Sunday, December 20, 2009

And the winner is...

I deserve an academy award.

Really I do.

And here is why.

My friends know him...but they don't know me.

At all.

Here is how I know this.

I had the opportunity to go out with a friend of mine. He and I have known each other for almost 20 years now. We crossed paths in HS right around the time I had been dumped by the previous crowd I had been hanging with.

We had a class together, found we liked a lot of the same books, games, some sports, movies, and a very similar sense of humor.

We simply got along.

And if I did do something odd or out of character he always just chalked it up as me being weird, or making an snarky comment about it and moving along.

His circle of friends became mine. We where all a little different. Not quite freak & geeks, but not in the popular or jock crowds either. Just a big mash up of personalities that didn't fully fit anywhere else. But I will say out of all of them I was closest to him.

But he still has now idea who I am.

So I put my best guy on and headed out the door. (I am so thankful that my silly obnoxious sense of humor works for both Kelli and him. I've learned in the past year that if I didn't have this I would have fallen apart years ago and who know what might have happened. I may not have been ready for this like I am now.)

While out being his wingman. (This so cracks me up.) we enjoyed a few frosty adult beverages and talked about many a thing. This was the first time I have gone out with him in a few years, along with not having talked with him much lately at all.

So we caught up.

Really other then my work we talked about everyone else but me. See how that works?

During the course of the night we landed on the topic of another friend of ours (who showed up later, after work, I might add.)

My friend noted to me that out of all of us the third friend was most in touch with is emotions.

Why am I always drinking something when someone says something funny or startling.

I nearly choked on my beverage.

He had no idea.

His comment was based on the fact that our third friend actually showed his emotions more then anyone in the group. Not very often but he does wear them on his sleeve a bit more.

I am far more in touch with my emotions then most of them.

I just never, if ever, showed them.

And there were times I wanted to yell at anyone of them. Calling them an insensitive neanderthals. I have stood in the middle of them wanting to cry like a child but held it in until I could release. Or I let all these repressed emotions out in anger. I have clashed with a few of them now and again.

I have also bailed these people out in sticky situations, driven them home when they were unable to do so. I even recall herding these two along with a third through the streets of Chicago when they could barely stand and I was the only sober one. They don't realize how much of a mother to them I have been.

I was simply a good friend.

(I think I failed to mention I was the one driving this night yet again.)

I remember when I had suffered a devastating lost of a relationship, everyone thought I was handing it really well. I was dying inside the entire time, crying myself to sleep every night for nearly three weeks.

Yet no one ever knew this.

I learned over the years though practice, what I could do or not do in front of these people. I repressed parts of myself and worked within those traits and feelings that wouldn't alert people to my issue. I point you to this post again.

I crafted and lived him almost perfectly.

I just never realized how good I was at it until this night out.

He told me I was a good friend who was easy to get along with. Beyond that I don't think he knows anything about me other than the few likes and dislikes I have shown him.

Never mind I was checking out all the guys as they walked in and he was always commenting on the girls. I just looked to see what they were wearing.

Even when he commented on the bartenders (both pretty women) and I was more into what they were wearing.

I don't know what will happen to these relationships. Some I might keep, some I might not, once I start disclosing who I really am.

Cause due to my talent at being someone else. They don't know me at all.

However it was nice to see him again and talk. It may end up being the last time. But it was worth it.

...and in closing I would like to thank the academy...


Jessica Lyn said...

OMG I have the exact same situation with my guy friends right now too... and even with my brother... none of them know me but they all think I'm a good friend. I too "check out the girls" to see what they're wearing and everyone just thinks I'm really checking them out.

I'm not as good of and actress as you are.. I've let some parts of my true self slip out every now and again and one friend even said, "If you weren't married I'd think you were gay!".. need I say I haven't yet told him about my divorce. The funny things is his brother is gay. I think about telling him soon tho and I think he can handle it cuz of his brother.

It's so weird, the more I read from you, the more I see myself. Thinks for posting this one, it had me laughing!

Gina Lee said...

Yes, it is easy to be a great actress when you have been practicing all your life! I would have to concede the Academy Award to you in the Drama category! But I might just take the Comedy category. Sometimes it is hard to know whether to laugh or cry. Love you!

Kelli Bennett said...

I have mentioned before that the few times I tried to integrate myself into his life I failed miserably. So I stopped doing those things. Kept it simple so to speak. Again I was lucky enough to like some things that other guys did. And hid the rest that didn't work.

There is also a time when I think I lived rather recklessly. Trying to smash her right out of existence to go out in a blaze of glory trying. Simply because I could not do it myself.

I just never really realized just how successful I was until now.

Calie said...

Wow! I so relate to this post, Kelli.

I have often written about "the male act". I do it so well that no one knows. I am so emotional, yet I suppress it along with my entire female side. Very, very few know the real me.

I will also say that I have strayed away from my guy friends, some dating back to my high school years. I still keep in touch, but generally they intiate contact with me.

I have found, over the past few years, that my true friends are my trans friends. They are the ones I can express my true self and emotions to.

Calie xxx