Thursday, December 10, 2009

Post cards from the edge

Just so no one is alarmed the last post wasn't anything bad, just a reflection of what I am feeling.

I caught the song on my mp3 player recently and it struck a nerve, but I didn't understand why until just the other day.

I know I am going to transition, it might take me a while to start living full time (early plans are before year's end in 2010) I realized my life as him will come to a close.

I got that, understood it, and don't have any complaints.

However I have noted something rather profound.

I play the part of him so well. That no one, not even my parents knows who I am.

Really I spent 20 years learning how to act like a guy. Studied and learned.

Being naturally inquisitive helped. I know a lot regarding a lot of topics.

I might not follow sports like most, but I understand them. I am not going to be confused when around them.

And some of them I actually like.

It is things like that that I am noticing.

Being at my parents for thanksgiving (and no they don't know about me yet)

My dad started talking football. What can I do, I played along. Again I learned from those around me how the game is played, etc. So I can answer the questions or make comments when I need to.

However I have never been one to sit down and blow a Sunday watching, I never had that obcession with most sports that way.

(I'll make the exception for Ice Hockey, I love it. Granted I only watch the local home team and have no interest in it any other time. But as a child I was taken to a lot of the games and just though it was so cool to see a game played on ice that way. So the playoffs in the spring are my only sporting obsession)

Though I do watch the olympics, and I will watch games when they have some meaning or my favorite team is playing in a big game. I like to cheer for them.

But the rest of the time I don't follow everything that is going on. Nor get angry when they don't win. That is all part of life.

It happens.

But I learned them, I felt I had to, also being an active child didn't hurt, I liked to run and jump so I did participate from time to time with those that suited me. Most didn't.

So while I can and do enjoy them sometimes, they were only ever a large part of my life due to the fact that those around them enjoyed them.

The next thing that struck me was things that came up during a recent car pooling trip with a friend. We live and work reasonably close to one another so in order to save a little we have been trying to drive together a few days a week.

Now this friend falls into the more geekier group that I hung out with. I had a very active imagination. Music, art, theater, reading were big in my childhood, still are. So I kinda gravitated toward that crowd to a degree. Plus it was an accepting group since my oddness I exposed was mostly overlooked.

So we stopped on the way home this week since he is a comic book collector. I know, his age and still reading comic books, but there are some good stories in there if you can find them.

Me? I'll stick to novels, but I did read a few in my younger days. In my history I mentioned reading a lot to escape my reality or as much of it as I could.

Certain things were discussed and I found myself pulling out memories that served their purpose for the discussion but seem to me they were items I pulled off the shelf for reference. Much like I did when I was talking to my father about football.

So I have this all swirling around in my head thinking about how much my life has been moving from one distraction to another, while trying to find some peace within myself.

This is one reason I spent so much time alone when I was younger. It just allowed me to free myself from the struggle to maintain who I was for appearance sake and not think about anything in particular.

Add into that the fact that I am struggling so much at home. I feel so disconnected from who I am living as now.

That is when I heard the song again the one I posted in my last post.

And it hit very hard.

These memories while mine are not me.

My life while mine is not me.

Today they feel dead to me.


Jessica Lyn said...

Interesting.. I'm pretty much the same as you in this aspect. I can watch and talk sports but Im not really interested in them enough to sit and watch them. And yes hockey seems to be the sport that caught on with me the most too.. I even played a bit 10 years ago or so... still love to ice skate but sold all my hockey equipment.

I've told my mom, my wife (soon to be ex tho we're still friends), a co-worker and thats about it.. my brother and close friends have no idea about me and I'm definitely not looking forward to the day I tell them.

Just listened to that song as I wrote this.. can I see why you posted it.

Jessica Lyn said...

Commenting on yours and Kara's blogs makes me want to start up mine again... but no one ever read it nor do I ever really do anything to write about it... ugh. Oh well, guess I'll just keep with the comments.

Kelli Bennett said...

I was never concerned who or how many people read this, I just found it very therapeutic to get my thoughts down and out there.

At this point I would continue blogging even if no one was reading it at all.

Jessica Lyn said...

And I can definitely see this being therapeutic, but for me it was not.. I just wanted to share with others. For me, playing my guitar or developing web apps is therapeutic.

I was thinking about my first post and about one thing my mom said after I told her about me, is that I've never been feminine in any way, and thats because, like you, I learned how to be a guy, said and did things I thought a guy would say and do. Perhaps that has hurt us in some way, perhaps others would have seen us for who we are earlier in our lives, but then again, perhaps we weren't ready back then. Maybe waiting until now will work out for the better. It has certainly made me a better, more understanding and caring person.

Kelli Bennett said...

Blogging isn't for everyone. For some it works for some it doesn't.

For me I found that I like it. I don't know if I will keep doing it indefinitely, but for now I don't see an end in sight. It works and I enjoy it.