was literally kicked in the stomach as this happened.

As I mentioned I had moved across the room to talk to my Aunt. I am thankful I had done this as it placed me on the far side of the room with my back to most everyone else.

Only my Aunt could see my face and I don't think she was paying attention to me. All I can hope is that I held everything in enough, along with keeping my face expressionless enough not to be noticed.

Now understand there is a part of the transgender community that I don't connect with. I don't identify myself as a crossdresser nor do I think I fit in with them. There is an aspect of it that even I find a bit disturbing or even creepy. They think they get me and don't. Along with I don't understand most of them.

There is a time and place for everything, but some people are just too over the top and being out in general public might not be the best idea.

So there might have been some justification in this person's appearance for the criticism. I don't know and I cannot comment.

It is the attitude I saw that worried me because as I don't feel I fit in with the crossdressing community I do worry that others might only see me as such and do their best to remind me of this fact as I transition. This is my biggest fear.

And that isn't just me. I am glad my therapist has told me the same thing along with several others.

I cannot tell you how glad I was that I didn't have to stay much longer then this and I was able to go home and spend the rest of the night on the couch with my stuffed moose trying not to cry to much, but I was miserable.

It is a reason I might have to walk away from the life I now have to get the life I want. Otherwise they might not be able to accept me and be detrimental to my transition. I don't feel it is running away as much as removing the obstacle from my path.

But today I feel as if the road I am traveling just became a little dimmer as I lost a bit more light to see it by.


Jessica Lyn said...

I feel the same way and have been in similar conversations with friends before and my mom has made several anti-gay remarks in recent past in front of me and as I've said, she already knows about me... she just chooses to not talk about it.

I only see fit to reference my own comments about the Shinedown song I posted last week or so... the lyrics say, "Sometimes goodbye is a second chance.".. though it's going to be a tough road ahead either way, for you and me both.

Melissa said...

What you have just described, sounds so familiar. I wonder how many of us have sat in a room full of people in boy mode, and cringed as we had to listen to similar comments being made about another trans person? Probably most of us. I wouldn't dismiss the people making those comments outright though. People most often speak like that out of ignorance. Often after getting to know someone who is transitioning, or has already completed transition, they slowly come around to accept it. Still, I often think the the best way to transition, if you can afford to is to move far away, get it over with, and then return and confront friends and family after the transition has been completed. They are then put in a position of having to make up their minds whether to accept or reject you. Once they see that the situation is irreversible, and they have no influence over you, I think they would be more inclined to simply accept it as a fact of life.

The scene in the bar that you described, is one of the reasons I am reluctant to go out in public much. That girl probably thought she looked pretty good, compared to what she looked like in boy mode, but didn't realize how sad she may have looked to others. We all want to look good, but for some that is just not achievable. Should they refrain from being themselves? I know post-op women, who even after years of hormones and facial hair removal, still look like "men in dresses", and always will.

Melissa XX

Leslie Ann said...

I second what Melissa said. This was an unfortunate judging of someone unknown to them. It's easy to have fun at the expense of an odd looking stranger. They know you, and love you. That makes all the difference in how they perceive transsexualism. It's not guaranteed, but I'd bet they will surprise you.

Kelli Bennett said...

Thank you all for the responses. I am aware when they find out, and yes I will tell them, they might view this issue differently because it is me.

But in light of what happened I am simply not counting on it. I just hope I get lucky at this point.