Monday, December 14, 2009

There is a bomb on this bus...

...and if it drops below 50 it'll exploded.

Ever feel like you are a passenger in your own life?

And that the vehicle  you are riding on is running out of control in a dangerous situation?

It is certainly how I am feeling right now.

I think it has been a slow build up to this point but I think I see it clearer then I ever have before. For a number of reasons.

First, and this was noted by my therapist this week, when I stated something like "I can't go forward with life now that I know who I am. This IS me and I know that now. He isn't me at all."

Or something along those lines, I cannot remember exactly what I said because her next statement caught me off guard.

She stopped me right after I said this and told me she was surprised a bit. I, in all the time I have been seeing her, have never sounded so sure, confident and certain of myself. About who I was. The fact that if just came out so forcefully caught her of guard. She noted to that she has been seeing me for who I am for the last several months, but could see me struggling with full and complete acceptance.

And she didn't want to tell it to me, she had been trying to nudge me towards my own acceptance. She feels I won't have the ability to transition if I didn't full accept it myself and drew that conclusion without anyone tell it to me. I had to do it on my own.

Smart woman that one.

So I know I am there. I am ready for this. I know who I am without a shadow of doubt. At this point I understand the urge, the desire, the tidal wave of moving forward. I know who I am and I want to live my life the way I should always have.


...there is a massive amount of momentum carrying me the wrong way.

I imagine this is what the it must be like when the unstoppable force meets the immovable object.

His life, isn't mine anymore. I see that so clearly now it isn't even funny.

But due to the choices I have made I cannot start transitioning right now.

Yes I do need some time to settle the finances, I am close but it should have been better. And had I not put myself into the mess I currently am in I could probably could start right now. At the very least I would have more freedom to start arranging my life as I needed in preparation.

I have been doing some things as much as I can. I have had three session of laser hair removal to which I am astounded at the results. I finally was able to setup a session with a speech therapist to work on my voice. I have been on hormones for the last 6 months. Everything is going wonderful with those and I feel great. When I don't have the pressure to be him, the world just feels right to me. For the first time ever in my life.

And this also is causing issue within 'His' life. I am finding more and more my skills at staying hidden are slipping. I am bleeding through like crazy and it is almost better for me to shut my mouth and not say anything at all. Because if I do say something she is there and I am catching it too late.

This was incredibly apparent at a recent family function. I wasn't even thinking some times I was just reacting...then realizing I was doing things I shouldn't or have never done before. Gestures, vocal patterns, etc.

I found it was easier to shut my mouth and not do or say anything. The sad part is that isn't any better because that isn't me either.

Hence the reason I am starting to feel like a passenger in my own life. That someone else is doing the driving and all I can do is pray I avoid disaster.

Matters at home don't help this at all either.

I have long felt like a second class citizen in my own home. In the past I tried to be responsible, supportive, and frankly went above the call of duty on things. It was my goal to make it all work so that wouldn't be issues.

I don't feel that way today. I have been belittled, forgotten, ignored, or just felt plain unimportant. Some of it may seem small and insignificant but it all adds up, and every little bit that has gotten striped away leave less resolve to even bother to try and hang on to it.

Yes, we have done counseling together, I have pointed out the things she has done to me in an effort to amend her ways. To at least show her it hurt, and how it was affecting me.

Add to that the fact that as another woman, her and I don't get along. I am seeing this more and more. I am more outgoing, flirtatious, snarky, personable and down right not afraid to be myself. This rankles her and causes us to clash.

When that happens I get snotty back because I am tired of being controlled or belittled. To me it is just a continuation of what I have already mentioned just different reasons for doing it.

I have been worn down to the point where honestly there isn't anything left. If I could walk away right now I would. I wouldn't look back or regret that. It simply has run it's course and nothing can be done to save it.

(in all fairness I know there are some things that I have done over the years that I can and I will openly take the blame for. But my responses to a lot of things have been the direct result of not being taken seriously by her in the first place. For each action there is an equal and opposite reaction. I'll admit sometimes they were bad, but when you pen up feelings you have in an effort to be someone else the release can be ugly.)

I do feel bad about the impact my decision while have. But honestly I feel like a new toy a child gets on Christmas and mistreats it until it is broken beyond repair. I honestly don't think she will understand what she as done to me.

Yet, still, there I am riding along because I cannot get anyone to stop the bus so that I may get off.

I just hope the bomb doesn't explode.


Jessica Lyn said...

Its like I'm writing your blog myself... I feel the same way and have the same issues as to why I can't start transitioning just yet. Money is always an issue and I really don't have much of it just yet. I may start soon anyway because I just can't keep living this way... I need to be me.

I guess I got lucky with my wife, we got along better as friends after I told her about me, but unfortunately being friends is all we can be, as our marriage ended that day I told her.

It sounds like you have it all figured out though.. at least about what you have to do. I know we don't really know eachother, but I'd be happy to talk or email or chat any time you want.

Kelli Bennett said...

Well the money issue is going away. Just not as fast as I would like. I was hoping to have the major issues cleared up before the end of the year. However it is going to take a little longer. But my goal is having it taken care of by June 1st and that should be easily done.

I've had other things working in the background. Not as fast as I like but I am please with what I have. My biggest issues is employment. As long as I stay employed, I know I can do this.

As for at home, she desperately wants to hang onto him. I, on the other hand, don't want anything thing to do with him any longer then I need too.