Thursday, June 28, 2012

Kelli 301

Another course covering a more advanced subject about me.

I know I have reviewed some of the basics over the years.

A little about me being trans and what my plans are.

I have discussed what I do for a living.

Today I felt it was time to cover something I have largely avoided.


Or more specifically my sexuality.

Now before you think this is going to get really juicy. It probably won't.

I am not the type of girl to kiss and tell.

Though I do feel it is time to explain my feelings about who I am.

The reason I have never mentioned it much before was simple.

It plays no part in being Trans.


I am not joking.

Sexuality and gender are two entirely different things.

I say this because who you are attracted to sexually and want to develop an intimate relationship is just a part of who you are.

The reason I say this is because growing up and in my past I know who I have been attracted to physically.



In my adolescence, as I developed both mentally and physically. I found both genders to be attractive.

As you can imagine it caused a lot of confusion for me in my life.

There I was clashing with my physical gender. Knowing I was attracted to girls. Yet at the same time I also knew that men were catching my attention.

Based on my social upbringing, i.e. my strong opinions of my father and brother, being attracted to men was wrong. So wrong in fact that I was completely afraid of these feelings.

Thus I never explored them. I simply went with the fact that I could date women. Since that is what I was supposed to do.

What caused an issue there was that I was always confusing them. Not to mention myself. Yes I could be attracted to them, but quite often, I wasn't perceived as someone they would desire to date.

I was always different or just a friend.

This was always the case if I ever tried to pursue a girl it ended this way. Not that I tried this often. The two lasting relationships were things where they actually pursued me.

You would probably think that this whole time I also still wondered about men.

You would be partially right.

I didn't believe the idea was some shameful thrill. No, I was under the belief it was wrong but at the same time I knew how I felt.

There were things about them that I found attractive. Would catch my attention and cause a lot of wonder

Still knowing how society felt(Which included members of my family and peers) I felt it wasn't something I shouldn't ever consider.

So I didn't...for a long time.

Until at which point I did.

This would have been between the two rather long relationships I had. After the first one ended a lot of things bubbled up to the surface of my mind.

One thing that came to mind, largely due to how that relationship failed, was my sexuality. For once I was out from the heavy scrutiny of being in school. I had more freedom even though I was still living at home while in college. With thoughts returning to the forefront of my mind I got curious about my sexuality for the first time.

Which made me decided to do something about it. Well, at least, attempt to.

Bet you want to know what it is?

I briefly tried dating a guy.

Now I now you want all the juicy details. However, I will not give them too you.

Sorry I am not the kind of girl to kiss and tell.

I will tell you this. We did eventually get intimate, to a degree. It really did confirm I was indeed attracted to men. It bothered me a lot that I really was(mostly because I feared what it meant), but it was the true. The second and more important thing was I was completely repulsed to the reason he was attracted to me. Sounds crazy I know, but when I finally opened that door to discover a part of myself I learned what I wanted and it was not to be treated as a man. I might have been really attracted to him. So much so that I no longer harbored a curiosity or fascination. Yet when he tried to return the affection it completely upset me. It wasn't how I wanted to be viewed, treated or approached.

Try as I might I just did not want to be viewed as a man. Even though I was interested in him.

I ended that very quickly, thankfully he knew I was new to things and was unsure of myself. Though I did hide any of the other feelings I had about being Trans.

Now while this seemed to open my mind to a number of things. Answered some question and created new ones.

Yet the end result was similar to ones I experienced in the past whenever I pushed into idea, area and feelings I was experiencing. That I was afraid of what was occurring so I pushed it deep inside again and hide from it.

The idea that struck me the hardest was that maybe I was a gay man. Yet at the same time this seemed odd to be based on my reactions to certain things.

I wonderabout this for a long time until I was able to discuss it with others.

Case in point. I once had a discussion with B, you remember B right. Now this particular conversation was shortly after he had met me as my old self. We were discussing things and he has asked if I ever had dated men as a man. I explained the story above. Mentioned how I felt about it and at the end apologized to him if my feelings or view point on it offended him.

He scoffed at me and said:

"You are not offending me at all. Honestly having met both versions of you. Being a gay man does not fit you. It is not who you are. You are such a girl that trying to define yourself as a gay man would not work. I know, I am one and it doesn't make any sense for you. You are more a girl than some girls I know. It is simply who you are."

It is was just another profound B'ism that I really am glad I had him for. It was like he always knew just what I needed to hear at the exact time I needed to hear it.

Thus through all of it I still did learn something important. I was indeed attracted to men but I did not want to be one myself. It wasn't me.

Never really was I guess.


Cassidy said...

Thank you for posting this, Kelli. This is a difficult topic, I gather, for a lot of us, so it's always nice to hear another's perspective.

I was always attracted to girls growing up. But only the ones who weren't interested in return, of course. :c) There were two times when I was pursued, and neither ended well. At all.

I used to pray to be gay, which was quite remarkable, given the attitudes of my family when I was growing up. (I'm happy to report that my father, at least, has come a long, long way on this front in the past few years.) I rationalized that at least people would understand if I was gay; they would never understand who I really was.

I have had more than a few opportunities to pursue that, had I wanted to, but it simply did not work for me. Chalk and cheese, as the saying goes.

A barista once hit on me - pretty blatantly, in hindsight - and I simply had no clue. Realizing I was hopeless, he gave up, laughed, and said, "Straight guys have no idea when a girl is flirting with them, let alone when a queen is!" He got part of it right, anyway. lol

My sexuality is changing now, which took me by surprise, quite honestly. I'm fine with it, however. It just makes sense now. And your explanation sums up why: I don't want to be viewed as a man in a relationship. It simply is not me.

I'm still relatively early in my transition, so I want to wait to pursue any kind of a relationship. I want whoever may be interested in me - assuming anyone ever is - to want me when I am *fully* me.

I am still attracted to women, incidentally. But what I've noticed lately, though, is that the attraction/jealously ratio is skewing quite heavily towards jealousy. Or perhaps "jealousy/longing" is a more apt description. I'm not sure if this is a common experience for us or not, but it seems to grow stronger with each passing day. Transitioning really is a journey, isn't it?

Anyway, enough blather from yours truly! Thank you again, Kelli. I admire and appreciate your honesty and candor, as always.


P.S. B really is a keeper. But you already know that! lol

I have a friend just like B, who always knows just what to say. And when to say it. I'm not sure what I did to merit someone like that in my life… but I am certainly grateful. :c)

Jessica Lyn said...

This is exactly how I fell as well. I've even had the thoughts of trying to date men as a guy, but again, like the both of you, I just want the guy I'm with to see me as myself, a woman and not as his fellow man or buddy that he can do guy things with. I want to be treated like a woman. And that is why I haven't taken that step to date a guy yet.

I'm with Cass in wanting to wait until I'm me before I do that. I just have longer to wait though since I still haven't start HRT yet.